There are three mums. A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.
They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed!"
They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake ID in my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one".
So they all comfort her. Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"

Walk right in, sit right down, Baby let your mind roll out. No, no. http://cellar.org/2012/nono.gif

"If the man of the house is already home, be sure he has a sammich. This way, you won't be thinking about making him a sammich while you are sewing."

Bones...

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:D

All you need is brass. Brass is all you need.

I wonder if that was the same chap who got a Viagra tablet stuck in his throat?

He had a stiff neck for three weeks.

Two mathematicians were having dinner. One was complaining: ‘The average person is a mathematical idiot. People cannot do arithmetic correctly, cannot balance a checkbook, cannot calculate a tip, cannot do percents, …’ The other mathematician disagreed: ‘You’re exaggerating. People know all the math they need to know.’

Later in the dinner the complainer went to the men’s room. The other mathematician beckoned the waitress to his table and said, ‘The next time you come past our table, I am going to stop you and ask you a question. No matter what I say, I want you to answer by saying “x squared.”‘ She agreed.

When the other mathematician returned, his companion said, ‘I’m tired of your complaining. I’m going to stop the next person who passes our table and ask him or her an elementary calculus question, and I bet the person can solve it.’ Soon the waitress came by and he asked: ‘Excuse me, Miss, but can you tell me what the integral of 2x with respect to x is?’ The waitress replied: ‘x squared.’ The mathematician said, ‘See!’ His friend said, ‘Oh … I guess you were right.’ And the waitress said, ‘Plus a constant.’

HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa
HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa
HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa
HaHaHaHaHaHaHaYeahIdon'tgetitIhatemath.

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and then they laughed?

You wouldn't understand because you're the right woman . :p:

I shudder at the though...

A businessman in the first class cabin decided to talk to the drop dead, gorgeous flight attendant: “What’s your name?”

Flight Attendant: “Angela Benz, sir”

Businessman: “Lovely name … any relation to the Mercedes Benz folks?”

Flight Attendant: “Yes sir, very close”

Businessman: “How close?”

Flight Attendant: “Same price”

Star Wars

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat a lot of rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."


So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the sales lady asked if he needed any help.



He said,"Do you have any rye bread?"


She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."

The sales lady said, "My goodness... five loaves? By the time you get to the third loaf, it'll be hard."

The 80-year old man replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about thi=$$@#$ but me."

Humanities Final Exam...

Excellent.

Oldie with updates...

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Chris t as the late J.C..

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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Attachment 55126

WTF, is that a ferret?

It ought to be an otter.

A Little Help?
 

I don't get it...

Attachment 55240

It is prolly because it's the only way he'll get one.

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:lol2:

It says Rome, but it was in the newspaper from Sayre, PA, which is Slang's home turf.

Has anybody seen or heard from Slang?

Or Dave?

Dave? Dave's not here.

I had a friend's, cousin's, postman's, neighbor's, nephew, who took one marijuana and died. :yesnod:

On the other side of town, between the RR Depot and the docks...

he meant fucking him *again*, dude's already fucked.

This may have been posted already:

A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny fairy appeared on their table.
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment:
'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...
The husband became 92 years old.


The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female .....

100 Quotes On The Most Interesting Man In The World

Him or Chuck Norris

I told you so, I warned you about bunnies, but would you listen... Noooooo. http://cellar.org/2012/nono.gif

Ah ha...

Evel Cownievel...

A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?' The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. "Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side." Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting...

On April 1st, and these are only the ones I've stumbled on, there's probably more.

I was taking a shower the morning of April 1st, and my son dumped a cup of cold water over my head while I was in there. Because, April Fools!

I should show him this.

Heh heh heh...

Girls call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

Yes...

Brits are cleaning up their act.

I was working in a store where we had to take down customers' names to track their order and a pretty young woman came in at the end of the day when I was very tired and a bit punchy. Her name was Grewcock and I lost my shit.

The seething look on her face has stayed with me for decades.

Extra awkward because she turned out to be dating one of my coworkers the following year.

Amazing how some stuff will stay with you fro decades.

I bet it stayed with her for decades too.

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I got the distinct impression that it wasn't the first time.