You know why there are no Chinese telephone directories?

There are so many Wings and Wongs that for every Wing there are two Wong numbers.

I'm qualified to repost this, as a native Californian expatted to Texas: ;)

Coyote Problem

California:

Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks dog.

#1. Governor starts to intervene, reflects upon the movie "Bambi"
and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.

#2. He calls animal control. Animal control captures coyote and
spends $200 testing it for diseases and $500 upon relocating it.

#3. He calls veterinarian. Vet collects dead dog and spends $200
testing it for diseases.

#4. Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for
diseases from the coyote and on getting bite wound bandaged.

#5. Running trail gets shut down for 6 months while wildlife
services conduct a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is clear
of dangerous animals.

#6. Governor spends $50,000 of state funds implementing a "coyote
awareness" program for residents of the area.

#7. State legislature spends $2 million investigating how to better
handle rabies and how to possibly eradicate the disease.

#8. Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack
and for letting the Governor intervene.

#9. Cost: $75,000 to train new security agent.

#10. PETA protests the coyote relocation and files suit against the state.

Texas:

#1. Governor shoots coyote and keeps jogging. Governor has spent
$0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge. Buzzards eat dead coyote.


Any wonder why California is broke?

HA HA HA HA! very good. needed that

The Geography of a woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistake twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... An adventurous spirit with a thirst for spiritual knowledge.


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.

The end.

Like!

lol @ squirrel

Fixed it for ya.

Q: What do you call a colleague that earns 25% less than yourself ?











A: A woman

Bill Maher: "After 40 years, Al and Tipper Gore have split up. Nobody knows why, but there is a rumor today that Al came home early last week and found another man's carbon footprints."


Bill Maher: "People want [Obama] to be madder. His press secretary said he was enraged today. He was on Larry King last night, and he said, "I am furious.' He said, 'I am so angry, I have asked Rahm Emanuel to unleash a string of obscenities on my behalf.'"


Jimmy Kimmel: "President Obama today met with Arizona Governor Jan Brewer to talk about illegal immigration. Governor Brewer surprised everyone in this meeting by having the President deported."


Craig Ferguson: "Sir Paul McCartney played at the White House last night. He dedicated the Beatles song 'Michelle' to the First Lady. Isn't that lovely? And then for Joe Biden, he played 'Fool on the Hill.'"

Proof that man hasn't evolved all that much
 

.;)

Dress 'em like humans, pretty soon they'll be acting like humans.

A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a
sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized
that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two
animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One
particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around
it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until
the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of
them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more
cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought
Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening -
red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night
of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings'
again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in
and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could
do for him.

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'

At first glance, this one is a classic joke that translates well in French. Then I got curious and googled Nancy Pelosi...

Had me laughing for a good minute...

I understand that poor guy :)

LOST WOMAN


A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground, elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am" replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on the TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...


******************************************



My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"
while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started.....

******************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed,
made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded
to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed,
and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back,
now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

******************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me
for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I
was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest
is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security
application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife
about my experience at the Social Security office...

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started....

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink
as she sat alone at a nearby table..

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up
and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'Wow!' says my wife,
'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant.. The waiter took my order first.
"I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

Word of the day:
FOCUS

When you are annoyed with someone tell them to FOCUS
It means...
FucK Off 'Cause U're Stupid!

I was looking at the result of the soccer world cup in South Africa...

The French team is like an old bra...

No cup, and little support.

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep things from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

Have we had this yet?


The good news is that Ford and GM have developed cars that run on water. The bad news is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico.

:lol2:

These were good.

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
---------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
---------------------------------------------------------
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
---------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took
the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
----------------------------------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
----------------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take
to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
----------------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective..
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
----------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks
him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
------------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
.........................................................................
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive
clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

Oldies, but still worth a chuckle....

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'

My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - -
And I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad News when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her Reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.. ' Which one ?'. .. . I asked.
'The patch... The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,
Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the Hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?' ' It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem To get used to the taste.' Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
Detroit , MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled Into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered ...
It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read ' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing which said 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name,

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .
' No doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . .
' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' '
Dr. Wouldn't submit his name....

9. A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied..
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.

Did you hear about the imported fans for NK? That was humor in real life. They were rented actors from China.

How come the Pakistani soccer team has never won the world cup?

Every time they get a corner they open up a corner shop.

(I know I told this already)

A Drover walks into a bar
> with a pet crocodile by his side.

>He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
>He turns to the astonished patrons.
>'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and
>place my manhood inside.
Then the croc will close his
>mouth for one minute.

>'Then he'll open his mouth
>and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
>In return for witnessing this
>spectacle,
>each of you will buy me a drink.'

>The crowd murmured their approval.
>The man stood up on the bar,
>dropped his trousers,
>and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's
>open mouth.
>The croc closed his mouth
>as the crowd gasped.
>After a minute,
>the man grabbed a beer
>bottle and smacked the
>crocodile really, really hard on the top of
>its head
>
>The croc opened his mouth
>and the man removed his genitals unscathed as
> promised.
>
>The crowd cheered,
>and the first of his free
>drinks were delivered.

>
>The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay
>anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
>
>A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up
>in the back of the bar.

>A blonde woman timidly
>Spoke up..........
>'I'll try it -
>Just don't hit me so hard
>with the beer bottle!'

Three men got lost in the jungle and were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.

The first step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your rear with out any expression on your face or you'll be killed and eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second man arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2...3...4...5...6...7...8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore, he also was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first guy asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second guy replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

It's aaaaaallllways about the chicken.... Well no more.

Why did the egg cross the road?













































































Because it had the inclination.

Three very old guys are sitting on a bench at the park discussing their health.

1st : "Me, with my rheumatism, it's damn nearly impossible to move around anymore"
2nd : "At least you still can read, my own eyesight is going downhill straight to hell"
3rd : "Me, I feel like a baby!"
1st : "And, pray tell, how is it so?"
3rd : "Well, I have no hair, no teeth, I need nursing... and I think I've just shit my pants..."

Three old guys are walking down the street. One looks to the others and says "Sure is windy today." The second old man says "No, I think it's Thursday." The third says "Me, too. Let's grab a beer."

A blind man and a Rabbi are sitting on a park bench and the rabbi takes a piece of matzoh out of his lunch bag and offers it to the blind man. The blind man takes it and then says to the Rabbi, "Who wrote this crap?"

See, Here's My Problem...
 

I'm smart as a horse, and hung like Einstein.

Subject: Suicide bomber strike expected Monday

Late breaking news.


Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this July from 72 to 54. A company spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B. O. O. M. ) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his hidy-hole in Tipton in the West Midlands , Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "I sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihads in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up.''

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland , Wales , and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are few virgins in their areas anyway. According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and are reconsidering their benefit packages.

From some random dude's Livejournal entry:

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co- worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware.

As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to report.

"Not really," Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased.
Everyone around us froze as she continued, "I only bought a little pot."

maybe i'm late on this one but hey....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jEjUA...layer_embedded

BAD TIGER

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.


Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.


What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing


Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.


Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She said "I don't know exactly but put me down for a 5."


It was just reported that Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife to pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger.


Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.


Tiger Woods has been dropped by Gillette after admitting that his crash was the closest shave he had ever had.


A movie is being developed base on events, titled "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant".


EA Sports are releasing new Playstation game... "Tiger Woods 2010, Grand Theft Auto"


What does Tiger Woods have in common with baby seals? They both get clubbed by Norwegians.


After a wayward drive, Tiger Woods found water before nestling behind a tree.


Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife.


Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?

ok being a pilot i have to admit this is true.....

Mistletoe At The Airport

It was slightly before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

As he approached the counter to check his luggage he saw hanging mistletoe.
Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant,

"Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

(pause)

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

(pause)

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

revenge at it's finest!

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied, "OH YES! I do remember."

classic

A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles east of the Virginia / West Virginia State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley , WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance briefly, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car and opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.'

Why are wedding dresses white?


Son asked his mother the following question:

"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and
replies,

"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,


"Son, all household appliances come in white."

SCHOOL -- then vs. now

Scenario :
Jack goes rabbit shooting before school,
pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

Then - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns.

Now - School goes into lock down, Team America called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his ute or gun again.. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

Then - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

Now - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months.
School board hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention programs

Scenario:
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

Then - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

Now - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.

Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

Then - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

Now - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.

Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

Then - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.

Now - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario :
Pedro fails high school English.

Then - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

Now - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist.
AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum.
Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest.

Then - Ants die.

Now - Team America , Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated.
Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario :
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Miss Mooney. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

Then - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing..

Now - Miss Mooney is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Just lately there was a short news item in the neighborhood paper. Evidently some pranksters broke in to the local police station and stole all the bathroom fixtures.

A spokesperson from the department said they were not making a lot of progress in the case since they had nothing to go on.

Fixed it.

>

BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAH SPIT WARNING!

.

Image #3 is a real product, image #4 is from http://xkcd.com/.

Yeh - I'm feeling too lazy to go find and put them in different threadsssssss

I threw 'em all here - enjoy ... or not.

Granddad was reminiscing about the good old days..........

"When I was a boy, my Momma would send me down to the corner store with a dollar.

I'd come back with five pounds of potatoes,
two loaves of bread, three pints of milk, a pound of cheese,
a box of tea, and a half a dozen eggs.

You can't do that now. Too many security cameras."

The Onion Strikes Again

God Hinting At Retirement

gangster

Rick Astley asked to borrow some Pixar movies. I said "You can have Toy Story and WALL-E, but I'm never gonna give you Up."

DISCUSSION EXPLANATION

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

The Man Rules



1. WE’RE NOT INTERESTED IN WHAT OPRAH OR DR PHIL THINK. WE ALSO DON’T CARE WHAT A “NORMAL” PERSON WOULD DO.


1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one :
Subtle hints do not work !
Strong hints do not work !
Obvious hints do not work !
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That 's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact , all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are .
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.



1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials, and not WHENEVER RUSH IS ON.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or SEX


1.. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round or OVAL IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

That's funny, Spud

:lol: