Is it over?
 

My boyfriend of 10 months has been caught answering personal ads with an invitation to his apartment and a XXX pic. Keep him and forgive or cut my losses? Be brutally honest.

Welcome to the Cellar, anonymousfornow. :D
Cut your losses...run like hell.

I was pretty sure this is going to be the major consenus. I am in shock and looking for some magic.

I second Bruce. And you have my sympathy.

Lose the boyfriend. Take some time to be with yourself. Welcome to the cellar

I'm with the others, lose him!

Sorry you have to go through this though....and welcome :)

magick to kill him i hope.

I am hurt and sad but I'm astonished over the lack of anger I am able to rouse. Is there no hope? I can't understand it. Nothing is wrong. In fact, everything is going perfect. It was an accident that I found out. There were no signs there that made me want to investigate.

Nothing is wrong except your "boyfriend of 10 months has been caught answering personal ads with an invitation to his apartment and a XXX pic". Everything is going perfect except he's looking for sex elsewhere. Was it an accident you found out, or did he set it up that way? Lose him. If you're not angry so much the better, don't waste the emotional energy on someone who won't expend any emotional energy on you.
Good luck.

I'd at least ask what it was he wasn't getting from you, why he wasn't comfortable bringing it up with you and go from there.

If you are so inclined, break it off but I'd at least try to find out what was going on. Not that the answer will make you feel any better but the info may prove useful.

Without knowing more about you two, I can't advocate a course of action.

What he wasn't 'getting' from her was a variety of pussy-experiences as she only has the one. Lose him, my dear. The sooner, the better. A guy who does this will KEEP doing it.

I know how you feel and you have my sympathy.

I know this.You are right. I have only one. I provide plenty with just my one. Thats why I know something is deeply wrong with the whole scenario. I am using all my might to refuse acceptance. I don't want it to be true. I love this man.

Men like 'plenty' but they like 'plenty of DIFFERENT' even more.

What do you love about him? His duplicity? His sneaky-ness? His ability to pose for XXX pix to send to complete strangers? What?

Keep it up please. You are making progress. So, as women, are we doomed? Doomed to a life of acceptance of these tendencies in men? Being alone or casual with people forever? Help me out here. I cannnot even go over this with any of my girlfriends as they all have troubling issues with men, and I dont want them to know. I'm embarrassed.

"I am using all my might to refuse acceptance. I don't want it to be true. I love this man."

*Sigh* I'm telling you now... in my experience, and from what I've seen, you can accept the situation and forgive him, but if you do, you're setting yourself up for a long, painful relationship. He's just going to be more careful in the future.

And don't rationalize it. If he knows you're hooked, he's going to try a million different excuses, and you're going to want to believe all of them. It'll seem so easy.

But here's the truth. GOOD PEOPLE DON'T DO THIS TO THE PEOPLE THEY LOVE. If there was something intrinsically wrong with the relationship, a man who loves you will probably approach you about it instead of slapping his pic on the net and trolling for sex (at ten months?)

Good people cheat too, it's a fact. Anyone can screw up. But this isn't like he got drunk at a party, swapped spit, and things got out of hand. This was calculated. Don't forget it.

Just my opinion.

*incredulous* Your embarrassed? He should be the one who is embarrassed. Listen, I think you haven't gotten in touch with your anger yet because you are still in shock over what you found. If you are anything like me you will get angry and then you will turn that anger inward and begin to doubt yourself, your femininity, your worth as a person and all that fun stuff and soon you'll be screaming into your pillow at night. DON'T DO IT! Keep the anger focused on the problem--and the problem is HIM and I'm 99% certain that he won't change. I'm also 99% certain that he's done this kind of thing before. You don't say how old he is, but I'll bet this isn't his first time posing in the buff as a come-on to potential fuck buddies.

Women are not doomed to be alone. There are really kind, loving, sexually faithful men out there who want a real relationship. You have to decide what YOU want.

Now. Think about what kind of things Lover Boy would be saying to YOU if he found out you were trolling for casual sex and hanging your naked butt out for the world to see. I think he'd be calling you some pretty nasty names.

But here's the truth. GOOD PEOPLE DON'T DO THIS TO THE PEOPLE THEY LOVE. If there was something intrinsically wrong with the relationship, a man who loves you will probably approach you about it instead of slapping his pic on the net and trolling for sex (at ten months?)

Perhaps this is where the problem lies. Maybe he isn't in love with me.

Would you do this to someone YOU loved?

Lose him. Dump him and thank god you dodged a major freakin' bullit. MAJOR. Maybe this guy is a sex addict? Having dated one, I can tell you that it's about as much fun as dating a crack addict. The addiction always, ALWAYS comes first. Lose him.

If you were supposed to be in a monogamous relationship, then he is scum, and needs to be dumped.

Not all men will behave this way, but many, many of us will. I'm not even 100% sure it means he doesn't love you. It means that he's a slut and wants as much tail as he can hit, as often as he can hit it. And no, it doesn't matter how much *you* give him, because male lust isn't *about* you, or about *any*one woman.

I blame Nature, the bitch. It takes a pretty righteous dude to fight off the organic urges and be faithful in mind, spirit and body to one woman forever. Hell, even *I* haven't figured out for sure if that's the way people are actually supposed to live, but unless my partner and I *agree* to do other people, then monogamous we are.

I would be really interested in hearing his response when confronted with the facts, though. I'm betting he will not say it was his fault. He'll be a victim somehow, you watch.

Dump him.

a certain number of men are very good at triggering attraction in women. most aren't callous about it but a certain number are.

Thank you. I'm glad I read the rest of the thread before replying to some of the generalizations on the first page.:notworthy

You're right, unless this guy works for Kinsey, he's not trustworthy.

I think when it comes to relationships/partnerships each partner has to be on the same page. If you are going in different directions then how can you possibly feel any security and therefore any trust?

I think trust is the crux of the thing but what do I know. I'm just a lonely old hag. :p

Oh, girl, dump the dude! Yeah, you love him because your heart hasn't gotten time to catch up with reality. Sure, men can have a roving eye, but its one thing to fantasize, and its another to drop the good thing you have in the here and now. This guy let go of a good thing for a chance on some non discriminate sex. Lose the loser, you'll come out ahead, beleive me. You have my deepest sympathies. Some of us on the Cellar have been thru this before. It never gets better - only worse. :eyebrow:

you know, it just now occurred to me how exactly like middle/high school drama real life is. Everyone always talks about high school drama like it goes away...

I've been encouraged once to post my own experience, but I've not yet gotten around to that.

All I'll say is that I'm freshly out of a relationship that lasted eight years. I don't know that she ever cheated on me, and due to some past experiences, I think I actively don't want to know if she had.

I've got no evidence that suggests she was unfaithful, so for my own mental health, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt.

But I have to say, if your tenure is only measured in months, posting online personals suggests that his heart isn't there. Cut and run, before you get hurt even more.

-disenchanted

If you caught him once, he's done it a dozen times.

Dump.

I don't know either of you, but I would lose him so fast he would have trouble figuring out what happened. I think you are horrified that you found out and can't believe you didn't know, ie. "How could I have been so stupid?" Forget it! - you aren't stupid - He's a dickhead. A lying, cheating, immoral scumbag that will only bring you grief and perhaps one day an STD. Neither of which you want! Show him the door. The sooner, the better for you. Go and find a nice guy who will treat you right.

"Acceptance
Loss and subsequent grieving is a powerful, transformative time. It is a time to take care of yourself, to let go of the past and to create a future. Unfortunately, many people get stuck in one of the stages of grief, unable to complete their process and move on.

If you are experiencing loss and grief right now, if you have recently ended or are in the process of ending a relationship, I would like to support you in moving through it in an empowering way. I've created the following list of suggestions for you to keep handy to help you cope:

Remember that you...

• will feel pain

• have survived this type of pain before and will this time as well

• will feel lonely

• are ok and lovable

Accept that...

• the relationship is over
• your ex partner has both good and bad qualities; do not idealize or discount him/her

Focus on...

• yourself
• personal growth
• self care

Get complete with...

• yourself
• your ex

Own...

• the magnificence of who you are
• your part in the relationship break-up

Give yourself time to...

• grieve
• be alone
• recover

Make sure that you...

• get touch, from friends or a body therapist
• have someone to come home to sometimes, like a relative or a friend

Reinvent...

• your community
• yourself
• your future
• your dreams

If you're experiencing the end of a short-term relationship, consider the following:

Realize that...

• the pain you feel is not about your ex partner, but about your past
• if you start healing your past, the pain will subside
• holding on to anger at an ex partner will keep you attached and in pain

Get complete with...

