funny things kids say
 

Spencer is a hoot.

I've got a few of these, but i'll just give you my favorite for now:

One evening right before bed time, spencer and I are playing with clay. I'm sculpting clay vegetables, and he' smaking clay coins to buy from me. ( he was 4 at the time). So, this goes on for a while, and I get a little tired of it. plus, it is now bed time. So i say," ok, Spence, lets clean up and get ready for bed."
"wait, I still have some coins left."

"well, I'm done....lets go" and i'm putting the clay away. "hand me that blue clay"...

"no, just a little more!"

"cmon, spence...it's bed time. Give me the clay."

and he says,......."Fine, here ya go, ya little prick!" .....and goes all round shouldered and stomps off...

I almost peed in my pants......

where did he get that?!....I certainly never called HIM a "little prick"

a few days later, my

cat is screaming, and i say," Quiet, ya little prick!"


....there it was.......

When my daughter was finishing up kindergarten, we had signed her up for a day camp for the summer. Of course there was a ton of paperwork, and one of the items was a list of camp rules parents were supposed to go overwith the kids. So I dutifully went over all the usual stuff about listening to the teachers etc. etc., including, "Swearing will not be tolerated."

"Dad, what does swearing mean?"

"Umm.. swearing is when you say bad words you're not supposed to say."

"Oh. [pause] Well I guess that means swear-word fingers too."

And she stuck out the middle finger on her right hand and pointed it straight at me.

I couldn't decide whether to laugh, or explain that tradition calls for "the finger" to be presented vertically rather than horizontally.

      My six year old daughter is going through this phase where she feels the need to make every bed in the house. I'm sitting here on my computer, in my room she comes in and makes the bed. She then says, "Well the bed is made. If anyone messes it up they will be beaten." And gives me a stern look, then grins at me to let me know she's joking.
      When she was three, almost four, she climbed up in my lap and was resting her head on my chest. Now understand, I've got hair on my chest that lays flat instead of being curly, also I wasn't wearing a shirt at the time. So anyway, she starts petting my chest like I'm a dog or something and says, "Daddy, you got fur." While I'm reeling from this announcement her mom walks in, she hops down walks over and pulls the bottom of her moms shirt out to check for body hair. She then did this to everyone that entered the house, man,woman or child, for days. (yes even after getting in trouble for it) It went on untill a friend of mine with some hair on his chest was came by and she discovered chest hair was not, in fact, unique to her dad. Though she has since informed us that he has hair on his chest, not fur like her daddy.

Is your daughter a Virgo, Whit?

I'm amused by this story, possibly because I've been getting too little sleep, but I found myself wondering ...

Many young children have childhood desires to become cowboys or astronauts or ballerinas or firefighters or garbagemen ... I think your daughter may be the first child I've encountered that wants to be hotel housekeeping staff.

(of course, she could be practicing to be a nurse too. Nurses make DAMN good money now that there's a shortage)

      Capricorn actually. I don't know what she wants to be when she grows up, or if she's ever thought about it. Her aunt did recently tell me that my daughter said that when she grows up she wants to "have big boobs and a hairy chest."

That begs the question - do you also have manboobs?

my former assistant had a nephew that was a good supply of hilarity. He's the same age as spencer (just turned 5) and one day his dad gave him a dollar bill. Anthony looks up at him and says,"thanks,dad, but could I have 100 dollars?" His dad says,"Anthony, what are you going to do with a hundred dollars?"
Anthony says," Dad, what am I going to do with ONE dollar?!"

My three year old walked into my bedroom one day when my bed had just been stripped and the sheets were still on the floor.
"Dad, why the sheets on floor?"
"They are dirty and need to be washed."
"Somebody pee them?"
"No, they just get dirty from sleeping in them."
"On the floor?!?"

The surprise and puzzlement in his voice just killed me.

I wasn't there for this, the story was related to me. But I found it funny.

You know those webpages designed to startle the viewer by presenting an ordinary photograph and prompting the viewer to carefully examine it for some hidden detail, then about 30-40 seconds into viewing, the picture suddenly changes to a scary face with an associated screaming sound? Scares the shit out of most people the first time they see it.

Some sick bastard awhile back did that with some scanned "Where's Waldo" images. So this fellow and his 4-5 year old kid were on the site, the kid was merrily searching for Waldo, and the transition flashed on the screen and wailed from the speakers. The kid turned, terror-struck, to clutch his father. After a couple minutes he asked through sobs, "Daddy, why do people DO things like that?"

Good times.



I know I'm going to Hell, but that story made me laugh my ass off. I do not condone the terrifying of children.

The whole family got a big laugh this past Thanksgiving when we were outside lounging after lunch.

We were all outside just relaxing and talking, and the next-door neighbor stopped by to visit. (Mary, 30ish year old woman, well endowed). She was talking for a bit, polite conversation, when...

My 5 year old nephew comes running outside and says, "Mary! Can I play with your titties?!"

"umm... what's that dear?"

"Can I play with your titties please??!"

We all stand there in shock for a minute, when my nephew starts pointing into Mary's window and says, "Titties!!"

That's when we look and notice that he was pointing to young kittens sitting in the window. We all just about fell over when we realized that he wanted to play with her kitties.

These stories are killing me. I haven't had a laugh that good in a long time. I love the titties story. :)

At age 3, my daughter wanted to be a garbage truck for Halloween. Not a garbage truck DRIVER. A garbage truck.

      Nope, no manboobs. Not even close. Most of the women on my daughters mothers side of the family are quite heavily endowed though. The girl has just spent to much time around them.

      Now one from the boy. We were driving along and I reach over and pop the ten year old in the back of the head. Not hard enough to hurt, just enough to get his attention. So anyway, he goes, "What was that for?!?"
      I arch my eybrow at him and say, "You know what you and your friends were doing the other day and even laughed about how no adult would catch you doing it? It was for that."
      His eyes went straight to the road, and he got very quiet. After a few moments he finally asked, "You don't really know if we did anything," long pause, "do you?"
      I smile at him and say, "No, I don't know what you did, but I'm sure you deserved it."
      He considered my words for all of about three seconds and responds, "Fair enough."

My dear aunt and uncle have passed their childbearing years (well, she has), but they love children. They decided to start doing respite foster care earlier this year (they only get the kids two weekends a month, to relieve the real foster parents). They take care of 3 siblings; two girls 9 and 11, and a 7 year-old boy. The kids are troubled, but very cute and a lot of fun. I've heard especially funny stories about the little boy.

One day, the boy was in the living room with my uncle. The girls were in a nearby room playing and making a racket. The boy scolded them, "You better quiet down! I have an adult in here, and I'm not afraid to use him!"

My son informed me over the weekend that he'd like to have Steve, the host of Blue's Clues, for his dad.