Eulogy
 

I've wrestled with the idea of this thread for a long time now. It's clear to me that I'll never have it all figured out enough to post the thread, start to finish, complete. So I'm going to simply start it.

*deep breath*

I have to write a eulogy and it's stressing me out. It sounds so pathetic, compared to the burdens the others involved bear, not to mention the subject who, you know, dies. The whole thing is incredibly sad.

I've managed to make this start just as I have to leave the house for work. Intentionally. So I actually get something started and not just overwhelmed with no ability to see a logical stopping point.

When I return, I'll give more details. Not a tease, not a flounce or a flibberty-jibber-bit or whatthefuck ever. I just can't do more at this moment.

I'm sorry for your loss, BigV.

I've never written one, but I've heard a few. The best ones have a kind of a theme that summarizes the person and also throw a few anecdotes in.

I'd start by listing anecdotes about them, and then when you see a pattern emerge, you have your theme.

Your audience will not be hostile. They will be eager to come to what you are saying and give you an amen. They want to hear positive stuff to remember. The sadness is there too, but doesn't need to be examined in detail. It goes without saying.

I'm having a brain crushing deja vu. Didn't you go through this a few years ago?

glatt's on track. Funerals are not joyous occasions, but that doesn't mean you have to be a downer. You can speak well of the deceased without doing a John Cleese, just remind people why they liked the dear departed.

Oh, and keep it mini-skirt length, long enough to cover everything but short enough to be interesting.

Call and tell Elspode about it. He can help write it.

This.

Try going at it like a summary of a book. Do a basic outline. Think on each point for a moment, flesh out some details, personal observations, and build from that.

I once heard a 'eulogy' delivered in straight biography fashion. They guy walked up there, and just started like he was telling you about someone you never met. "Bill was born in 1938, in Winslow, Arizona to William and Betty Smithee, Dad was a carpenter, and mom was a housewife, yadayadayada...". When he got to the point in dude's life where they (dead guy and eulogist) met, he broke off into anecdotal stories regarding the two of them, and then family anecdotes. He then worked his way up to the guy's sickness and finally, how the man died.

It was a great eulogy, if there is such a thing.

That, also.

:blackr:

Why? Wouldn't anyone at the funeral already know that stuff, even from just reading the obit in the paper. Why not start when the eulogist and deceased met and carry on from there with the anecdotes and stuff?

Last funeral I went to was for my wife's aunt. And I learned a few things about her that she never talked about in the 20 years I knew her and that weren't in the paper when she died. I knew her as an old lady, but she kicked some ass in her youth and never talked about it.

So I can see it in that sort of a situation. Trying to paint a more complete picture of the person.

But generally, I wouldn't do a long biography in the Eulogy.

OK, that makes sense.
Ahem, some of you gathered here today may not know dear old Aunt Olivia worked at a tent Brothel, during the gold rush of '98, before becoming a prostitute in a WW I field hospital... ;)

Because, I guess. I didn't ask him.

ETA: Also, the guy spoke a good deal more than fifteen seconds, which is about what it takes to read an obit.

Maybe he felt he needed some frills and dressing.

I was just trying to help BigV find a direction to start in.

Thanks *all* of you. You are good friends. Your support means a great deal to me, thank you.

I've shared this with Twil, of course, but not with anyone else around here, no one that isn't already directly involved. And I needed some more sounding boards, support, critical and non-critical contact, etc. Gah.

Tink, my ex-wife is very sick. (The right way to say this is "Tink is dying" but I can't really say it like that very easily.) She has ALS. Some of you know what ALS is, for the benefit of those who don't it stands for Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, also commonly known as Lou Gerhig's Disease. The "Ice Bucket Challenge" that was all the rage last summer was the hook for raising money to study and cure this disease. It is a heartbreaking disease to suffer and heartbreaking to watch.

The disease causes weakness in the muscles, which gradually (or not so gradually) weaken to the point of atrophy. First in the extremities, then further up the limbs, then difficulty swallowing (and much more importantly and dangerously, coughing), then breathing... Fuck. Tink's family has been ravaged by this fucking disease. When we got married in 1990, her mother began to display symptoms a couple years later. I don't think Tink's mom ever saw SonofV. Then Tink's brother. Her aunts. In 2010, Tink's twin sister succumbed. Now Tink.

The progress of the disease affects only the body, Tink's as sharp and alert as she's always been. But now she can't transfer herself from her wheelchair to another seat (or vice versa). Before Christmas, her "bedroom" was transplanted downstairs. She's climbed her last set of stairs. SonofV is living with her full time. I saw him Sunday, he looked pretty good except for the brace on his wrist. He said he can't lift his mom anymore without it hurting too much, so he needs the brace.

Godammit. I have to go back to work now. More later.

HOly Shit, V. I know exactly what that shit is all about. We took care of my late FIL in his final months of ALS.

Fucking cancer is a rainy day compared to ALS.

That's a big bucket of damn. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, V. Terrible for SonofV, awful for you, awful for everyone. So sorry.

Yep.

As for your deja vu f3, in February of 2013 I got the call to come to Oklahoma. My aunt had fallen, struck her head, and never emerged from the ensuing coma. I wrote a eulogy for her. I was there for her, but also for my uncle and my cousins, and my mother, my aunt's sister, who went with me.

I just want to think and moan and cry out loud here for a bit...

My kids, God, I'm so wracked for my kids. ElderSon lives in Denver. He has been in blithe denial up until about Thanksgiving. I spoke with him and set him right. He responded appropriately. It's easy to live your own life as a young, employed, single, college graduate, a time zone away from your parents, no? Easy, but not prudent under these circumstances. He *did* take my advice to heart and drove here for the holiday. He was here for two weeks, seeing his mom for the first time since her rapid decline has begun. It hit him very hard. I got to see him for an hour or so at the restaurant the night he arrived, just after he'd seen her.

Even though he was here for only two weeks, the respite he was able to provide for his brother was a welcome relief for everyone. Tink misses him, of course. Seeing him was really great, and he avoided the potential tragedy of missing seeing her at all before "the call". I feel good for him and for Tink about that. He was very sad to have to leave, but he did have to. Of course he'll be back, but I fear the circumstances of his next visit will be dire.

BelovedDaughter moved out of Seattle (which she loves, she's a city girl, not a suburban girl) and out to the 'burbs renting an enormous house with her boyfriend. This big ol' house is only five minutes from the small place that Tink lives in now. The plan was to have space to let Tink move in with them. Tink and SonofV for that matter, the house could have all four of them with bedrooms to spare. This wasn't a unilateral decision, they'd talked about it beforehand. But Tink won't move.

She can be exasperating. This, of course, is nothing new for Tink (and she'd say, with some justification, the same about all the others around her). But it seems like an unnecessary burden, physically, logistically, and psychologically to have her in her own house, with no room for anyone else except SonofV (and his friend when the friend stays over to help him and her). They fear they won't be able to respond in time to some accident which will then turn out badly. This fear is constant. They already do a lot for her, the bulk of the physical burden of the caretaking falling on SonofV's shoulders.

He does the cooking and cleaning, though I don't see him as much of a cook or a maid. He helps Tink with all of her personal needs, including transferring her everywhere she can't go with her wheelchair. Like to bed or to the toilet. Remember, Tink's place is just a small townhome-y style place, without roll-in bathrooms, etc. I do believe there's a hospital bed in the front room now, though.

Last night after dinner, BD, SonofV, Twil and I were sitting around talking and sharing each others' company after exchanging (late) gifts. We talked about all this stuff. They're sad, they're worried, they're resolute, they're realistic, they're concerned, they're respectful... I'm very proud of them, but what a fucking ordeal. I am trying to maintain a respectful distance, and ... it's complicated, right? Tink has a boyfriend/beau/partner/whatever. But that shit is complicated too. Documents are not signed, making the conversations only a social obligation but with no legal standing, the worst possible case.

I'm tired. I'm going to take a shower, maybe a nap. There's more to the story, but I feel a little better for having expressed the bit I have. Thanks guys.

My freshman year roommate is about a year into the disease. It's heartbreaking. So sorry to hear of this. V you are in my thoughts

Thanks man.

I'm sorry man, this weighs on your family so heavily. Apparently you raised a hell of a solid son there. Good on you, good on him.

I'm so sorry, BigV. Keep the strength. That's what family does for each other. :(

I fell asleep in the chair here. wtf?

Ok, really. A shower and a nap. I mean it this time.

But not before I thank you two, too. Thank you.

Sorry, V.

Soooooorrrrry, SonofV

I thought SonofV was 14 or something.

SonofV will be 20, chronologically, in April.

But he's wise and sensitive well beyond his years. He's not much of a scholar, but his compassion, his emotional intelligence is truly exceptional. As a little kid, middle school, he would answer the door at Halloween but only after he took off his mask "so I don't scare the little kids". That kind of stuff.

And BD, oh. She's the leader, always has been. When they were little, we'd call for the kids, like all parents do, "come inside for din-nnnner!" or what have you. But since she was the only one who could hear it was **ALWAYS** "BD, you guys come in now." or "BD, tell ElderSon to come see me." etc, etc. She was trained from the get-go to be his ears as well as her own. That early and continuous training has led to a very responsible adult. Not a neurotic, she has a healthy sense of her boundaries, but she is able and willing to take charge.

ElderSon, heh. Poor kid. Not poor because he's deaf, though that's an extra degree of difficulty for practically everything, but being the eldest, he broke trail for his younger siblings as we rookie parents made the mistakes on him first. And we made plenty. He's learned to be resilient, and that's a great blessing to us. We never let his deafness be an excuse (sometimes a reason, but never an excuse) and he has found his way in the world. Just like we'd hoped for and worked for.

I love my kids. Being their father is, by far, my greatest joy in life. It has been my calling, and the rest has been connected to, or in support of that role. I've been a spouse, and been fired from that role, but I'll be Dad forever. That suits me just fine.

...


Watching them deal with what's going on with Tink has been hard. I've had to stand by, a lot, and watch and let them deal with it, without plunging in and doing stuff myself. This has been hard for me. It's been the only way to do things because Tink's not my wife anymore, and that's how she wanted it, how she got it, and I agreed (eventually) with it. That's settled. And I've walked a line at a respectful distance. When she was well this was no biggie. She was getting on fine, and I was too; I still am. I'm happy with my life. But I'm not hostile toward her. I am not in love with her but she is, and always will be important to me. I spent the greatest portion of my adult life married to her. I raised three kids with her. She is the mother of my children, and you all know my feelings toward my children.

So Tink's illness has had an impact on me, too. I feel bad that she's sick. I feel dread at the prospect of her death, having seen how her mother, brother, twin sister and others in her family all deteriorated and died. Though my ex-in-laws don't have any contact with me, I feel sad for them too. My ex-FIL has buried many of his family members, struck down by ALS. I feel terrible for my children who are watching their mother die. Their mother. This makes me saddest of all.



I intend no disrespect to my friends who've battled cancer. My dad died of cancer in 2001. Fuck cancer sideways.

However.

ALS is cruel. ALS is mean and sadistic. They're there, right there, dying. Drowning under an inch of water and you can't touch them. It feels like they're being tortured to death. My kids; their mother. And my best contribution is to stand by and listen well. I hate ALS, I hate it so hard.

The combination of drinking and posting and this thread... it's not a good combo. I'm going to have to break up this particular group. I think I'll start with pizza. I'll be back later. I love you guys.

Sorry for everything you're going through, V. :(

Yeah yeah, don't be defensive. I asked because you said it was the best eulogy you'd heard, so I was curious if covering early history made it better or maybe the guy was just a good speaker.

Wow V, the ex? That's a really tough assignment, did someone ask you or did you volunteer for it? Who would be responsible for final arrangements?

Sorry to hear you are going through this.

V, I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. X

Sent by thought transference

Christ, V, what a horrible, horrible thing for all concerned. *hugs*

What a horrific disease. I'm sorry for you and your entire family.

On further reflection, and back to the problem of the eulogy, I can see that the anecdotes route could be a minefield for you.
On the two occasions when I have "officiated" at a family funeral (we are non-believers and have non-religious ceremonies) I have asked people significant in the life of the deceased to write a short piece in advance, perhaps just one or two memories, which either I read out, or they were invited to.
You'd certainly be on safe and celebratory ground if you focussed on the children you have raised so successfully together. They will be a large part of the legacy that Tink leaves.

The biographical style eulogy I think works better when the departed was elderly. The eulogy for my grandfather was like that and it really helped contextualise his life and who he was for those of us who hadn't known him as a young man. I found out things I didn't know about him and about my family (the fact that the Coombs family went out to India in the late 18th century for instance, and that they were, to quote the euology 'the last of the great Indigo plantation families'). I knew he'd been chief auditor of the Indian railways and seen some small service in the war - and that he had brought his wife, young sons and nephew back to the motherland in the turbulent days of partition - but I don't think I ever realised how hard he found it to leave behind his ancestral home. And how hard he worked to make a new one.

When people leave us at a younger age, I think it helps to focus on who they were and what they meant rather than biographical details. Odd little anecdotes that demonstrate their personality and importance - fro your perspective that would more than likely be that you have a shared history and her importance as a mother.

Not sure how helpful that is though. When my Dad died, i bottled out of a proper euolgy and wrotea short poem on behalf of my brother and I. The person who officiated at the funeral put together a brief bio with our help and delivered that before I read the poem.

Damn, V. Just, damn.

It is horribly cruel and sadistic. With my late FIL, an extremely sharp and engaged man who lived to talk (the hind leg off a donkey was peanuts for him) the disease presented itself first in his throat. For a few months he would carry around a pre-printed card with his doc's # and a note explaining that he was not drunk, etc. etc.

He shortly lost the ability to speak, so he would type things out and have the computer say them. He became very frustrated at not being able to communicate and began to spend a lot of time with various discussion groups relating to composing and music. (He wa a composer) he had an enormous network of online friends that we knew nothing about until after he passed. Eventually he could no longer use his keyboard and was constantly inadvertently fucking up his OS by banging the wrong sequence of keys, or something. Eventually he could only sit there reduced to head nods a prisoner in his body.

Not to take anything away from the shittyness of any other disease, but ALS is a fucking nightmare of trying to run but being unable to move come to life.

I've got no ideas about the eulogy other than from the heart. Again, my sympathies to you and your kids.

Hmm... interesting, that's a couple of good experiences having the history of the deceased filled in. Maybe because I avoid funerals like the plague, I've only gone to ones for people I knew really well.

"I didn't go to your mom's viewing because I didn't know your mom."

--supposed 'best friend'

Other friend: Well, you know L. (L is me)

Ex father in law: funerals/visitations are about paying respect towards the living. Show up.
'
Which I did for his viewing the week between Christmas and New years.

I've failed in this too, always showing up. But I don't brag about it.

Until you've lived through it yourself, you don't really get it. People are surprisingly clueless.

I really appreciate the support you have all given me, thank you.

xoB, I guess I've volunteered, no one's asked me for anything. But I have something to say about it, ffs, she was my wife for almost twenty years and she's the mother of my children. I'm in. As infinite monkey said, it's about paying respect to the living. And I'm on good terms with most of them, non-speaking terms with some of them, and unacquainted with some of them.

As for the eulogy, I also have in mind to have it written up, in pencil (metaphorically speaking), and give it to Tink for her to see. For that matter, maybe she's got something she wants read out. I don't know; we don't have a lot of contact these days. But she's living and I want to pay my respect to her too. She has my respect, she deserves my respect. But I think this could be an awkward conversation. Even if she says no, and doesn't want to read it or speak to me, that would be fine.

Focusing on my experience with her, how we met, the family we raised, the qualities that attracted me to her and that others have also admired will figure prominently in the work. As you can tell, I'm still sorting and organizing this stuff in my head. I think it will help for me to decide who my audience is, in my mind's eye/voice. Obviously, I won't know everyone who's likely to hear it or read it. But thinking about the people I *do* know who'll be listening... that'd help me focus. It could be more than one person(s). One part for one segment, another part for another segment. Address them, so to speak. Yeah, I'm still thinking about it a lot.

Sure, I would expect you to want to participate, and certainly expect you to be given the opportunity by whoever is in charge. Getting prepared is another way for you to deal with this horrible development.

However, paying respect to the living, not so much. There were a mob of people at my father's funeral because of his years in politics and numerous fraternal organization. They were all there going through the motions like good doobies, but respect the last thing on their minds.

My ex had a friend who went to the funerals of everyone she knew, or knew a friend, neighbor, cow orker of. Social networking when there wasn't facebook to tell people what a good person you are.

Paying respect to the living by reminding them you came to see them because somebody close to them died? Gee, what a pal.
No, funerals/wakes are to say goodbye to the dead. If you were both in a bar and you wouldn't say goodbye when they left, you've no business at their final goodbye, you're just emotionally or socially masturbating.

Oh, should I add IMHO? No, my name's on it, every post is opinion, and not at all humble. ;)

I just added this to my personal funerary doings...

Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep

by Mary Elizabeth Frye


Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

That's a pretty good measuring stick.

I don't really 'do' funerals either. I see them as more of a private/family thing. I have to have been exceptionally close to a person to attend a funeral service, and I don't get that close easily.

I like that poem, Gravdigr. I'd come to your funeral. I'd say goodbye to you as you left the bar, too.

xoB, your point is well made. I agree with it. But for those "social mastubators / networkers", fuck'em. I'm not talking to them, not directly. Those would be the people I don't know. No reason to snub them directly, but I doubt we'll connect much, and I certainly have no inclination to seek out anyone there that I don't already know.

But there will definitely be people there, the living people, who I'll be grieving with. Those are the ones who have my respect that I intend to show. You're right on target about saying goodbye to the dead, too. And I will, also being aware that I'll be watched by my children. Her sisters and her dad and his wife will be there of course. Probably lots of relations more removed from her immediate family and from my attention. From my side if the family, I expect the only other person who might attend would be my mother, and she's a maybe due to her mobility restrictions.

I don't really know who's in charge of the final arrangements, I suspect it's BD. I'll contact her later, probably tonight, and talk to her about it.

Maybe pictures? A slide show? I just don't know. Music? These are the kinds of questions Tink would be, or IMHO, *should* be dealing with. **shrug** I just don't know.

http://hereandnow.wbur.org/2014/03/2...nary-tale-will

http://www.washingtonpost.com/busine...572_story.html

Some food for thought.

Selfish is so easy to do. The hard stuff is hard.

Kudos to you BigV, for doing the hard things.

Thank you infinite monkey. :)

My heart is broken for you V :'(

We did a slide show of my dad with pictures from his childhood to most recent with the soundtrack from one of his favorite TV series, Pennies From Heaven, as background.

Everyone ended up gathering in front of the screen and trading stories and memories, it was actually fairly uplifting for people to see a lot of photos of him smiling and enjoying life. It took a lot of the downer out of the event and focused on the man and his life rather than on his passing.

They did a slideshow at my ex father-in-law's visitation too. It was really nice. I was in 3 shots. The last thing he said to me when he was still aware of his surroundings (at the visitation of a good friend, my ex's best friend) was that I was always like another daughter to him. We got along so well.

Anyway we did picture collages for mom. She had prepared a cd with songs she wanted on it. Wish we'd done a slide show.

My FIL was old school. His funeral is the day after tomorrow, and I made up two big old school foam boards of picture collages. I'm really happy with how they came out. I always thought we didn't have any pictures of him, but once I started digging through our stuff, and then asking around, I got a lot of material. Scanned it all and made prints. His whole life, from baby pics all the way up to a month before he died.

Slide shows are good too, but you always get the one oblivious cousin who stands in front of the projector and blocks projected images from reaching the screen. And what are you going to do, interrupt the conversation he's having with Aunt Alice and ask him to GTFO?

My dad's family is Irish. They'd be vocal and then brawl if need be.

Anyone ever attend a funeral with an open bar?

Some open bar weddings I've attended have effectively been funerals...

All I can say is HUGS BV. I'm so sorry for all concerned.

Have you contacted your local ALS org. chapter? They can be a huge help.
Before I worked for Make-A-Wish in AZ, I worked for another org. that shared offices with the local AZ chapter of ALS. They can help with a lot of equipment needs, cost savings, etc.

again the Irish

OK, I've told this story a thousand times in my life, and probably a hundred here in the Cellar...but not everyone has heard it, so...

Years ago I was telling my family I want my funeral to be a party. I want an open bar, and I want people to come up to the podium or whatever and talk about something really funny or dumb I did. I want laughter and celebration.

Brother: Great, now that we have it all planned, let's set a date!

So sorry, V. I know we've talked of this many times. It seems as though things have accelerated so much lately. I'm but a phone number away. Hang tight. FOcus forward. You've always been very good at that.

Thanks brother. I know, and I will.

It has been fast. SonofV was decompressing the other day and commented on the speed of developments. He said, "I was so surprised when we got back from Switzerland and the walker was there (in the house)." We got back from Switzerland at the end of July. So by December, her bedroom was moved downstairs. It has all been very, very fast.

@ im, that is hilarious! But, please, I'm patient, very patient, mmkay?

Well let's not wait so long that we're too impaired to enjoy the party

emergency trip to the hospital now.