I hope you don't find out you've stepped in dog poop til after you've put your feet up on your nice new sofa.

I hope you get the smaller piece of the wishbone.

I hope you decide it's okay to remove your own cannula and then it goes a gusher so the public toilet cubicle looks like The Red Wedding (except for the drummer from Coldplay) and you have to apologise and make lame excuses which sound more dishonest the more honest you are.

I hope you swallow a fly

...while giving bathroom bjs in a biker bar.

I hope you miss your exit

I hope your turkey is dry.

I hope you spill(ed) your pumpkin pie filling as you tried to maneuver the sucker into the oven.

I hope that when you started cooking it, you misunderstood, and prepared a turd ucken.

I hope you get it out of your system

I hope you ran out to pick up your woman's birthday present on Black fucking Friday.

I hope you're happy mister

I hope you feel like you're forgetting something ...

I hope you remember what it was, go into the next room to get it and forget again.

I hope you accidentally hit "End call" instead of turning off speaker phone after you've been on hold for 20 minutes.