Mea Culpa
 

Dear Friends:

My lovely, loving wife and I have been through an unspeakably difficult season, one I hope never to repeat. I hope none of you ever have to go through it yourselves. Of course, many of you have already. I can honestly say this last few months have been the worst time of my life. During this same time, my wife has also suffered terribly. Making matters even worse, we suffered apart from each other.

But we were not alone. My wife had her support network, and I have relied on my support network, including people here at the cellar. As Tink has posted a couple of times, in the course of our reconciliation, we've shared with each other what happened during our time apart.

Some of the things I did during that time hurt my wife deeply. Specifically, when I talked with women inappropriately, about attraction and arousal, I hurt her. My actions hurt her. Tink, I apologize for my actions. You didn't deserve to be treated that way. You deserve my respect and my devotion, my fidelity and my love. And I failed to give those to you. I know that hurt you, and I am deeply sorry. I am asking for your forgiveness, please.

I know how hurt you are by me, and that you're also hurt by actions of the other people I interacted with. You are upset and angry with me and with them, and justifiably so. I won't speak for them, they can speak for themselves. Indeed, some have apologized directly to me, and to you. You have seen these too. I greatly appreciate the effort made by these people. Thank you.

Which brings me back to the "other people".

Y'all.

The difficult road back to our new, delicate peace is made more dangerous by deliberate attempts to prod and provoke and inflame. Most of you have big hearts, filled with concern and compassion, at first for me and now for both of us. To you good people, I say thank you from the bottom of my heart.

To any and all of you who find Tink's remarks to this point unfair, I say you don't know what you're talking about. Further attempts to dig deeper are unhelpful and unwelcome. There may come a time when more information is shared here. But this is not that time.

For those of you Jerry Springer fans who are stirring the shit in service to your own petty pathologies, I wish you a very heartfelt Fuck Off. Get help, and go away. But if you can't get help, just go away. We don't want or need your help, and besides, your disgusting little hands are covered in poo.

The Cellar is made of computers and cables, opinions and assholes, insight and ignorance. But what gives it life? People, you wonderful people. But as wonderful as the cellar is, it is not more precious than my wife and my covenant with her. I hope and believe there is room in our life for others. But if there is to be only one other, I choose Tink, and she chooses me. We have much to gain and much to contribute, but it will be offered--not extracted. Please, no more questions on the topic for now.

By the way, I misspoke earlier. When I said I failed to give you my respect, devotion, and fidelity, I should have stopped there. Because you have never lost my love, Tink. You never have and you never will.

You're the man BigV. We all make stupid mistakes and even though I'm young and still have many more to make in this life, I can easily recognize the high road you're trying to take here. Which is why you're the man in my book.

If you think that post is going to keep every red blooded man from lusting after Tink, you're nuts.

You and Tink have no right to treat the "unnamed dwellar" in that way. That she remains silent on the topic speaks volumes for her. You brought your problems here, you posted them on a public forum. The topic is not "done" on your say so. You treated people badly and used your grief as an excuse. You monopolized the chatroom. We listened, we offered advice, comfort -whatever you needed, and ignored when prudent. Or left.

....And now you think it's fair game for you and Tink to "blame" those who gave up their time to listen to you rant, who did not slap you down when perhaps that was what you really needed. Those who worried when you threatened suicide, those who tried to cajole you out of it. And you tell them to Fuck off. All of a sudden they are interfering with poopy fingers? To give you the benefit of the doubt, I posit that perhaps you were so strung out on alcohol/caffeine/grief/whatever you don't remember your behaviour.

I can tell you are proud of this post, but you should be ashamed.

All BigV wants is to be happy and free from pain, just like I do.
All Tink wants is to be happy and free from pain, just like you do.
All monster wants is to be happy and free from pain, just like I do.

Nice post HLJ.

I think sometimes we lose focus on why we're here.

I'm here for the boobies.

tart

not yours

you will be

whip me!

bend over baby

Relationships People who need people; or, why can't we all just get along?

ok people(s).....let's move along before something else gets said that is more destructive to ALL posting here.

BigV and Tink, I don't know you but.....glad to hear secrets are not an issue. That's nice. Can't be any good anyway.

Let's all cut them some room and get away from being petty. They are in a fragile state of putting the puzzle back together. I think support is in need. Like a good bra!

Well, I hope nobody is looking at me. I did chat with V on many occasions, yet I never sent pictures of myself...nor did we discuss anything "inappropriate". He (to his credit) was purely platonic in his discussions with me and I was the same.

I think when one splays one's personal issues for all to see, one runs the risk of being taken advantage of. Gossip hounds will be anxious to know who the elusive "she" is. Others might react as a scolded child, concerned that our actions/attempts to provide friendship were mistaken for "husband stealing."

BigV, well said.

The poking and prodding? I didn't care for it either. I know that we Cellarites (who are human) can be very defensive (not only including me, I may be at the head of the pack) but I think there are things we should just shut up about. Seriously, I don't really give a shit who "she" is. Why does anyone?

Having said that, I wish you two the best. I like Tink just from what little I know of her. I know most people here do care, and yes, doing what friends do and knowing only one side of it but caring enough to care about the one side we know of. Tink's presence here is really a chance for us to grow too. Though yes, many of us have been through the kind of pain you have been through together, we can learn from remembering that there are two sides to every story. The best we can do for both of you is to go on, chat, have some giggles, and just know we care for you and you for us.

It's a crazy little society, but it's mostly good. I am glad I know both of you.

Sorry so sappy, I'm sappy sometimes. :)

So, I am wondering if I am in the 'other people' group that should fuck off or not.

I would send you both a PM, but since the last one I sent to V asking how things were going last week was returned to me blank, I'm totally confused.

I feel if you guys have a problem with someone(s) in particular, send them a PM and tell them so, and why.

This is what I get for getting too involved trying to help people I don't 'know'.

Lesson learned.

Yeah, these vague diatribes where posters go off attacking various people - but not really, because they don't name names so people can respond intelligently, leaving everyone wondering "is it me??" - suck.
Really, really bad form. If the message is private - use PMs.

you talkin to me?

I think she was wise in not naming the "she". Why? To cause more grief. She answered a simple question and in a short, concise way. I'm sure the :she" wouldn't want to be named. Who cares?

If you really want to PM V and his PM is shut off, PM Tink. Is hers shut off too? If so, they said their peace I guess. I think she should be the one saying F*^K off instead of the other way around. Could it be that you all really wanted them to not get back together? Is there jealousy? I mean really, shit, leave her alone.

hey shit stirrer? fuck off. k? thx.

Big V- well said. But in light of the past? I think it's undeserved.

I would like to take this opportunity to point out this thread (at bottom). I would like people to read it from beginning to end. The people on the cellar have shown great respect for Big and his relationship from what I have seen (only out in the open mind you). This thread was created before his wife was here. Maybe it would behove Tink to read it as well. This particular thread sticks out in my mind, because everyone was doing their best to help.....I don't know who is bothering Big or who the people are that should fuck off...I'd be comfortable if you started naming names, because people have tried to do a lot for you Big and you give them a firm rejection. Hey consider it done. I think you both are being overly-defensive, or someone is harassing you both...which is it? A mixture of both? Here's the thread, and I'd like this to be admitted as evidence. Don't say fuck off then try to say it's no one's business who exactly should fuck off.

Now all the women here feel guilty for talking to big at all....as they should...because they are being made to feel that way by vague accusations and a firm fuck off. Who are you telling to fuck off? Exactly? Oh wait it is not polite to name the "she" or who should fuck off exactly. It will only make the situation worse? Well, you guys are insulting now. Just wanted you to know that. Your letter is dripping with sincerity, and I will mind it.

Good luck to you both. Really.


Start at one and keep reading.
http://www.cellar.org/showpost.php?p=391805&postcount=1

you sure said 'fuck off' a lot in that post. My fuck off sensors are all overloaded now.

You know, I find it very interesting that Michaela, from Washington, is so involved in this for such a newbie.

I'm just saying.

Fuck off.
:)

Don't start pretending like you have sensors now....

Or could have developed any sort of informed perspective?

:D

Just sayin'

I don't. Shrug.

OK, I'm done. I shouldn't have posted that, but, well, it is interesting. I don't want to be stirring anything more.

Personally....I think BigV has abused at least one tenuous friendship he's developed here. As an objective observer, I opine that he is allowing blame to lie at the feet of someone who was responding to advances he initiated. He should be taking 100% of the responsibility for those deeds instead of encouraging or even permitting his wife to shift any of it outside.

Now you're really reaching. Paranoid I'd say. Just because I live in Washington. That is the funniest thing I've read all day. Thanks for the thought, but, no....sorry to disappoint.,...no insider info here.

I don't read him blaming the other "she". If you read his post in an unbiased way, he is taking all the blame himself. He says it...HE fucked up! And he's sorry. Damn.....hugs to B & T.

ORLY?

Michaela-No I'm just noticeing that your post count is 47, and you joined this month, and maybe you don't have enough history with situation to make a sound judgement. Or be effected by it in any way. Let people have their opinion about what Big is saying because they are familiar with him and you, (just a guess) are not.

I don't care where you are from. I don't not suffer from Washington paranoia because I have no clue as to what that is or what you are talking about....

Welcome to the cellar, we haven't formally met yet, and leave people to their own battles.
:)

Unless you are Tink and have a pseudonym. Which is my impression..............not sure.

oh damn. and so begins the death spiral into oblivion.

Yes REALLY!
"I know how hurt you are by me, (he's talking about his wife right?) and that you're also hurt by actions of the other people I (meaning BigV) interacted with. (meaning the girl)

You are upset and angry with me and with them, and justifiably so.
Tink stated that both parties sent pics of each other to each other as BigV obviously shared with her as they were trying to reconcile. So, that says to me, yes the "she" was actively involved. However, he is taking the blame. You all are harsh people. BigV was wrong, he admitted it. I don't see "she" standing up and apologizing for her part in this. You say he led her on....so you are in the know....well, "she" didn't have to play. And yes, she had a part whether you all want to believe it or not. Who sends private pics of themselves to another woman's husband in what obviously was of a sexual nature based on the post?

I'm just trying to stand up for those that I feel are being beat down in a way over the top way. and pardon me for living in Washington. Not my first choice, believe me.

doin' the play by play, are ya? need a color commentator?

I'm glad I'm not her. Wouldn't want that life. sorry to disappoint yet again. so what if my count is 47 after one month. Ask for a count of the others who post 10+ per day.

[quote=Cicero;407401]Michaela-

Welcome to the cellar, we haven't formally met yet, and leave people to their own battles.
:)

QUOTE]

You should follow your own advice.

'She' is undoubtedly mortified and unwilling to be focused upon in this way.


I didn't say he led anyone on....I said i thought that he initiated it.
someone who is, no doubt, responding to advances of a recently 'divorced' man. never seen this type of thing go down before?


I have no interest in beating bigv or tink down. I like bigv and i dont know tink at all. I DO, however have a bad taste in my mouth. He wept and slobbered all over the cellar, and in at least 6 different individual ears that I know about. speaking 'privately' to enough people becomes public at some point. Monster said it pretty well near how I feel.

But....truth be told....I'd rather not know anymore about their marital strife....good or bad.

BigV needed support and leaned heavily on a lot of people, male and female, on the board, in chat, in PMs, in phone calls...
To single one supportive person out and give them a bunch of shit because she is female and cute is just fucked up.

Quite a few of us know who "she" is - and she knows she didn't do anything wrong and doesn't owe anyone an apology. If Tink thinks that she is owed one (other than V's) then BigV has not conveyed the situation accurately.

I think you're bein a little unfair to BigV. He was clearly going through a very bad time and sought comfort/advice/a friendly ear amongst the dwellars. Nothing wrong in that. If it wasn't considered slobbering then it shouldn't be considered so now. I do think there's a degree of unfairness the other way too. But then...T and B have both been through the mill lately and may be feeling a little fragile now...or slightly uncomfortable at how much of their lives ended up on the boards.

I know there were times I went through difficulties with my ex and have gone down to my mate's houses and blurted everything out, onl to find that when we had made up and got things back on track I kind of regretted letting so much out. Probably made me a little defensive when those people who'd been my support made comment or asked how things were going later.

Of course this is pure speculation. Just relating it to my own experiences. End of the day what matters is that someone we were worried about seems to have got through it and we now have a new Dwellar in our midst. If someone is wondering, "am I the she?" well...if you did nothing with ill intent then follow that thought with "fuck it".

Hope you do stick around Tink *smiles* and BigV too.

Hey it's over 50 and and less than a month. You are still clueless. You are right. So what?


I'm done. I just wanted to talk to either BigV or Tink about this. I don't give a rat's ass what you have to say about that. Done.

This whole exchange just made 100% more sense to me.

Whyso Shawnee?

Shawnee has learned from the past. Shawnee will say no more. Shawnee will stop talking in 3rd person.

I just need to shut up. 'Nuff said.

Third Person does it all the time.

Third person thinks shawnee has incorrectly guessed at who the 'she' is.

lol

And Shawnee realized it doesn't matter, it's not her business, and she needs to shut the eff up.

That is all.:headbag:

I agree.
:)

I like your 3rd person!!

lol!!!

Do you know what? I am inspired to shut up too.....

oh wait...do you guys think she, is me? I am no she!!! Really I sware!

It's not MY third person. I haven't the foggiest who it is, but I like it too. :)

Dana understands. Dana will also now stop talking in the third person. There that better?

A-HA! :lol2:

LJ knows whose it is, I bet.

Tink....oh Tink...wherefore art thou Tink?

I PM'd her. She's around cuz she answered. oooo.....51 posts!!

Gee this thread took on a life of it's own while I was asleep...

...and monster still hasn't bent over yet...

Working. Getting on with my life.

M~ thanks. Good luck with your test. If we are the same person, which I clearly know we are not, it must be one hell of an out of body experience. Post some better shit though will you? Get off of this crap.

DP~ I do not know your user name on the Cellar so hope this works. Otherwise I'd PM you. Thanks for the email you sent to V. He forwarded the text to me. Answers:
1) thanks
2) Don't know what statements you are talking about but thanks.
3) sounds like fun!
4) Feelings mutual. Don't know what you are apologizing for. :right: so don't need to really. But thanks. That meant a lot to V and by proxy, me.

Someone else called V yesterday and asked to pass on a message. Thanks. Don't remember your user name and I apologize for that.

Ok, back to work.

I did, you missed it -when it went dark and you thought it was night so went to sleep -that was my arse blocking the sun.

flaps!