see, syc. the world DOES revolve around ME.

that's not really all that funny, btw. i mean, it's kind of obvious, isnt it?

edit: i was referring to the car salesman cow joke being obvious...not that the world revolves around me........mostly

Re: The Local Cow Dealer
 

needs a punch line:

so the car dealer said he;d think about it, and he had to check with his wife first. then, he called back, said he could get the same cow from another farmer across town for $550, but it was the wrong color, and wanted the farmer to match the price. the farmer thought about it for a while, agreed to the price, but when the car dealer got there to take delivery, it turned out he had forgotten to mention that he'd filed a bankrupcy 2 weeks ago, and couldn't get approved for the cow loan.

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest dick he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this."

"It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's dong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

might have told this one already, but it bears repeating:

A packrat Rabbi had been saving the "snippings" from his circumscisions in a big pickle jar. he just couldn't throw anything away, you see. So here's this big preserved jar of foreskin on his desk, and his friend the taxidermist drops by for a visit. "hey, what's this?" he asks. The rabbi told him, and said " take it with you. see if you can use them for anything." So the taxidermist took the jar when he left.

About a month later, the taxidermist drops by again, and they talk a while. "what'd you ever do with that jar of foreskins?" the rabbi asks. The taxidermist leans over, and takes his wallet out. he hands it to the rabbi, who looked confused. " that big jar of foreskin, and all you got out of it was this slim wallet? I'ts a nice wallet and all, but....?"

The taxidermist nodded knowingly and said, "Well, yeah, but if you rub it just right, it turns into a suitcase!"

And if you don't have a wallet, you could always have calimari.

eeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwww :vomit:

I hate hoax warnings but this one is important.
Please send this to everyone on your e-mail list.
If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your ass, DO NOT show him your ass.
This is a scam; he only wants to see your ass.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap.:)

i want to tell a joke, but it simply has to be done in person. I tried taking a picture last night, but i couldnt make it come out right. so, let me describe how to tell this one, and you can try it out on your coworkers......trust me, it's funny.

go up to someone and ask them what a gay snake says. when they say, " i don't know, what does a gay snake say?"...you put your hand on your hip, make the gayest face ( eyes half lidded, tilt your head, etc...) and say ,"ssssssssssssssssssssssss" in your best flamer accent. try it out in the mirror first if you don't believe me. it's funny.

you can also do a lion, if you paw the air with a fake claw, and go "Rooooooaaaaaaar!" in the same Bea Arthur accent.

LJ, what is your fascination with gays? You joke about them all the time. What's the big deal?

He's a lesbian.

my fascination is with humor, not gays, glatt. 83% of my posts are of humorous intent. of that percentage, only 6% are directed toward gays.

a more interesting question may be:

you seem to be hypersensitive toward humor directed toward gays. why is that?

and, yes, i am a lesbian.

It's because I see it as an injustice. As a general rule, I don't make jokes about minority groups who have had to deal with discrimination.

Maybe I'm too serious.

Perhaps. I find it best to make fun of everybody...that way, no one can claim discrimination.

Agreed. If they can't take a joke... :thumb:

I think you are. To exclude some group from being the subject of humor, is discrimination.:)

No, you just don't tell jokes much because you've excluded about 90% of them.

Ah, for the days of my childhood and the heyday of publishing the Truly Tasteless (insert ethnicity) Jokebooks.

Somewhere around here I may still have the flipover Irish/Polish edition.

actually, glatt, i thought about what you said, and what sycamore said, and i realized that gays are pretty much the only minority that i tend to make fun of. i dont make black jokes or fat jokes or mexican, polish, etc. not if there is a sensitivity to it. but here's the thing: i'm not actually making fun of their bieng homosexual. they can do whatever they want, and it's not funny to think about, really. i like to make fun of those that ACT overtly gay. flamers. they do that shit on purpose and it's hysterical. there is choice involved. i make fun of stupid people too, people that choose to act like fools, etc.

Back to the jokes..........
 

An Army Captain and a Marine Gunnery Sergeant walk into the head together. Both advance to the urinal, take care of business, and about face. The Captain heads to the sink, and the G/Sgt heads to the door.

"SERGEANT! DIDN'T YOU LEARN ABOUT BASIC HYGIENE IN THE FIELD?"

The Sergeant about faces, fires off a snappy salute, and replies, "Yes Sir. And in the Marines, we were taught not to piss on our hands in the first place."

Three little old ladies from Pasedena are killed in an auto accident. Their little deuce coupe is mangled. The bodies are shredded. Limbs everywhere. A truly horrendous sight........

St. Peter sees the accident, and is already looking up the names in The Book Of Life when the souls appear before him.

Unfourtunately, the names are nowhere to be found.

St. Peter says, "Ladies, it is not your time to die. I can't send you back to your old bodies, for obvious reasons. And God's not here, to set things right on that point, so.................."

The three little old ladies from Pasedena look at each other..........

"Here's what I'm gonna do", St. Peter says.

"I'll send you back as anyone you want to be. You'll get to live another lifetime."

The first little old lady says, "I want to go back as Marilyn Monroe."

"No problem."

The second little old lady says, "I want to go back as Sandra Bullock."

"No problem."

The third little old lady says, "I want to go back as Sarah Piplan."

St. Peter and the first two ladires look at her. "Sarah Piplan? Who is Sarah Piplan?"

The third little old lady slowly opens her changepurse, and with a shaking hand, pulls out a yellowed newspaper clipping, and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter looks at it and, with a heavy sigh, says, "I'm sorry, but thats "The Saharah Pipeline" 400 men laid in a week."

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd
really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive
around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of
the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her
on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two bedroom apartment above
the
garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

ARRIVING IN FRANCE

Touche'!

The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane.
At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.

"You've been to France before, monsieur?" the customs
officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he
had been to France previously.

"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for
inspection."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have
to show it."

"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your
passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained.

"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I
couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

Sixteen things Patton Oswalt would rather vote for than George W. Bush.

Dear Senator Kerry:
I am Designated Letter Writer for the guys down to Daryl's Bait Shop here in Lagniappe, Louisiana. We have been shaking our heads over your stumbling campaign. It ain't so much we like you or your Party, but you are a fellow American, born in the U S of A, so we don't want you to disgrace yourself. Here are 10 helpful hints we have worked up for you.

1. We know you served in Nam. You'd do yourself a favor if you didn't keep mentioning it every time someone pokes a microphone in your face. Geez, it was 35 years ago you did that for what was it, four months? Some of us Daryl's Bait Shop guys spent more time than that on chow lines.

2. Get your stories straight. Admit you threw your or someone's medals and/or ribbons over the Capitol fence in '71, and you went touring around with Jane Fonda, and you testified falsely to atrocities by US troops. You ought to say that was all a youthful mistake. We've made a few. We'll understand.

3. It's OK, you can talk French to French reporters if you want to, we don't mind. Smilin' Jack Boudreau can speak French, and we elected him Chief of the Lagniappe Volunteer Fire Company. We're not bigots. We call 'em as we see 'em, make up our minds.

4. Sen. Kerry, why aren't you touting your good luck in snaggin, not one, but two, rich wives? Here at Daryl's we often wonder what it would be like to have a really rich wife. We speculate just how big a bass boat we could buy, along with one of those new Dodge Hemi trucks to pull it to the crick. Smilin Jack always points out how it's his cousins, Marvin and Dickweed who appear in those Dodge Hemi commercials but still they can't afford one of their own. We chuckle how we could be fishin all day with nary a worry about where the money is coming from. You don't have to cook that ketchup, do you? Come on, show the world how lucky you are. We here in the South respect achievement and don't begrudge someone's good fortune even if he's a politician.

5. Me and Boudreau wonder why you aren't going to the wrasslin matches to get votes? We've seen videotape of you on the ski slopes. You got some good moves, looks like you already know how to take a fall. All us here (except Freddie Dobbs and Herm Harrison) are great fans of wrasslin. Not that we'd vote for you just because you was one. Armen Yazoo is a wrasslin maniac, but none of us would vote for him even if he was running only for dogcatcher. So you got to tread easy on showing you're Joe Sixpack who just happened to go to Swiss prep school and St. Paul's School and Yale College Skull & Bones. We'd see through that pose in about a minute and a half and mark you for a hypocritical windbag and general liar. You needn't go to the trouble of hanging a black velvet Elvis oil painting in any of your living rooms. Weren't none of us recently fell off a turnip truck.

