Well I don't know what's wrong with me. Spent most of the time in tears at the PT. Don't feel balanced even though my balance test was great, vision feels fucked even though it's fine. I guess I'm too old to pull off 4.5 hours of sleep. but it's not like I wasn't well-rested until last night. And I'M NOT OLD! :( Can I join you in a corner somewhere, infi?

yes, I know post-stroke depression via that omnisavant wikipedia editorial collective

but I'm getting shit done and I do have purpose and I am interested in life, I just can't stop damn well crying and feeling sorry for myself. And I can't make shit better.

...maybe i was just more fond of maggie than i thought, eh? ;)

It's the Maggie/Annette combo, I'm sure. I suppose it's the earth maintaining balance in the eternal battle between good and evil...

Infi, I wouldn't be too sure about unemployment being denied if you quit. Sometimes when there are mitigating circumstances you'll get it.

Maybe I should look into that. I hadn't thought of it. Surely with my mental health issues, and the physical issues that the mental issues lead to...

Thanks.

Infi, what would happen if you (a) stopped giving a shit and (b) started refusing to do any part of your job you don't feel like.

Psycho Bitch: Bring me a provisional report on the blah blah process (even though it's a huge amount of effort for no benefit to anyone except the power tripping bitch.)

Old Monkey: Oh, okay [works madly and bottles up resentment]

New Monkey: No. [gives good reasons which are ignored]

Alternate Monkey: Sure. [Goes and writes email to psycho bitch and CC's management and an independent legal firm, announcing you're not doing it because it is a stupid pointless waste of time, and not what was in your job description.]

Serious question ... why is it financially so hard to leave? do you have a mortgage?

Yeah, I'm already beginning to respond to any complaints with, "Oh yeah? What kind of film do you use?"

I would like to be Alternate Monkey. I felt I was doing good telling my story to a wig o' big in a meeting. I said that I would keep telling my story until someone heard me or they let me go. That felt a bit like standing up for myself.

Have my weekly meeting this morning, where I get to be confused and nervous.

My 'helper' The Sidler has been very helpful in many ways, but I know that he is making himself look good in hopes of grabbing this job when it's free. He keeps doing research on different reports he thinks will help...what I can't do is tell him I've looked at all those reports and right now, as we were told, we need to keep fixing stuff. But if he finds a better way then great.

My cap is over on April 22. Maybe the next day I can surprise my 'rents on their 53rd wedding anniversary with news of my 'detachment from employment.'

In short: I don't have a mortgage but I have bills. The family pressure is there, too. And I'm not brave. I might be more brave except for that nagging feeling that I suck, and if I didn't suck so bad everything would be fine. And this is the 'best' job I've ever had, in terms of compensation and benefits. Those things mean much to a single middle-aged woman.

Going over to read "15 reasons you might be feeling bad."

1) you do not suck
2) you are brave, but also cautious. This is not a stupid combination. think cats vs dogs.
3) yes, i just did :D

Thanks. :)

You are in the kind of job at the kind of level you are at, because of a number of reasons, none of which involve any kind of suckage whatsoever.

I'll throw in a few suggestions as to possible reasons, based on what I have learned of you over the years.

1. You are drawn to an employment environment where you are actually able to, in whatever small way, make life a bit easier for someone who would otherwise struggle (such as students who need help financing their studies).
2. You are not a bitch. You are not equipped to play the bitchy, bitey, organisation-be-damned self-serving, stamp the fingers on the rung below arseholery needed to be a [quote] success [/unquote] in the kind of organisation you are in.
3. You took a little while to figure out what sort of things actually matter to you and make you happy, because you didn't fit an arbitrarily defined set of dimensions for 'success'.

and 4. You give a shit. And it's hard to just keep quiet and carry on when you see arseholes breaking the fabric of the organisation with their petty fiefdom biulding and managerial incompetence. This means you don't generally get the arsehole managers on your side.

None of that reflects badly on you.

I just had a meeting with the Int Dir and head of HR. Questions fired at me: well why NOT?

Because this, because that, I tried this...

I got the condescending crap, the incredulous look. ID told HR the Sidler is helping because he has a very special skill set.

No, I have that skill set. He has time. He has them convinced he is here to save the day.

I almost walked out. As it is I'm crying uncontrollably and shaking and humiliated.

THey're still in there, talking about how crazy I am, I'm sure. Diversity doesn't really mean anything unless it's in terms of race or even a disablity they can visually see, can touch. It couldn't be possible that I am, and have been overwhelmed. It couldn't be possible that my ex boss treated people like shit, with short sharp answers that don't lead anywhere except to make you feel stupid.

So the sidler has a skill set? I got more skill than he'll ever know. I'm just in the most fucked-up situation and I'm back to square one: I am nothing. I am not doing my job. I am not as 'talented' as those who have time to chat all day.

I can't put any of this into words any more than I can organize my words when I am being beat down like that. They put it like they're trying to help you 'succeed' but I don't know how that can be when they won't listen.

I've excelled at almost every job I've ever done. Now I'm like the office idiot and the real office idiot is a god among men.

I'm so ashamed.

Maybe you should just ask them to fire you. Seriously.

It's all lies and crap. I almost told them to fire me. Maybe they are planning to right now. Do it. Because right now all I can think about is making myself hurt more than they've made me hurt.

I'm the weakest person on earth. I was sure I was in a place where I was making them understand. I felt stronger. But they have the power to put me back into my place. I can't fucking quit. I just can't. I know many here think I should and goddam it would be liberating but I can't do it.

I'd love to tell them to let wonder child do it all. I'd love to yell from the rooftops that I am more than a capable human being. But maybe I'm not anymore.

I see my psych on Friday. I might ask about some options.

Monkey, did you have an advocate &/or moral support person with you in that meeting? Bring one. Introduce them as your attorney.

Or consider the following.

I would definitely insist on taking the holidays I was owed. Just put in a formal request for leave, starting on whatever chosen day, give them a week's notice and if they try and say no, that it is not a good time right now, then ask them when would be? As in the specific dates.