Now I KNOW you read that book to the mini rkzenrage.

It had me choked up, believe it or don't.

(oooh bad pun, didn't mean it)

crapping:
laying cable, downloading a mag (film magazine) from my gaffer days, oinching a loaf.

I feel like I've been eaten by a coyote and shit off a cliff

It was cats fucking dogs <--all fucked up

and my own invention: "He's got his head so far up his ass he has to open his mouth to see where he's going"

He didn't have his joke hand up. You're excused with a two beer penalty, your cooler. That was some razor xob funny.

Pushing the envelope

"He ain't got the sense God gave grass", I use that one a lot.
"Bout' as sharp as a sack of wet mice".
"Bless his/her heart" used at the end of any insult.

"You look like you were shot at and missed, and shit at and hit."

"Your eyes look like two pee-holes in the snow."

Both to indicate a discheveled, tired appearance.

"Shit in one hand and wish in the other and see which one fills up first."

No no, I thought it was weird, but that she was serious....went right over my head. :redface:

Which reminds me about "not being able to find your own asshole with both hands and a flashlight," which may be used to refer to anyone who is "a piece of work."

And "Screwing the Pooch," which I had never heard before reading The Right Stuff.

That's quite similar to one we use: "Bless his/her little cotton socks" sometimes shorterned to just "aww, bless" which can be insulting, or just indicating that someone has been cute.

So dumb he couldn’t pour pee out of a boot if there were directions on the toe saying tip up.
If I have to explain this one, I’m talking about you.

Looks like he fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Busier than a two tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs

Busier than a one armed paper hanger

Busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest

Rode hard and put away wet

God bless your pointed little head

Rides the short bus

Fine as paint
Pretty fine/smooth/well.

Hook, line and sinker; rod, reel and arm.
I’ll see your everything and raise you.

Like white on rice
How tenaciously one will follow or stick to

Btw, mrnoodle, bodacious goes with ta-tas

Sweatin' like a whore in church.

I don't come down to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth.

(also known as)

I don't come down to where you work and slap the broom out of your hand.

During the middle of winter, I went through a military course that entailed patrolling for several days under evasion conditions. When it came time to halt the patrol long enough to get some sleep, most of the students crawled into sleeping bags. I slept sitting up against my backpack, wearing only a poncho with liner over me, ready to move on a moments notice. A couple of course instructors were passing by when one pointed me out to the other and said "That guy's as hard as woodpecker lips."

It was the only time I've ever heard this phrase used; but, it stuck with me.