Brianna crying down the phone.
Totally understandable and I wanted her to let it out.
But so sad to hear.

:(

I'm not doing very well today. I feel so much is hanging over my head. In my immediate environment I see happy, teamy, confident people. I sit here feeling 3 inches tall. Ugly. Fat. Incompetent. Stupid.

I am trying everything, and nothing is helping. I am in no danger of a meltdown. It's just that I see no point in any of this (even though I am still working on 4 things at once. I listen to the young and malleable with their limited responsibilities talking and laughing and occasionally 'working together' on something: perfecting things so they think, because that's the kind of time they have. On jobs that, for the most part, anyone could do.)

I don't think I'm relapsing but it's going to be a very long afternoon. Whatever happens I wish it would just happen. Because I'm dwelling and it hurts. And I'm angry again, and that hurts. And I feel worthless, and that hurts.

The look on 'her' face yesterday was one of incredulous disgust. Never in any job have I been looked at like that. It makes me disgusted with myself. No, don't let her rent space: but you know some people are very very good at intimidation, especially the sneaky kind where no recourse is to be found.

Here I sit, disgusting and worthless. It seems as real as not long ago when I said I will be OK, and that I have worth. It's not easily shakeable. I'm trying, though.

Sorry to hear that you're feeling down.

You know you're not disgusting or worthless. Try not to let thoughts like that into your head. They are false.

What, in this moment, is lacking?

So, anonymous. Use your escape plan. Pre-empt them. Leave.
You are not disgusting and worthless. Re-read those positive posts of yours and get your thoughts back on the true track, that you are clever and worth far better than that silly tart with the incredulous scared smirk on her face ... she knows she's the one who's worthless ....

As my friend tells me, "What other people think of me is none of my business."

Well put.

Just as the flower is a plant becoming conscious of itself you are part of the universe becoming conscious of itself. YOU are IMPORTANT. My heart breaks for you b/c I know you are wise (which, in my book, is better than intelligent, but you are that, too) and kind and funny but you are hurting.

I could suggest poems or literature but I will just propose this: You are more than you know and stronger than you seem and other people have to live in their own heads---she's probably a cunting bitch who can shake it because her essence is evil. I know that sounds extreme but there ARE evil people among us and they shoot rays out everywhere----UT might call them stupid; I call them evil b/c they fuck up the world. If they only fucked up their OWN world that would be fine----but they fuck up OTHER people's worlds and they don't care. Psychokillers. I wish I were a true believer, but I think too much shite is random. In that one prayer they say "Lord, lead me not into temptation..." why would a loving Lord LEAD someone astray? Test his faith (Job) fuck with him like a toy for a one dollar bet with Satan? I don't believe that.

the kingdom of heaven is within us. One guru said, "You want to know the secret of my happiness? I don't mind what happens."

Thanks everyone. You help so much. I am better now. I keep trying as hard as i can and doing the best work i can. Not much more to be done, as I've made it perfectly clear how i feel and what i know about the issues.

So i have that: i'm honest and human and i'm no robot or servent I can live with that.

:lol:

A family favorite!

My freaking brain does not work. Chemo has eaten it. :thepain: :confused: :dunce:

Please may I have another?

You need to learn to take better care of your things. How long have you had that brain, 29 years? And look at it. Do you think brains grow on trees? When I was a kid we didn't get a brain until we were 7, and then we had to share it. I think I didn't get my very own brain until I was 26 or something. Even then, my girlfriend did all the deciding for me, I rarely got to use it.

use it or lose it, or so I've heard.