• your ex partner
• all of your ex partners
• your parents

Give yourself...

• room to grieve
• room to grow

Build for yourself...

• a community
• self-esteem
• a life that you love

Whether you are ending a long-term or a short-term relationship:

• don't look for a new relationship until you are done grieving
• trust that when ready you will attract the right partner
• welcome the pain as an opportunity to evolve

It's through self-evolution that you will be able to create the relationship of your dreams."


by Rinatta Paries

I would also add that porn is an addiction. With any addict, you are communicating with their "addiction" not the person. They are possessed. It would take, like any other addiction, first admitting it, then they have to want to stop, then they have to seek help....etc.

No one on earth can do anything to change it if they do not wish to, but certainly an "intervention" of sorts can lead to their realization that they are hooked, and your encouragement can help them confront it.

But, personally, I would not expect him to just stop.

I know it hurts.

Absolutely not! Although there are people addicted to porn, or to ice cream or anything else, the majority of people that enjoy it are not addicted. :headshake

I think it isn't as bad in real life as sharp as the internet presents it? I mean it's more quiet don't you think? I mean a group of people at work won't be talking like this outloud.




Yes, the odds say it is so. He has done it more than once.


but to soften it. I got caught up in a user for a few years myself. Now I don't trust myself anymore .:greenface
I know the idea of what you want...what could be is beautiful but if you arn't on the same page then he should go bye bye.

OK....revision: for the addictive type personality it is. My ex, a severe alcoholic, "transferred" his addiction when in detox to porn and smokes.

I am a good example of those who enjoy it but are not addicted. LOL

Porn is not cheating, the two have nothing to do with each other. In no way can that stretch be made.

Do what I used to do, send him a Thank You card... thanks for letting me know who you are and what you are now, before I spent any more of my valuable time on you. If if was very bad I sent a gift or flowers, usually at work.
Was not a drunken one-night-mistake, premeditated cheat... he has done it before and was going to do it again. That is why he had the pictures on hand.
I am very sorry this happened to you and am sending you loving and healing energy.

I have no issues with porn in moderation. As a woman, I enjoy it sometimes. I dont mind videos, or magazines laying around the house. I don't mind going to the strip club once in awhile either. I've decided that men are going to do these things and it cannot be stopped. Only hidden. Given all the above criteria...I am suppose to be in a monogamous relationship and I draw the line at invitations to his apartment. We are 3 days out from my original post and although I'm trying to deal with this I am not doing a very good job. I had an all out anxiety attack on the way to work yesterday morning. We went out last night and I look at him differently. I hate that this component has crept into our relationship and so early on at that. I have made an internal decision not to make any more emotional deposits in his bank, because if I look at this objectively...he has never made a deposit...only withdrawls. I'm still looking to get in touch with my anger but I've looked for it and it isnt there. I'm just sad.

Anon - I don't want to come across all hands-on-hips-Jerry-Springer-audience at you, but what are you still doing with this man?

He obviously does not want a monogamous relationship with you at present - either he was looking to replace you by advertising himself online, or he was looking for other women to sleep with as well as you. Neither of these options fits with a man who wants to commit solely to you.

This does not necessarily make him a bad person, but it certainly makes him the wrong person for you. He could be the most wonderful man in the world, and you could love him more than any woman who's ever lived, but if you want different things from eachother you will end up getting hurt. More. Finish it.

Now, I obviously do not know either of you, and me offering advice to you on this subject is either hypocritical or ironic. Probably both. And making judgements based on your last post alone is foolhardy at best.

BUT. It sounds very much like you're not going to end this relationship. You're waiting for your anger to do it for you; some magical wave of willpower and indignation that's going to free you from the bonds of giving a rat's ass about this guy.

It's not going to happen. No more emotional deposits? Every second you spend in this relationship will be a deposit; whether you tell him or not, every bit of sadness (and eventually, anger) you choke down is going to be an emotional deposit. Just not a healthy one. Don't fool yourself. If you're in love with him, there is no halfway point. Your emotions are not like water from a faucet that you can cut down to a trickle and control. Just leave.

If you, God forbid, do stay with him, keep in mind that this is when you form the foundation of your relationship... and for that foundation to be halfway decent, certain things have to happen.
1. You have to confront him with what he's done
2. He needs to own up to what he's done, and sincerely express regret. No excuses. If he gets defensive, you've got a bad, rough road ahead of you.
3. He needs to be honest about why he did it, and
4. You have to able to at least start to forgive him for it.
Now, mind you, I would ask you why in the hell you'd even want to go down this path. IMH-andhypocritical-O, it's the wrong one. But I know why. And I'm tellin' you now, if you stay, and those four steps don't get done...:thepain3:

1. You have to confront him with what he's done
2. He needs to own up to what he's done, and sincerely express regret. No excuses. If he gets defensive, you've got a bad, rough road ahead of you.
3. He needs to be honest about why he did it, and
4. You have to able to at least start to forgive him for it.


These 4 things have happened.

Then your back to being the happy couple?

(((((((((((anonymousfornow)))))))))))))))


That is a great decision, and I bet you might fluxuate on it, some back and forth....that's normal. Maintaining your dignity is important.

What is he saying about things? Did he agree that you were exclusive? Where does he want your relationship to go?

I wish you both the very best.

Not exactly.

So do you have his yarbles hanging from your mirror, then?

This is like pulling teeth ... go on, give us a little more information so we can give you a little more support ...

I've made the decision to give it one more shot, flying in the face of what everyone has said to me. I know I am just an anonymous woman on a bbs, but thank goodness I have a place that I can be anonymous but still share my pain and find some TLC. My challenge will be to trust him and try not to treat him differently than before. I unfortunately have several life changing events taking place at the moment and adding this to the mix doesn't help. I have just shut down, but I cannot compartmentalize being cold and numb inside. I have to be that way with everything right now until I get through these life changes. Am I making any sense? I'm exhausted and scared and somewhat miserable, but there is so many other things at stake in my life right now I cannot let my bf or the possibility of having a total breakdown ruin or diminish the other great things that are happening. I just have to shut everything off inside me until I get through the next few weeks.

Oh, honey.

Why not just put your decision on hold until it's convenient. Don't commit to anything until you're ready. ;)

Oh my...

I just now read this, and it makes me sad, discusted, and pissed all at the same time. What was his reason for this? Because honestly... I think any reason he could possibly give you is bullshit and you should leave him anyway. I have dated two men who cheated on me. One fessed up to it and I stayed with him (wasting my time and only hurting myself more), and the other hid it from me (very well I might add). I can promise you that if I had known* for ONE SECOND that the second man was cheating, he would have been gone so fast his head would have spun. Men cheating is probably the worst betrayl any man could do.

I can give you hope though... in my current relationship, I know he isn't cheating. We have a very open relationship and if he wants to do things with another person we discuss it. We have had two threesomes in our 3 year 8 month relatinship. I trust him with all of me, and we will get married someday. Money is one of the main reasons we aren't engaged right now. I knew him for a couple years before we got together, and I think that is one of the biggest reasons why I trust him so much. I saw him in another relationship and I knew he didn't cheat on her. With my other relationships I always wondered if they were cheating, but I didn't have the proof and like the dumb person I was I let it go.

Sorry... I tend to ramble when I get pissed. But I think you get the picture. It is only going to get worse, and you should cut your losses. The first man that cheated on me and was honest about it, just ended up hurting me in other ways and doing it again and lying about it. Since he had been honest once about his unfaithfulness, I believed him when he told me he hadn't done it since. This man will only suck you dry. Leave him. NOW.

*I should point out that I was pretty sure he was cheating, but since I didn't have proof and all his friends told me he wasn't I decided I didn't know what I was talking about and I should just forget about it. I thought I was being paranoid because the other serious relationship included him cheating on me. I should also add that his friends were the ones who confirmed his cheating status (yes, the same ones who swore that he was faithful and loved me) AFTER the relationship ended. Since they were his friends he made them promise to never tell me what they knew, so they only felt safe telling me when they knew it wasn't going to get back to him. And I was pretty sure he was anyway.

I'm back to report
 

I am here to give you guys an update. reread this thread and get some tlc.

When I began this thread, I called him on the carpet. forgave him, made a commitment to myself to trust, let it go and move on, everything has been spectacular and Friday he made a mistake and was caught again (now we are almost 2 years into it).

He has never stopped reaching out to women through personal ads. I dont know how many he has seen or what he has actually done. I knew this was a risk when i found out the first time, but I truly believed that the prospect of losing me scared him straight. I also believe that he loves me, and cannot imagine his life without me. We spend 6.5 days a week together. We maintain two homes in different counties and stay at one during the week and the other one on the weekend.

