lol

hahaha. Bruce that's brilliant.

Here's my submission, taken from the comments section of the Guardian:

Q: Why did Joseph Smith cross the road?
A: To get to the other bride.

My dad and I went to the Christmas tree place and picked out a tree, the salesman asked my dad, "Are you going to put this up yourself?"
My dad said, "Don't be disgusting. I'm going to put it up in the living room."

Patience with Patients
 

I laughed so loud at #12, I woke up Momdigr. Rly.

:D:D:D:D:D:D

:lol2:

Scam Warning!!!
 

Attachment 48213


Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works; Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Aug. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also Sept. 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

yikes! I'm scared stiff!

Well, I'm stiff...:love:

Heh, not the first word about those attractive, thin, scantily clad, skin-showing ladies in Nirvana's post.

Some of you hypocrites would have hung my balls from your rearview mirror if I'd posted that.

But, that's cool.

Not for that pic I wouldn't.

If the pic cut off their heads so all we were seeing was their tits, I'd have something to say about it.

what heads?

All I saw was a nice couple of racks no faces were seen.

:facepalm:Groan.














giggle giggle :o

Oh! Oh, I get it now!

Fuck me, that took a day to sink in. Pathetic.

Do try to keep up.

:p:


Welcome back, Bruce. Good vaca?

Mostly, yes.

Dammit Wolf, I fucking told you to make sure you close the door of the van!

http://gawker.com/corpse-falls-out-o...hia-1604296870

NSFW!!! NSFW!!! NSFW!!!
 

Of the 2000+ crappy kid jokes in Minifobette's book, one finally made me laugh.


What kind of computer sings the best?





Adele.

Bahahahaha!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

There was an outbreak of uncontrollable laughter at the local Catholic Church.

The priest said that it was mass hysteria.

Boo. Hiss, boo.

.

Ha ha... I get it. Well, sometimes when I've been drinking anyway

Low blood sugar?

Middle aged...

A poum fer ya...

BREAKING...

So many folks seem to be constitutional experts these days...

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."
"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.
"Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Are you religious?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
"Christian."
"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"
He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."
I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.

That's classic Emo Philips so we will have to link to it. This is the long version, so the bit starts in earnest at 2:00, but everything leading up to it is also hilarity. This version with Italian captions is the best quality of it on the t00b.

I never heard Emo do it, but did hear it on Saturday Night Live years ago. I think it was Al Franken, but I wouldn't put a nickel on that. :haha:

My Favorite Animal


Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.


My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.


I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.



The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.



She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.



I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.



Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."


Guess where the fuck I am now...

hahahahahahahahaaa!

Please take care - this could happen to anyone!

One of the problems of British humour ( or maybe I shouldn't say that as it's Irish)

priceless!

Oh my goodness...that was hilarious!

English men in drag are always funny

my face hurts

CULTURAL DIFFERENCES EXPLAINED

AUSSIES: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
CANADIANS: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
AMERICANS: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
BRITS: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

AUSSIES: Believe you should look out for your mates.
BRITS: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
AMERICANS: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
CANADIANS: Believe that that's the government's job.

AUSSIES: Are extremely patriotic about their beer.
AMERICANS: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
CANADIANS: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
BRITS: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

AMERICANS: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
CANADIANS: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
BRITS: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
AUSSIES: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

AMERICANS: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
BRITS: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
CANADIANS: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
AUSSIES: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

AMERICANS: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
BRITS: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
CANADIANS: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
AUSSIES: Add "G'day" "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.

BRITS: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
AUSSIES: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
AMERICANS: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, and liquor in a backward country.
CANADIANS: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, and liquor in a backward country.

AMERICANS: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
CANADIANS: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
BRITS: Drink warm, beery-tasting p*ss.
AUSSIES: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

AMERICANS: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
CANADIANS: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
BRITS: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
AUSSIES: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

..... and, I suspect, written by one of us frightfully nice British chaps. ;)



Then again, perhaps not.

Ha!

Couple of minor points:

@ Jim - that's an Irish man, not an English man.

@ Bruce - we pay a tax to watch tv regardless of the number of channels (I think there are around 50 'free' channels. More can be got through subscription but they still require the licence fee to be paid.

Damifino, but it came from an Aussie site.

That's different then.

They can take the blame/credit as applicable.:)

We used to be able to make fun of our various nationalities this side of the pond, but now we're prevented from doing so - PC and all that. But I'm sure there's some clause somewhere about it being OK to re-circulate jokes that were in existence before the law came into effect, you know, a bit like you can still buy and sell old ivory pre 1947 or something, and a few other things of a similar nature. Anyway, I'm going to take a chance. Found these at the bottom of a box that has done nothing but pass from one attic to another untouched until now, as we moved houses over the years. If you've heard them before, well tough titty, but I reckon these were born before most of you were even twinkles in your parents eyes - oh, and the fact they are all about the Irish is just coincidence, pure coincidence, could be about anyone...:


Paddy shouts frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are
only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

--------- --------- --------- ---------

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.

--------- --------- --------- ---------

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What on earth you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

-------------- ------------ --------------

An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies:
"They have to go backwards. If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."

----------------------------------------------------------

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' says Paddy,
'You must have a vase somewhere!'

The first two made me lol.

Great sex

I had awesome early morning sex this morning!!!








Damn shame no one was here to share. :bolt:

It's always heartening to learn that everything 'down there' is in good working order. Personally I have no major problems in this respect, and most especially with regards to its other and more regular function. At 6.00 am regular as clockwork, I can be confident that I wiil urinate without any problem whatsoever. It's just a bit inconvenient that I don't usually wake up until 6.30 am.

Something for hiccups (I wouldn't be surprised if you had seen this cure before)

You scared me CF.

Did you have hiccups?

An oldie, but still makes me giggle: see whole list here: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.ph...ilOverlordList

My favourites:

Things I'll do if I ever become an Evil Overlord.

I was just thinking of this list the other day. Thanks for posting it. It's got to be at least 20 years old.

Why did the chicken sit on a duck egg?






It was mistake hen.

The page I linked to is really good and gives a potted history of the list as well.