SG - you're not a loser. You have made all these efforts to get yourself back on track. "You've come a long way baby";)

Glad things are on the up and up SG!
:)

Hey where's Deuce again? Deuce? Paging Deuce!!
How are ya?

If you look closely, you will see Deuce. Remember, Deuce stands for "two."

Hang in there sundae girl. There are so many parts of you that I wish I had.
Your wit and yer brains for one :)

I'm not dead yet. Be patient.

Now is a very bad time.

I want to die
 

Nope, not allowed, sorry.
Rules, you know. Once you click on accept, you're legally bound by the rules.

Rule 37b: After 150 posts and/or raising the concern of 3 or more Cellar Chicas, the party of the first part (you), is not allowed to bum out the party of the second part (us), by dieing.

I know I'm kind of late on this, but I'll put my two cents in anyway.

Having gone through depression, up and down, my whole life, I understand those feelings of hopelessness.

I can't say that I know how it feels to want to die so badly that you come thisclose to doing it, but I do know how it feels to want to just go to sleep and never wake up. I'm too much of a coward to commit suicide, in the first place, and too nosy in the second place. I'm positive that if I kill myself, something seriously cool will happen, and I'll miss it. *shrug*

I also understand how marriage problems can kick off depression. It's the closest relationship you have, one that's often, for better or worse (no pun intended), intertwined with your image of yourself, and whether we know, logically, that we shouldn't let it dictate how we feel about ourselves, often we can't help it.

I DO know how bad depression sucks, though. It's something you either make it through or you don't, and no one who hasn't been there can know how empty it feels.

Meds DO help, though, and so does talking it out. Sometimes just having someone to listen is all you need, and sometimes the other person can give you a different perspective.

I was told that I suffer from dysthymia (which means a lifelong low-grade depression--isn't THAT fun?) and, maybe Wolf knows what this is, because I've never heard of it-- Bipolar 2-- which, from what they tell me, means you don't get the highs. It's just lows, and your "manic" phase is just worse depression. They're actually combining meds right now to see what equals happy pills for me *shrug*.

I don't know if you're on meds, but sometimes just one doesn't work, and combining them does the trick.

But whatever you do, don't let yourself get isolated. When the only thing you have to do is think, sometimes your thoughts spiral so far down that you can't get out of them.

--And that's bad, mmmmmkaaay?

Ha ha, you humor is welcome, even though I can't feel it. Please accept my thanks.

Sorry about the post count overage. As to the heightened concern level of the cellar chicas, that has been purely incidental. There is but one cellar chica, a lurker, whose concern I cultivate. But I'm a damn poor cultivator. I feel more like a resource to be mined. Dug through, carved out, ground up, processed and once the useful bits have been extracted, discarded, preferably far away.

It is the worst time. It is the in between time. Too far forward to undo what's been done, but not close enough to surrender to cruel fate. Enough space to imagine, futilely, that escape is possible, when in reality, the maximum effect I can affect is to choose which side of the back of my neck meets the blade before the other. I am constrained.

Better late than never. I need all the help I can get.
This is precisely correct. A Big Part of who I am is Husband. Now, that is being taken away, and it is excruciatingly painful.
Yes. It is bad. I am that far down, a lot. Well, that I'm here typing this must mean that I haven't been that far down, since I'm obviously out/living. But drowning a foot from the surface and drowning a mile from the surface is just as agonizing.

I am alone.

There are some who care. I am thankful for them, and what they do for me. Sometimes, though, it feels hopeless. I still feel alone.

I originally stayed out of this thread at it's creation Deuce, because I was a little suspicious of a newb posting such heavy stuff...then others who are better trained/better with words said the things I felt better than I could have.

But I want you to know now that I have read this thread, and the post about imaginging what it would be like when they find you brought tears to my eyes. Literally. And I read this at work. The thought of my daughter living without a mother is the only thing that kept me from doing something really stupid, when I was where you were/are. I have posted randomly in various places about my depression, PM or Gabbly me anytime regarding this.

You aren't alone. Blood does not make family, only relatives. We are your family, here for you 24/7.

The same goes for you, Sundae, whom I was unaware was going through such a tough time. (That'll teach me to stay out of threads I'm scared of...) Though it sound like you are beginning to hit the upslide, and I am very happy for that.

Lookout, wow. I am sorry. My uncle committed suicide when I was 12 or so, though for many different reasons, and I saw (even through the limited eyes of a 12yo) how it leaves the family's heads spinning. I hope you and your friends were/are good support for one another. My father (his brother) did not get the help/support he needed, and now that I am older (wiser?) I see what it difference it could have made in his life trying to make sense of it.

:::hugs::: to all of you, especially those who are going through things similar who haven't posted here.

LR

Another Cicero anecdote:
I was at my usual coffee shop this morning, and a regular I talk to sometimes started talking about putting a gun to his head and pulling the trigger. I spent an hour talking him into going to a professional. What is my point you say?
There was a person sitting there the whole time listening to what we were saying, and he was annoyed that I was even talking. That indifferent....no words of encouragement for this man he knows...he was just annoyed that we were talking while he was on the internet.....Then I thought to myself: Buddy, if the world has become this indifferent, do it. I might join you.
Not that I'm suicidal or willing to do something like that- but jesus- what a fucking world.
I just don't goddamned get how I am the only person standing there with anything to say about it.
Hopefully the guy sitting there is still on the internet and lurks on the cellar so I can say after much thought.....
Go fuck yourself.....I'll tell you that personally when I'm sure to see you tomorrow morning.
It's people like you that makes this place so fucking dismal.

Why would that man want to kill himself? Gee guys I don't know...

why?





















































why am I still here?

Because things will improve, even if it doesn't feel like it's worth getting through this to find out
They will, and you will and one day this will be better

I'll come out and see you when they are
there - an incentive to stick around and find out!

V what you are going through is hard, very very hard
but it's not forever
it hurts like buggery now, but it WON'T hurt like this forever
people survive these things I promise
just keep breathing

for that one reason. you may not know what that reason is right now, but it will become apparent. right now that reason seems elusive, like a moving target, but you'll figure it out. then you'll find a second reason. then a third.

Noted.

Thank you.