Those wouldn't be SAT or ACT questions. ;)

Probably standardized test question for NCLB! :lol:

It's funny, though.

I'm pretty sure they should have said filtration. :-)

"Give IM another chance!"

Another chance at what?

russian roulette?

I totally suck at russian roulette. I have trouble reading the number the marble lands in.

Oh, doh...just googled russian roulette. Yeah, I have trouble with that too, the barrel of the gun keeps pointing at other people. It's a LOT more fun that way. Wanna play?

Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.

The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini."

The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's
your IQ?"

The guy says," 168."

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and
medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious...So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini."

Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says,
"What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "100."

The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser and John Deere
tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it
one more time..

He goes back into the bar.

The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.

The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you
voted for Obama?

after three martinis my IQ drops about 100 points too.

Mixed up: Nascar belongs to the 50 IQ guy.

:eyebrow:

i heard it where the question is, 'how many cars you got out this month?'

need a good joke now...

why is that pig 3 legged?

Because he's too special to eat all at once!

In and around gun circles lives the legend of the mall ninja. It is a derogatory term for posers who load up on certain brands of clothing and gear and talk up their abilities. The term mall ninja really popped up and took traction on a message board years ago. I present you with the best consolidation of his posts I've yet to see.
Here's to you Gecko45

Serpentine! Serpentine!

That would have to be damned heavy.

Part two in the next post.

They got separated by a page break.

Part one in previous post, due to page break.

A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.

I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu.
Champagne, Shrimp cocktail, Lobster and a nice Puligny Montrachet followed by some Louis XIII.

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like this when you eat at home?"


"No," she replied. "but my mother's not expecting a blow job."


It was then that I offered her dessert.

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language in which a double positive can express a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

an oldie but goodie:

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons, nor prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into
motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to
slide from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck , but she slides
down the horse's side anyway
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from
the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now
at the mercy of the horse's
pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away
from unconsciousness when to her great fortune.....
Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.


And you thought all they did was say Hello.

----------------------
Two Minnesota mechanical engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walks by and asks what they were doing. 'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Sven, 'but we don't have a ladder. The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches, and walked away. Ollie shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a woman! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!' Sven and Ollie are currently working for the United States Forest Service.

True story:

At a dinner at a friend's house, I overheard his wife say, and I quote:

She was talking about tortillas. She has a quesadilla-maker.



ETA: I almost told her to spit on it...

I came across the following joke but I fail to see where it is funny :

If at all possible, can someone give me an explanation?

Since I don't get it, I hope it shouldn't be in the TASTELESS thread...

Temporarily suspending disbelief at two skeletons being animated and screwing, imagine the racket that dumping a bag of bones on a tin roof would cause. That's the whole thing.

So true

And that's when he farted.

I still don't see it as funny. It's lame.

Neither do I, it is lame.

Johnny Fuckerfaster.

No, it's not word ass. That's lame.

What's the cleanest shop in Pyongyang?


The Butcher shop.

How do you get an 80 year old church lady to yell "FUCK!"?










Get another 80 year old church lady sitting right next to her to yell "BINGO!"

THe other day, I was walking down the street when I saw a guy coming out of a well known brothel. Just as he started to walk, he crossed himself.

Out of curiosity, I went to him asking "Mister, you just made the sign of the Cross. Do you feel guilty about what you did where you were ?"

"Not at all" was he answered "I was just checking myself"

"My hat" touching his head
"My zipper" touching his crotch
"My wallet" left chest pocket
"My glasses" right chest pocket

That's not a joke, that's really how I learned it as a kid (for a play in which all characters were Catholics, not because I was one myself :).)

"Spectacles, testicles, watch, wallet."

I learned it as
Spectacles
Testicles
Watch
Wallet.

Or the priest and rabbi on the jet that had engine trouble...
Spectacles
Testicals
Money
And cigars

Original Owner
 

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THE WISDOM OF OUR GOVERNMENTAL AGENCIES????????

Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be
challenged with the task of tracing home titles back
potentially hundreds of years.
With a community rich with history stretching back over two
centuries, houses have been passed along through
generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult
to establish ownership. Here's a great letter an attorney
wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client:








You have to love this lawyer........


A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client.
He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove
satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as
collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803,
which took the lawyer three months to track down. After
sending the information to the FHA, he received the
following reply.



(Actual reply from FHA):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan
application, we note that the request is supported by an
Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in
which you have prepared and presented the application, we
must point out that you have only cleared title to the
proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final
approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the
title back to its origin."



Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
(Actual response):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received.
I note that you wish to have title extended further than the
206 years covered by the present application. I was unaware
that any educated person in this country, particularly those
working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana
was purchased by the United States from France in 1803, the
year of origin identified in our application. For the
edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the
land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which
had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land
came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made
in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher
Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a
new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella. The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about
titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the
blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance
Columbus's expedition.
Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus
Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted,
created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to
presume that God also made that part of the world called
Louisiana . God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and
His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the
world as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's
original claim to be satisfactory.
Now, may we have our xxxx loan?"


The loan was immediately approved

That's beautiful.

And then they fainted.

curious, Clod...

just exactly where do you reach to check your testicles...?

Very funny and about 30 years old too.

In my fanny pack, of course.

What do you call a frozen exam?

A testicle.

(I'll be here all week)

As a bus boy.

And *this* is what sprang immediately to mind....



Basil's reply at 5:50... he's not speaking Mr Clod's lines, is he?
:eek:

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach, when
suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the
Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I
will grant you one wish."


The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want."


The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic! Think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is
hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little
more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."



The biker thought about it for a long time.



Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand
women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when
she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when
she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."




The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge

A young , attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, "Major, when was the last time you had sex?"

"1956," was his reply. "No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Major, you need to get out more!"

"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch, ..."It's only 2014 now."

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat,
agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog and house
while they were away on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the dogs apart.


However, as she was drifting off to sleep,
she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.
She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together
and unable to disengage as frequently happens when dogs mate.

She was unable to separate them, and even though it was late,
she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing
will make the male lose his erection and he'll be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

I'm not really sure, but It just worked for me," he replied.

Why I'm Divorced



Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said, 'Good morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....
on the couch....
naked.

but, but.. why was he humping his dog?

I'm here all week.

May be a repost.

In honor of Arnold Schwartzenegger, a new 11th Commandment has been created. Be sure to write this one beneath the other 10:

“Thou Shalt Not Share Thy Rod with Thy Staff.”

We have a winner!!!

Five EMPTY chambers, one loaded.
Five EMPTY, one loaded.

Costco doctor!




One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and it'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy lifting. Your elbow will start to improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco."

That evening, while thinking about this new diagnostic device, Joe also began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

The next day, he mixed up a concoction: some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe went back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposited ten dollars, poured in the family cocktail, and waited.

The computer printed the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant with twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. Also: If you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.