i'm glad you posted that bruce - i came across that little tidbit several months ago but knew i couldn't post it without being slammed for being some sort of neocon prick. i think the whole thing was pretty damned hilarious.

Just because you didn't post it doesn't mean you're not a neocon prick. :lol2:

Seriously though, why this attack of thin skin?
btw- Somebody told me the state police caught some of our local Dems coming out of the Chester, PA, state prison on Friday night. They supposedly had boxes of absentee ballots and some sleazily dressed women with them. I haven't seen anything on the news but I've been pretty busy. :confused:

Here in La there is a push to get ballots into the prison for the people awaiting trial. As long as they aren't already convicted of some other felony I'm fine with that.

don't misunderstand, it isn't a case of thin skin or anything like that. it is just the realization that like the nation in general, the cellar in particular holds some personalities who are wound so tight they are about to pop over the upcoming election. i enjoy interacting with most cellarites, so with my observation of the tension level in mind i'm just choosing to avoid most things political right now.

like i've said before - from the available list of choices i think bush is most closely matches my priorities and world view. i want him to win. i have concerns with a kerry victory. BUT - i don't believe either choice will be cataclysmic. many around here do.

so until after the election is settled i will avoid most of the political discussions and jabs here.

It would seem not everything in my Email box is garbage...:lol:

Two dutch girls are riding their bikes through the streets of Amsterdam, as it starts getting late they realize they are pretty far from home. Anxiously, one girl leans toward her friend and says:
"You know, I've never come this way before."

Her friend replies:
"It's the cobblestones."

A blonde is driving her car and it just conks out. She calls the garage and they send someone over to look at it. The mechanic lokks under the hood for a while and fiddles around a bit, then starts the car.
"What's the deal with the car?" Asks the Blonde.

"Aw, just crap in the carburator." He says.

"Really? How often do I have to do that?"

Celebratory Lunch
 

George Bush and Dick Cheney are enjoying a celebration lunch at a fancy Washington restaurant. Their waitress approaches their table to take their order; she is young and very attractive.

She asks Cheney what he wants, and he replies, "I'll have the heart-healthy salad."

"Very good, sir," she replies, and turning to Bush she asks, "And what do you want, Mr. President?"

Bush answers, "How about a quickie?"

Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'm shocked and disappointed in you. I thought you were committed to high principles and morality. I'm sorry I voted for you." With that, the waitress departed in a huff.

Cheney leans over to Bush, and says, "Mr. President, I believe that's pronounced 'quiche'".

Note from the left: Jessie Jackson really doesn't count anymore, not even to us. You may fire away, and I can promise you that I won't be jumping to his defense, and most of us lefties would probably be sticking with me.

Does that mean that we can tell the airplane joke and use the n-word too?

Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to
call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no foo-kin way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners of war."

How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?.........

Let's go ride bikes!!

I'm a light bulb joke fan...........
How many vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?........

YOU DON'T KNOW YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!
:D
And.........
P.S. For the people that think I am Mari.....I now have undeniable proof I'm not! :D

Well, I'm not one of those who necessarily think that you are Mari, but just for the sake of argument, what's the proof?

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.

After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."

"I agree", says the Father, "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"

"Anything, Father."

"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."

"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."

The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes, Sister?"

"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"

"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.

"Oh Father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."

"Is that true father?"

"Yes, it is, Sister."

"Oh Father that's wonderful, stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here."

Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. Seamus fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots
12. PARADOX: Two physicians
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm
15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife
19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does
20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official

A prayer for Democrats.

Bush is my shepherd, I shall be in want.
He maketh me to lie down on park benches.
He leadeth me beside the still factories.
He restoreth my doubts about the Republican Party.
He leadeth me onto the paths of unemployment for his cronies' sake.
Yea, though no weapons of mass destruction have been found, He makest me continue to fear his Evil.
His tax cuts for the rich and his deficit spending discomfort me.
He anointest me with never-ending debt: Verily my days of savings and assets are kaput.
Surely poverty and hard living shall follow me all the days of his administration, And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement (read:cellar) forever.

Amen

A comely redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks.
In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with him, even though he was a married man.
"Oh, Sam," she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't there some way we can be together, the way we were meant to be?"
Taking her by the shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her, "Snatched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried meetings in sordid motels rooms - is that really what you want for us?"
"No, no..." she sobbed, heartsick.
"Oh," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a suggestion."
:rolleyes:

From the KC Star yesterday comes this offering by the brilliant editorial cartoonist Pat Oliphant...

