A group of doctors were out duck hunting, when a large bird flew overhead.
The family doctor raised his gun, but then lowered his gun saying "I am not sure that is a duck."
The Psychiatrist raised his gun, but then lowered it again saying “I know it's a duck, but I'm not sure that it knows it's a duck."
The surgeon raises his gun and blasts the bird out of the sky, then turns to the pathologist and says "Go see if that was a duck."

That is so special.

Bless his heart.

"You look familiar, do I know you?"
"I don't know, do you watch porn?"

.

perfect!

Two TV antennas met on a roof and fell in love. The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was OUTSTANDING.

.Attachment 45552

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.

His wife screams at him as his friend listens in. “My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I’m still in my pajamas and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?

“Because he’s thinking of getting married.”

nice

Touche

Dammit, I fell for that, again.

.Attachment 45598

Le Royale w/cheese.[/Jules]

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN:

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war and doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada , self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet , wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN:

Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran , Ruled by Nuts!!.

What's the hardest part of learning to Rollerblade?




















Telling your parents that you're gay.

For me, it was having the elbow reset 2 times after dislocating it. :-)

Ow. I think I'd rather be gay

Either way, the first time will hurt. :-)

See there, that's the shit I missed.

:lol2:

See, they're at the Grey Matter Brain Bistro, see.

The menu reads Einstein, Edison, Tesla, Hawking...And on the Lite Menu? Lohan. :lol2:

Don't forget Today's Special...

Attachment 45684

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him.

As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, “It’s all right honey, I’ve had a course in first aid.”

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man’s pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.

At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, “When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m already here.”

:lol: Bruce, I do love you ...

Americas Misguided Children
TEACHER ARRESTED--SHOCKING.

A public school teacher was arrested today at Tampa International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

:D Obama's remark brought a question to my mind...

If we had evolved with only 2 fingers/hand and 2 toes/foot,
would we have invented computers sooner ?

*sigh*

That final paragraph might as well read, "And Obama fainted."

Here's a great crossword clue I just made up:

Misunderstood pin up girl


Betty Garble

*chuckle*

.Attachment 45898

The past, present, and future all walk into a bar. It was tense.

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. He starts the stop by asking the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer, in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.' The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

:facepalm:

Who is that vision of loveliness?

I feel the need to find, and ogle, way too many pictures of her.

Imgur

That's a weird name for a girl.

I think it's native American

It's a misunderstanding. Her name is Diane and Grav wants to be In Diane.

Hah!

And yes, I do.

Cue Sexobon w/lyrics to John Camp Cougarmellon's 'Grav And Diane' in 3...2...

Last line:

Her ditties aren't that little.

Alright, this is getting silly.

You're right.





EVERYBODY TANGO!!!

I'll second that. :D

MANGO!

LINK

ManGoo?



Srsly, I cannot waste any more time looking for that pic Jim posted way back when.....

.Attachment 46028

I don't OW find that OW joke to be all OW that funny.

Only one eye, no arms or legs...

And it comes and goes without warning.

Oh, there's plenty of warning...

Just don't jostle him around a bunch...

"My wife ran away with my best friend" Jim said to his friend.
"Was he good looking?" asked his friend.
"I don't know," Jim admitted. "Never met him."

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in a VERY advanced state of agitation. "Father!" she cried "just WAIT until you hear this!"
The priest led the sister to a chair, and said "Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?"
"Well, Father" the nun began "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"
"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.
"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun" it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"
"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest "What did you do?"
"Well, I hit the CEILING, father".
"How much did you win?"

A repeat, but relevent.

Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are
traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in
Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out
of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car
and hisses at them through the windshield.

Quick, quick! shouts Sister Mary Agnes, What should we
do?

Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the
abomination, says Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the
mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing
at the nuns. What shall I do now? she shouts.

Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water
before we left the Vatican, replies Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The
vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on
and continues hissing at the nuns.

Now what? shouts Sister Mary Agnes.

Show him your cross, says Sister Mary Vincent.

Now you're talking, says Sister Mary Agnes. She then
opens the window and shouts, Get the fck off our car!