I did it again
 

So I did it again today. The second time this summer. About a month after when I first did it.

I told her, a year ago that if I ever put my hands on her she should be through with me, no excuses. And then one month ago I pushed her out of my way. The story behind that is unimportant, I wasn't taking out my anger on her, but on the situation, which also is irrelevant. But I did push her, but she didn't fall.

That night she thought about leaving me, but she didn't. After I had collected myself I realized how much of a dick I am. I apologized but she knew her argument was vastly superior to mine. All I could tell her was "I know I have no defense, but don't you feel the way I do, it shouldn't end, not now." And she forgave me and we're doing fine.

Until today. I was at the grocery store, in public. The scenario again is unimportant and I will not share it. But with anger directed towards her I grabbed both her arms, by the tricep. And I looked at her intensely annoyed. Then I squeezed, harder which made her shake. For an unknown reason I let go of her but still felt much anger toward her about the situation. But the damage was done. I knew I had seriously messed up about a minute later, but I didn't know if I should spontaneously apologize or wait until later when she would be more sensible in her thoughts and actions. What irony. Why can't I be more sensible in mine.

I never thought for an instant I'd be one who'd abuse his significant other, I find those people disgusting and cowardly. But....I did it again. And now I don't even know if I am worthy for her. I certainly do not feel any self worth. But I am so selfish, and I don't want to lose her. I've called her 6 times tonight to see where she is. And now I am waiting for her call.

I know she loves me, she knows I love her. Our relationship is very good cumulatively as of now. Very strong.

But I did it again.

Dude, swallow your pride and seek professional help NOW. Really. There's probably a 24 hour line you can call right now.

Hagar is right. Your best chance of not doing this again, and of keeping the woman you love, is to actively seek help now. Right now. Before you do it again.

Yep, get some help now before you do some real physical damage.

Anon, you have said, twice now, that the story behind the incidents are unimportant. I disagree with that. I believe that the first step toward controlling your behavior is knowing what sets you off to begin with. I'm not saying that it would justify your behavior in any way, but I'm thinking that you would be able to try to avoid those situations as you see them coming and that you would at least be forewarned internally of what could be about to happen and be able to direct your anger in a more appropriate way before it costs you your relationship. Or more.

You seriously need to find out where all this anger comes from. Is it something that she does? Or situations/circumstances out of your control and she is the recipient, because you can't "lash out" at what really sets you off. Maybe you need to get her enrolled in a self-defense class, so the next time she can defend herself if need be.

You cannot imagine (unless you have been a recipient) the pain felt when a person you love hurts you, even before it really escalates. And it WILL escalate.

She loves you. She will stick by you...for a time. In this time things will get worse unless you do something. In this time the damage done to a person is immeasurable. You can no longer have a normal argument. She will try to find ways around the physical: staying quiet, lashing out back, trying to leave (though after a time you might make it impossible for her to get out of the situation) and she will find that nothing she does stops your anger.

Please get help. You may be tearing up a person's soul.

Jester's on top of his game in the relationship category it would seem....Thanks Jester.
:D
You need to see a therapist to figure out your hair-triggers. And how to calm yourself down. NOW.
She needs to take care of herself and find a way to hold you at bay or fight you off if need be....
Sometimes if you push too hard in the wrong direction (without even trying) you can come out with results you have never dreamt of. Don't risk it anymore. Now be a good man and make some helpful phone calls to professionals. Get out the phone book and start dialing. And until you contact someone and make a positive step.......you don't need to talk to her. Hopefully she waits around.
Be good to yourself and her.
;)

Dude, what?

So you grabbed the girl, big whup. Until you hit her, hurt her, then you're good to go.
Hell, I've got two years worth of scars up and down both arms, very visible, from where my (former) girl tore me up (i swear, she didn't have fingernails, she had claws). And it's okay, cause I know she didnt mean it, etc. Pushing someone or grabbing them is a whole different ball park from smacking them or hitting them.

Calm down, Jesus Christ.

I have to say I'm kind of with Ibram on this. Domestic abuse is a very serious thing, but pushing someone and grabbing their arm, hard, is a long way from that. If you really feel like you are in danger of hurting her, then get help. If you are seriously worried about your ability to control your anger, then get help (apart from anything else, anger management can make life a lot more pleasant in many ways).

But don't give yourself too hard a time over this. You haven't punched her, or threatened her, or verbally demeaned her. Unless you really feel it as a potential danger, there is no need to assume that what you've described would turn into something more sinister.

God, I recall arguments between my ex and I, where he ended up punching the wall near my head, and I threw an ironing board at him. Neither of us would actually have hurt the other.

Because some of you may have pushed each other around out of anger in past relationships doesn't make it right or normal. If he's asking for advice, he must feel the anger is inappropriate, and pushing and grabbing someone's arm (twisting? digging fingers in?) might just be showing a containment of a much deeper urge.

Sorry, been there, and it wasn't mutual. And it wasn't fun.

Hey, some people LIKE physical drama in a relationship. I found it to be soul sapping and painful.

I'm with Shawnee here. I've been on the receiving end, myself. While the hair pulling, slaps, and kicks didn't cause me any real physical pain, the emotional damage is done when someone you love gets violent. I even came to anticipate more shots, sometimes flinching a bit at arm motions during arguments. It's just not a good thing. I think Anon should seek counseling of some sort, especially since it obviously concerns him.

I'm pointing that out, because that's my main point here. Giving himself a hard time and feeling large amounts of guilt for this is not going to help. Getting some help may be a very good idea. Internalising some kind of image of himself as an abuser because he expressed his anger physically is not necessarily helpful.

I mentioned an incident early in my relationship to show it doesn't always go the whole way. Both of us had trouble with anger, early on, both of us learned to deal with it better. When we split after 12 years we remained very good friends.

Anon sounds concerned enough that he should seek some better understanding of himself and his anger, but he doesn't need to assume that he is already on a slippery slope.

That's a good point, Dana, about not labeling himself an abuser. You gave good advice about learning about his anger, and himself.

I understand anger, and I know in the passion of an argument stupid things can happen...but walking away until it can be dealt with better is a good option.

I don't really have an objective opinion, here, tbh. I'm still in PTSD of a sort, and a guy grabbing my tricep (that can hurt) or even yelling at me would be an instant deal breaker. I've been down that road. Those roads?

Everyone is different. I think him asking for advice is very telling.

Tell her you have a problem, not with her, with yourself and you want help and you want her to help you get help and tell her you are truly sorry (if you are) for both incidents.
Tell her (if it is the truth) that they were not about her, but something you have not dealt with yet.
I think you have intimacy problem(s) and you are sabotaging... it seems that way to me, but I don't know much.
One thing is certain, the longer you wait the easier the rage will come, the faster, the less time you will have to react, the fewer clues you will get it is happening as it happens (you will never get warning), and the more severe the actions will be against her and later others you love... always those you love. This I promise you, with no hesitation and absolute certainty.
This is not part of your conscious mind's activity and cannot be fought without help, and it is not going to happen quickly.
You are in pain and you are going to have to admit to yourself why, then deal with it.

It's not a big deal until someone cracks their head open.
:eyebrow:

I think there is a much bigger difference if a male is being abusive than if a female is "being abusive."

Really? Why so fresh? What if the female was 6'2'' 250 and the male was 5'9" 160 and she beat the hell out of him? Or if it was two women or two men? Why does it make a difference what their respective genders are?

Are you just looking for a fight?

Maybe I'm more traditional on this, but I'll let emo PMSy girls hit their boyfriends and start crying but I don't think a guy shaking his girl is appropriate.

it's not about what kind of abuse you inflict. it's that you take even a step down that road. you're right to be concerned. why does it even occur to you to use your physical superiority to make your point? because you are feeling inferior in other areas, perhaps? Does she make you feel frustrated by saying things that you can't defend or asking rhetorical questions and then expecting you to answer them and look the fool?

the why, the why.

remember abuse runs both ways like a current. ...if she pushes you to the edge and wins when you snap and pop her one. a momentary injury in exchange for your guilt and remorse for weeks or months. it's a controlling thing.

I personally fear jinx, so i'm in no danger of hitting her....in anger ;) ....but i did used to pick on my little brother unduly.....and years later still get embarrassed when i think of it.

You feel like a failure for having to resort to that, don't you?

so....own, it. and don't do it ever again.

Nope - not at all - My ex used to slap and punch me a lot - usually in a drunken or stoned stupor - I laughed at her which made her more angry, but anyway... I felt the same way as you initially, then thought about some alternate scenerios and I'm not sure. I gave you the example for that reason.

Nope nope nope. Girly girls shouldn't be abusive either. It's about respect, not who is stronger. If I were beating on a man with the proverbial frying pan while he shielded himself I am just as guilty of being abusive as any man could be. If I called him all sorts of horrible things and belittled him then I am just as abusive as any man could be.


Tell those girls it's just not cute, and it will get less cute the older they get.

Now, let's all say together: beating on each other is not a healthy way to solve problems. I don't care about your gender, your race, your color, or what planet you're from. It's stupid.

Everyone argues. A few "asshat" or "bitch" words under your breath are no big deal. Hitting and belittling and demeaning is abuse. I don't care who ya are.

I'd call it sexist. And stupid. The wounds may be different, the intent and the problem are the same.

How is that traditional??

I'd guess fresh thinks it more 'traditionally manly' to put up with 'girls hitting their boyfriends' since there may be no serious danger to the guys. This was the case in my situation - I'm about a foot taller than, and almost twice the weight of my wife. As I said earlier, there wasn't really any physical pain involved (other than the time she hit me in the face with a full bottle of shampoo....). The impact on my trust and emotions was decidedly present, however. As several others have now said, I also cannot accept abuse of a partner. Period.

Oh, OK. go for it. :whofart:


Apart from that suggesting candidates for the Darwins, does that train of thought extend to women thinking "he won't really hurt me because he loves me" or "it's OK because it's only bruises wherew they don't show and they will fade"?

I meant no offense with my statements and appologize if any were taken. As to the intelligence of them, I can only say that experience showed me that my wife couldn't physically injure me unless she truly tried to do so. The vast majority of her attacks were more akin to venting than attempts to injure me. That did not make any of it proper, however.

That's what I meant. But I'm the recent scapegoat and everyone likes to have a go at me.

That's just...awful, UB. I can't imagine ever wanting to physically (or otherwise, for that matter) harm my fiance. I hope you're not in that kind of situation anymore.

bluecuracao, you must be one of the few girls (bless you) who don't hit their boyfriends/husbands when they go on a frenzy of hormones. UB, me and a whole lot more guys endure the slaps on the arm and punches to the gut while the woman is shrieking with her anger.

All we are trying to say is, that is more of an acceptable behaivor than a man putting his hand on a woman. Call it sexist, but at least we aren't justifying slapping the crap out of raging gal.

if a girl is really mad at you, she aint hitting you. she's going to stay with her sister.

"one of the few" ??? ... dude ... uh ...

Fresh, I realize what you're trying to say, but what Monster, Shawnee, and I are trying to say is that a woman hitting a man is not acceptable either, at all.

I don't doubt that many men are victims of abuse by women. But I do doubt that 'hormones' are a common cause. Lack of respect, anger issues and mental instability are more likely culprits, just as with men abusing women (or men abusing men, or women abusing women, whatever the relationship may be).

And she's not putting out.

Oh great, now I'm being sexist. Stop it, you guys!

Thanks, blue. That relationship ended over four years ago. I now have plenty of time to annoy everybody here. :p

I don't believe my wife really wanted to hurt me. She is deeply troubled, mainly from having been abused as a child. Violence became a part of her and would pop up whether or not she intended such. This is part of the problem with partner abuse; it is too often unintentional. Again, this is no excuse, but rather an unfortunate fact.

I've never punched, slapped or kicked another human out of anger (well, except my brother when I was 10, I'm not perfect).

I playfully punch my workmates/friends in the arms, but thats it.

Actually, I dont say anything that I will regret later either in the heat of the moment.....sometimes things said in anger can never be taken back and hurt more than the physical.

Stop making excuses for girls with tempers they cant control and the lack of respect they are displaying.

If they are beating/slapping/kicking whatever in anger....its a problem and no one should accept it.

Good point. We don't do that either. Sure, we get angry with each other sometimes, but we explain why instead of saying stupid crap.

I originally stated a huge difference between the two.

Basically saying a girl getting emo isn't really a life threatening or relationship threatening experience and definitely marking physicality in males as unacceptable.

You don't see girls getting police reports of domestic abuse for slapping their boyfriend in the face when he comes home at 2 am, or throwing pillows as hard as she can at him when he forgets to water the dead hedges while she was away for the weekend.

Ok, physical abuse in any way is wrong. I never disagreed with this statement, everyone happy?

