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ha!
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yah, that was the one that made me post it.....
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I was reading in the paper today about this midget that got pickpocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low? |
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The headline read "Small Medium at Large.". |
The Top 10 reasons why a handgun is better than a woman
#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s. #9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road. #8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times. #7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup. #6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo. #5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space. #4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month. #3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?" #2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it. AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN . . . #1 - You can buy a silencer for a handgun. |
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NSFW
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A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP..... He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping. clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... on his heels, as the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket... and, (hopefully you're ready for this!!!) The coffin stops. |
Oldie but goodie, Sheldon!
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For The Grammar Nazis
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It seems to me that English has the same problems as French.
More and more people loose their spelling because they're lazy and refuse to exert themselves. I once saw the French word "orthographe" ("spelling" in English) spelled "ortograf". the writer was a French student in French literature. Not so funny... |
My 3rd grade son is learning the its, it's, your, you're rules this week. He mostly gets them. This is 3rd grade stuff.
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An awful lot of people must have skipped 3rd grade. :haha:
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http://cellar.org/attachment.php?att...1&d=1287972047
"You're more retarded than a dog with Downs" is very funny. Unfortunately, it's also incorrect. "Down Syndrome" or "Down's syndrome", according to wiki. |
When our civilization is sifted for relics by archaeologists of the 57th century, I'm convinced one of the great mysteries of our language will be the word "fuck," which will defy interpretation due to its use in so many different contexts.
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All Women Are Angels
In case you didn't know
All women are angels And when someone breaks our wings.... We simply continue to fly.... On a broomstick.... We are flexible like that. ;) |
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An old gnu was in a zoo.
A new gnu came. The old gnu asked the new gnu the news. But the new gnu knew no news. A bit tricky for pronounciation... |
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Paddy is passing by Dan’s barn one day when through a gap in the door he sees Donald doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right rubber boot, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his suspenders fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers. Grabbing both sides of his checkered shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay. ‘What on earth are you doing Dan’, says Paddy. ‘Jayzuz Paddy, ye frightened the livin’ shit out of me’ says an obviously embarrassed Donald. ‘Me and the missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.’ |
Amazon offers a product called the Wheelmate Steering Wheel Desk Tray. I don't think it's intended to be used while driving, but click on the customer images for a chuckle.
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The reviews are good, too.
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Oh lawd, didn't see the reviews before (but loved the pics)
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@Spex and Nirvana
Although I LOL'd, I would like to remind you that the political jokes need to go in a different thread. Please use the "funny political pictures" thread or similar. Just don't want there to end up being a war of political cartoons in this thread. |
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MTP is right, post 3757, and 3755, should really go here.
I won't move them, but keep that option in mind for future posts. |
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.” “But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested. “Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!” Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”http://dh-img.com/s/mockery-035.gif
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Groan. :facepalm:
Well ok, it was funny. |
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Everybody loses... :lol:
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Well, the obvious solution is to find the guy who knocked up Mrs Maus and give him the job.
Wait a minute, MR MAUS???? Is his name Mickey by any chance? :eyebrow: |
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Mickey: I didn't say she was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy. |
:lol:
Nicely played! |
Seen elsewhere on the net...
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har!
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Why aren't you bitching that Pete's joke should be in the political humor thread?
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Wasn't directed at you, Pete. I really don't care. I thought it was funny.
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Shouldn't that be in the sports humor thread?
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You must have missed her bitching at me when the joke was about Obama.
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That wasn't my concern, several people have inserted political jokes from time to time. I was pointing out we have a thread for the political "humor" pictures.
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There is a thread for the political pictures, and I think its been asked repeatedly that this thread not get political. Political jokes one way or another contribute to that. Sure, its impossible not to offend certain people, but just try to keep the flame wars contained. Since this thread is for jokes: http://zs1.smbc-comics.com/comics/20101026.gif |
Ah! I have lost the count of "Customers will buy a more powerful server".
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A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, ‘I’m going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, ’99′. The guy obeys and says, ’99′. The doctor says, ‘Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, ’99.’ Again, the guy says, ’99.’ The doctor said, ‘Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I’m going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I’m going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, ’99.’ The guy begins, ‘One .. Two ….. Three’. |
Mr. Perkins come down to my place this mornin', and asked me if I would build him a new privy. I said, "Mr. Perkins, where was you aimin' for to build it?" He said, "To the side of the lot, by the lilacs. And that'll be real pleasant in the spring." Well I said, "Mr. Perkins, It's your privy." And I got so far as the floor-boards when Mr Perkins come out and he said, "Sy, I've been thinkin' some more about this privy. And if it's to the side of the lot by the lilacs, it's gonna be awful far in the winter. If it was over this side of the lot by the chestnuts, it'd be much more convenient in them cold winter months." Well I said, "Mr. Perkins, It's your privy." Well I got so far as the roofin' and Mr. Perkins come out and he said, "Sy, I've been thinkin' some more about this privy of mine. And it seems to me if it's this side of the lot by the chestnuts, what with the prevailing wind being south south-west, and the house standin' just nor nor-east of that privy, it's gonna be awful uncomfortable for the lady folks in the kitchen during the summer months. So I think if we had this privy half-way between the lilacs and the chestnuts, then neither would it be too far in the winter nor too close in the summer." Well I said, "Mr. Perkins, It's your privy." Well I got so far as what you might call the interior decorating, when Mr. Perkins come out, and he was all het up. And he said, "Consarn it Sy! I told you from the very start that I wanted a two-hole privy and there you've gone ahead and framed it up as a one-holer." Well I said, "Mr. Perkins, It's your privy and I don't want to seem to be dictating to you or nothing like that, but it seemed to me that if I'd framed it up as a two holer, and you'd come out to it some night shall we say 'Pressed for Time'... before you made up your mind which one of them two holes to set on it'd be too late, that's all." |
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