We even had conversation a month ago about our commitment to each other and building a life together so I could hear for myself that we were on the same page.

What hurts the most is I do not know why he does this. We have open lines of communication, a great sex life, etc.

I would like to hear from men on this. I am deeply in love and truly at a loss, why do some men do this? It is the sharpest pain I have ever felt. Help me understand.

I do not think I have done anything wrong, I do not think this is my fault, so this is not a self esteem problem for me. I am just deeply wounded and even more confused.

You KNOW what you should do. Kick his ass out and stop wasting your emotional coin on this scum.

and, while I applaud your forgiving heart and your courage--you SHOULD have done it the first time.

Intellectually I know what I need to do, but amazingly enough, I don't want to. I think that is the sickest component of the whole situation.

you're addicted, then, just like he is to his netsex. When you hit rock bottom, get professional help.

This doesn't feel like the TLC I came here for

Nope, I bet not. More like like tough love.

As a man, I cant tell you exactly why. Perhaps because some of us can't control our base nature? That to is actually an excuse. The best answer is because we want to and because women let us get away with it. Hell I have know women that are the same way. I've been the other man a few times.
Dearheart the only real advice I can offer is unfortunatly close to what the others have said. Unless your willing to continue in a relationship where he goes and does whoever he likes while you just turn a blind eye then mayhaps you need a relationship with someone who won't. Or even just some time to be you. It is even harder when the relationship is otherwise a good one. That makes it so much harder to demand what you need out of this.

The unfortunate truth is that this is not apperantly just a thrill fling for him but an on going thing. You keep asking yourself I am sure, "What did I do or not do?" I know this will sound a little callus but it has nothing to do with you. In all the experience I have had like this where the relationship was good other than the cheating it usually involved the other partnet simply not being willing to be satisfied with what they have. Be it just because they were curious or even just because they were selfish and only cared about their own satisfaction.

Often it is not a lack in you, but them. I am myself guilty of this. I am married to a wonderful woman. She is more than willing to do anything I want, both sexually and in terms of our life together. Yet I still find that I let my beastial nature take the front seat.

The difference is that my wife knows about my extra marital games. We have both had lovers since our marriage. The lovers rarely last but she and I do. I have to say though were she to say that it had to be only her I would comply. I love her and it is not worth a quick thrill to lose her.

The real problem for you is not just the outside sex. It is also the lying. You have to wonder if he lied about this, am I missing something else? Ofcourse there is also the fact if he did it before he'll do it again, just as you have learned.

With great tenderness I say, He might be what you want but the relationship is not. You need to be somewhere else that suits you better.

For your sake.

He will keep using you if you let him. There are still decent men out there. Not all of them are old pervs like me. Unfortunaly I will admitt I have known too many like the man you describe and they always piss me off because usually they are hurting very sweet people.

With hopes that you find solace in the well wishes of other:

My the prophets guide you to the right path.

Then you came here for the wrong reason. TLC is not what you need at the moment. You need to gut-check yourself and either throw your shit in a box and leave or throw your sorry-ass boyfriend's shit in a box and tell him to leave.

Dang, girl you and me both. I haven't read the original post from 2006 but...

My original expedition to the Cellar that's what I expected in my posts about my girlfriend. TLC. Little did I know I would be ravaged and slashed for my own relationship problems that would eventually lead to my own hostility at this place. But after enough backlash I realized "they" might have a point and I got my own "gut check" and am happy for the insight. I was my own problem.

Me and my girl are coming close to the closest we've ever been, not because of the Dwellars, but because I found the answers within myself; but the Dwellar responses sure did support my responsibility to search for it.

It doesn't look like TLC on the surface, but it sure is stuff you'll want to read. Ok, maybe not WANT to read at the time, but you SHOULD read it over time.

The best advice will not tell you the answer, but show you the path where you can find it within yourself.

Thank you for taking the time to post this. I believe on some level that humans are not wired to be monogamous, it is a conscience decision. I also believe that controlling our urges is part of what differentiates us from the rest of the animal kingdom.

I am not going to change him, but I can change myself. I asked him about the possibility of having an open relationship and seeing how that might work for us. BUT I should be afforded the same right.

You can't keep me and not keep me!

I do not fear being single. I fear this person no longer being part of my life in some capacity.

Get something original pierce :thumb2:

Don't call me out Fresh or someones going to get hurt real bad.

Like I'm scared of some Gopher. :lol2: