Five surgeons are discussing while taking a meal together:
1st: "I love to open accountants. Everything inside is numbered."
2nd: "You should see electricians. All the parts are color coded. You can't get wrong."
3rd: "As for myself, I prefer librarians. It's all sorted by alphabetical order."
4th (laughing): "I like mechanics. They understand why you still have bits and pieces around after you have finished the job."
5th: "Actually, the easiest guys to open are the politicians. No heart, no brain, no spine. Best of all, head and asshole are interchangeable."

Old Timer Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says with a wink, 'I remember it well..'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see this. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walk along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. They get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is . He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know..

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, amazed, thinks to himself, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Still shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

Q: What's the difference between a tie and a cow's tail?






A: The cow's tail completely hides the asshole...

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean
they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a
mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming
pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be
mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad
news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person
you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt
right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry...
How soon can I go home?'

OMG Sheldonrs that site is so f^%ing funny! :p:

Who's your Daddy?
 

The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support
Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,' or
putting it another way... Who's your Daddy? These are
genuine excerpts from the forms.




1.
Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia
was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley. I am unsure as to the identity of the
father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same
night.

2.
I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my
child as I was being sick out the window when I was taken unexpectedly from
behind. I can provide you with a list of names of gentemens that I
think was at the party if that helps.

3.
I do not know the name of the father of my little Lokeesha.
She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I
had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was
so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the
father, can you please send me his phone number?
Thanks.

4.
I don't knows the identity of the father of my daughter.
He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of
the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in
this area and see if he had it replaced.

5.
I swear I have never had sex with a man. I am still a
Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my
son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver done risen again.

6.
I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me
that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic
implications for his economy. I am torn between doing right by me and right by him.
What do I do?

7.
I do not know who the father of my child was as they all looks
the same to me.

8.
Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you
do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
Child B who was also borned at the same time..... well,
I don't have a clue.

9.
From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at
Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
.

10.
So much about that night is a blur. The only thing
that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier
in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather
than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained
unfertilized.

11.
I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby. After
all, its like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you
fart.

haggis! I don't know if it's real or not but that is freaking funny! :)

I don't think they're real. Black people don't own AC/DC cds

Not everyone who lives in Detroit is black.

I used to live there.

Well now we know who the daddy is! :p:

But now you don't so they are.

Srsly, who would write "axe"? Only a white person wanting a laugh.

Also, Delia Smith? I think it was written by a Silly Twit Brit.

:p:

Still: I'm a virginian.

Hahhahahahhaaaa

Jesus slammed down 3 nails on the counter of the hotel and asked: “Can you put me up for the night?”

Four Religious Truths

During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these four religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."

"I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."

"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.

"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."

That should be in the tasteless jokes thread. if it has to be here at all. It's a fucking chain letter for allah's sake. I bet you'd like the emporor's new suit too. :rolleyes:

"This message has been deleted by classicman. Reason: monnie's whining AGAIN "

If you think you're right, have some balls and stick up for yourself. You moved it because you know I'm right. You're a snivelling xenophobic yesman.

Oh fuck right on off MONNIE. There was and still is no reason for you to be such a bitch about everything. Ferfuxache.

Ouch, I'm hurt!

I have to admit, that's the first funny thing you've posted in here for a while :lol:

(Oh shit, i'mm'a get banned now.....)

one can always have hope and change :neutral:

You need change? here, I have a canadian dime and a couple of nickels. Now piss off and bother someone more gullible.

you started it ya 40 year old wretch.

BAN BOTH OF THESE MOTHERPLUCKERS!!!1

P.S. lol @ Merc's post (Hooters = code speak for the strip club)

Ban your ass without your drums.

In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's bladder.

In 1873 the British refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the goat first.

I saw my new doctor today, boy she is HOT. I could hardly stop staring at her boobs. She told me I have to stop masturbating though. I asked, "Why?" and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

That sounds like Rodney Dangerfield...

Take my wife............Please.

Some of 'em LOL. Really

Does, doesn't it? Where are the comedians of yesteryear?

Doing speedballs and dying young.

I was gonna say, they dead, fool.

OK, huh what? Well, we covered Belushi. WTF does that have to do with Dangerfield?

Leave the humor to the funny people? kthx

I hope to see the suds flow down by Galway Bay, sometime soon.;)

How bout Freddy Prinze, Mitch Hedberg, Chris Farley & Sam Kinnison ... just to get things started.

Safety Tip #12 for the coming Zombie Apocalypse:

Know your enemy.

You know what vegan zombies want, don't you?





























































Graaaaaiiiinnzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Maybe they'll find Mussolini and zombify him.

He'd make the brains run on time...

Butt Measurements

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: 'Your butt is getting really big,

I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.'

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

'Yes,
I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!'

The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.

He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
'What's wrong?' he asks.

She answers: 'Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?

Hah!

Monster Island
 

This is one of my favorite Cartoons

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

A mom was cleaning her son's bedroom & found bondage & fetish mags. She asks her husband what to do. He replies 'whatever u do don't f****n spank him!'

The huge college freshman figured he'd try out for the football team.
"Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

This has probably been posted already but it's worth another run.

Blasphunny:

A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light.
The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer
Demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The
Motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's
Ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in
The lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.
He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy
Signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy
Points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember
That you're an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad
Driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer
To represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man
Run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks;
"Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature
And mine, same number at the top.
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this
Ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir?
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"
"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!"

He said She said ,,,,,,,,

He said to me ..... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him ..... You wear underwear don't you?

He said to me ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said.... That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart.

He said to me.... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him ..... They don't have time.

He said to me..... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him ..... I don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me..... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good-looking?
I said to him ..... They already have boyfriends.

He said.....What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said..... A widow.

He said to me..... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him ..... Single women come home, check the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

:D

Nice to see you again, tora.

Good to see you too