Sluggo knows...

I heard an interview with Fogerty and he said he always messes with the lyrics, a la "There's a bathroom on the right."

The Queen...

Hahahahah. Simple but effective

I phone people up to do satisfaction surveys wit them. Some ofthe names are quite amusing.

Yesterday i had to call someone with the surname 'Sithole' Given the foreign forename, i sspect it should be pronouned sith- olay. Alas they didn't answer. My colleague was disappointed, she was hoping I'd have to try.

I want to know where I can get this font. :cool:

Nope, not bees...

Cbol

Yearbook...

.

Wouldn't need a match to see what I'd have done.

You woulda smelled it.

"Just run like hell, reach behind you and keep throwing!"

"Keep throwing what?"

"Don't worry, it'll be there."

This is matchbook cover from an apparently posh nightclub in the 1930s.
But if it's so classy, why are they having watermelon? ;)

Peace at last, peace at last, thank God almighty, peace at last. :rolleyes:

Ladies, don't let your husband loose in the market. :headshake

Hello snowflake...

My hero!

I concur.

Yum...

After Johnny died, he approached St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter asked "What, in your opinion, was your most noble deed?" "Uh, well, I saw some huge bikers harassing people outside a bar once, so I went up to the biggest, baddest guy and ripped out his nose ring." Impressed, St. Peter asked, "Well, when was all this?" "Oh, about 5 minutes ago."

Attachment 57129

Attachment 57130

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?













Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

Staid old England...

What do you do if your bassist is drowning?





















Throw him his amp.

Why do IT folks get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?

I dunno. Why?

Because

OCT 31 == DEC 25

Strip club...

excellent!

Knock knock









Then you say, who's there?





Then I say, broken pencil.

C'mon, then you say, broken pencil who?

Broken pencil who?

Ah... There's no point....?

:rimshot:

Your knock-knock jokes suck!

:lol2:

Here ya go tarheel

A man goes to a house of sin. The madam said all the girls are taken for the night. All we have left is a big chicken. A big chicken the man says, well if that is all you have. He goes in a big room surrounded by mirrors. Even the ceiling. He takes his clothes off and the big chicken is brought in and they get it on.
He comes back next week and says I want a room with the big chicken. The madam says the big chicken is not here tonight and all the girls are busy. Come to this room and have a drink until a girl is ready. The room is dark and there is a bar with a fellow staring through a glass. The man sits and through the glass is a man in a big room getting it on with 3 women. He says to the other patron that this is pretty good and the guy said, you think this is good. You should have been here last week. There was a guy in there with a big chicken.

tarheel

Even though I can't see the other jokes as this thread is blank on my screen I shall endeavor to bring y'all a sophisticated joke.

A waiter picked up a bowl of soup for a customer. The customer said hey why do you have your thumb in my bowl of soup? Waiter said, I have arthritis in my thumb and the doctor told me to keep my thumb in a warm moist spot. Customer says why don't you stick it in your a$$. Waiter said Thats where it was before I picked up this bowl of soup.

tarheel

That blank screen thing happens to me on Tapatalk in this thread too. Swipe the screen sideways to the right, and it will go back a page, swipe it back, and the posts show

Ooh, I'll have to try that one--happens to a handful of other threads, but always this one. The workaround I found was to go back to the thread list, choose "Jump to First Post" instead, then scroll down and choose the "last page" navigation arrow.

...

I laughed.

A man from Texas and a lady from New Jersey were talking in a bar. They discussed the usual things about which state had the most of like roads, parks, bars etc. The lady finally said, how big is your pecker?
Texan said, five inches. Lady was like what? My husband in NJ has five inches. Texan says, wide?

tarheel

I can fill a tuna can.

How do you know?

:D

One thing I know for sure about President The Donald, he won't be using Teddy Roosevelt's "speak softly, and carry a big stick" plan...

...Trump's mouth is too big, and his hands are too small.

The very definition of 'trust':

Two cannibals giving each other blowjobs.

A rapist, a narcissist, and a bigot walk into a bar and the bartender says, "What can I get for you, Mr. President?"

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section.
Gerry says to Paddy "Dat's dem". The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere" says Gerry "Put dem in a peeper bag". The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. "Oh, yeh, dis looks good" replies Paddy.
They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me!"
A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis". Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says "An' oim never troyin' dat parrot shootin' nider!"
A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself of the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and now you blimmin' hen gliding!"

The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven.

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."

St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."

St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.

St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."

God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)

Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?"

God and St. Peter explain the situation.

Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."

Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.

Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"

Three men in a raft. A preacher, doctor and a lawyer. They sight land and try as they might can't hand paddle closer to the beach. Someone has to swim for help. Preacher couldn't go, might have to administer last rites. Doctor said he might have to save a life. Lawyer said no problem and started swimming for shore. A great white shark started trailing the lawyer. The doctor and preacher started hollering. The lawyer turned his head as the great white came beside him laying his hand on a fin and then towed to shore. When the doctor and preacher were brought back to land by the coast guard they met with the lawyer. " Man we thought you was gone when that shark swam to you. Then it just towed you to land," said the preacher. The lawyer said, " no problem it was just professional courtesy. "

tarheel