Bill, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old blonde on his arm. She's hanging on his every word. His buddies at the club are aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bill how did you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bill replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're stunned, but continue to inquire about Bill's companion. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?" Bill says, "I lied about my age." His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?" Bill smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90." :smack:

World History of Beer, Politics and Girlie Men
 

History began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains in the summer & would go to the beach &live on fish & lobster in winter.

The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer & the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization & together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Liberals & Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain & that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking & killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."

Other men who were weaker & less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's & doing the sewing, fetching & hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girlie men.'

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs & the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat & beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, & French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood & group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat & still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes & generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers & decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame & created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.

Bear on the Roof
 

The insurance man wakes up one morning to find a bear the roof of his upstate New York mansion. So he looks in the yellow pages and - sure enough - there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do?" the wealthy insurance man asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the insurance man.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the insurance industry magnet.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

Best if told with an Irish accent
 

Excuse Me if it has been posted before I'm a newb :)

Cork Radio Station (in Ireland), 96 FM, was running a competition to find contestants who could come up with words that were not found in any English Dictionary yet could still use these words in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali for a week. The DJ, Neil, had many callers;
the following two standing out:

DJ: 96FM, what's your name?

Caller: Hi, me name's Dave.

DJ: Dave, what is your word?

Caller: Goan, spelt G O A N, pronounced "go-an"

DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct, Dave,"goan" is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is, what sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?

Caller: Goan fuck yourself!

At this point the DJ cuts the caller short and announces that there is no place for that sort of language on a family show. After many more unsuccessful calls the DJ takes the following caller:

DJ: 96FM, what's your name?

Caller: Hi, me name's Jeff.

DJ: Jeff, what is your word?

Caller: Smee, spelt S M E E, pronounced "smee".

DJ: We are checking that (pause) and you are correct, Jeff, "smee" is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is, what sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?

Caller: Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!

Welcome to the Cellar Bexin :)

John and Marie (both unmarried) went to the same church.
Marie went every Sunday and taught Sunday School.
John went on Christmas and Easter and, once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Marie and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection, John leaned forward and said, "Hey, Marie, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday?"
"Why yes, John, that would be nice," said Marie.
Well, John couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his car, and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner, at the finest restaurant in town. When they sat down, John looked over at Marie said, "Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, John was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Marie," said John, "would you like a smoke?" "Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his car and started driving Marie home when they passed the Holiday Inn.
He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Marie," said John, "how would you like to stop at this motel with me?" "Sure, John, that would be nice," said Marie.
Well, John couldn't believe his luck. He made a U-turn right then and there, across the median, and drove back to the motel and checked in with Marie.
The next morning John got up first. He looked at Marie lying there in the bed. "What have I done? What have I done?" thought John.
He shook Marie and she woke up. "Marie, I've got to ask you one thing, said John. "What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
Marie said, "The same thing I always tell them... You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."

Speaking of mental leaps (see the patton and Macarthur thread):

It was an advanced physics course and the professor was more of a researcher and should never have been teaching. In one class, he begins to explain some theorem and fills a blackboard with equations. He goes on, "therefore it is obvious that" and fills another blackboard with equations.

One student raises his hand and says he didn't understand how to get from the first blackboard to the second.

The professor mumbles a bit, then goes to a third blackboard and begins, "you see how we got to this right?" The student agrees. "Well, from this you get this" and he starts writing equations again. Eventually he fills two more blackboards.

"See", he says to the student. "I was right. It was obvious."

Word
 

A little girl comes home one day with a new word.

"Mommy, what's a pros ti tute?"

The mom takes a moment to compose hereself. She never lies to the kid, but it shouldn't be too graphic.

"Well honey. That's a lady who pretends to be married to a man for a little while, and does some of the things that married ladies do."

That puts the little girl deep in thought for a minute.

"Mommy, do prostitutes have babies?"


"Well of course darling. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

(Substitute job title, political party, or minority at will.)

Good one....welcome to the Cellar TickTock. :)

A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers..."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation?"

The Christmas Roast

Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
Hot sauce dripping from their toes
Yuletide squirrels fresh filletd by the fire
With hot skewers poked up thru their noses

Everybody knows some pepper and a garlic clove
Help to make them seasoned right
Tiny rats with a crisp golden coat will really hit the
spot tonight

And now when Santa sees his tray
There'll be some homemade chipmunk jerky for his sleigh
And every hungry child is gonna spy
To see if chipmunks really sizzle when they fry

And so I'm brushing on some honey glaze
To keep them crisp and juicy too
Let's hope they get served many times, many ways
Tasty chipmunks, good food

An eight year old kid swaggers into the local gin mill and orders a double scotch. The barmaid looks at him and asks:
"Are you trying to get me in trouble?"
The kid replies:
"Maybe later, right now I just want the scotch."

Warning-crude language! :)

It's no wonder why some kids have a problem with Santa...I mean, would you sit your kid on this guy's lap? :eyebrow:

There are quite a few scary, drunken santas in that series.This one is my favorite.

how many mice does it take to screw in a lite bulb ????

2004 Year in Review
http://www.angryflower.com/2004col.jpg

(from Bob the Angry Flower)

I have a post in a help forum about error in device manager for my optical drives. Someone posted to use cd & do a repair :confused: How in hell can you do that? :smack: him :biggrin:

What religion is YOUR bra?
 

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked
up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra
for my wife.

What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?

Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every
shape, size, color and material imaginable.

Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four
types of bras to choose from.

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: There
are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the
Baptist types.

Which one would you prefer?

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between
them.

The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

*****************

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the
letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters
stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!

Brian

Then there's this Santa/kids photo , which looks as though Santa may have just unloaded a bunch of cookies and milk into his jolly red pants...

I don't recall if I posted this here before.. but oh my gawd.. the first, second and third time I read these recipe cards I laughed so hard I almost pissed myself.. well I may have! but you'll never know! the captions are....are..are.. hee hee hee hee hee

http://www.candyboots.com/wwcards.html

Cows, The Constitution, and the Ten Commandments
 

COWS

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 200 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.


CONSTITUTION

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

TEN COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse! You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!

Bear Activity
 

BEWARE

The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers,
hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the
alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone area.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on
their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also
advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. People should
be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear
droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel
fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper
spray.

LOL - jinx, i read that a couple of weeks ago and it cracked me up then too.

• ANSWER: Carnac The Magnificent/
QUESTION: Who won't be coming down for breakfast anymore?
• ANSWER: Gatorade.
QUESTION: What does an alligator get on welfare?
• ANSWER: Bible belt.
QUESTION: What holds up Oral Roberts' pants?
• ANSWER: Milk and honey.
QUESTION: What do you get from a bee that has an udder?
• ANSWER: Clean air, a virgin and a gas station open on Sunday.
QUESTION: Name three things you won't find in Los Angeles.
• ANSWER: Black and white and twenty feet tall.
QUESTION: Describe Sister Mary Kong.
• ANSWER: Ben Gay.
QUESTION: Why didn't Mrs. Franklin have any kids?
• ANSWER: An unmarried woman.
QUESTION: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 pm on June 1, 1952?
• ANSWER: Disjoint.
QUESTION: What was dat hippie smoking?
• ANSWER: The Laughing Policeman.
QUESTION: What do you call a cop who frisks himself?
• ANSWER: Dustin Hoffman.
QUESTION: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman.
• ANSWER: Until he gets caught.
QUESTION: How long does a United States Congressman serve?
• ANSWER: Old wives tale.
QUESTION: What do cannibals find hard to digest?
• ANSWER: Rub-a-dub-dub.
QUESTION: What does a masseuse do to your dub-dub?
• ANSWER: Shareholder.
QUESTION: What did Sonny Bono used to be?
• ANSWER: Skalliwags.
QUESTION: What does your skalli do when it's happy?
• ANSWER: David Frost.
QUESTION: On a cold morning what forms on your david?
• ANSWER: Head and shoulders.
QUESTION: What do you see if you open the trunk of the Godfather's car?
• ANSWER: Hickory Dickory Dock.
QUESTION: Who do you go to when you have a pain in your hickory dickory?
• ANSWER: "Rose Bowl."
QUESTION: What do you say when it's Rose's turn at the bowling alley?
• ANSWER: That darn cat.
QUESTION: Who ruined that darn rug?
• ANSWER: High rollers.
QUESTION: Describe a stoned bowling team.
• ANSWER: Gunga din.
QUESTION: What do you hear when you put an amplifier in your gunga?
• ANSWER: "Follow the yellow brick road."
QUESTION: What are good directions to a urologist's office?
• ANSWER: At both ends.
QUESTION: Where do New Yorkers put their dogs muzzles?
• ANSWER: Igloo.
QUESTION: What do you use to keep your ig from falling off?
• ANSWER: R-O-L-A-I-D-S.
QUESTION: How does a stupid person spell "backgammon"?
• ANSWER: Grape Nuts.
QUESTION: What are Ernest and Julio Gallo?
• ANSWER: Supervisor.
QUESTION: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes?
• ANSWER: Crabgrass.
QUESTION: What do crabs get high on?
• ANSWER: Shake-N-Bake.
QUESTION: Describe a double feature with Earthquake and The Towering Inferno.
• ANSWER: Blazing Saddles.
QUESTION: What do they put on horses at the Preparation H Ranch?
• ANSWER: Flypaper.
QUESTION: What do you use to gift wrap a zipper?
• ANSWER: Deep freeze.
QUESTION: Name an Eskimo porno film.
• ANSWER: Bedbug.
QUESTION: What would Republicans use to eavesdrop on a hooker? :biggrin:

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I think I'll do both.

Thanks for those, Bruce.

Jan. 25 - In an effort to “level the academic playing field,” Harvard University President Lawrence Summers announced today that Harvard would introduce a home economics major designed specifically for its female students.
“Starting in the fall, Harvard will offer home economics for women who find economics too tricky,” said Summers, who called the move “long overdue.”
Summers said that the new courses would help women at Harvard improve their grade point averages, adding, “When it comes to getting busy in the kitchen, women are second to none.”
The home ec major, which will consist of courses in cooking, sewing and what Summers called “the allied domestic arts and sciences,” is believed to be the first of its kind ever to be offered by an Ivy League university.
Coming in the wake of Summers’ recent controversial remarks about purported intellectual differences between the sexes, the Harvard president’s decision to introduce a home economics major for women was widely seen as an olive branch of sorts.
But the move may have backfired, as an angry mob of female faculty members protested outside his office today, demanding his immediate ouster and burning Summers in effigy.
In a meeting with the protesters, Summers promised that he would recruit additional women to the Harvard faculty but refused to tell the protesters how many. “I don’t want to fill your heads with a lot of big numbers you won’t understand,” he said. :eyebrow:

Ouch! :haha:

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. That guy's going to get spanked!

speaking of scorn..

There was this little boy, Johnny, about 10 years old walking down the
>sidewalk dragging a "flattened" frog on a string behind him. He walked
>up to
>a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered
>it,
>she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
>
>He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the
>money
>and I'm not leaving until I do." The Madam figured, why not, so she
>told him
>to come in.
>
>Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do
>any
>of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no. He
>said, "I
>heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it
>with
>Amber. THAT'S the girl I want!"
>
>Since Johnny was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam
>told
>him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall
>dragging
>the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still
>dragging
>the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped
>him and
>asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease,
>instead
>of one of the others?"
>
>He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents
>are
>going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my baby-
>sitter.
>After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just
>happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that
>I just
>caught.
>
>When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the
>way,
>he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then
>when
>Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and
>have sex,
>and Mom will catch it.
>
>In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the
>milk,
>have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-
>bitch
>who ran over my FROG!"

Every day, Bob would claim that he knew everyone. One day, his boss got fed up and told Bob that if he didn't shut up or prove it, he was going to fire him. So Bob said he would prove it. He told his boss to name anyone in the whole world and together, they would go see that person.
Bob's boss, being a little sarcastic, replied, "Tom Cruise; I bet you don't know him!"
Bob said he did. So that afternoon, they hopped on a plane to Hollywood. Once they got there, they went straight to Tom's house. They rang the doorbell, and Tom answered it and said, "Hey Bob, come on in, I was just about to have some lunch. You and your friend are welcome to join me".

After they left Tom's house, Bob's boss looked at him and said, "Okay, so I just happened to name the one celebrity you know."
Bob replied, "Then name someone else if you don't believe me."
His boss said, "The President; I bet you don't know the President."
So Bob and his boss flew out to the White House. They were taking a tour when the President was going into one of his offices, looked up and saw Bob. The President said, "Hey Bob, what's going on?" He told the men to come into his office for a cup of joe. Once they had left the White House, Bob's boss turned to him and said, "It's all just a big coincidence."

Bob challenged his boss once again.
This time his boss tells him that there's no way he knows the Pope. Again, Bob claims he does, and with that they fly to Rome. The Pope was supposed to address the public fifteen minutes from then. There were hundreds of thousands of people there.
Bob told his boss that The Pope will never see him in the midst of all those people. So Bob told his boss that he knows the security guards, and when the Pope comes out to give his speech, he will join him on stage. Fifteen minutes later, the Pope came out on stage and there was Bob.

Bob made his way to the end of the stage, and went back out into the crowd. Bob noticed that the paramedics were circled around someone in the crowd. When Bob realized that it was his boss, he rushed to his side. He asked what happened, and one of the paramedics said that his boss had had a heart attack.
Bob asked his boss if the fact that he knew the Pope was too much to take, to which his boss replied, "No, that's not what got me. What got me was when you walked out with him, the guy next to me asked, 'Who's that up there with Bob?'." :biggrin:

It's almost spring time, girls are showing their belly buttons!!! :eek:

404, that is NOT happening. I didn't see that.

Oh, yes you did....you know you love those young girlies baring their midriffs.

...and i hear she's got a *foot* fetish. :D

Those thongs don't hold anything back. :rolleyes:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (runs)

Hey, is she reaching for a snack in that bag?

A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?" The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!" The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?"
"Because the shit is running down my back!" :eek:

:biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :thumbsup:

An alien space ship encounters an electromagnetic storm and crash lands near the Never land Ranch.
The desperate aliens leave the spacecraft in search of their destiny. Ahead they see a well-lit house with lots of children enjoying an amusement park.
The aliens said, " Look all the earthlings are the same size as we are and they are happy " They approached with confidence and said " Greetings we are here from another star system we need to talk to your leader "
A kid ran inside and grabbed Michael. The kid said " Hey look out there a whole field full of little aliens "
Michael smiled and said to himself " So they think they are the only ones who fly around this planet and probe little people " :ymca:

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had sex in quite some time. Despite a really good figure, sexy clothes, and a good sense of humor she hadn’t even had a date in months. She decided to seek the expertise of a feng shui sex therapist.

Her best friend referred her to Dr. Chang, down in Chinatown so she went to see him. Upon entering his office, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." Willing to try anything, the woman did as she was told.

"Get down on you hands and knees then craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "You haf bad probrem. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you no haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when you face rook Ed Zachary rike you ass."

First off- Hi all, my first post!!

This American commits several bank robberies and in order to stay out of jail he joins the French Foreign Legion. After his basic training he ends up out in the middle of the desert at tthis fort. The commandant is showing him around, answering questions and explaining his duties all day.

That night he hears these various sets of footsteps so he looks out his window. In the sand just outside the gate is a hut, and a soldier has his groin pressed up to the side of the hut and has this crazy grin on his face and moaning.

The next morning he grabs the commandant and asks him what the hell he saw!! The commandant replies "Since we aren't allowed female companionship during our stay inside the fort, they bend the rules by providing this hut, just outside the walls, so all you have to do to get relief is go up to the hut and stick your hardon in the hole and you will get the most amazing blowjob!"

The new recruit is freaking out and can hardly wait until nightfall. As soon as the coast is clear he runs up to the hut, sticks his tool in the hole and is rewarded by the best BJ he has had in years. He goes back the next night and 2 nights after, and each time is rewarded with satisfaction beyond his wildest fantasies. Then the fifth night he sticks his tool in the hole in eager anticipation, and nothing. He goes to bed disappointed, and the next morning he sees the commandant at breakfast.

He runs up to the Commandant and blurts out "Commandant, there must have been a problem there was no-one in the box last night."

The commandant looks at him, thinks for a second, then says "OOOOH that's right! I forgot to tell you that it was your turn in the box!!"

One day, a woman decides the go to the docter to see if he can help her improve her sex life. She asks the doctor if there is anything he could do so that her husband would have sex with her again.
The doctor says "Well, we do have a pill that will help, but before I give it to you, I have to warn you that you must follow the directions EXACTLY."
So she agrees, and he gives her the pills.
"How do I use them?"
"All you have to do is crush up one pill in his dinner the night you would like to have sex, but no more!"
So that night, she crushes up one pill in dinner and they have the best sex they had had in years.
The next night, she decides since the last night was so good, she would try two pills that night. Sure enough, the sex is even better!
The fourth night, she decides the doctor was exaggerating about the pills and puts in the rest of the bottle!
The next morning, a police officer recieves a call to the house and finds a boy crying on the porch.
"Son, what's wrong?"
Sobbing, the boy says "My mommys dead, my sisters knocked up, my butthole hurts, and my daddy is in the backyard saying 'here, kitty kitty kitty!'"