I want to die
 

Right now.

I feel so bad, I feel

I see a sword, an axe, an enormous stone block hanging over me. I crane my neck upward to see the leading edge of instantaneous relief just a second away. I crave it. I long for it. Bring it, bring it now! Make it stop, make it go away.

You have the strength to get through this. You've felt this way before and felt better again. You will feel better again. You can do it. Look what you've posted in the past.

get help! professional help, please. Don't rely on dumb Netboards for your mental health.

A professional will likely prescribe talk therapy. What is it that we're doing here? Are we less than human?

good point Flint! (more than human, personally :) ) but --a professional can also prescribe medication. And if this person is in such deep distress as to be suicidal, he? may need more help than just talk therapy.

Talking to anonymous people remotely is not the same as being in the same room with a caring person. Not to mention the casual cruelty or unlucky wording people can put forth on forum boards, which might make things worse.

I just get rather alarmed when people start talking about suicide. I do see, in the other thread, that this person has been seeing a counselor, so I'm relieved.

Thank you. I understand what you're saying. I know that talk therapy can be a part of the solution, along with medication; but medication won't magically fix something that you haven't talked out/dealt with.

I suppose what I was trying to say is that I think the internet represents an advance in human communication, not a setback. Weigh the factors you mentioned against the fact that you can instantly recieve opinions from geographically remote areas and culturally diverse sources, for instance.

Deuce, go see a therapist, counsellor, crisis worker, your EAP, somebody. Call 1-800-SUICIDE, they'll connect you to your local crisis center.

Oh, I agree with you Flint. It's great to be able to talk stuff out, and sometimes the anonymous factor can be a great benefit.

I also agree with Wolf. When someone starts talking about suicide, it's time to get real, professional help.

Yes, wolf is an expert in this field, and her expert advice has been posted right here on the internet! :stickpoke

ow! what is that thing poking me? I'm going to bite it!

The adventure of life is infinitely more interesting.

You've got a lot of things going on, and that's impacting your ability to manage in a lot of different areas of your life. Sort things out one at a time, and remember that you do not do this alone.

Step slightly to one side of that enormous stone block and once you get a different perspective on it, you might find that it contains Michelangeo's David within ...

The Agony and the Ecstasy.

Listen to wolf, she knows of what she speaks.

Sending warm thoughts to you, Deuce.

Hello again. Thank you for your responses, truly.

glatt, you're right. Was bad, got better. Is bad, will get better. I get it. But today, now, when I wrote that, it was pretty bad, pretty bad. You are right. I'll live. But it'll hurt; I'm hurting now. I'm saying ouch.

Flint, wolf, thank you for your kind attention and your caring replies. I am trying to talk. I am in touch with my counselor; today. I *do* need to talk. That's what I'm doing here. (Cloud, the anonymity is a (big) plus here. Additionally, this mode, with all its weaknesses still surpasses not talking in person, my other option).

I need to talk. I need to to be listened to. We're doing that. It's a relief. Thank you.

I think you've got a sense of humor in there, trying to bust out and lighten things up!

There are quite a few people here who have considered posting the exact same thing (perhaps with different imagery). I still contemplate suicide on a regular basis, but I don't get any catharsis from posting - if you do, at least be assured you are posting in a place that understands.

But seriously take the suggestion of getting professional help - at least call the number Wolf gave next time you feel this way.

No, you're mistaken.

I knew when I wrote that how awkward and understated it sounds. I'm not really capable right now of busting out and lightening things up. But I didn't want to ...

Suicide isn't an issue, thankfully, right now. But I am in so much pain. You're right, ouch isn't really the right word. I didn't want to be ... so hysterical. I'm in agony, I'm facing extraordinary, awful choices. I can't see my way through or out. I'm scared and hurt and worried and unsure.

I do not like the choices facing me.

I am searching wildly for some Kobayashi Maru alternative.

As yet, I have nothing promising, only bad and worse.

divorce is not the end of the world. It's a beginning in fact.

I've lived that chapter before, more than once. I know how that beginning ends and I have no desire to repeat it.

insight and poetry.

I concur.

From a movie last night: "Being afraid to die is not a sign of weakness, but that you have a life worth living." You *have* a life worth living. Do not give it away. I'm sorry you're in pain.

Get some help Deuce. As much as we can all talk with you here and hopefully help in some small way, this is not always a positive environment and people do sometimes say things that are not helpful. Find someone who's on your side and can be there for you and get your through this.

You need to get help mate.

Adding my voice to the chorus - get help. Glad to hear that you do understand that this will pass. And post here all you need.

For all of you who posted, thank you for your concern. It looks like the conversation has progressed in a different thread, suicide watch thread, by skyshide. don't know hwere.

I am sorry for your feelings of despair, Deuce. I can't say I have never had similar feelings, myself. You are a truly worthwhile existence. Please believe that. And seek solace where you have known it to be in other times of grief...or times of joy.

They say a person only needs 3 things to be happy in life:

1. Someone to love and love you back.

2. Something to do that challenges you and makes you happy at the end of the day.

3. Something to hope for.

I used to say that, but then I quit being a whiney bitch.

SRSLY?

Whut the frak does that mean? Seriously, is that internet shorthand, or somethin'?

orly?

http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com...fguyssrsly.jpg

Oh. Then yes, I'm serious. Suicide is for cowards.

I have many problems, but I'm not about to kill myself over them.

That is very close-minded. Most people are irrational when they are contemplating suicide. It usually isn't about someone being mentally weak, but not being in the right state of mind.

I know how it feels to be completely irrational and how stupid I felt afterwards and one of my toughest friends has been through the same thing.

Never thought of it that way. Good point.

But still, killing oneself means that a person is too cowardly to deal with the pain of life.

why does it have to be cowardly, though? Personally, I think it's more selfish than cowardly.

but suppose you live alone, you have no family, no friends that depend on you. you do a menial job that is easily filled. if no one would notice that you stopped coming to work. There are people like that, I'm sure.

Somehow, they go on day by day. If they decide to end it and see what's next.....how can you fault them? It's their life to relinquish if they choose to. Goes against instinct, obviously, but hey...

.....or, are suffering from some sort of depression which has altered their thought processes; or are really, really unhappy and don't see a point in continuing.

The problems that are overwhelming me at the moment are practical.
The reason that they are overwhelming is mental.

I do feel like I can't go on, that I have no way out and the only thing to do is run away - one way or another. I spent last night awake until after 03.00, running through plans in my head to dump my cats on a former work colleague and simply abandon my flat and take off. If I hadn't had the cats to think about I might have left last night.

Morning brings counsel of course, and I realised if I was scared, unhappy and trapped in my own flat last night, how could I possibly improve my lot by sleeping rough on a street somewhere, with danger, hunger and physical discomfort added to my problems.

I think that might be what some people don't understand about wanting to kill yourself - it feels like the only way to end the problems. Moving won't help - they come with you, you are the problem in effect - you are broken and can't mend. That's how I feel at least.

I know if I just ran away and abandoned everything then the mess I am so ashamed of (figuratively and literally) would be found by my family and friends. I also know I wouldn't be there to face the music, so it has some appeal. I also know the stress and worry it would cause them - and the grief if I died as a result - would leave them with a terrible guilt. They would wonder why I couldn't ask them for help.

But how can I? At what point can you say to people who love you, "I know this isn't fair. I know it's my own mess. I know all the time I was getting myself into this trouble you were living sensibly and working hard and maintaining standards and I wasn't. But I want your help to get myself out of this mess because I can't cope."

I know, given the choice they would rather I let them in. I also know they would despise me if I did, and never trust me as a responsible adult again. How can you tell people you feel you are literally at breaking point without sounding like you are emotionally blackmailing them?

You just have to tell them SG. They will help you, and love you more because you trusted them with the things that you can't deal with. They wont judge you. They love you.

Ask them to help you. They want to be there for you, no matter how you feel about yourself.

I know. I have been where you are now. Not so long ago.

Part of my problem is that my moods are up and down.
Right now I am panicked, distressed and ready to do something, anything to get away from what I am feeling.

But I'm scared that if I cry for help (via a call, not something more dramatic) then I will regret it my the time help arrives. Or call again to cancel, in which case I won't be taken seriously.

Of course the irony is that I am in a position where I am the worst person to make decisions about what I do and don't need, and what course I should be taking.

It's all been safely buried in a box in my head for so long, but the box is too full now and it's all threatening to spill out. I'm just not sure how to handle it - my previous ways of coping aren't working (get drunk, go to the cinema, come here) because I can't shut out the reality of the situation any more. But somehow I am incapable of taking any practical steps to improve the situation (start cleaning, start packing, MOVE).

Most of me wants to be rescued. The only remnant of who I really am is horrified by this, but isn't strong enough to get the rest of me motivated.

I know the family Ali. They will judge me.
Apart from that they have their own lives and concerns. Who am I to ask them to put me first?

You are their family, and even if they do judge you, so what? Will they still help you? I'd bet the answer is yes.

When you're stronger you can try and explain how this all happened, but for now, stop worrying about what they'll say or think.

Here's how it happened for me.

When my mum was sick, I was a single parent and money was pretty tight. I ran my credit card way up getting things for her to make her end better. I spent money I didn't have.

After she died, there were so many bills, and I couldn't stretch things any further. I argued with my brother about who should pay and all the rest of it. He was doing pretty well for himself. Nice house, good job. Wife. all that shit. Very conservative.

Finally I had to come clean. Yeah he helped me. Judged me. Pissed me off for about 3 years. But it gave me space to get back on my feet again and that's what mattered.

In the end we had it out. I told him (short version) that if he didn't want to help me without conditions he shouldn't have helped me at all. Ultimately it's worked out for the best. He learned something and I learned a lot.

Just bite the bullet and ask for help. In the long run, it'll be the best thing in the end. Seriously.

Sundae, if you need someone to help you with packing up and stuff, I can come over to Leicester and help. I know that's probably only a small part of what you have to sort out, but seriously, if you need a hand just let me know.

Oh, SG, please just call your family and ask for help. Your post has opened such a painful set of memories for me - I don't want your family to go through the same pain.

Update on the situation.

Well, not much has really changed, except that after the session above I came home via the shop and asked for some more hours - one of my panics was the fact I was running out of money and had no way of earning any more. I'd set this up deliberately as a way of focussing my attention, but it hadn't worked and was just adding to my stress. So I have some hours over the next week, which will help keep the wolf from the door. Not the Wolf - I'd welcome her practical presence right now, and someone used to taking care of an aged patient wouldn't blink twice at my flat!

Anyway - am up early this morning because they have put scaffolding around my flat and it feels freakily like public property. [the plot of land next to mine is being redeveloped and the next door houses and factory are being demolished - been going on for 2 months now]

I was reading and dozing late yesterday morning and heard the approach of the builders. Damn - there's been no activity on the site for 4 days. I scrambled up and into clothes and realised there were two men right in my yard! I only have a voile at the window to protect my modesty, and nothing at all in the kitchen - which I have to pass through to get to the toilet/ bathroom.

So I up and left. Bought chewing gum rather than clean my teeth, used a public lavatory, then went and sat in the library. For 6 hours. In a state of extreme distress. I don't know what I thought was going to happen realistically - at the very least I thought they were taking the wall of my yard down. I just knew I felt violated and couldn't stay there.

When I got home it was a real shock to see the scaffolding. I almost started on the kitchen right there and then - but my nerves had been screaming all day and I admit I just fell asleep. When I woke up it was dark and the panic had subsided, so I watched TV and thought the best bet was to come in here early (I'm working today) and avoid the builders altogether.

So nothing practical has happened, but I am hopeful that tomorrow I can get my act together and start at least on the kitchen. Then I can stop worrying so much about people looking through the window.

Unless the builders work Sunday. Which I'm trying not to think about! If they do, expect to see me online. I might have to tack up a duvet cover over the window, maybe that will give me enough of a feeling of "hiding" to actually get started.

An update - as this seems to have become my I Want to Die thread...
A big thank you btw, to all the people who have sent me messages of support - I have been able to ask for help in the real world thanks to the comments I've received here.

So, I don't want to die today. Yesterday I made a start on clearing the rubbish from my flat. I wasn't working Tuesday or Wednesday, but it took me til Thursday to get anything done. Ah never mind, at least I made a start.

Dana has incredibly kindly offered to help me this weekend - I have bitten her arm off. So if she seems to be avoiding my posts next week you'll know why.

I put two chairs out next to some rubbish yesterday afternoon. Within 40 minutes, in broad daylight, behind the wall that separates my flat from the pavement - they went! I was going to put my dining chairs out this morning in the hope of the same result but sadly it's raining and I think that wet chairs won't appeal to the scavengers as much.

I'm still shaking my head over it now. I was perfectly happy about it - I was disposing of them anyway, it's just the sheer effrontery. Funnily enough, I used to remark on the fact I had never seen people walking down the street with a chair until I moved to Leicester. I always assumed they were walking to a family event and bringing their own seating. Now I wonder if all of them were rubbish pickers instead.

I heard there were areas in France where people routinely leave their throwaway furniture outside their houses for people to take if they want it. The English word for it is apparently 'gleaning'. My brother finds all sorts of stuff like that, takes it home and strips it down, recovers it and so on. Only if it's obvious its being thrown....like if it's in a skip.

SG, glad you are feeling a bit better.

I alway slow down and carefully look over piles of promising trash when I'm walking past one. I've gotten some pretty good stuff over the years.

It's wonderful to hear you've been able to ask for help, SG. As far as 'not getting anything done until Thursday' goes, it was making a start, as you said. You should be proud of that. My own experiences with (mild) depression showed me how apathetic and listless I could be. I sometimes found myself being quite happy I'd managed to do something as simple as cooking dinner. I hope your situation continues to improve.

I suppose rubbish picking may be popular all over. I've most often heard it referred to as "dumpster diving." (I believe "gleaning" is a much nicer term.) My boss and one of my fellow employees often bring furniture, tools, and appliances into work -- items they found being tossed by people along their route to work. They repair/ spruce up these finds and either take them home or sell them on e-Bay.

SG, I, too, am glad you're able to ask for help and accept it when offered, and that things are looking up for you. I left a relatively new flymo lawnmower and strimmer that I just kept breaking by the rubbish and they've gone walkies, too. I'm only too glad if someone else has managed to make'em work - they just weren't the tools for my clumsy attempts at garden maintenance and I was fed up with having to pay for repairs.

Just to do a quick update. Since SG doesn't currently have access to internet now.

I went over to Leicester on the train yesterday, met up with Sundae. It was really nice to meet her face to face (first time I've ever met a dwellar irl!) and we started out with a visit to a pub, where we sat outside and drank beers. Got talking to a strange (if slightly compelling) chap and generally had a laugh.

Then went over to her house. Did a bunch of bagging and boxing and sorting. Was quite funny to see how many of her books I also have at home :P Then when we'd done that for a few hours, we went back into town, had another pint and a subway (meatball marinara for me. I am convinced I could live solely on that) and I caught the train back home.

I think Sundae is getting on top of it again. She said to say hi :)

Cool! I'm glad both that she's working at it and that you had some fun while lending a hand.

Here in Ann Arbor ,Michigan, that's what you do -put it on the kerb and hope someone takes it. Otherwise you have to pay to dump it. I love this system. I suspect it's pretty universal in the US.

p.s. just in case it's not obvious, skip = dumpster.

Thanks for the update Dana. Cool you two got to meet, and I'm glad SG is doing better. She's a fine human being, and you're not so bad yourself Dana. :)

I've only had it happen for me once, when I was moving out of a house in DC. Almost every item I put out in the alley for garbage pickup disappeared within an hour of being thrown out, from lamps to wrapping paper to dead plants, and even a 4' x 6' collage of magazine photos my (then teenage) sister had made. It was a little weird.

I want to say goodbye.

I want to say a lot of things. I hurt. I'm scared and confused. I'm angry. I am overwhelmed.

I have nowhere to turn. I have no one who will stand for me. There are some people who have politely listened to my crying and complaining, some of you. I'm tired. All my life, I've done it myself. And now, I can't. I don't see how

I'm no t really very clear right now nsorry.

I want someone else to carry this weight. I want help. I coan't do it myslef..

...


imagining what happens when they find me dead..

weak. incapable. hardheaded prideful do it yourselfish fucker. despised and derided in death as in life. alone, still, again, still forever. Wife will say I knew he was fucked up. good riddance. free at last. free from his stalking. free from his violence and his demeaning belittling meanness. no more of his lying and his dictating. His interference and his


OlderSon will say good, glad he's gone. now we can be happy. can I have his stuff?

MiddleDaughter will cry, may miss me some.

YoungerSon will be stunned, but the propaganda from W will rush in to fill the void. nothing good will be said about me and the whole episode will be spun as a silver lining. emancipation. I will be remembered as something survived. Something endured, like Auschwitz. Thank God that's over!

Mother will cry, won't understand.

Sisters will cry, rage impotently at W, decrease communication with W and YS from current zero to minus one.

BrotherOne may not notice.

BrotherTwo will cry, will understand. Will shake his head in sadness that I wasn't stronger. will recover.

A handful of others will notice, a couple will care. none will be deflected in the slightest from their course in life. A few dwellars will eventually notice, one or more will gloat. My dog will suffer a loss of status, become an outdoor dog. Work will pay bureaucratic notice only.

I'll have to be cleaned up or picked up or something. A part of somebody's job. But it won't be "care" really. But at least the pain and the noise will stop.

Deuce. Please, please get some counselling. Many of us here are only too willing to listen and to offer advice, but you need someone who knows what they are doing/talking about. You sound to me like you are carrying too heavy a weight to deal with alone. There is nothing shameful in seeking help. You don't have to deal with this by yourself. Talk to your doctor, seek some counselling, please.

All good thoughts you Deuce.

Duece - STOP. TAKE A MOMENT. CALL A SUICIDE HOTLINE RIGHT NOW - -800-784-2433. DO NOT LET ANYONE HAVE SO MUCH CONTROL OVER YOU AS TO MAKE YOU TAKE YOUR OWN LIFE.

I have mostly avoided this thread. But, I am honestly emotionally upset at the thought of you taking your life. Please, do not.

Deuce, I don't want to say goodbye. Everyone has worth, so please don't underestimate your own. I wish I could do something to help you, brother. As Dana said, please talk to a professional. I'm praying for you and hope you find the right help.

Oh god, Deuce. Please call a hotline or something. You are worthy. Please please please listen to theotherguy. We're hurting for you, with you. That must mean something.

god.


thank you all.

calling now.