I consider it a whole 'nother ballpark when a girl hits a guy, but that's just me. Sure I'm making huge assumptions about the guy and girl but listen to this. I prefer it to have a girl getting tense and jabbing her guy in the chest than a guy backhanding a girl that sends her wiped out on the kitchen floor. Is that wrong?

Let's focus on anonymous and not me, ok? I don't even think what I said was THAT big of a deal, really.

Girls that carry on and hit their boyfriends don't deserve their boyfriends. It's just stupid. No one should feel that it's ok to hit or be hit by someone who is out of control.

I once slapped the man who fathered my children. I was out of control at the time. That was because he crashed MY car into the fence when he arrived home at 8am Monday morning, drunk and smelling like a perfume shop after having left for 'work' the previous evening.

Yep, I definitely didn't deserve him.

I left him that day, and took the kids with me.

Think about the scenario switched around. The guy jabs at the girl in frustration, and the girl throws an uppercut at the guy that flattens him out. It's all wrong.

Maybe not, but it sure isn't a healthy relationship.

It was never a scenario it was just two separate distinct actions, one by a girl, one by a guy. I highlighted in red that I said it was wrong in both cases.

Yes, he distinctly said it was, I mean wasn't, was, wasn't OK for PMSy emo girls to hit.

So, what do we blame it on when a guy hits? Backed up semen?

There's no doubt that PMS exists and can cause a whole range of emotions, but it has nothing to do with people who like to hit. :headshake

Just wanted to point that out.

I have only hit a guy one time and it was well deserved. I was in middle school and he was being a jerk, calling me names (constantly), as in every freakin day - so during lunch and in the lunch line - I could stand it no more and slapped him in the face - not really a "hit" but it got the point across and he left me alone after that.:p

Best Beloved and I sometimes say the stupid crap, too ... but we realise soon after what's going on and explain once we've worked it out, or work it out together.

edited to add: ... and we're getting quicker off the mark each time!

jerk and jester, sittin in a tree,
h - i - t - t - i - n - g

oooooooo a crush.... :rolleyes:

I hate the idea of slapping. I intentionally hurt my (then) boyfriend...once. I very carefully kicked him in the shin. I damn well meant it to hurt, but slapping is plain insulting.

I kicked him in the shin (once), gave him back his ring and threw him out. 'Twas a bad day. :yelsick:

V - that's funny:rolleyes:

I thought it definitely better to slap him, than punch out in front of his buddies. Of course, that would have been sweeeet, getting beat up by a girl.:D

It's not. I've never lived it down.








j/k

I am more inclined to type in anger and definitely regret some of what I've typed. Its something I'm trying to work on - obviously a work in progress.

Hmmmm......I'm having a hard time choking this down. I stare at it...And I stare at it.
Gives me the impression that you think you know what their boyfriends deserve.....
Sorry, just an odd feeling here. I'll get over it.

Did you read the rest of my post at all mate?

The implication was that either they're a cow and their boyfriend doesn't deserve that sort of treatment or else their boyfriends are arseholes in which case the g/f doesn't deserve him/his treatment either.

Anonymous, you say that a year ago you warned your s.o. that if you ever laid hands on her, she should be through with you. Have you been abusive before?

It's good that you recognize what's happening. It's bad that you're now rationalizing and wanting her to stay despite two instances of physical abuse. You know, and everyone here who's been in an abusive situation knows, that pushing and grabbing (hard enough to shake) are physical abuse. You know it's serious.

It's time to follow through and get help, without your s.o. If you can seek help and change your ways, not to hold onto her but because it's imperative to change these behaviors in yourself, then there may be some basis on which to approach her again. Good luck with it.

Thank you for the replies everyone.

I currently do not have time or money for therapy or counseling but we will see in the future.

To the posters wondering, I did not have problems of abuse in the past, physical abuse. As a kid my dad occasionally insulted me and aggressively backed me into walls (it wasn't pushing though, but it wasn't gentle). My mother gave me hour or longer lectures for my punishments. But the reason why I told her to leave me if I was ever physical is because I personally find it cowardly and unworthy of a man to treat a woman that way, not because I was a victim or knew victims. Moral value.

I guess I will elaborate. Part of my pent up anger that explodes in violence I have recently thought to be the cause of my mother's lectures, for hours. I never responded, because whatever I said was wrong, so why bother having a discussion. I am thinking that built up so much that now in a very serious relationship I explode with it, because it's my turn.

I know I am a pretty good lecturer too which is unfortunate because I don't want to be like my mother in that aspect. Also, it is a horrible way to express myself but I do get violent when extremely angry. Scary violent. Unfortunately, today was the worst of recent memory. Sorry, I will not share the story again because I personally do not like to give strangers this much personal information. But today we were in the car and I was fuming. I threw everything in my front seat out the door (we were parked), my coke can, my soy sauce from dinner, the spoon from the grocery store. My iPod radio tuner (attatched to the cig lighter unfortunately) also was destroyed by me--I banged it repeatedly against the steering wheel. I know, I do have an anger problem, obviously. She thinks it might be the medication I am taking, which has known to cause suicidal thoughts or depression which I have not had although. My driver's seat window also was punched thrice---that was the best feeling I had in that situation. It felt damn good.

She was very scared. But I did not touch her. And we parted ways for an hour for our own reasons then met up briefly. She forgave me and went about her business and really acted like it was not a big deal, which I thank her for because it was a ludicrous outrage.

Aft rereading this post I see that I basically started going somewhere with an idea but had no idea how to conclude it and now everyone has even more questions I bet. Sorry.

I do have major anger problems. I guess why I started this thread was because I pray everyday it does not turn into what it could. I know the first thing people are going to say when they read this, but I honestly am in no situation to give up time to counseling or therapy or spend my dividends on it. What I can only do is internalize the feelings and keep my head on. Right?

Aren't there options for free counselling?

While it is good that you want to face this, especially before something terrible happens, it seems to me that internalizing your emotions is part of what started your problem in the first place. I would think that getting it out in the open, that talking to someone about it should help you. If you cannot get to a professional then you might at least try a friend. Again, it is very good that you are admitting to this problem, but you must be brutally honest, and another viewpoint (the most objective one possible) ought to aid your efforts.

Anon, do you see your pattern of violence escalating in the three incidents you've recounted? You didn't touch her this time, but you've moved from pushing her, grabbing/shaking her, to destroying objects and punching windows in her presence and being, in your own words, 'scary violent'. And the scary violence 'felt damn good'. You seem to think/hope that being violent around your s.o. is not too bad as long as you don't touch her. Not so. The violence is still intimidation of her. It says, 'Look what happens when I get angry. Don't even think of making me angry.'

Your continued rationalization makes me worried for your s.o. Step by step, like the frog sitting in a pan of water on a stove, you're explaining away unacceptable behavior. Everything is a choice, including whether you give up time and dividends to get counseling. Please make the choice before a court makes it for you and you lose important things in your life. Good luck to both of you.

Yes- I do have questions.
If you don't have time for therapy or a doctor- who is prescribing your meds?

Are you coming here to confess to absolve yourself of guilt- instead of seeking the professional advice you know you need?

Hmmm....you can afford to spend time hurting your self and intimidating your girlfriend- you can even afford an iPod and a car.

You are really bordering on the perpetrator line here.......
I am losing the compassion I had for your situation rather rapidly. I hope she gets the hell away from you before it turns into something even more regrettable. I hope you "let her leave you".

I know I sound like a jerk but, now I don't think you are posting this for help- I think it's making you feel better about what you are doing. I'm not going to validate you anymore. What you are doing is screwed up and wrong and you know that.......
Internalize this: you are making some big mistakes that are about to get bigger.
Bye. Bye.
Get new meds!!
I'm not going to waste my breath with a lecture!!! Bye!


Oh and- I gotcha Aliantha. And I definitely agree.

Not to me you don't, but Anon, you sound like a real asshole at this point. You're a grown man who throws hissy fits and you're trying to blame that on your mother? Yuk. Although obviously your girlfriend likes it becuase she puts up with it. Some chicks dig the drama. Double yuk.

Freakin A - NOOOOOOOO internalizing is part. . . - OMG

My BS meter is pinned out - All I heard was Sorry sorry sorry - she forgave me so its ok . . . Moms fault - worst day ever - I'm violent but I'm ok...Oh by the way I'm on some serious medication - well duh! Lets start with THAT DOC - he might know. Other than that, I only have one question - why am I bothering with you - You recognize a problem (sort of) justify it (completely) then when help is offered - decline. I'll just say good luck to you and I hope she gets as far away from you as she can before you really hurt her. Harsh? maybe, but true.