The Cellar - Humor...I Need Humor...

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No, no, Tiger fart. Tora-no-kaze. Not Toro.

pilot jokes eh?

Q: What is the ideal cockpit crew?

A: A pilot and a dog...the pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.

----

Q: What's the purpose of the propeller?

A: To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!

-----

Overworked air traffic controller responding to the disoriented student pilot of a single-engine Cessna who is calling him on 121.5 MHz on a busy Saturday afternoon:

"Lost aircraft, say position."

ATC to pilot: Barnburner 1234A say altitude

BB 1234A: Altitude!

ATC: Barnburner 1234A please repeat. Say altitude.

BB 1234A: Altitude! <snicker>

ATC: Barnburner 1234A say "Terminating IFR"

BB 1234A: Altitude 5000

If life gives you melons, get checked for dyslexia.

Quote:

Originally Posted by monster (Post 833461)

I didn't like to point out Bullfart's typo, though...

I'm blaming auto correct

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZenGum (Post 833629)

If life gives you melons,...

If life gives you melons...

...motorboat them puppies!!

And I grabbed this off of the internet a few moments ago....maybe this goes in the sometimes the stars align thread?

The story behind that headline is appalling.... a government official doing a CYOA.

Time World
Stephan Faris
Oct. 24, 2012

ITALY: The Aquila Earthquake Verdict: Where the Guilt May Really Lie

Quote:

When a judge in Italy ruled Monday that seven experts were guilty of manslaughter
for having failed to adequately warn citizens in the city of Aquila of a major earthquake,
the verdict was met in the courtroom by stunned silence.

Internationally, it was greeted with outrage.
Scientists claimed that science itself was on trial.
Columnists compared the conviction, in which each man was
sentenced to six years in prison, to the persecution of Galileo.

In Italy, on Tuesday, the head of the country’s disaster management agency resigned in protest.
But whatever one thinks of the judgment–and there are more reasons than not
to be concerned–the greatest danger may lie elsewhere: that anger over the verdict
will distract from the very real lessons the case has to offer.

At issue is a meeting of the seven defendants, then members of a board called the
National Commission for the Forecast and Prevention of Major Risks, in Aquila on March 31, 2009.
Small tremors had been rocking the area for months, light shocks
that rattled buildings and sent frightened citizens into the streets.
To make matters worse, a local resident who wasn’t a scientist was using
an unproved method of earthquake prediction, analyzing concentrations of radon gas
to forecast the time and place of tremors.
His findings–which proved unfounded–were being picked up by the local media, adding to the sense of panic.

It was into this environment that the Italian government called the seven defendants,
top men in their field, to a rare meeting outside of Rome.
It was to all appearances more of a publicity move than a real scientific evaluation.
Later, the Italian Daily La Repubblica would publish a wiretap transcript
in which top government official can be heard describing the meeting as a “media operation.”
We want “to calm down the public,” he says, speaking the day before the gathering.
“And instead of you and me…we’ll have the top scientists in the field of seismology talking.”

After the meeting, the government official on the commission gave a statement to the media.

Quote:

“The scientific community tells me there is no danger,
because there is an ongoing discharge of energy,” he said.

“The situation looks favorable.”

Six days later, the city was struck by a magnitude 6.3 earthquake.
The shaking was felt in Rome, a two-hour drive away.
Aquila’s historic city center–one of Italy’s largest–was devastated.
More than 300 people were killed. Another 1,600 were injured.
Thousands were left homeless.

<snip>

Yea, but, you got the joke right?

Sent from my ASUS Transformer Pad TF300T using Tapatalk 2

Quote:

Originally Posted by regular.joe (Post 835573)

Yea, but, you got the joke right?

Sent from my ASUS Transformer Pad TF300T using Tapatalk 2

Ummm, I guess so; but knowing the background of the headline, I also got the irony.
Without the background, it was (for me) just another PR ad by another oil company.

My girlfriend asked me to treat her like a princess; so I locked her in a tower

...so I crashed her car in a tunnel.

What?

Did you hear Princess Diana was on the radio?

and on the dashboard and on the windshield, and ...

You guys are so bad.....funny, but bad. :p

Right about the time Rock Hudson died, Philadelphia Flyers ice hockey goalie Pelle Lindberg died in a car accident. My brother in law, a huge Flyers fan, told me the "Rock Hudson died of botulism - he got bad meat in his can" joke. I asked him if he knew how they determined it was Pelle in the smashed car. He didn't. I told him it because there was a face off in the front seat. He didn't like that. Didn't think it was funny.

When Sonny Bono and Michael Kennedy died in skiing accidents, within like 5 days of each other, there was something going around to the effect:

If you do not stop irresponsible logging we will continue to kill one celebrity a week.

Signed,

The Trees

Quote:

Originally Posted by infinite monkey (Post 839825)

that one is funneh.

The Lorax co-wrote it.

I had a little help with the Christmas cookies this year! ;)

Attachment 42116

my reaction to chocolate drop cookies will never be the same

Quote:

Originally Posted by jimhelm (Post 702072)

fuck. sitting at my desk crying... I have to stop reading them.

Jim

1--get tissues

2--click video

3--repeat.

These both seriously need tissues. Especially the first one. :lol:

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigV (Post 843651)

my reaction to chocolate drop cookies will never be the same

No kidding. I think Hershey's Kisses have been ruined for me forever.

O and V if it tastes like chocolate guess what? Its not poop! ;)

Now onto other humor...

Attachment 42180

Nirvana, your delivery is perfect.

her humor is dark, isn't it?

This is dark...

Attachment 42193

D'oh. Ripley tells me I got the lyrics wrong. I like big butts and I cannot lie. All you other brothers can't deny....

Dammmit!

Next one will be

It takes a village to tell a joke.

And just one dick to fuck it up

So Eli Manning, Drew Brees, and Ben Rothlesberger walk into a bar... to watch the playoffs.

hahahahahaaaa

eta:
ha ha HA!

a dyslexic man walks into a bra...

Stork family sitting at the dinner table. Father stork says, "Well I made a couple of people happy today." Mother stork says, "I made a couple of people happy today too. What did you do dear?"

The little stork says, "I scared the shit out of a couple of college students."

BREAKING NEWS:
Obama has stepped in and decided that Alabama got too many points yesterday
and has redistributed some of those points to Notre Dame resulting in a tie in the game
and a tie for the national championship.
When asked for a comment, Obama said, "Alabama obviously got more than their fair share.
They didn't win that all by themselves! What does one team need all those points for"?

ALAN! ALAN! AL! ALAN!

It's-it's not Alan. Is-is that-is that Steve?

STEVE!STEVE!!STEVE!

The bit with the bird and Michael Jackson music: That's from a 'Nature' episode on birds, and that's actually the music they (the 'Nature' people) put behind it. Classic episode.

Quote:

Originally Posted by classicman (Post 847084)

BREAKING NEWS:
Obama has stepped in and decided that Alabama got too many points yesterday
… yadda yadda yadda

In other news, the government has decided to tax people. Some have trouble getting a grip.

pssst. humor thread.

During sex, I suddenly stopped and held perfectly still.

She was all like, 'what are you doing/"

I said, "Hush, I saw this on Pornhub. It's called Buffering."

Quote:

Originally Posted by jimhelm (Post 849410)

During sex, I suddenly stopped and held perfectly still.

She was all like, 'what are you doing/"

I said, "Hush, I saw this on Pornhub. It's called Buffering."

This is the best one I have heard in years. I am definitely stealing it

'Buffering'.

Outstanding.

ETA: No one I know in my personal life will get it.

I immediately shared that with my brother and two best friends. Good one! :lol: