Girlfriend's Father
 

:yelsick:

Can someone explain to me the whole phenomenom of girlfriend's fathers hating their boyfriend?

I've tried so hard to show that I'm a nice dude but it is futile right now.

I'm not a father, so I don't know. But why do I have this feeling that I will never like him, or my father-in-law (which he probably will become {ooh puppy dog love, cute I know right}).

I do my best to treat her right, I've bought her tons of stuff, yeah I'm trying to make myself look like the perfect boyfriend (which I'm not) but I don't think I'm that bad.

Father's inquiries requested.

Am I mixing you up with another dwellar or are you a college guy with a high school girlfriend? If that is the case you're lucky if he's ruled out violence. Dads are big on drawing lines and that is one I'd draw and then build a wall on.

You're trying too hard. Don't try, just be yourself. If you're a nice person, it will show. People respect people who are true to themselves, who are consistent in their beliefs and actions and who don't brownnose.

I have to wonder if Clodfobble pretty much figured it out in your post about employment. And Griff's point is very salient.

You need to be able to see yourself as others see you. Right or wrong you need to know what you look/seem like in the eyes of others. Then, decide if you need to change or just tell certain folk to go to hell.

But lately, you seem dumbfounded at the way people are reacting to you and you need to get to the bottom of it. If there is anyone you can talk to - maybe a professor where you go to school or someone in authority you can trust for some "uncle" type advice then seek it. Soon. Ask them why you are not being well-received.

And while I agree with Griff, I think there are circumstances when a college-high school relationship might be ok. A more mature college kid with great grades and good character who seems like a gentleman would be better, I think, than a reckless, high-school kid with no future.

But you aren't winning the first impression battle and that's pretty much gotta be all you. Just trying to help. I could say the employer is an idiot and the dad is a moron but I don't think that's gonna help you in the long run.

do dogs like you?

Wasn't he dating her before he was in college though? I thought they went to the same high school.

At any rate, it partly depends on the guy. My dad approved of some and not others, but my stepdad was opposed to everyone to a genuinely unhealthy (and obviously unrealistic) degree. Has she had other boyfriends before you?

Dude, you are putting your penis in his little girl. If he's anything like my dad, he probably still sees her as just leaving on her first day of kindergarten, and you're messing with that mental image.

My fiance is a really good guy. He is polite, a good conversationalist, doesn't smoke and rarely drinks, has a Master's degree and a good job, loves and helps out his family, and treats me like a princess. And my dad took years to find anything positive to say about him. It was always something critical -- because he likes video games, or because he has an accent, or because he took too long to finish his degree (after serving in the military!). With my brother and his girlfriend, it's that he's not Jewish. With my best friend and his gf, it's that he's white. No matter what the situation, he will find a reason to disapprove, and over time he will get over it.

People's feelings do change, slowly, with time. Not always for the best, though -- my mom's parents loved my dad at first (mostly because he wasn't at all a hippie or a draft-dodger), and now he and my grandmother can barely have a polite conversation.

Are you sure he doesn't like you for a start?

My teenage boyfriends were terrified of my Dad.
They were intelligent and confident young men who came into his living room - and to my shy Dad that was invading his sanctuary - and tried to make conversation. Dad would have been far more comfortable with a wave from the door, leaving him in peace.

Because he was a shade over 6 foot and muscular (he was still a marathon runner in those days and this was pre car-ownership so he cycled everywhere) and had an East End accent that made him sound like a gangster to Buckinghamshire ears, my poor boyfriends assumed he wanted to kill them, and tried as hard as they could to win him over.

He was also perceived as incredibly cool because he was into the current music scene, always had the latest console/ computer games and yet didn't want to talk to them (nothing says cool to a teenager like disinterest).

I was pretty much oblivious to the misunderstanding as I was usually finishing getting ready/ rowing with my Mum/ sneaking my sister's perfume when this was talking place. In fact it wasn't until an ex who became a lifelong friend mentioned it years later that some episodes and comments fell into place.

We are both going to U of I next year, me in my second year and her as a freshman, first year.

Her mom doesn't seem to have a problem with me, at least that's what she said. It's just her dad who doesn't welcome me into her home. So I dunno, I feel like I should screw him and not even try to please him over the top since he never gave me a chance.
I'm not dumbfounded. I'm merely asking for advice and information, more along what Hime said. Many of you are older, parents, husbands, so I wanted to know experiences like that. That's all guys. And what, no one else has ever had employment problems? I'm the only one?

You guys don't know it all. But the guy is an asshole. Chinese, worshipping his son, distancing his wife and daughter. You know my girlfriend and her dad haven't had a real conversation in four years? Anybody read my thread in domestic violence....put two and two together....There's a lot more to my situation which I choose not to disclose. But everyone jumps on me and calls me the problem.

btw, when you say "I've bought her tons of stuff" -that's going to look to a protective dad like you think she can be bought. Like a ho. Just saying.

ETA, although the extent of that effect may be cultural

Quit being so defensive. I answered based on the info you provided.

It sounded like a repeat of the My GF got a job and I didn't because you asked essentially the same question. And I did qualify my answer by saying that some folk that don't like you might just need to go to hell.

If he's old-world Chinese then that in itself could be the problem.

So, does she look like ducky? I'm guessing better. But I'd need a pic to tell for sure....

Start taking Kung Fu. That'll impress him. Or just piss him off more. Tough to say.

We only had the puzzle pieces you gave us. If her Dad is first generation Chinese and you're filipino-american you occupy different universes.

Ok. Sorry, defensive shields coming down.
Just insight is all I ask.
And...She doesn't look like Ducky. I can't put up a pic of her, sorry. She wouldn't like that.

We can't help you without the pic.


And I had some wicked-helpful shit on deck...oh well.

Maybe he's read your posts.

i've been faxing them to him.

cuz dad's know what guys are about.
Most guys (not necessarily you or anyone here) are about gettin some action, some poon tang, some booty like a pirate. im not lyin. i been to collge and so has errbody else.
the fathers know what a guys mind is like. and he'd be damnd if he cant protect this daughter from it.

pretty universal theme, i think.
yeah i generalize guys. but im right too suckaz

I'd suggest you ignore him as much as possible.

No, really.

In this day and age, in the USA, you don't get to choose whom your adult child will have sex with and/or marry. (I assume she's an adult or close to it if she's going to college this fall.) Like it or not, that's what we as fathers have to deal with with our daughters. And while we'd generally prefer that our daughters not let shiftless, no-good, leeching, fuckwit scumbags put their penises in them (as Hime so eloquently says), we can't really make that choice for them, much as we'd sometimes like to. Ultimately, what we really want is for our kids to be happy.

And at some point, he will see that you're making his daughter happy, and he will accept you as a reality in his family even if he doesn't like you. Or, he will see that you're making her happy and he just really doesn't give a damn. If that's the case, I hate to say it, but she's then going to have to choose between you and him. That's ugly, but that may be the way it is. But you're not at the stage yet, so just cool your jets and worry about building a good relationship with your girlfriend.

Thanks, SteveDallas. That understanding helps a lot.

Does he have a cellar account?

if he does, that answers all my questions.

Someone earlier mentioned respect. That's the key. My daughter is still in high school, and whenever a boy comes-a-callin, and it seems they will start seeing each other exclusively, I have "the talk" with him before he ever takes her on a date alone. I essentially cover two topics...first, he will show her respect or he can hit the road. Second, do not change to make her like him. He needs to be honest with her and not change who he is, else he will regret it later. So the talk is really to let him know he needs to respect himself before he can respect her. I have seen too many cases where a guy decided to change himself to be liked and it caused a lot of stress later for everyone involved.

So my advice to you would be the same. Respect yourself by being yourself, then respect her. Dad's can see right through an act.

Cleaning a shotgun while giving that speech makes it much more effective.

I agree.
I was always respectful and polite up-front... but they get one chance to blow it just like I do, but did not give a damn if they liked me or not and made that clear just like they do.
I will teach my son the same.
There just is no reason to.
& if the girl is not smart enough to think for herself and stand up to him if he does not like you, I don't want to date her.
My wife's step-father HATED me and I laughed in his face , in his house, when he taunted me. It was funny. There is nothing disrespectful about laughing at someone and thanking them when they are calling you a "punk"... it's supposed to be a joke and compliment.
There is nothing in this world that has less worth than another's opinion.
And more comical, that happened to me once, we ended-up talking guns for over an hour, pissing-off the girls.

I was always about the mom's, brought them flowers and was always nice to them... they were where the keys to the kingdom were kept.

i once took a girl out.....not even a date.....just picked her up to go out with a group of friends.....and her dad carded me. yeah. i was 17, but i had a full beard. he was sure i was over 21 and was going to pump his little girl full of beer....and dna, probably. ex marine.....napoleon syndrome....etc. . .

I have hardly any recollection of early encounters with jinx's folks.....been sooooo long now. 15+ years. wow. i'm ooooold.

I had the same problem, but more extreme, with my current wife.
I had age make-up on in the show we were doing. Her parents were unfamiliar with stage and film "tricks" and were convinced that she was dating an old man... it was a week before they could meet me.
It did not get much better though... I had very long hair, a leather jacket, pants, etc, with all the religions represented on the back with the "Immaculate Deception" tagged on the bottom, in graffiti style. Her step-father was a preacher. They found out I was one of her college teachers... she just turned 18. In fact, the first adjunct teacher for the acting class for that college. It was only her second show at that college.
Ahhhh... good times!
I did not date her until after the class BTW, it was her idea, I sent her away three times. I am made of flesh and bone ya' know.