The Cellar - I'm Jim, and I'm a Compulsive Overeater

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- - I'm Jim, and I'm a Compulsive Overeater (http://cellar.org/showthread.php?t=23182)

I second pooka's post.

Sorry Jinx. I know how effed up this type of thing can be.
All I can offer at the moment is to try and let the dust settle a bit and not make any rash decisions just yet. Let the dust settle...

Quote:

Originally Posted by jinx (Post 672805)

He knows how to diet. He knows how to manage money. He understands the consequences of not doing these things.

The problem isn't overeating, or overspending. The problems are dishonesty, sneakiness, the need to be getting away with something, the need to be destructive. This is what he needs help with. This is what I can't understand and don't want to be around anymore.

I find out something fucked up, somehow, not from him, and I confront him with it. He makes excuses, apologies, promises.... says anything he thinks I want to hear to make it go away. Doesn't mean any of it, just keeps on doing, until the next fucked up thing pops up. These things become a pattern of behavior on top of the actual issue of the moment - but that's on me. That makes me unforgiving.

He knows the things he does are wrong so he hides them from me. If I don't ask direct and specific questions, I'll never find out, and it's all good in his mind. Over and over and over again for years and years and years. He's even recruited friends to hide things from me.

It's all on me, but it's all hidden from me so I can't really do anything about it. And now the trust and our marriage is all on me. He even told the kids that - that he doesn't want to split up, that it's all my decision.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm screwed either way.

that's all true.

I will change.

I'm sorry about what I said to the kids. I told them that as soon as you were ready to let me back in, I was there. I did not think of the position it puts you in with them. I was trying to assure them that I was working hard to get back with you. mea culpa.

It's not all on you, jinx.

I don't have any sage advice for you guys, but I'm rooting for you both.

There's got to be a middle way. People generally lie when they are trying to avoid "punishment" for something. They don't want to get in trouble, so they lie to avoid it. Take away the punishment, and you take away the motivation for lying. At the same time, structuring your lives differently so that the bad behavior is less of an option should reduce incidents of it. If it's money, taking control of the finances. If it's something else, there may be other things you guys can do.

Of course, saying to him he won't get in trouble when he's doing whatever he's doing assumes that the behavior is something you can live with when it does happen. If the bad behavior is a deal breaker, then it's not going to work.

I'm on the outside, so I have no idea what you guys are dealing with. But you can probably find a middle way if you look for it.

I feel very bad about this whole thread.

I wanted to share my failure so I could identify what I've done wrong, and work on fixing it. I did not intend to position jinx in a way that this is all her fault for throwing me out.... which is how it seems. I did not intend to use the kids to pressure her. not consciously... that's horrible.

I need to stop posting in this thread now. I just keep doing more damage to a very fragile thing.

That's not the impression that I got. What Jinx added (and thank you, Jinx, as we all gain from it) is pretty much what I assumed, after hearing your story of it. It never seemed all on her. It seemed, and it still seems, like the kind of dance that all deep relationships go through.

Iagree with UT. This may also be a great place to put [/thread] at least temporarily.

They both are in a very difficult place right now, but on opposite ends of the spectrum. As a wife and mother who is laying down the law to protect herself and her children, Jinx's position is extremely challenging. Her position is righteous but also wrought with guilt. My mother did the same thing.

I agree with UT. I never took it in any way that LJ was putting it on Jinx... more that he was confessing his short comings and wanting to correct the problems he has and has created... and most importantly his desire to repair the relationship.

I think most of us have been there... on both sides. But most importantly we are all here supporting you both... as individuals and as a couple.

I sense the LJ and Pooka need to take this private.
In any case, I won't be reading this thread any more.
Best wishes to both and their family.

I think you meant LJ and Jinx... I am married to Flint and we are all good for the now... thank you though.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Undertoad (Post 672832)

What he said.

Quote:

Originally Posted by glatt (Post 672826)

It's not all on you, jinx.

There's got to be a middle way. People generally lie when they are trying to avoid "punishment" for something. They don't want to get in trouble, so they lie to avoid it. Take away the punishment, and you take away the motivation for lying. At the same time, structuring your lives differently so that the bad behavior is less of an option should reduce incidents of it. If it's money, taking control of the finances. If it's something else, there may be other things you guys can do.

Of course, saying to him he won't get in trouble when he's doing whatever he's doing assumes that the behavior is something you can live with when it does happen. If the bad behavior is a deal breaker, then it's not going to work.

I'm on the outside, so I have no idea what you guys are dealing with. But you can probably find a middle way if you look for it.

Thanks glatt. A middle way would be good.
Right now, from my perspective, Jim does want to be in trouble. He wants me to act like a mom to him. We've discussed this, and that I'm not into it several times.

Any action can, and has been, taken to the deal breaker level if one tries hard enough - that's the reason I stepped in to steer the help towards the problem and not the specific actions. I'd like to figure out the motivation for the deal breaking shit. The obvious one is that one wants out of the relationship. If that's not it, then what?

And I'm sorry, I'm not normally a 'dirty laundry' type person. It makes me uncomfortable too.