It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to
loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more
than just a social thinker. I began to think alone --"to relax," I told myself
-- but I knew it wasn't true.

Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all
the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment
don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I
would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we
are doing here?" I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker.

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Man, I like you, and it hurts me to
say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop
thinking on the job, you'll have to find other employment."

This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with
the boss. "Sweetheart," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you have," she said, starting to cry, "and if you don't stop, I'll want
a divorce!"

"But dear, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said through her rolling tears. "You think as much as
college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep
on thinking we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry again.

I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the
door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with NPR on the
radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors. They
didn't open: the library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power
was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the
unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye.

"Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's
Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA
meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was
Porky's Revenge. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since
the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.

Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

Soon, I will be able to vote Republican.

Death of a Senator


A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the guy.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening attire. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St.Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

He reflects for a minute, then the senator answers, "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...Today you voted for us!"




One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," the wife replied, "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Minnesota Vikings."

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern.

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together, over 50 years ago? We went behind this tavern, then you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."

"Yes, she says "I remember it well"

OK he says, how about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it again for old time's sake?

Ooooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea, she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks "I've got to see this - two old timers having sex against a fence!"

So, he follows them - they walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get around back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skits, takes her panties down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen year olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She is yelling "Ohhhhh, God! and he is hanging onto her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.


Finally, they both collapse panting onto the ground.

The policeman is amazed. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman thinks, "I've got to ask him what his secret is."

As the couple pass by he says to them "That was something else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

No, there is no secret the old man says except that fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electrified!!!!

A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list.

"Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still
need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon
paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"

"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they have
covertly funded a project with U.S. auto makers for the past five years
whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive
pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the
circumstances in the last 15 seconds before a crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of
drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

Only the state of West Virginia was different, where 89.3 percent of the
final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!

Congratulations. You are among the select few to preview the slogan on next year's A & F sweat shirts. :D

Snappy Answers
 

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said,
"Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day", the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could". When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, " Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."


A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" answered the blond."They're watch dogs!"


A pompous minister was seated next to a TEXAN on a flight to Dallas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The TEXAN asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The TEXAN looked at the minister, then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."

:)

Lawyers...Good for something *G*
 

Guess what I found in Walmart las night:

a toilet seat that said "satisfaction guarranteed"

Funny Torrere!

Ok..Ive got one

How many cynics does it take to change a lightbulb?

Oh you probably wouldn't get it anyway.....

An airplane was about to crash; there were five passengers on board, and
only four parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA player in
basketball. The Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the
first pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, Hilary Clinton said, "I am the wife of a former U S
President, a senator from New York, and a potential future president, AND I
am the smartest woman in American history, so American people don't want me
to die." So she took the second pack and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I am a senator and a decorated war
hero of the USA,; I am also my party's nominee for President." So he
grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.

The 4th passenger, President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a
10 year old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country
well. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The girl said "That's okay, there's a parachute left for you. America's
smartest woman took my schoolbag."

You know; I've never seen a person so depressed since the elephant sat on the farmer's wife.
(punchline drumroll)

Depressesd?

oh, well, that was not a very good one. how about this one:

Y'all know what is a Volskvagen? (pauses for answer) Ok, How many elephants can you fit into one? Five, 2 in the front, 3 in the back... but wait that is not the joke. Why the giraffes did not went to the movies. (scroll down for answer.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
. Because the elephants took the Volkswagen. :thumbsup: :biggrin: :D

maybe the humor was lost in translation.

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm callin' about my neighbor, Billy Bob Pavon. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

They sneer at Billy Bob and leave.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

Another politicians on airplanes joke
 

Bill, Hillary and Kerry are flying on Kerry's wife's private jet.

Bill looks at Hillary, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugs her shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Kerry says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says to his co-pilot, "Such Bigshots back there... I could throw all of them out the window and make millions happy."

I can't believe no one has put this one yet!
Why did the chicken cross the road?












To get away from KFC!

Ooh here's a painful one.

A little boy is driving throught he country with his dad and he sees a single cow out in the pasture. He asks his dad why that cow is all alone. His father replies, "Why thats because he outstanding in his field!"

(Little kid was me way back when and dad was you guessed it, my dad who is the God of all puns. It kills me.

Why is it that so much conservative humor involves killing people?

there are very few new jokes out there, we've all heard these with the parties and names switched so don't worry too much HM.

but, another answer might be that we're evil and find human pain, suffering, and death extremely entertaining.

I was mainly thinking of this site, which is where I see most of my political jokes (as opposed to cartoons).

There's your answer, HM! :stickpoke Man, we really need a devil emoticon or somesuch.

i know, i should have put a smily in there, i didn't mean that to come across in a mean spirited way.

mmmm. lawyers
 

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to the place of eternal torment, he saw a lawyer making passionate love to a beautiful women. "What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
----


A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear," replied the mother. "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
-----


A man went into the Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. He asked the man at the counter, "Is there a criminal attorney in town?"

The man replied, "Yes — but we can't prove it yet."
------


You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

How do you tell the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

The skidmarks are in front of the snake.


*****

Why don't sharks eat lawyers?

Professional Courtesy.


*****

What do you call a busful of dead lawyers on the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

*****
(when I was a secretary there was one Public Defender that used to call a couple times a week and I'd hit him with a new lawyer joke every time.)

One of my major employment faux pas occurred when my boss' future son-in-law was introduced to me when he dropped by the office one day. I asked him what he did for a living, and he told me he was a student of criminal justice. I then told him the "skid marks in front of" joke (my variation was a skunk in the road). He looked at me, and said, with total disdain, "I'm going to become a lawyer."

My response? "That's okay...I'll tell it again real slowly."

To me - a chicken farmer cutting his penis off then watching his dog eat it is pretty funny.

so here you go.

Too weird. But you're right. It is funny.

I personally don't by it. He was obviously doing it on purpose, and then tried to think of a cover story afterwards.

If it's true, this is similar to the guy who recently tried to kill his puppy, but the puppy shot him instead. A lot of animal "payback is a bitch" stories lately.

obviously there is no need for PETA type organizations. the animals are going to rise up and reclaim their rightful position as rulers of the world.

I have to agree with Glatt. The guy did it on purpose and that's his cover story. You get a lot of this working in the ED. However, the usual story involves a man or woman with something very odd wedged in an equally odd body orafice and goes along the lines of, "OH! I must have accidentally sat on it!

His penis was the "noisy chicken" keeping him up at night! :smack:

i think it is important to be aware - if you have a noisy chicken keeping you up all night - just choke it. never cut it.

Guess I deleted the BUbba thing, but this is kinda cute.
Martha's Way
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead.
The throbbing will go away.
Maxine's Way

Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

Martha's Way
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in
casseroles and sauces.

Maxine's Way

Leftover wine???????? HEL-LO !!!!! ;)

Oct. 1 - GOD, GOOGLED, EXISTS
59,900,000 Search Results Evidence of Deity, Experts Agree.
In the most conclusive evidence of a Supreme Being ever discovered, a Google™ search of God has proved once and for all that He exists, theologians agreed today.

“To those doubters out there who still don’t believe that God exists, I have just one piece of advice: Google™ Him,” said Dr. George Darlington of the University of Minnesota Divinity School.

The Google™ search of God turned up over 59 million websites featuring Him, a number that theological scholars around the world said makes God’s existence an open and shut case.

The stunning discovery, expected to wipe out atheism worldwide, was made entirely by accident by Jason Blivens, 22, a video-store clerk in Tacoma, WA.
Speaking to reporters today at his home, Mr. Blivens said he meant to do a Google™ search of the word “bod” but accidentally typed the letter “g” instead of “b.” “As soon as those search results came up, I immediately alerted the authorities,” Mr. Blivens said. “I knew this was something big.”

In contrast with the 59 million sites found for God, a Google™ for Satan turned up only 3 million sites, suggesting that God is much more powerful than Satan, as theologians have long argued.

But in a finding that some scholars called worrisome, Paris Hilton turned up on over 3.5 million sites, indicating that the hotel heiress has actually eclipsed the Lord of Darkness as a force for evil.

In a positive development, however, “good” received 178 million search results while “evil” snagged only 17 million, 16 million of those stemming from foreign policy speeches by President George W. Bush.
:biggrin:

How many hits ya get if ya pop in "sex"?

You can't just "pop in" sex. You have to buy her dinner first, unless you're Kobe. :blush:

Damn, living ALONE. I forgot that. Silly me.

[quote=lookout123]i think it is important to be aware - if you have a noisy Choking the chicken as a cure for insomnia.. I'll have to remember that one.

Sure Steve, like you ever forgot. I suppose you forgot how to ride a bike too. :lol:

You might have seen this before, I got it in an email today and thought it funny enough to post. :biggrin:


Things that make you go hmmm...

Questions that really need answers...


1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if
they are going to look up there anyway?

8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why
didn't he just buy dinner?

10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

13. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have
thesame tune?

14. Stop singing and read on..........

15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

18. Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

Are you still singing the alphabet song?

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands!

are you detail oriented? i was shocked to know that i actually knew this one.

test

Watch out for these new viruses - Symantec nor McAfee have solutions as yet!!!
~The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.
~The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.
~The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.
~The John Kerry virus - causes the floppy to flip flop on its stored memory.
~The Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
~The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.
~The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.
~The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.
~The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 150 GB.
~The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.
~The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
~The Joey Buttafuoco Virus - Only attacks minor files.
~The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy ... then discards it through Windows.

A young newly-engaged couple wanted to get married in a really spectacular church. The priest said, "We have a number of requirements for new couples who wish to get married here. Among them is that they must abstain from having sex until after the ceremony."

The couple looked at one another, thinking how special this church was and so, reluctantly they agreed.

On the day of the ceremony they went to meet with the priest. The priest asked the couple "Were you able to abstain from sex?"

"No Father, we were not able to go without sex for the engagement." The young man replied sadly.

"What happened?" inquired the priest.

"To get our minds off of sex we decided to do a home repair project. My fiance was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf, and her miniskirt rose up revealing her panties. I got very excited by this and then she dropped the can of paint and bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right then and there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the priest.

"We know," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore, either."

this one is pretty sweet. i still can't see the difference in the 2 pictures.

spot the changes?

Credit: "Travel Naturally" magazine. I guess it's too late now...

that is why virtually ALL of my ex-husbands live in the good ol' USA.

i say "virtually" because I cannot be certain of Jamaica. It was Carnivale...

Girly men handbook
 

California State Employee
Girly-Men Handbook

THE NEW 2004 CALIFORNIA STATE EMPLOYEE GIRLY-MEN HANDBOOK
by ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER


SICK DAYS We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to
work.

PERSONAL DAYS Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturday & Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat
more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes
for lunch to get balanced meal to maintain their average figure Fat
people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to
drink a Slim Fast.

DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to
your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a
$600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore
you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to
manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are
right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives, or coworkers. Every effort
should be made to have no employees attend to the arrangements. In rare
cases where employee involvement is necessary funeral should be schedule
in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch hour and subsequently leave that much earlier.

RESTROOM USE Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of
three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract,
the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second
offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under
"Chronic Offenders."

Thank you for your loyalty to our great state. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience.



THE GOVERNATER

:lol2: Snorting orange juice through your nose isn't a very pleasant experience, trust me.

Ha ha Glad you got a kick out of it Cyber Wolf.

The Preachers Donkey
 

You'll have to forgive me is this is already posted, i'm a newbie.

Preacher's Donkey

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!"

The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!"


The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.

"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.

"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah" he rode off, very proud of his new purchase.

The man traveled for a long time through the mountains. As he headed towards a cliff, he tried to remember the word to make the donkey stop.

"Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going.

"Oh, no..."

"Bible...Church!...Please! Stop!!," shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff.

Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer..."Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."

The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.

"HALLELUJAH!" shouted the man.

A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a

little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog. He runs over and starts

fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the

girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and

says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers:

"Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But

I am not a New Yorker!"

"Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American

saves life of little girl'" - the policeman answers.

"But I am not an American!" - says the man.

"Oh, what are you then?" The man says: - "I am a Pakistani!"

The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent

American dog!"

NSFW
 

There was a secret, surprise trial for Sadam Hussein today.


The sentence....

AHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!
But he deserves it !!!!!!

Corporate Lesson #6

In Africa, every morning a gazelle awakens knowing

that it must outrun the fastest lion if it wants to

stay alive. Every morning, a lion wakes up knowing it

must run faster than the slowest gazelle or it will

starve to death.



Moral of the story:

It makes no difference whether you are a gazelle or a

lion: When the sun comes up, you had better be hauling

ass

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. The woman enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse. Alone!"

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears looks him square in the eyes and says, "Listen carefully. For the last time, I said ... BRING POSSE!"

New drugs for women
D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go
to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression
by rendering preschoolers unconscious for
up to 6 hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and
loneliness by reminding you of how awful they
were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait
till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full
cups swallowed before an evening out increases
breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents
conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause
dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment
of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by
controlling road rage and the urge to flip off
other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for women. Increases
resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make
me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?"

B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
Increases potency, duration, and credit limit
of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N

Relieves headache caused by a man who
can't remember your birthday, anniversary
or phone number.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on
anyone too eager to share their life stories with
total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E T
When administered to a husband, provides
the same irritation level as nagging him all
weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble
of doing it herself.

Slow to work, but I post & see.

Non-Partisan Humor
 

Little Bobby was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc. Little Bobby was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Bobby aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said Bobby, "He's a politician, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."
The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
"Sarah Finkel, room 302."
"I'll connect you with the nursing station."
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."
"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."
The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"
"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit."
:biggrin:

Jesse Jackson
 

Jessie Jackson has added former Chicago democratic congressman Mel Reynolds to Rainbow/PUSH Coalition's payroll.

Reynolds was among the 176 criminals excused in President Clinton's last-minute forgiveness spree. Reynolds received a commutation of his six-and-a-half-year federal sentence for 15 convictions of wire fraud, bank fraud and lies to the Federal Election Commission.

He is more notorious, however, for concurrently serving five years for sleeping with an underage campaign volunteer.

This is a first in American politics:
An ex-congressman who had sex with a subordinate...
won clemency from a president who had sex with a subordinate...
then was hired ! by a clergyman who had sex with a subordinate.

His new job? Youth counselor. :eek:

NO FREAKIN' WAY! :headshake: