Yeah, when you tell that joke, you find out if they watch porn often enough to get the joke.

You don't have to watch porn to know what buffering is. I would think anyone could get the joke.

nope, too late.. you already lolled.

Unless they have FIOS. :3eye:

excellent!!!

ANOTHER magic trick!! I can't wait.

I was in Mercy, Australia, recently and was served tea made from the hair of a koala bear.

You're kidding! How was it?

Oh, it was awful. It was filled with koala hair!

Well, you know, the koala tea of Mercy is not strained.

Unlike that joke... :groan:

That was the mercifully brief version of the interminable shaggy dog story.

*shaggy* dog story? I see what you did t hair.

I know someone who would think that was funny.

Unfortunately, he has a very tiny weenie.

but he would find that funny.

Hey, you promised not to tell. :cry:

ha! YOU know who I'm talking about.

He wears tweeds and thinks Shakespearean jokes are teh funneh.

did I tell you his wife busted him? Why yes, yes she did.

I feel like I'm not getting this one... :sniff::dunce:

Quality of mercy is not strained. ;)

I got the quality part, but thought "surely there must be something else I'm missing."

so... the joke was just that bad? :)

Maybe the joke is Shakespeare in Australia.:bolt:


Just kidding ladies, I'll give ya a big kiss down-under. ;)

Imagine how bad it would have been if it were the original, 15 minute long,'shaggy dog' version.

That's how I heard it. Short and sweet. All things considered, I guess I'm glad I didn't have to sit through the long version. :D

The real question is: if the quality of mercy is not strained, how do you get the lumps out?

ahh, there's the rub...

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hello, President Obama" a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Jimmy Boy, down here at Bump's Catfish Shack, in Vicksburg , and I am callin' to tell y'all that we are officially declaring war on y'all!"

"Well Jimmy Boy," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Jimmy Boy, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Bubba, my next-door-neighbor Cooter and brother Gerald, and the whole dart team from JD's Bait Shop. That makes eight or maybe nine depending if Bump can close the store.

Barack paused. "I must tell you Jimmy Boy that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Jimmy Boy. "I'll have to call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Jimmy Boy called again. "Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Jimmy Boy?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and my brother Mike's farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Jimmy Boy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Jimmy Boy, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Jimmy Boy called again the next day. "President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

“Well, sir," said Jimmy Boy, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over sweet tea, catfish, greens and pie and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed that many prisoners."

Reminds me of the comic strips at Perry Bible Fellowship.
NOTE: Some are NSFW, all are a bit twisted.

Here's two from GTown's link:

Attachment 42677

Attachment 42678

Attachment 42695

Attachment 42696

Forgot my fave PBF when I posted the link:

omg gtown. I had to look up the movie Gummo (for Ohio) and it's about Xenia OH (quote: Xenia, Ohio, is a small poor and boring city that never fully recovered after a tornado in the 1970s.)

Of course, I remember the tornado (I was in elementary school...way north of Xenia but it was a BIG DEAL.) So I have to find the movie.

(sung to the tune of the song from Evita, I heard this from my sis-in-law):

Don't cry for me I'm from Xenia...

:lol:

are there a lot of foreigners in that town?

Not that I know of. ;)

well do they at LEAST have a Warrior Princess??!

Why yes. Yes they do.

Infi, I thought you said you quit smoking cigs.

No, I never claimed that. ;)

Right. You may have given up cigarettes but you haven't quit smokin'

:thumb:

*winks and makes that little clicky clicky sound*

A mother sends her gay son to a strait camp now he is just sad.

tor we told you not to drink and post

It's the delivery. I think the joke has potential.

I think the picture has dementia.

You need to start Wandows norgmadly.

Sorry I thought I was supposed to drink and post, hell a few more I would have been in the dweller NSW thread

Funny, a good parody of Maxim or Playboy is hard to find. Well, for Maxim it's pretty much just any issue. So anyway...

Anyway, I think THIS picture has a subtle brilliance:

I think ann coulter would be great in bed

How to loss a boner .10 seconds

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients

And felt guilty all day long. No matter how much

He tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt

And sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every now and then he'd hear an internal

Reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first

Medical practitioner to sleep with one of their

Patients and you won't be the last.

And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head

Would bring him back to reality.

Whispering...

Dave...

Dave...

Dave ...

Dave...


...you're a fucking veterinarian.

A thief breaks into a house.
He goes through the drawers looking for valuables.
As he's digging through the stuff in the drawers, he hears a voice behind his back "Jesus is watching you."
He turns around - no one in the room .
He keeps on going through the stuff, and again behind his back he hears "Jesus is watching you."
He turns around again, but no one's there.
He keeps on with his "work", and then it goes again - "Jesus is watching you."
This time he pulls out a flashlight and starts looking around the room.
In one corner he sees a bird cage with parrot inside.
"Did you say that?" asks the thief.
"Yes I did" says the parrot.
"So, what is your name ?" inquires the thief.
"Oliver" answers the parrot.
Thief starts laughing "Ha, Ha, Oliver, what a funny name for a parrot!"
"Oh, yeah?" goes the parrot "And do you think "Jesus" is funny name for a Doberman?"

Woops.

A steak fanatic, my father always picks out cuts that include a bone, because he loves to nibble on it.
One night Father and I were finishing our dinners at a steakhouse, and I could tell he wanted to start gnawing on the bone. But he couldn't bear to do so in public.

"Excuse me," he said, calling the waitress over, "would you please wrap this bone up for my dog?" Father has never owned a dog in his life, but the while lie seemed a tactful solution to his dilemma.

A few minutes later, the waitress returned to our table. "Here's your bone, sir," she said, handing over a large package. "And while I was in the kitchen, I grabbed a few more out of the scrap bucket." :facepalm:

:lol2:

Apparently, someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. That poor bastard.


Have you ever started to eat a horse and then realised that you weren't that hungry after all?

There are two types of people in the world. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!"
What a fool, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One says to the other, 'Do you smell fish?'

What time did Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?
Tennish.

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

How does a soprano sing a scale? A: Do-Re-Me NOT YOU ME - ME - ME!

Knock knock
Who's there?
Broken pencil
Broken pencil who?
Nevermind...there's no point.


My mate rang me and asked, "What're you doing at the moment?"
I said, "Probably failing my driving test."

What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.

A German man walks up to the immigration desk at Warsaw airport. The immigration officer asks: 'Occupation?'
The German replies: 'No, just a holiday.'

If you pour root beer into a square cup will you get beer?


I didn't want to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I started looking, all the signs were there.

I told my girlfriend that she drew her eyebrows on too high.
She looked surprised.

How much does a hipster weigh?
An instagram!

Did you hear about the guy who froze himself to absolute zero?
He's 0K now!


Why did Stacey fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.

Knock Knock. Who's there?
Not Stacey.

What are three words you dread the most while making love? "Honey, I'm home."

keepers.

bravo!

Those were great, foot. Thanks.

You contemplating a career in stand-up?

Not without me, he's not.

Actual scholarship application statement:

I have a good work ethic, and because I like to get things done and leave nothing unfinished.

Nah, I stole all those from reddit. I was looking for a long joke that I am too lazy to type out and didn't find it, but found those. Spent an hour there. ugh.

I really liked the first one, it reminded me of my dad, who had phenomenal delivery. IT was the type of joke he would tell.

Agreed with LJ on his other two choices. Keepers.