Single again......
 

So I don't know if you all remember me since it's been a while since I've been on. But after all the drama at my job ended which has been a few months now. Well I never told my wife about all that happened because I didn't think I should because I didn't want her to doubt me specially since nothing happened and I didn't lose my job over that craziness. Well for the last week or so she had been acting kinda of distant and strange and last night I came home from work to find her pretty drunk and crying in the living room oh and two suitcases packed. I thought that someone in our family had passed or something and I thought she packed already so we could so I guessed. But it turns out that she had been having an affair for the last couple of months and last night she decided to clear her concience of it all and come clean about it. And after she tells me she put down the glass of wine practically ran out to her car with the bags and left. WTF!!!! Anybody else ever had this happen? I've never been cheated on...that I know of at least. And this so surprising to me. Here I thought all was well. Like it still hasn't even clicked that she's gone. I'm like in denial about it all......I need someone to talk to. I don't want to break it to my family yet or speak about it to anyone close. Do I just accept this? Do I fight? I still love her more than I could ever say. But I keep picturing her with just like random men. I couldn't even go to work today cause I got absolutely plastered last night cause I just couldn't sleep.

holy shit.

Shine a light, that's horrible. I don't know what to say really. I am not sure there is a 'right' or 'wrong' way to handle this. But I don't see you've much choice but to accept it at the moment. At least for now.

That sucks. It sounds like she has been mentally apart for some time. You should look into counseling. No matter where this goes from here you'll want to talk it out.

I know this is so fucked up. Specially after doing the best I could to be faithful and a be a good husband and friend and all that. And then bam! I feel like such a dumbass. I just keep asking myself how I didn't notice her change. She just hid it so well. But the worst is that she won't answer my emails or texts or phone calls. I have no way of communicating with her it's so damn frustrating. I can't get any answers or an explenation. Nothing!! I was down and depressed as hell last night. But now I'm just down right pissed. And as far as counceling goes I'm all for it. I'll fo anything. But it's just scary. I don't think I could ever truly trust her again. Right now I can't even stop imaginig her fucking some other man. It's all I can think about. This is so fucked up.

seems like a big kharmatic whammy.

I wouldn't be so pissed if I had cheated. But I didn't have the balls to. I even turned to total strangers to talk about it. And I didn't do it. Now I wish I would have. Fuck it all.

should have banged her sister.....

you got her number?

She's an only child. I should fuck her best friend since she's at least talking to me. But she won't tell me where she is. Only that she's ok and that she's staying with a "friend". Yeah I'm sure it's just a friend. What a load of shit.

Am I the only one that's up on the cellar right now? You know what the hell I'm about to go to the 2010 nsfw and post a picture. After all it's not like she would care anymore anyways right? Fuck it. I've had enough black label stop a train. Ahh thank the good lord for booze to make you forget everything for a few hours life is good right now. To hell with her. Best friend said she will come over tomorrow to stay with. Will most definitely do all in my power to insert my penis into her vagina!!!!!!

I'm really truly sorry about your troubles, Guy... but I totally lol'ed.

I am sorry for your trouble ThatGuy. I don't think doing it with the best friend will make anyone feel better. It's just more trouble. You may feel like it is a good come-back right now, but you will hold regrets later. It simply won't fix it.

You're probably still sitting in shock. Try not to fuck up while shocked or you'll just have another thing to be shocked about later. Then it will be double-suck.

I know you feel the alcohol is helping to numb your pain, but if you behave foolishly while under the influence, you might want to back away from the heavy drinking. Going to bed with her best friend is a very bad idea. I'm sorry that your wife is refusing all communication. That is very difficult. Do you have a male friend you could talk to?

If you really want to work things out with the wife, then revenge sex is the worst idea. Even if you don't want to work things out with the wife, it is still a bad idea. I think its a bad idea for you to have the best friend stay over at all, in your current state you don't need to put yourself in a risky situation. You should take the high-road, you didn't cheat before and that is admirable, you should keep that integrity. It hasn't been long since your wife left, once y'all have both cooled your heels some, you might be able to rebuild the relationship. If you lose your integrity now and fuck the best friend, or even try to do so, there will be even less hope of you getting back with your wife. If you really love your wife, now is the time to prove it.

I have been on both sides of the coin in this situation. Let me re-phrase that....I've never been the cheater but I've been cheated on and I've been used by a 'friend' when his wife divorced him for another. Both instances were very painful for me. It is never a good idea to drag another person into your drama even for a moment of passion. The best thing you can do right now is try to focus on yourself and if you want to save your marriage it is best to let her come to the realization that she needs you. Begging and pleading with her to listen to reason will never work if that's what you intend to do by talking to her. Besides 9 times out of 10 she will say....'it's not you baby, it's all me!' Same line, different person!!

Well I think you all make valid points. And yes I do need to lay off the booze for a bit. I am at work right now and I'm absolutely miserable I'm so hungover. I did actually have her best friend come over last night and she is a mutual friend so me and her are peoples and nothing happened. I couldn't do that to her. She isn't the one that hurt me so I didn't want to hurt her by using her to get back at my wife. It just wouldn't solve anything just make things worse. She talked to me all night and she finally told me about where she is staying and she is staying with her and her bf. She just didn't want to tell me because she was afraid I would come over to find her and make a scene at her place. But I won't be doing that as much as I really want to. I just want some clarity. Anything really. I'm sick of making up what happened in my head. I need to know what happened excatly for our marriage to fail and why. I just don't get it. I'm a good looking guy I'm financial stable with a good career. We would have sex just about everyday and I'm pretty sure she was enjoying it. I will admit I'm not the best listener and I have my faults but I always tried to do my best and always encouraged her to let me know if I needed to do anything to improve so we could be happy and we had good communication. So I just don't know where this all came from. Her friend wouldn't spill the beans about who the guy is. But she said that my wife is no longer seeing him. She said that my wife is trying to figure out what she wants now. Wether she still wants to be married to me or not. And it's shitty because it sounds like I have no say in the matter. It's up to her and I can't do a damn thing about it. Well at least I got out of the house finally and I'm at work. Even though I can't think about anything but what's going on at home. I hate feeling like this. It's like I have been tossed out like I'm some trash or something. Thanks for the all the advice this is where I've done most of my venting really. I have to be a professional at work and I don't quite feel up to it to tell my parents that I might be getting divorced again. I'm not even 30 yet and Iigjy be divorced for the second time soon. I really beloved we would make it and be together for the long run we were even talking about kids. WTF!!! And now I'm pissed again. Ahhhhh!!!!

Hey, ThatGuy! Well done for treating your friend/wife's best friend like a true friend. She's in a difficult position, and I commend you for not using her to get back at your wife, and for respecting her space and not going round to have it out with your wife.
I don't have any helpful advice. I do remember how painful it was being dumped by my then fiance, who'd apparently been working up to it for months, and deceiving me increasingly about his feelings over that time. My reaction was that if he'd made that decision then I'd never be able to change his mind, and if he'd made that decision without my input then I didn't want him back, no matter how much it hurt to lose him. It hurt more than anything I'd ever experienced but I was determined to get over it. And I did, by waiting it out.

Unfortunately, I have some very painful experience relative to this as well. I think many of us do.

The best advice I can give you is to be true to YOURSELF now and in the future. Don't get into doing anything out of revenge or to get back at her or while under the influence....
Be you and you will think back and be happy about it later. No matter what the outcome with your wife.

Live up to your own standards, no matter what she has done or will do.

You didn't have any kids with her, so... you actually have no reason to dwell on this. Sorry to sound harsh, but there is no reason you can't just walk away from this whole thing like it never happened. Forget her, literally. And move on.

Well there's the division of assets and all the shared memories to get past as well. Kids are definitely not the only reason to reconsider breaking up a relationship, although the lack of them certainly means one less huge obstacle.

TG, I have no new advice to add to what's already been given other than to say that it's true that most of us have been dumped at some stage and we know it hurts, regardless of the reason. It seems to me that if your wife did cheat and you were thinking about cheating, there might have been more problems prior to this break up than you're really admitting to yourself right now which is understandable. Give yourself some time to get past the initial shock and then maybe some reflection might give you the answers you can't find now.

Good luck with it all.

You don't want her back. No you don't.
You can track her down and kill her, then you'll have plenty of sex... with Bubba, your cellmate.
Or, you can live happily ever after.
Your choice.

Embarrassed about telling friends and family? Why, afraid they'll think you're not man enough to keep a woman. Best get over that shit, that's just stupid. You didn't do everything right, and I'm sure she didn't either. There's a million reasons marriages don't work. Best to accept that and move on. Like they say, the best revenge is living well.

You all make valid points and i thank you for this. yes we were going through a rought patch earlier right before i had all that stuff going on at work. And while all that was happening it made have a deeper love for her and it made me appreciate her more. But i guess she didnt have that happen to her. So it just kept getting worse for her and she was able to hide that well. i still havent been able to talk her but i have been talking to her/our friend and she has really helped me out tremendously and she has been there for me and i have thanked her countless times and i was even honest to her about what my intentions were when i had asked her to come over and she was glad that i was honest about it and that i made the right decision by not doing something stupid like. And you are flint about the kids. It does make this process a little simpler i guess. this will not be my first divorce and guess i was just fooling myself into thinking that i could change her mind. But her best friend has told me that she had been mowing this over for quite some time now but she just didnt know how to tell me without hurting me. I too have been on the other side of this kind of situaton and there really isnt a nice way of telling someone who loves you that you dont love them back and that you want your relationship to be over. I just never thought it would be me who gets told this you know. But she is 100% sure from what i was told by our friend that she doesnt want to try any counseling or to talk about it she just wants it done. So i let her friend know to tell her to file and do all the necessary paperwork because she wants this to be over and i believe she should fork out the cash for all this since it is her decision i know how expensive it is and dont feel like it shoul dbe my responsibility this time. Only thing that we have together is the house and she can have that i dont want anything to do with that home. I make a considerable amount of money and i already working on getting my own place because i am sick of seeing all the pictures and all of her stuff here its driving me nuts. And i am not over it and probably wont be for quite some time to come but i must deal with it and thats what i am doing. I am just taking it one day at a time and going at this head on. i told my parents last night and of course i said i was a mamas boy so my mom hates her now which i guess that doesnt really matter. And Bruce i like that last sentence in your post about the best revenge is living well. i will do my best to just be me and do what i have been doing.Thank you all this has really helped out some. But i am not quite ready to put down the booze i will just be more of an adult with it though. I even deleted her number from my phone so i dont do any stupid drunk texting or calling.

Good start!
No drunk texting or calling is a good idea too. Now drunk posting on teh Cellar . . .
well thats another story.

Guy, good for you man for handling this in such a rational way. Well done. It can be an ass-kicking pain for a while, but it's really for the best and you'll come out stronger.

Yeah that would be bad classic. And i almost did do some drunk posting the other night i was gonna put up a picture in the 2010 NSFW thread i figured ahh what the hell. Yeah its not getting any easier at all toad but hey its not like i got a choice right?

OH no, you misunderstand - drunk posting is a virtual requirement

Especially in the RFN NSFW thread ;)!

I don't think ou're allowed to be a real member of teh Cellah family until you've drunk posted at least once. (Unless you're one of our sober members, then you're exempt)

yeh - if you admit to drinking, you sorta gotta - wait . . . nevermind.

I think you should fight her for custody of the paragraph breaks. Did she pack the enter key when she left?

You are right ThatGuy. Don't get too close to the phone. (Once I hid my phone from myself knowing I would forget where I put it) You are probably still in shock. They are right, as you don't have any kids together there is nothing preventing you from moving on at all. All of these rationalizations probably don't help with the utter pain you are going through. That sucks. That hurts. Ow!

Removing yourself to a new situation if you have that advantage is a great idea. Go make new memories.

Berating her doesn't even help. She wasn't ready for a great relationship obviously. Go through your shock, grief, and pain. Vent if you want to. But don't blame this on yourself. Don't make the mistake of trying to rationalize her behavior and dwelling. It won't make since because it doesn't. Move on when you can. I suck at relationships. I am the worst. But I can tell you for damned sure that at times, when we try to rationalize the insanity of petty human behavior we are fall deeper into it (sheer insanity). Don't blame anyone just walk off.

Well, try not to get drunk anymore. It just adds to the depression. Go out on a date. You need companionship. Got an old girlfriend or acquaintance you can hang out with?

You should probably decide if you want her back or not. If you don't, then move on. The sooner the better. If you do, well... then you have a problem because she has to feel the same way.

Well, whatever happens, I wish you the best.

Paragraph breaks would be nice. When I see TG's posts my eyes start to cross. :3_eyes:

Sorry about there being no paragraph breaks lol. I just started typing and this juts keeps coming to my head. I'm talking to myself and typing and forget. But i cant do the whole dating thing just yet. I am not ready for it yet. Saturday night went out with the boys and had a few beers at a bar/nightclub it was cool meeting other women but besides conversation im not good for anything else i just cant do it yet....I'm being a bit of a puss i know.

But two great things came from this weekend though. I did get myself a sweet condo on friday/saturday and called up her friend so she could let her know that i am all done with that house and all my stuff is gone so she can go home i left my key underneath the front door mat and told her to change the code on the garage door so she would feel safe that i would not be able to get in at all in case thats what she was worried about..........and i finally ditched my SUV(baby car) and got me a sonic blue 04 cobra!!!!!!!! Which i have always wanted. To hell with her i will have my new baby to keep me company.

Wow - lotta activity there Guy. Don't sweat the dating thing. Take your time and relax. There is NO rush.

Just be careful drivin that new car of yours

Good for you TG! Keep moving forwards ... the new car sounds like a babe magnet (when you're ready for that ...) ;)!

Yeah, TG. Don't sweat the dating scene until you are ready. You know what they say about rebound relationships. ;)

It sounds like you are taking some positive steps. A new condo, a new car - moving toward a new life. Good for you!

Congrats TG! I'm proud to see you are moving forward and doing some things to make yourself happy. I agree with everyone else who has said not to rush the dating thing...never a good idea jumping from the frying pan into the fire!

Besides, sometimes it's wonderful to just have a night out with the guys/girls. Despite what people believe, it's not always a 'fishing trip for the opposite sex.' Sometimes, it's just a night out with no expectations for sex, just a good night out to let your hair down and relax. So all that being said, enjoy the hell out of yourself and be careful out there. The dating scene is a true war zone now days anyway!!

Well, it's certainly an accepted practice. Otherwise we'd never hear from Lumberjim.:cool:

don't capitalize it...it's looks wrong.

you, as my biggest fan, should know this.

:lol:

at least no-one calls you Lummie....

Which reminds me of the Scots blessing "Lang may yer lum reek!" ...

I just have to interject and agree to not rushing the dating thing.

Not to hijack the thread, but my experience: The last guy I was with rushed it and became completely attached over night. It was supposed to be a one night stand/friends with benefits thing that we BOTH agreed on in the beginning. He kept trying to take it further and have a regular relationship with me. Since I kept saying no, he got passive-aggressive and tried controlling me through threats, insults and apologizes. Our friendship deteriorated so bad that I had to basically stop being his friend. I also had to block him from my phone because he just wouldn't leave me alone.

I think it was due to the fact that he never gave himself enough time to get over what was going on. He couldn't handle being alone and wasn't trying to get used to it.

That is probably the hardest thing, but you need to be able to be comfortable being with just yourself before trying to date. That way, you won't need to be with the other person 24/7.

You love it Monnie.

I agree 100%. Before I met Capnhowdy, I was single for almost 5 years and I learned to 'date' myself. (already folks, not just the dirty kind of self dating. HAHA) But I would make a time for myself, get dressed up and go out to eat at my favorite resturant or movie. I even got brave enough to go to some musical events by myself and found I actually enjoyed myself. Being alone at some of the events gave me the opportunity to meet new people without worrying about neglecting a date.

In fact, it was at one of my 'self dates' when I met Capnhowdy by chance and the rest is history!!

Hey TG. I've been there. I'm still recovering from my ex running away with another man while I was in the hospital. It's hard, but everyday it gets a little easier.

I highly recommend you not try to contact her & avoid any place you might run into her at.

AMEN Big Sarge!

TG, it's not too far back from me recanting my own trainwreck in this same corner of the cellar. However things are going for you, here's my words of advice: Take some time and figure out who you are today; if there isn't the "us" anymore in your life, get to know the "me" again (cut the snickering, I'm being sincere.) Find something to do with your time, capitalize on all of that emotional wreckage. My distraction was buying a bicycle and riding the crap out of it. (bonus, distracted myself quite a bit, and got into way better shape than I was, which did a lot for my confidence, which turned out to be good armor about trying to be rational about things rather than sitting around blaming myself for everything (yeah, could've done things differently, but at least it wasn't thoughts of "I deserved to be treated even worse than I was" 24/7)) It turns out if you go see a movie on your own, nobody around you cares, they're watching the movie. You go on a trip alone, nobody notices, they don't know you anyhow. Go to a restaurant alone, no big deal. If they make a comment while seating you, walk away if it bugs you. (preferably before ordering/being served.)

All I'm saying is find yourself again. Or meet yourself as you are today.

Great advice here, TG, from dis.