6. Tell us something you're for. We already know what you're against.

7. We ain't all that impressed with the UN and we don't know why you keep bowing in its direction, promising you will go there first thing if you are elected President of this country. Is there anything the UN has ever done right? Didn't they make a royal mess of that Iraq oil-for-food program, millions skimmed off just happened to land in their personal bank accounts? Seems to us they spend around 98 percent of their time passing resolutions that don't add up to a hill of beans.

8. If you're for lower gasoline prices in the morning, don't be proposing a 50 cents a gallon tax boost on gasoline in the afternoon. Saying one thing in Shreveport and the opposite in Baton Rouge don't inspire us with confidence with you as President. Maybe you should stay in the Senate where you got 99 other guys to share the responsibility with.

9. We got indoor privies, color TV, cell phones, and computers. Give us some credit for brains and understanding. We know economic conditions are good and getting better. Your telling us we're miserable, deluded fools just won't fly. And it gives us the eerie feeling that you're hoping for a relapse into recession to help your electoral chances.

10. You have beaten all your Democratic opponents in all the primaries and caucuses held so far. Yet you seem out of touch with your party and with America. Maybe you've been a pol too long, been campaigning too long and you need a break before the Convention. We all think the best thing you can do is haul out your Harley, put TeRAYza on the pillion and take off for the Sturgis South Dakota Bike Rally. Meet the folks. A few of us from Daryl's will be there.
You don't have to get tattooed.
Sincerely, Cooter
;)

some funny flash animations
 

http://www.scarysquirrel.org/special...y/fatkins.html

okay it's not for kids.. not even close.. but having a squirrel tell you some foul mouthed truths... priceless.. I recomend the rants and the non-holiday special...

When a nice (sexy) lady farts:
http://www.goodlaughter.com/funny/bigfart.html

2 irish guys walk out of a bar.













what!?! it could happen.

Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.
She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom ... a roll of toilet paper.
She plunked it in and covered it with icing. ...............................
The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church.
Alice then gave her daughter some money and instructions to be at the sale the minute it opened and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale ... the attractive cake had already been sold.
Alice was beside herself.
A couple of days later, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. After the game a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.
Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (a prominent church member) say ... thank you; I baked it myself."

Three college buddies were commissioned in three branches of the service--Army, Navy, and Air Force--where they made their careers.
Although they maintained their friendship through the years, they argued long, bitterly, and inconclusively as to which service was the best.
They years wore on, and the three were called to their Heavenly rest, where they continued the dispute.
One day, they encountered Saint Peter, who asked what all the fuss was about. The three officers explained their argument and appealed to St. Peter to tell them once and for all which of their branches was the best.
Saint Peter reflected and admitted the question had never come up before. He agreed, however, to ask God and to get the definitive word.
Some time later, the officers again ran into Saint Peter and eagerly asked if he had received a reply from the Lord. Just then, a snow-white dove, carrying a note in its beak, landed on Peter's shoulder. Saint Peter took the note, unfolded it, and read it to the three officers:
Gentlemen:
Your squabbling and arguing are unseemly and futile. All three of your branches were equally brave, noble, and honorable. You all served your nation with devotion and courage. Take pride in that service, and forget your petty rivalries.
Sincerely,
God
(USMC, Ret.)

LOL!!!

OUT-FUCKING-STANDING!!!

That one is a keeper.

Semper Jarhead.:D

The River

One day, Three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging,
violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how
to do so.

The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to
cross this river."

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across
the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.

Seeing this, the second man Prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the
strength..and the tools to cross this river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in
about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also
prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools... and
the intelligence... to cross this river."

And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream
a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.


*************

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

Men will never learn.

**************

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat farther and farther, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until
he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little fur ball on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."

The Visitor

"As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.

Finally I went to sleep.

Today when I woke up, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishings, making it harder to forget you.


Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...


You fucking mosquito."

Brilliant! Sent it to all my friends. :)

IT TAKES A TEXAN TO MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A WOMAN
On a recent flight from Chicago to Houston, a plane passes through a
severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse
when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up at the front of the plane. I'm too young to
die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last
minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can
make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman at the front of the
plane. Then a Texan stands up at the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous:
tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, toward the young woman, unbuttoning his shirt......... one button at time. No one moves....... he removes his shirt...... muscles ripple
across his chest.............. She gasps............ He whispers:
"Iron this, then get me something to eat.........." :smack:

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.

He also was quite a spiritual person.

Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail.

Furthermore, due to his diet, he had bad breath...

He came to be known as a super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious. LOL! that is hilarious. :thumpsup:

Be careful with whom you drink...
 

Now [u]here's a happy monkey!
http://www.ircuser.org/files/monkey.swf

I love me an IBC. I prefer the cream soda, though.

George W. Bush meets with the Queen of England.

He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient
government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround
yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really
intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to
answer an intelligence riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in
here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and
father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister.
Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers,
"That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick
Cheney.

"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on
that one."

Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but no one can
give him an answer.

Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's
shoes in the next stall.

Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and
father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and to speak with Bush. "Say, I
did some
research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face,
"No, you dumbass! It's Tony Blair!"

I haven't seen this for years. :D

Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)

Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse
fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a
ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this
procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by
properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining
the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and
harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ
depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be
replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced
using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static
sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden
discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be
used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls
for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer
missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing
these necessary items.

To re-order, specify one of the following:

P/N 33f8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls
P/N 33f8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls

hehehehehe he said "mouse balls"

Apparently, some of the minimum-security prisons are not as secure as we hoped.

"Escaped Convict On The Loose"
Franko Bulsara, a convicted felon arrested on several extortion and fraud charges, escaped from a chain gang yesterday, while on a cleanup detail for the county. Bulsara is 3 foot 2 inch tall, with several tattoos, referred to as 'tribal design', on his arms and chest, bald with a 'goatee' beard.
He usually promotes himself as a fortune teller.
Residents and police are warned to be on the lookout for a "small medium at large".

Two antennas got married recently.
The ceremony sucked, but the reception was great.

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a
candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile
hand, tears running down her face. Her praying
roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his
pale lips began to move slightly.

"Becky my darling," he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired
voice, "I have something that I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping
Becky, everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept
with your sister, your best friend, her best friend,
and your mother!"

"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky,
"let the poison work."

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?" The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh' The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH'

A maori shearing gang have left the winter cold of New Zealand for a holiday in the Australian outback. Being practical types they stay at pubs so there's no need to move about much. Only two days into their break a frantic farmer bursts into the bar and rushes up to the gang boss.
" My regular shearers have gone walkabout and I need all my sheep shorn right away"
"Sorry bro, but me and the fellers are on holiday" replies the boss.
" Look mate, i'm desperate so i'll pay a buck a sheep " says the farmer.
The big maori doesn't bat an eyelid but inwardly he's excited. He thinks back to the last job, multiplies 22,000 by a dollar and thinks that's some serious cash for a weeks work.
" Okay bro, we may have a deal, how many sheep you got?" he asks the relieved farmer.
" Well, I hope it doesn't alarm you but there's nearly 800 in total " the farmer answers.
Again the boss doesn't show any emotion but looks over the farmers shoulder, winks at his boys, looks back at the farmer and asks " So, bro, what are their names?"

Is there something here that I'm not getting? :confused:

I'm guessing that with only 800 sheep, he'd be on a "personal" level, with all of them. ;)

Yup. 800 sheep would be considered a one man job in N.Z

800 sheep is considered a harem in N.Z.

So two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Covert to Catholicism and get $10." One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?" "Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it." Abe says, "What are you, crazy?" Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it." With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed. "So," asks Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?" Murray looks up at him and says, "Jesus, is that all you fucking people ever think of?" :)

<center> Last 10 things the other sex would ever say

</center>

<hr>

<table border="0" cellpadding="15" width="450"> <tbody><tr> <th>No.</th> <th>Women</th> <th>Men</th></tr> <tr> <td>10</td> <td>Could our relationship be more Physical? I'm tired of just being friends.</td> <td>I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.</td></tr> <tr> <td>9</td> <td>Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.</td> <td>While I'm up, can I get you a beer?</td></tr> <tr> <td>8</td> <td>I think hairy butts are really sexy.</td> <td>I think hairy butts are really sexy.</td></tr> <tr> <td>7</td> <td>Hey, get a whiff of that one.</td> <td>Her tits are just too big.</td></tr> <tr> <td>6</td> <td>Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.</td> <td>Sometimes I just want to be held.</td></tr> <tr> <td>5</td> <td>This diamond is way too big.</td> <td>That chick on Murder, She Wrote gives me a woody.</td></tr> <tr> <td>4</td> <td>I won't even put my lips on that things unless I get to swallow</td> <td>Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.</td></tr> <tr> <td>3</td> <td>Wow, it really is 12 inches!</td> <td>We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.</td></tr> <tr> <td>2</td> <td>Does this make my butt look too small?</td> <td>Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.</td></tr> <tr> <td>1</td> <td>I'm wrong, you must be right again.</td> <td>I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for directions</td></tr></tbody> </table>

TO BE SIX AGAIN

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be six again, " she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up
made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took
her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put
her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the
Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster,
everything there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her
loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra
fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie to see the latest
blockbuster, a hot-dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her
favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and
lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being
six again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her _expression
suddenly changed.

"You idiot, I meant my dress size!" The moral of the
story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it
wrong.

Ha ha- reminiscent of an old classic.
A young man takes a cute girl to the fair where they go on a few rides. He asks her what she wants to do next and she replies that she wants to get weighed. He dutifully responds by taking her to the 'guess-your-weight' stall.
Sometime later in the day he again asks what she'd like next. Again she replies with "I wanna get weighed". Athough mystified he again takes her to the stall and again she's weighed.
She seems to be miffed and he doesn't know why so he decides to drop her at her house as he feels he's failed to make a favourable impression.
She arrives at home, slams the front door, storms into the kitchen where her mother greets her.
" So, how was the big date?" mom asks.
"Wousy"

This was related as a true story.

Eric Douglas, the lesser well known son of Kirk Douglas, was performing stand-up in a West end theatre. His jokes were poor, the delivery stilted and the timing dreadful. Londoners, being entirely unsympathetic, were heckling him mercilessly.
Finally, in a fit of pique, he shouted," Do you morons know who I am? I am Kirk Douglas son! "
After only the briefest silence a quick thinker in the audience stands up and says," No, I am Kirk Douglas son! "

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess
I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian." :haha:

I am sorry if this has been posted already

There is a fly flying six inches over a lake and a fish watching that fly, thinking if that fly drops six inches I jump up and get me some lunch. Well there is a bear watching that fish, watching that fly and the bears thinks that if that fly drops six inches, the fist will get the fly I can get the fish I can get me some lunch. Well there is a hunter watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly. The hunter thinks that if that fly drops six inches then the fish will get the fly the bear with get the fish I shoot the bear and I can get me some lunch. There is a mouse watching the hunter, watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly. The mouse thinks that if that fly drops six inches the fish will get the fly, the bear the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear drop his cheese sandwich I can get me some lunch. There is a cat watching the mouse, watching the hunter, watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly. The cat thinks thinks that if that fly drops six inches the fish will get the fly, the bear the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear drop his cheese sandwich the mouse will get the sandwich I can get me some lunch. Low and behold the fly drops six inches, the fish gets the fly, the bear the fish, the hunter shoots the bear, the mouse gets the cheese sandwich, the cat runs up pounces and misses the mouse and falls into the lake.

So what is the moral of the story.......




No matter how much four-play you have a fly still has to drop six inches before a pussy gets wet.

that's a looooong way to go to get a pussy wet!!

speaking of fish