Fear of Loss
 

I don't mean like you might leave me, I mean like you might die. Not in an abstract sense, but in a very immediate sense. You might die today. Or some other terrible thing, beyond our ability to predict or control, may happen. This has always bothered me. Like a persistant movie reel in the back of my thoughts, reminding me of the dangers of the world. The closer I get to someone, the worse it gets. I don't let it run my life, but there it is, always there.

What does this say about me? Why am I like this?

Could be dysthymia--chronic, low-level depression.

For me it's fear of change. I'm scared she'll be a completely different person tomorrow... or, more realistically, a completely different person three years from now when we're old enough to get married. Or just as bad, I'll be completely different and she'll dump me anyway.

I don't know. It would depend upon who you are worried about or just worried in general. There is alot of info on the web about conquering fear. Meditaion or mind control ( self ) can quiet run amok thoughts. Something to focus on like a tailsman. Well you know we are biologically set up to believe in something. There may or may not be any power in an object or symbol but it helps focus the mind. ie: a special rock in the pocket , a cross or a pentagram ect.


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Yeah. Tends to cause fear of death of the other or fear that they'll change/leave. The nightmares those fears cause often start a bad cycle.

I don't want this subeject to get blurred and mischaracterized. I am not fearful of being abandoned, I am not fearful of being betrayed, I am not fearful of any kind of behavior.

What I would say is that I am accutely aware that "bad things" such as fatal traffic accidents could likely occur at any given moment. I don't dwell on it, and I don't need help dealing with it. I'm just curious about the origin of this persistent thought pattern.

O.C.D

you see brilliant minds sometimes are quirky like that. I am a dullard so I don't have any OVER thinking problems so I really can't relate.

I was just about to say OCD too. I used to be completely unable to go down a flight of stairs without picturing myself tumbling down it in the back of my mind, or drive a car without seeing myself veering off the road at every turn. Over the last few years, I have gotten over many of my compulsive symptoms (lining shit up for no reason, folding the laundry precisely the right way...) and the constant awareness of terrible posibilities has diminished as well.

I accept these tendencies, as positives. I am a drummer. Okay, obsessive attention to detail and organization is useful there. What else? I work with computers. Okay, pretty rigid logic is required there as well. I make it work for me. I don't often make mistakes. But, it is very exhaustive, literally.

Sure, I like the way I am, too. I wasn't actively trying to get over the symptoms, I've just noticed they've faded over a period of about 4-5 years.

I sometimes think I have a touch of OCD too, I fixate on things and cant stop thinking/cant shut up about them for long periods of time... and I have a thing about symmetry, I always have to have anything that is at all organized to be symmetrical.

And since no-one else made the comment on my post, I must...
"Wefearchange"

I've found that some of my repetitive thoughts seem to have the quality of being disconnected from me. Disconnected in the sense that someone else is pushing the play button in my head. Finding how the thought is connected to me and releasing it are sometimes easy, sometimes hard, and some I still have. In the past I tried avoiding the thought, reprimanding the thought, adding more thoughts, taking away different thoughts, etc, etc. Those tactics never really had any lasting success for me. I have found a path that works for me now. I believe if you find the path/process/introspection that works for you , you will find a belief you hold (consciously/subconsciously) that cannot survive without the repetitive nature of your specific thought. Each person then has to develop there own philosophy or theology that opens those doors of release.

Rumination, or negative cyclic thinking, is also a sign of depression, dysthymia and OCD.

There was a time in my life that I would negatively ruminate. That is not what I am describing here. I am describing the frequent occurance of a particular theme in my thoughts, which is an unpleasant one, but also realistic. And, I have my own perfectly effective methods for dealing with this situation. I guess my only queston is: does anyone have any suggestions as to the origin of this theme? I have my own theories, but I am curious.

That's normal stuff I think. Young people have to change to become the person they are suppose to become.

I think I would strive to have the love continue in whatever form it takes. Maybe it will or will not be in the way you imagine but to be open for whatever course it takes means you get to keep the love. The love remains whatever it becomes.

I have to 'kapish' that alot myself.

I would offer the following as a possible origin. I would also like to say that my suggestion is only toward the "nature" of the origin since only you can truly know the origin.

You believe "all that you are" will cease to exist when physical death takes place. You also believe the best way to avoid death is by being constantly vigilant for its onset.

I stress that this is only a suggestion that beliefs are the origin, not these specific beliefs.

@BlueSky: Thank you, that is an interesting theory. Two things: #1 I am fearful for the death of others, not myself, and #2 that is not what I believe about physical death. Which leads in other theoretical directions: are those my real beliefs or just the ones I tell myslef on the surface? Also, when did I develop those beliefs? That one hits a nerve. This is my personal theory: that I developed these beliefs in response to an event in my life, and there is a residual, a loose end that nags me. A chink in my armor, begging to be dealt with.

The Litany against fear is a fictional incantation spoken by characters in Frank Herbert's Dune and sequels in order to focus their minds in times of peril. The litany is as follows:

"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."

This has worked for years for me. It still does. YMMV.

I would leave the refinement of this suggested belief to you and your methodology for finding such personal answers. J


I think an insightful answer to that requires a definition of why you believe there are levels to beliefs and what those levels truly are. To define mine VERY generally, beliefs are of two kinds:
1 (Ego Belief) This belief is formed solely of past experiences and allows only interpretations that agree with its evaluation of those experiences.
2 (Higher Knowledge) This belief exists in “all that is”/God/universal consciousness/the true reality” (pick or add the one that pertains to you) and is realized rather than “added to”

With those definitions: I regard any belief that instills fear, hatred, guilt, jealousy etc to be classified as type 1. Any belief that instills true love, joy, happiness, appreciation etc to be classified as type 2.




I would ask yourself the true nature of why this part of your perception “hits a nerve”

Thank you for playing along. I'm just thinking out loud.

Flint,

You are very welcome. :)

I like threads such as this one that welcome considerate verbal parley. I view many discussions at the cellar and try to respond to those that contain individuals that embrace a variety of comments. I feel we can all learn from each other !

I think everyone fears different things. It's only whether they consider these fears rational or irrational that distinguishes these thoughts. I've yet to meet anyone who has nothing to fear and if I ever did meet someone like that I'd have to accuse them of bullshitting me.

Being aware of your fears doesn't mean you're psychologically deficient. It just means you're aware of how you view life and perhaps gives you an insight into your motivations.

I say congratulations on knowing yourself so well.

Thank you. I don't think a fear of death is irrational, it's just...inconvenient. (Note: this is fear of death of others, I have no fear of death for myself - I would consider that irrational.)

I think the causes of death should be more of a concern than the actual happening?

Don't watch the 'Final Destination; movies then.:worried::p


When I was really physically ill I thought I could precieve death close by. I was having chest pains for months. Blood wasn't being pumped to my brain and my immune system was going bonkers. ( well I didn't know that at the time) I just couldn't imagine feeling like this for years. I was trying to sleep one night and I thought I could feel how it must be to be near death and it wasn't an unpleasant experience. So I guess I am saying if you are fearful people are going to die don't be. They are going to a better place. A place without pain. Without physicall illness or suffering. A place of rest. While obligations keep me tied to this earth I know when my time is up I will go peacefully. The experience taught me to take care of me and not to get wrapped up in the negative emotions of others of which I am hyper sensitive too. One reason I like the cellar is I think people are in control of their emotions. Or so I thought.

I've felt like that during the course of a migrain. After the migrain was gone, I'd always think about how amazing it is that our will to live can be so easily defeated by physical pain.

These thoughts also allow me to lend my support to proponents of euthenasia (sp?).

Fearing and knowing ones fears are two very different things. Also, accepting the fears that we all have allows one to overcome the debilitating affects they can cause. What really scares me is allowing that which I fear to control me or make me do,or not do, things which I would otherwise do,or not do. I'm afraid that didn't come out right - anybody understand what I meant??

@yesman065: I think you said you don't want to be controlled by your fears, by allowing them to change the course of your decision-making process. Sometimes you have to stop and review your internal script, determine whether you are re-living an old story, re-making old decisions, or basing current decisions on old information.

That was much better written, Flint. Thanks. Or as I tell my kids - What I meant :D

Sounds like the precursor to self-sabotage to me... the next step is doing something to screw-up the relationship because you have convinced yourself that it is happening or going to happen.
I used to do this a lot... part of having very low self esteem.

I guess I should have called this thread "Fear of Death" and put it in the Philosophy Forum.