Problems w/ in-laws
 

I am Bosnian and live and I am engaged to a Bosnian man. So there may be a lot of cultural reasons here. We are not legally married, but engaged and we own a condo together and take our relationship very seriously.

We hardly ever argue over things other than his mother. His mother and I just don’t click. She is very controlling, talks a lot and thinks that she is always right and the smartest. She always wants to tell us and ME what to do and expects us to do so. My fiancé and I have never taken a vacation alone because his family always wants to go. And this is the issue and I am getting tired of it.

We’ve lived together for two years and took vacations 4 times and all four times his mom has to go. I know it’s his mother and I try to respect her and understand, but I just want to have some time alone with my fiancé. Every time I take a vacation, I get more tired than when I stay in US and work (and I get paid for working in the US!). Neighbors are always there for coffees and stuff. So, all I got to do is clean, cook and be there for older people when they arrive. Hardly ever do I go out and have fun and enjoy the vacation. Actually, it is not a vacation! I am not even sure why I call it.

Well, this year the plan is to go to Bosnia again and of course to go with my in-laws again. I just can not do this any more. I want my vacation and I want a real one where I can rest. I told this to my fiancé but he just doesn’t get it. He tells me ‘you don’t have to cook and clean, just say no’, but I don’t want to be mean and I don’t want anyone to talk stuff behind my back. It’s as easy for him to just say don’t do it. Besides, every time I don’t be quiet and say something, she starts crying and makes me look bad. He said he already promised to them that he will go with them and will not change that. And I don’t want to go with them! He said that he will go alone then and will leave me here alone. Then I said I will go, but I will rent my self a car there by myself and won’t have to bag anyone to take me anywhere. When I am sick and tired of listening to her and her friends gossiping, I will ask you to go and if you don’t want to I will go somewhere by myself to relax. Now he gets upset and won’t let me do that.

What I am really mad about is that he won’t listen to me, but I am supposed to listen to him. I can not stop him to go without me, but he wants to stop me to rent a car there by myself. BTW, I will pay my own expenses.

I love him to death, but just can not take this any more. I just can not! I am independent and can go live on my own, but I am just scared to make that move for once and for ever…

Any suggestions would be much appreciated.

It sounds like your fiance doesn't want to rock the boat and wants you to do it instead. He should be backing you up. Don't like going "on vacation" when your in-laws go? Then just refuse to go unless it's just you and him. That'll get his attention and he'll realize how serious you are.

You think you have problems now? Wait until his mom wants to move in with you. The day is not far off.

I hope you can sort this out. It's not easy.

Sounds like this fella is a PACKAGE DEAL. Do you want the whole package? Cause he'll always be his mother's son, on that you may rely.

You better make a stand now because nothing is going to change if you don't.
If you make a stand, you may not like the results but if you don't, you know you won't like the results.
Welcome to the Cellar and good luck. :)

Get the WEDDING RING, honey. All you are right now is the maid. And not only that but YOUR own money is allowing them both to have a fine time at your expense. Nobody has the right to do this to you, "cultural differences" or not. Put an end to this now, it will only get worse. Good luck!

My prediction is that the next post from spavalica will include a link to a book about how to make your marriage/relationship work in ten easy steps.
/skeptical

But there're only eight posts now. She'd better hurry up.

Google is your friend.

Personally, I don't think she's a spammer, I think she's just someone who doesn't have any friends to talk to and so is looking for empathy wherever she can get it.

Once again I bow to your madskilz c'fob. I shudder to think what you may turn up about me.

I am glad to see that she at least replied to uncommon knowledge. But there was something distressing about seeing her s.o.s. being sent out to various groups. (four gerunds in a single sentence, do I get anything for that?)

I didn't really think she was a spammer, just peeved that she ignored all the cellarular pearls of wisdom we offered her. Maybe she just needed to vent and didn't really want advice.

Or just looking for more input, more reassurance.
Posters are like children, you give them your best advice, wind 'em up and let 'em go. Some come back. :)

Sorry!!!
 

I am not a spammer, just a person with a lot of problems trying to get as many suggestions from people that maybe went through this in their past.

But to keep you posted, yes the problems were solved after a visit to a marriage/relationship counselor, but unfortunately it was temporary.

We are still there...He keeps on telling me to ignore what his mother says, but I can not. Some things she said just hurt me so bad.

Like for instance, she makes coffee, and I say well let me help you and she says "Well You Better!", at that point I feel like saying well now that you've said that I purposly won't, but because I didnt want to make a seen there, I didnt say anything. And of course, my fiance claims that he didnt hear her say that. Isn't that the easiest thing to do? He never hears anything. And says if she says it in front of me and if I hear it I will tell her off, but she never says anything in front of me (and she probably will not).

I just started a new job 2 weeks ago. And I am waiting to settle down, at least for 3 months and then can move out.

My parent are even fully aware of this and told my fiance that whatever decision I make, they are okay with it. The accept me back home, but if I want to move out on my own (because I am financially able to) that I can. But they did tell him, whatever decision I make, then to stay out of my life. I wanted to break up a few times before, even when I was living at home, but he kept on calling and asking for forgivness, bla bla. So my mom knows that. Whenever, I get fed up with certain things and decide to move on, he comes back and begs.

He decided to go on vacation to Bosnia this year. I dont want to go, but he said he already promissed to his relatives and his grandma and will not cancel it. So, we made an agreement that we will only spend two weeks there w/ his family, one week in Croatia on the beach and one week in Belgrade (the two of us alone).

Still, I know that even those two weeks will just kill me!!! But, how do I convince him not to go there and for us to vacation by our selves somewhere else...How????

Glad you came back, spavalica. :D

It's mind over matter.....if you don't mind, it don't matter. But obviously, you do mind so I guess it does matter. Also obvious, you're not going to tell her to pound sand.

How about when she says, "Well You Better!", or something similar, you say, "What? What did you say?". Make her repeat it so others (he) can hear. Then he's got to choose..... put up or shut up.

Really, you've got to choose, since the situation is intolerable, either confront him/her/them or run away. The situation isn't going to change, at least not for the better, unless you make it change.

Wow, a motherlode to mine here.
"Well you better" Better what? Better get a bucket, because I'm gonna vomit?

I will tell you a charming anticdote® about my MIL:
SWMBO and I were over at MIL's house for dinner. I sit down and MIL brings out salads on plates (this is suspect already, because her usual salad M.O. is a big bowl, which I turned for her on the lathe incidentally) She sets the plates down at her place and SWMBO's place. MIL goes back into kitchen to get 3rd salad.

I notice a rather nice salad: black olives, leaf lettuce, capers, radicchio, grated carrots, sunflower seeds, etc. you get eh picture.

MIL returns with third salad and puts it down at my place: a bowl of shredded cabbage heart and some grated carrot.

WTF?

She says "I didn't have enough for a whole salad, and I knew you were trying to lose weight" (I was 6'-0" and 200#, not Kate Moss, but not fatty arbuckle either, and BTW I was neither trying to, nor considering, losing weight)

This woman is also so "lookist" she once qualified a story with the following "He was really fat, but a very nice person..."

I pointed this statement out to SWMBO and she didn't see what was wrong with it until i changed it to "He was blacker than the ace of spades, but was a very nice person"

Then she got it.

However, she still tries to defend her mother's salad strategy. This is 8 years later.

Leopards don't change their spots. (I think I said that somewhere before)


Also, since you are new here, and we welcome your fresh presence, I''l save you a post; SWMBO stands for "she who must be obeyed" = my wife. Or in your case, that would be YOU and your husband ought to be doing the OBEYING.

You can always bring it right down to the first chakra, look him in the eye and ask clamly and simply:
"Do you think pussy grows on trees?"

Only don't be bluffing.

Sounds like this is either her only son, or her youngest son.

Stand up for yourself. No matter how good the relationship might be, it will turn to a big, steaming pile of crap if you let this continue.

I suspect a wedding ring would merely demote your status from servant to slave. At least you haven't tied the noose -er, knot - yet so you still have time to make a choice. You can change yourself & your situation but you can't change other people, and it sounds to me like your fiance has already made it clear what his priorities are. If it were me, I'd make the break now before the legal complications set in.

Good luck with your situation
 

It will take patience and strength and faith. I has such a decision once. I found if you truly want it to work out, it will. Good luck.

Reply
 

So, we are going to a counselor now. He had suggested that we try for 5-6 month and if it doesnt work we split.

We went to his mother's house yesterday with the intention to talk about all of this. He didnt feel like starting the whole thing because at that present time she said nothing, and he doesnt want it sound as if he just came to argue with her and the things she had done. Fine! So, I said, if you don't want to talk to her now because you think that it will sound as if you just came for that and to make problems, talk to her when a problem arises.

So, while there she mentions that we got to call for these medical benefits of her friends and hands us the card. At that point he told her "Why are you giving me orders? You can't do that and I don't have to do it if you tell me to do it. If you ask us if we could, maybe we would, but if you tell us to do it and do it tomorrow, then we won't do it". Which is kind of a nice start at least he is standing up for us and letting her know that she can not tell us what to do.

But then, last night he said that he will go to work the same time as me (earlier), so he can take care of some things (needs to go pick up my medicine from my doctor, etc.). Well guess what? He wakes me up to tell me that he is already at work. He decided he needed to go even earlier to get off on time and to be able to finish all of those things.

I feel lied to! I went over the fact that he didn't talk to her yesterday about all of these things, but instead of making everything smooth, he disappoints me again...

I just don't get it, either he is stupid or something is definately wrong with him...Maybe, I should do the same thing. Tell him that I will wake up the same time as him, and just escape before he wakes up...Perhaps that would make him understand it. I just don't understand him, what he is trying to do.

I'm a mother with an only child. A son. Big V's right. Don't walk away form this. Run!! (By the way - I treat my son's girlfriend as I would my own daughter - I don't think this woman will ever treat any woman of her son's choice nicely. Good luck.

Dump this guy now!!!

I had a really great mother-in-law for many years - she died recently. She was wonderful.

So there is hope. But not with him.

What they said and remember the old saying - The apple never falls too far from the tree. This guy is gonna be just like his mother because thats all he has ever known and all she will allow him to know.

I understand you guys and sometimes I give up, but then I love him so much and we spent 4 yrs together. Last Friday at our counseling he made a promise that from now one I will be #1 in his life and from now on stand up for me for whatever reason, even to his own mother.

Also, we made a compromise that for the month vacation, we are staying two weeks in Bosnia and we are going one week to the beach in Croatia by our selves, and one week to Belgrade. The two weeks in Bosnia in his parent’s house, I will not cook for the family because the two of us will go out and eat and go out for coffees. He agreed on getting the automatic car that I can drive, and under those circumstances I agreed to pay half of the car rental with him.

On Saturday night he made a surprise for me. He took me to this bar & grill place with live band. It was very nice and on Sunday he took a day off and took me shopping. Which shows that he is trying. All weekend we didn’t go visit his family at all. They called to check where we are at, and he told them off “we are at some place”. They said what place? He said “SOME PLACE”.

He is trying, and I will give him some time to change, if he doesn’t then I will let it go. In that case I won’t regret that I haven’t given him any time to change and haven’t made a wise decision. This way, if he still does not change, well then I ought to move on. And I told him that too. And he said wait and see that I will change. He’s been telling me that he loves me more than anything and that he will show me that from now on.