Sundae's 'mouse cock' comment put this in mind:

Once there was a mouse who's sole fantasy in life was to make love to a woman. A real woman, a human woman. He was relating his fantasy to a rat bartender he knew, when the rat said, "Ya know, I can help ya out with that." The mouse says "Whaddya mean?" "Weeellll, I've been known to help out the odd traveling salesman, or whatever, who finds himself in need of companionship when in unfamiliar territory. Might be that I know a lady that might just help you out, if you've got the money." He said he had cash on hand, and to put him in touch with this helpful lady. The rat gives him a slip of paper with an address, "Tell her Nick sent ya.". And the mouse went away happy as a mouse about to get laid.

The mouse returns to the bar the next night. And, boy, did he look rough, like he'd been through the wringer. The rat says to him, "Man! Is your ass draggin'! You look like hell, how'd it go?"

The mouse looked up through ruffled fur and bloodshot eyes and said: "Nick, between kissin' and fuckin', I musta ran 600 miles last night."

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I'm gonna use this one the next time we play "doctor".

One night a police officer named Mike returned home at 3:00 a.m. after working the graveyard shift. He opened the door to the bedroom quietly and took off his clothes in the dark and got in bed with his wife.

As soon as he settled in she said, “Honey, can you go over to the drug store and pick me up some aspirin?”

Mike agreed to go, got dressed in the dark, and walked over to the drug store. When he got to the drug store, he got the aspirin and went up to the desk so that the clerk could ring it up.

The clerk looked at him for a moment and asked, “Say, aren’t you Mike Murphy?”
Mike answered him and said, “Yes I am.”

The clerk looked puzzled and asked, “Well, aren’t you a police officer?”
And again Mike replied yes.

The clerk scratched his head for a second and said, “Then why are you dressed like the fire chief?”

Following on from gravigr's joke ...

Not content with some Human lovin', the randy mouse had one more fantasy to live out. He wanted to have sex with an elephant. so, off he went to the zoo, where he spent hours lurking around the elephant enclosure, plotting, scheming, trying to figure out how he could get a chance with the amazingly sexy she-elephant.

As he watched, a rat approached. The rat was Rick, Nick's cousin, and he was well connected at the zoo. The two got talking and a few minutes later, the deal was done. Cash passed from paw to paw, and Rick scurried off to arrange things with the elephant keeper.

A few minutes later the she-elephant was led into the holding pen out the back, and Rick appeared, waving the mouse in. In he went, climbed up the elephant's leg, and got straight to work. The elephant just rolled her eyes and ignored it as best she could.

In the next enclosure was a monkey, sitting near the top of a tree, holding a coconut. As he looked over the wall, he saw the mouse frantically humping the elephant, and began to laugh. He laughed so hard he eventually dropped his coconut, and it bounced of the wall and hit the elephant clean on the head, THWACK!

The elephant yelled out "OOOooowwwww!!!!"

The mouse yelled "take it all, bitch!"

Ha!! I heard the same joke, but, the punchline was different, instead of 'Take it all, bitch!', the mouse said "Did I hurt ya, honey?"

The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

What do a Christmas tree and a catholic priest have in common?





Balls are for ornament purpose only.

Breakup Excuses...
16 "Ow... I banged my head! That really hurt! Hey... who are YOU?"

15 "I'm sorry, but there just isn't room in my life right now for both you and my vibrator."

14 "I've got this disease... it's called herpigonasyphalaids. Very contagious."

13 "You're too young for me. I mean, too *old*. We're the same age? Well, that doesn't work for me, either."

12 "We're just so different, you and I. You're an extrovert, I'm an introvert. I like classical, you like heavy metal. And of course *I'm* not a physically repulsive raving psychopath."

11 "You've gone from 'sponge-worthy' to merely 'spongy.'"

10 "Dear Christine: By the time you read this I'll be a woman..."

9 "I have early-onset onanism."

8 "You're no longer the wealthy, gullible, and desperately lonely man I fell in love with."

7 "My penis, uh, fell off, and I, er, lost it... yeah-- on the subway, I think."

6 "Less filling? LESS FILLING??? I don't even know who you ARE anymore!"

5 "My dog is having puppies and I need to take a year off in order to train them to attack your picture."

4 "It's not *you*, it's me. Specifically, me would like to sleep with your sister."

3 "I had lunch at the Hunan Palace today and according to the place mat, you're a snake and I'm a mongoose."

2 "We just don't have anything in common anymore -- you're a morning person, and I want to see your severed head impaled on a steel railroad spike."

1 "I'm holding you back from all the other lives you could be ruining."

Brings to mind this song:

Vanilla Ice Cream - Stephen Lynch

Have a seat and listen, please don't say a thing
The matters of the heart sometimes, the truth will have a sting
Just don't take it personally, this is no attack
But we will never last because I am white and you are...also white

I only like black girls the brown girls, the café au lait
Caramel girls, and mocca girls just blow me away
If you're a nubian, I want you to-be in every fantasy
But if you're a whitey, say nighty-nighty, your just not the girl for me

Oh I hate vanilla ice cream, I like chocolate instead
I hope she likes her soul food with a little Wonder Bread
Don't call it Jungle Fever cause that just isn't right
I am not a racist; some of my best friends are white

I just prefer black girls, the brown girls, the café au lait
The caramel girls and mocca girls just blow me away.
If you're a cracker, you better get blacker or else you best get out
It is no mystery, I like a sister see that's what I'm talkin about

Our wedding song will be "Ebony and Ivory"
and we'll sing Christmas carols round the old Kwanzaa tree
But color is not the issue here, it's dignity, it's class
It's all about her heart, okay it's partly about that ass
I want me some black girl, the brown girl, the café au lait
The caramel girls, and mocca girls, just blow me away
If you're a honky, you're singin the wrong key, it's the honest truth
The skin that she's dwellin in, must contain melanin, that is the Fountain of Youth.

Yes. No. Wait...

Possibly.

Cookies by Douglas Adams (author: "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy")

(Excerpted from "The Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time" by Douglas Adams)

I sort of felt I had heard it before, but the punchline still got to me...
then came the sympathy line for the other guy.

Oh man, what a great story.:thumb2:

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and S**** for Brains.

EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irishman
staring at him, he looks down and says:
'7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles,
Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him and says,
'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says,
'What EXACTLY did you say to me?

The big dude says,
'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers
to the questions everyone always asks me......
I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 pounds, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds
and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman says:
'Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,
'Turn around!

The class was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible
for a college class and the instructions were that it had to discuss
Religion, Sexuality and Mystery. The only one who received an A+ wrote the
following:





Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it.

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, “WOW, I just can’t believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction.”

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, “You’re hallucinating, You’ve finally lost your mind.”

But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.

One said to the other, “You know, we’ve been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman.



It’s been such a long, long time….So … do you think we should … well … you know … screw her?”

“Out of WHAT?!?” asked the other.

Little Davie attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse"s legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Davie asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I"m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Billy, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom!"

The Douglas Adams' story is one he used to tell - he told it as happening to him, but he also wrote it into So Long and Thanks For All the Fish*. But of course with biscuits instead of cookies. And he died before CNN was available to Brits. And it's apocryphal anyway.

But even in a bastardised form it still makes me smile.

*

...and if the mailman weren't there to hold her down, we would have lost her.

What did the Jewish Pedophile say?











Buy some candy, little girl?

Lol as Sky... that was good.

Two pedophiles are sitting on a park bench, when an eight year old girl walks by. The first pedophile says "God! Would you look at the body on her?" The other says "Yeah, she must've really been something in her day."

The Sunday school teacher asked the class "Which part of you goes to heaven first?"

Little Johnny said "Your feet."

The teacher asked "Why do say that, Johnny?"

Johnny said "Cause the other day I saw Dad trying to hold Mama down on the couch, and her feet were in the air, and she was hollering 'Oh God, I'm coming, I'm coming!"

Ladies/Gents,


Sex and Good English

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The

certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby

reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile

dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to
the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him,
and
with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine, and
it
must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'

When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in

your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How
do I
stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does,
the
medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,
shaved,
took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him
in
the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said,
"1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she

asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"



And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with
a
preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

FOOTBALL AND THE BLONDE......
Out of all the blonde jokes, this has to be one of the best!

Football FINALLY makes sense..........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand
why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like....

Helloooooo?

It's only 25 cents!!!!!!!!!!!

Funny one Merc ^

http://images.free-extras.com/photo/...s_this-113.jpg

Thank you Andy Griffith (and your big orange draynk)

Saying that Java is good because it works on all platforms is like saying anal sex is good because it works on all genders.

and your point is...?

As a programmer I found it funny. It made me laugh.

That's all.

Ditto

Making the rounds, team interchangeable. You can try to stop me if you've heard it but your best bet is to stop reading it:

The Afghan Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Cleveland Browns. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan .. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Browns go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Cleveland!!

About those pants.

KNOW YOUR SHIT! You will be tested.

Ghost Shit
You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.

Teflon Coated Shit
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!

Gooey Shit
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

Second Thought Shit
You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit
This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Shit
You shit so much you lose 5 kilos.

Right Now Shit
You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.

King Kong or Commode Choker Shit
This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house.

Wet Cheeks Shit
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.

Wish Shit
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!

Cement Block or Oh God Shit
You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit.

Snake Shit
This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.

Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit)
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house.

Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers)
You'll know it's alright to eat again when your asshole stops burning.

Beer Drunk Shit
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house.

The Frightened Turtle
The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in

The Bungee Shit
The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.

The Ring of Fire Shit
The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.

The Crippler
The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Big Bobber
The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.

The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Incredible Hulk Shit
The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.

The Jack the Ripper Shit
The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.

The Party Pooper
The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

The Toxic Gas Shit
The kind of shit that makes you pass out and fall off the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.

Dirty Bowl Shit
The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

The Windy City Shit
When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit.

Oh Shit! Shit
You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT!

The Never Ending Shit
It's the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Ouch That Hurt Shit
The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.

A good story for the holiday seasons....

Subject: Clumsy Shoplifter Injured in Fall

November 27, 2010

Associated Press

AUGUSTA, Ga. - A U.S. Marine reservist collecting toys for children was stabbed when he helped stop a suspected shoplifter in eastern Georgia.

Best Buy sales manager Orvin Smith told The Augusta Chronicle that man was seen on surveillance cameras Friday putting a laptop under his jacket at the Augusta store.

When confronted, the man became irate, knocked down an employee, pulled a knife and ran toward the door. Outside were four Marines collecting toys for the service branch's "Toys For Tots" program.

Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of them, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back. The cut did not appear to be severe.

The suspect was transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken leg, possible broken ribs, assorted lacerations and bruises he obtained when he fell trying to run after stabbing the Marine.

The suspect, whose name was not released, was held until police arrived. The Richmond County Sheriff's office said it is investigating.



Rick Smythe Chaplain Marine Corps League St Charles County Detachment 725

Don't fuck with Zippyt or his pals.

To Be 6 Again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to
have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall
of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted.


He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six
again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you freaking retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna
get it wrong.

Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'


She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, dear, it's called sexual intercourse.’ ‘Oh,’ Little Tony said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.



A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

Welcome to the Internet
 

No one here likes you.

We're going to offend, insult, abuse, and belittle the living hell out of you. And when you rail against us with "FUCK YOU YOU GEEK WIMP SKATER GOTH LOSER PUNK FAG BITCH!1!!", we smile to ourselves. We laugh at you because you don't get it. Then we turn up the heat, hoping to draw more entertainment from your irrational fuming.

We will judge you, and we will find you unworthy. It is a trial by fire, and we won't even think about turning down the flames until you finally understand.

Some of you are smart enough to realize that, when you go online, it's like entering a foreign country ... and you know better than to ignorantly fuck with the locals. You take the time to listen and think before speaking. You learn, and by learning are gladly welcomed.

For some of you, it takes a while, then one day it all dawns on you - you get it, and are welcomed into the fold.

Some of you give up, and we breathe a sigh of relief - we didn't want you here anyway. And some of you just never get it. The offensively clueless have a special place in our hearts - as objects of ridicule. We don't like you, but we do love you.

You will get mad. You will tell us to go to hell, and call us "nerds" and "geeks". Don't bother ... we already know exactly what we are. And, much like the way hardcore rap has co-opted the word "nigger", turning an insult around on itself to become a semiserious badge of honor, so have we done.

"How dare you! I used to beat the crap out of punks like you in high school/college!" You may have owned the playing field because you were an athlete. You may have owned the student council because you were more popular. You may have owned the hallways and sidewalks because you were big and intimidating. Well, welcome to our world.

Things like athleticism, popularity, and physical prowess mean nothing here. We place no value on them ... or what car you drive, the size of your bank account, what you do for a living or where you went to school.

Allow us to introduce you to the concept of a "meritocracy" - the closest thing to a form of self-government we have. In The United Meritocratic nation-states of the Internet, those who can do, rule. Those who wish to rule, learn. Everyone else watches from the stands.

You may posses everything in the off-line world. We don't care. You come to the Internet penniless, lacking the only thing of real value here: knowledge.

"Who cares? The Internet isn't real anyway!" This attitude is universally unacceptable. The Internet is real. Real people live behind those handles and screen names. Real machines allow it to exist. It's real enough to change government policy, real enough to feed the world's hungry, and even, for some of us, real enough to earn us a paycheck. Using your own definition, how "real" is your job? Your stock portfolio? Your political party? What is the meaning of "real", anyway?

Do I sound arrogant? Sure ... to you. Because you probably don't get it yet.

If you insist on staying, then, at the very least, follow this advice:

1) No one, ESPECIALLY YOU, will make any law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

2) Use your brain before ever putting fingers to keys.

3) Do you want a picture of you getting anally raped by Bill Clinton while you're performing oral sex on a cow saved to hundreds of thousands of people's hard drives? No? Then don't put your fucking picture on the Internet. We can, will, and probably already HAVE altered it in awful ways. Expect it to show up on an equally offensive website.

4) Realize that you are never, EVER going to get that, or any other, offensive web page taken down. Those of us who run those sites LIVE to piss off people like you. Those of us who don't run those sites sometimes visit them just to read the hatemail from fools like you.

5) Oh, you say you're going to a lawyer? Be prepared for us to giggle with girlish delight, and for your lawyer to laugh in your face after he explains current copyright and parody law.

6) The Web is not the Internet. Stop referring to it that way.

7) We have already received the e-mail you are about to forward to us. Shut up.

8) Don't reply to spam. You are not going to be "unsubscribed".

9) Don't ever use the term "cyberspace" (only William Gibson gets to say that, and even he hasn't really used it for two or three books now). Likewise, you prove yourself a marketing-hype victim if you ever use the term "surfing".

10) With one or two notable exceptions, chat rooms will not get you laid.

11) It's a hoax, not a virus warning.

12) The internet is made up of thousands of computers, all connected but owned by different people. Learn how to use *your* computer before attempting to connect it to someone else's.

13) The first person who offers to help you is really just trying to fuck with you for entertainment. So is the second. And the third. And me.

14) Never insult someone who's been active in any group longer than you have. You may as well paint a damn target on your back.

15) Never get comfortable and arrogant behind your supposed mask of anonymity. Don't be surprised when your name, address, and home phone number get thrown back in your smug face. Hell, some of us will snail-mail you a printed satellite photograph of your house to drive the point home. Realize that you are powerless if this happens ... it's all public information, and information is our stock and trade.

16) No one thinks you are as cool as you think you are.

17) You aren't going to win any argument that you start.

18) If you're on AOL, don't worry about anything I've said here. You're already a fucking laughing stock, and there's no hope for you.

19) If you can't take a joke, immediately sell your computer to someone who can. RIGHT NOW.

Pissed off? It's the TRUTH, not these words, that hurts your feelings. Don't ever even pretend like I've gone & hurt them.

We don't like you. We don't want you here. We never will. Save us all the trouble and go away.

Sent to me by a dweller...

What do you call a fish with no eye?

Fsh.

What do you do to wake up Lady Gaga?




You poke her face...

from my friend's facebook via his 13 year old son:


What color does a Smurf turn when you choke it?

Ha! My friend's younger brother told me once he had a job as a lifeguard, but some "blue kid" got him fired.

oh dayum

Women should not have children after 35.

35 children are plenty.

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/images/i-swallow.jpg

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/images/smelly-dorm.jpg

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/images/dragonball.jpg

fuck. sitting at my desk crying... I have to stop reading them.

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa’s flying skills to the test…The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolph’s nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa’s weight and balance calculations for the sled’s enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa’s surprise, a shotgun.

“What’s that for?!?” asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, “I’m not supposed to tell you this ahead of time,” as he leaned over to whisper in Santa’s ear, “but you’re gonna lose an engine on takeoff.”

:D

GOOD GOD! MAKE IT STOP I CAN'T BREATHE!

There are over 160 pages of this shit and I can't make it past page 16! UNCLE! I surrender, please. I'm scaring the dogs and probably the neighbors with the insane howling laughter.

....

<breathe>

ok.... ok....


jeebus.