The Cellar - Humor...I Need Humor...

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I keep waiting for a microwave freezer.

I need ice RFN!

This sketch, from 'At Last, the 1948 Show' starred Tim-Brooke Taylor, John Cleese, Marty Feldman and Graham Chapman.
It portrays the briefing of undercover police disguised as provocatively dressed women.
Its humour lies more in the highly unprofessional acting than the script itself.
There's fluffed lines, ad libbing, corpsing, impromptu prompts and general anarchy. The outbreak of female aggression by Marty Feldman's character is particularly inspired.
Despite its title, the series dates from the late nineteen sixties or early seventies, and technical quality is poor. However, I think you'll find it worth investing five minutes of your time.

Must be a German game.

Russian roulette the whole family can enjoy!

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide.
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide. Just get a divorce!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

I hear that's an in-phone after effect now.

Q: do you think quantum computing will revive Moore's law?

A: Quantum computing will put Moore's law in a box where it will be both dead and alive in the same time.

I am so guilty of that cartoon...
Although back when I only took about 24 photos a year (print photography) friends and family would say, "But there's none of YOU!" which I was quite happy about. Who would waste paying for a photo when you don't even like how you look?

Now I take 30+ a month and at least a quarter have me in them! Yay!

So it made me cringe a little, but I did laugh.

Attachment 52193

Now, say all those opposite words one after the other...

Gotcha!

:jig:

How smart am I if I knew where this was going when I saw a list of words?

he kind of smart that psychological bludgeoning gets you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by footfootfoot (Post 932167)

How smart am I if I knew where this was going when I saw a list of words?

Definitely smarter than a fifth grader.

So farmers are as bad at apostrophes as grocers?

I thought Bruce's post was gonna turn into Luke Bryan's "Rain Is A Good Thing" (<---BroCountry warning).

Quote:

Rain makes corn, corn makes whiskey
Whiskey makes my baby, feel a little frisky

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

You know what?, "says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say 'hell' and you say 'ass', O.K.?"
"O.K." the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"Aw, hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK!!
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your sweet ass it won't be Cheerios."

Reminds me of little johnny watching the carpenters working across the street:

LJ: Hey mom! Let's play carpenter!
Mom: OK
LJ: ALright, take this string and pull it all the way across the floor. Great, now move it left juuuuuust a cunt hair.
Mom: WHACK! I most certainly will not, you take this string and march right up to your room!
LJ: Fuck if I will. That's a laborer's job.

The animal kingdom:
•A: Those that belong to the emperor
•B: Embalmed ones
•C: Those that are trained
•D: Suckling pigs
•E: Sirens
•F: Fabulous ones
•G: Stray dogs
•H: Those that are included in this classification
•I: Those that tremble as if they are mad
•J: Innumerable ones
•K: Those finely drawn with a camel hair brush
•L: Et cetera
•M: Those who’ve just broken the flower vase
•N: Those which from a distance resemble flies

Have to check Monster's pantry. :haha:

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce (Post 932958)

Uh...Whut?

It's an easier way then all that Latin.

Abby makes me laugh.

In a changing world, it's nice to know that some things don't change.

However, there's no mention of nuns.

Quote:

Armed police swoop on suburban sex dungeon after noise complaints

Officers step in after a row boils over between a dominatrix and her neighbours over the sound of whipping

Armed police have swooped on a suburban sex dungeon after neighbours complained to police about the noise of whipping.

The resident - known as Mistress Evilyne - runs one of the UK's top sex parlours from her four-bedroom home on a leafy London street.

But now police have stepped-in after neighbours on the millionaires' row complained about the sounds of screams, whipping and spanking coming from the detached house.

Last week a neighbour called officers to report noise coming from the £750,000 home and cops were sent to deal with the complaint.

Staff at Knoll Orpington Lawn Tennis Club, situated just behind the Evilyne's home, have also complained about her activities.

Evilyne, of Orpington, Kent, fears that if there are too many complaints from residents she might be forced to close down.

She said: "My business is legal, I'm registered with HMRC and no sexual services are offered.

"People come to us with their fantasies, and we make them come true - anything from being put in a bath of baked beans to being forced to act like a dog.

"We are not loud and I don't know what the neighbours are complaining about.

"They think I'm running a brothel, and I'm not - maybe they should come for a visit to see for themselves.

"There is a lack of understanding about fetishes, and men generally keep it a secret from everyone in their life - maybe some of the wives around here are worried about their husbands."

Evilyne has lived in the detached home with her partner, who is also a dominatrix called Governess Ely, for the last two years.

The kinky 'Dungeon Manor' is well-hidden by the white façade and is also hired out to touring mistresses, as a convenient place to stay while visiting "slaves" in London.

But neighbours are fuming about the kinky goings-on at the house - which are completely legal.

One neighbour said: "It's ridiculous - there are children living here and all you can hear all day is 'slap slap scream' coming from the house.

"They ought to go and do it somewhere else."

Police confirmed that officers took a trip to the suburban sex dungeon after neighbours made a noise complaint.

But officers were satisfied that no crime had taken place and did not feel the need to handcuff the dominatrices.

A Met Police spokesman said: "We haven't made any arrests but there has been a call to the location in the last week. That was a noise complaint about filming that was going on."

Another resident, who asked not to be named, said: "We turned a blind eye for a while, but there is so many people coming there at all hours of day and night that we're worried for our own safety.

"The noise they make sometimes gets too much too. And there's always camera equipment coming in or leaving.

"You don't want your children growing up around a BDSM sex dungeon."

But Evilyne reckons that bondage is fast becoming all the rage, and hopes to carry on working.

She even rents out her dungeon - complete with sex props - to kinky couples who want to try out 'mummy porn' romp-fest 50 Shades of Grey for themselves.

Evilyne added: "A lot of couples in their 50s or so who are middle class want to have fun and try new things but can't do it at home because they have kids."

The Metropolitan Police are aware of officers attending the scene, but have not yet commented.

Daily Telegraph 8th July.

Cops with handcuffs, oooh kinky.

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce (Post 933209)

Cops with handcuffs, oooh kinky.

You know the difference between 'erotic', and 'kinky', dontcha?

In erotic, you use the feather. In kinky, you use the whole chicken.
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Unrelated:

Attachment 52535

Hyena country...:D
Jpeg plumes...:D

That's not Serenity, it's a Shark!

Whatever it is, it has wings.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gravdigr (Post 934069)

Attachment 52671

Awwwww.......True love!

Funniest thing I've ever seen from The Onion:

Fuck. The thumbnail ruined the funniest part.

''Frankenstein no see problem same sex marriage.
Frankenstein happy same sex marriage legal.
Frankenstein more than one man joined as one.''

You're right, a perfect example.

Quote:

If you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter it absolutely must go off. If it's not going to be fired, it shouldn't be hanging there.

However I disagree with Chekhov. That rifle on the wall could be part of setting the scene as a rustic dwelling.
The type of rifle could be an indicator of the time period.
A rifle could show the hero has other options when with nerves of aluminum he talks to serial killer into reforming, becoming a missionary, and helping the poor. http://cellar.org/2015/shades.gif

Like most rules with creating art, it's a rule worth considering, even if you eventually decide not to apply it.

Yeah, but it was very astute of you to remember and cite that rule.
I'm no writer, my attempt at spell binding would apt be more like spelling blinding.
Fleming should have heeded that rule, his James Bond books were so constipated with superfluous detail, I wanted to yell at the damn books. :haha:

I thought it was the dead zone. Yours is funnier.

I love the single panel strip 'Argyle Sweater'.

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Apology

http://cellar.org/2015/apology.jpg

Bwahahahahahaha. :lol2: Take that, lawyers!

Scarfolk is watching you. http://cellar.org/2015/eyes13.jpg

The other night Mom&Popdigr (65 & 73) were eating watermelon, they luuuuurve them some watermelon, let me tell you. Anyway, while munching away, Popdigr's dentures decide to come loose. No problem, it's watermelon, right? Pop reaches up and just takes his teeth out, and takes them to his little false-teeth-bucket in the bathroom, comes back, and continues munching.

Momdigr looks up at him when he comes back, and asks "What was that about?".

Popdigr responds:

"I took such a big bite of watermelon, I had to take my teeth out to eat it."

Pop doesn't have much of a sense of humor, but, every now and then...

:lol2: