This girl had on a tube top that said, 'Hottie.' I was thinking, 'This bitch has a good sense of humor.' 'Sweaty' might have been a better word. I don't know how big she was, but she had on a tube top, and those little hip huggers -- looked like a can of biscuits had popped open.

I think that joke needs a bit more work.

Well, it needs to be heard, not read.

Plus:

I copy/pasted it from a joke site that may, or may not use English as it's first language.

All ya need is the visual anyway. Grammatical perfection was not the aim at any point in the manufacture of that joke, I don't believe.

But, you are correct.

What's better than roses on YOUR piano?

Tulips on YOUR organ.


For Christ's sake, the words matter.

Maybe Sheldon wrote that joke.

Maybe you're looking at it from the wrong point of view.

Maybe any ol' organ will do.

:D

You won't know till she takes her face off... :lol:

Heheh, he's fingering his organ.:devil:

I thought I put this up, already.

Apologies if I did.

Attachment 58833

awesome. needed that tonight.

Just one minute of your time you won't regret, or your money back.

Completely worthwhile. And. I sneeze like that, with the power of the second and the direction of the first.

So...that's not tinsel on your tree, then?

I thought it was tinsel, but, it's not.

... but it' snot. :facepalm:

Groan

WSS

Ha Ha Ha, a friend says the same thing about his tools and stuff he added to his cars. :lol2:

OUCH on the tools! ;) That'd absolutely suck. That being said, I'm super glad my sweetie knows which of my books are autographed, rare, old, etc. The thought of my Brian-Froud-autographed Dark Crystal graphic novel bought new in 1982 (autographed in the late 90s) going for a quarter at a rummage sale can really get me riled up.

...and just for grins...this one's scary-old and still so true...

That guy's tool problem is plane to see.

It might be worth more than a quarter, but only if you can find the right buyer. And consider if those buyers are going to be unloading their own collections at the time he's trying to sell it.

Consider the value of beanie babies today. Collectibles markets can be a funny thing.

[/says the guy who just had to unload his cousin's lifelong stamp collection]

What glatt said. My 100+ different Beer can collection is worth about a quarter of what it was 20 years ago. :(

I wonder if my 113 different Red Dog beer bottle caps are worth anything?

I wouldn't take less than four blue Skittles for them.

eh hem I see I screwed up there. It should say 1000+ unique cans.
I also have a few bottles, signs etc.

For years Dr. Benson had left his office and gone to Teddy's Bar where Teddy would fix him a daiquiri laced with crushed pecans. One day, however, Teddy ran out of pecans so he substituted with hickory nuts. Dr. Benson sat down and took a sip under Teddy's watchful eyes. He frowned. "Say, Teddy, this isn't an almond daiquiri. Just what is it?"


"I can't lie to ya" Teddy said. "It's hickory daiquiri, Doc".

..the mouse ran up the clock

Shoot, I got the wrong thread again

Two matronly sisters lived together and managed a farm. For years both had an extreme fear of thunder storms and lightning.

One day one of the sisters was visiting a neighbor, and while walking home was caught in a severe thunder storm. Lightning was streaking across the sky and thunder was booming all around. Being totally terrified, she ran to a nearby haystack and buried her head in the hay like an ostrich, so she could not see the lightning or hear the thunder.

With her head buried in the hay, her rear end was exposed, and the wind blew her dress up exposing the long unused part of her anatomy.

Along comes the local stud, and seeing the poor souls predicament, he did the only thing a well endowed stud would do in such a situation. After fully satisfying himself he zipped his pants and went on his merry way.

Soon the sister pulled her head out of the haystack and rushed home, calling to her sister, "Sissy, Sissy, let me tell you something! If you ever get struck by lightning, you'll never be afraid again!!"

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in..." she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says "Put your whole hand in!" The guy's like "OK!" So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!! So the guy puts both of his hands in!
"Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't" says the guy.
The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!"

So, a mushroom walks into a bar, everyone goes quiet and the bartender stops wiping the glass he had in hand.

There's an uncomfortable pause and then the bartender speaks up, "Hey, we don't serve your kind here".

The mushroom just shrugs and says, "But, I'm a fun guy."




--works better with oral recitation.

:D

That was THE joke when I was in high school. Like, it got told every day. And then we were told we had to stop, not because it was annoying, but because it was not a good idea to throw around the phrase "we don't serve your kind here."

I'd only heard that as "Why did the mushroom have so many dates?"

Umm, I don't get it. Being raped is worse than thunder and lightning?

Humor is difficult for you, isn't it?

We all have our cross to bear.

Fortunately, 40 years ago we weren't burdened with second guessing our every utterance beyond intent.

45 years ago I have two mechanics working for me. The black mechanic stuck with me all the time, a good worker, and told me stories about being in the military and in Oregon he could buy a pair of shoes but couldn't try them on in the store. The white mechanic would sneak off at the slightest pretense to indulge his wood carving hobby.

One day The black mechanic and I were discussing the white mechanic, and I said he's a real nigger. The guys head spun around about three times then stopped and looked at me. Finally he said, well at least you know what it is. We were fast friends after that. ;)

Black or whit, men will always be trying to figure out women. :lol2:

I have seen that situation exact.

With murdersickles, and car/truck/tractor/lawn mower engines...

This could be wishful thinking...

Oh yeah, ♪ If I could, I surely would ♫

Without humor, it is impossible to live!)) Very bad when a person has no sense of humor))

No sense of humor makes life a living hell.

Q: What's E.T. short for?















A: His legs aren't very long.


:bolt:

Q: what does a blonde think of?
A:

tarheel

Wait.

WAIT.

WAIT.

They think?

true...

Are you *trying* to inflame JBKlyde?

A man walks into a bar and yells all lawyers are assholes! A man in the corner says I take offense at that statement. The first said why are you a lawyer? The second said no I am an asshole.

tarheel

BOB'S LAST LETTER
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation...
When I got laid off from my consulting job and took early retirement in April, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for health benefits that we need. It was shortly after she started working that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she finally does get supper on the table. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper.
I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.
Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it.
Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace..
Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean...
When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.
Signed, Bob

Fat boy...

You will never look at Patrick Stewart the same way...

Epitaphs of Key West Cemetery

"I told you I was sick"

"I'm just resting my eyes"

“good citizen”

“devoted fan of Julio Iglesias”

"the best flan maker"

"If you're reading this, you desperately need a hobby"

"I'll always remember my so-called friends"

"I always dreamed of owning a small place in Key West"

"Jesus Christ, These People Are Horrible"

“Sloppy”

Statue of naked women with her hands tied behind her back

I always thought of the man as reasonably intelligent, but, if you don't know whether you're circumcised...:right:

Hilarious, though.

A bumper sticker for LJ...

Monster knows, but doesn't share it with the kids. :haha: