Look for the bigger message the Universe is telling you something.

I'm tired of feeling like this.

But what the fuck am I gonna do? Changing jobs is going to be very difficult.

Fuck fuck fuck.

Oh shit, I woke up again :(

Putting up with your current job seems to me to be very VERY difficult. Take your entitlement of holiday time. Plan to make your move. And go.


Sent by thought transference

I am so sorry you feel like this :(


Sent by thought transference

*sigh* so am I. I'm kind of scared by it. So I'm playing this....

Watch Office Space when you get the time.

Happy to report didn't feel like this today. despite being in excruciating pain on waking. Must've had some unremembered hideous nightmare or something just befoer I woke yesterday .

Monkey, all my energy is going into hoping your day is a complete turnaround today. I wory about you.

I'm pleased to see you're in a better state of mind today, monster.

Shawnee, hang in there.

I'm glad for monster too.

I went out for pizza with my family last night which was good.

But I am so paranoid here. Everything I do, I'm waiting for this giant presence to loom before me yelling "WRONG. THAT IS WRONG. YOU ARE WRONG. YOU ARE NOT DEDICATED. YOU ARE NOT COMMITTED."

I rushed in for an 8 am meeting and ran the half mile to the IT dept and...no one was there. walked all the way back to the office thinking it's a trick. Well, it was rescheduled for tomorrow then rescheduled again for Thursday. Which I would know if I had all my important life-depending work minutia on a blackberry I guess. No, I'm not that committed. I'm nobody.

She purposely gets my title wrong, btw. Uses 'assistant' rather than 'analyst.' She does little things to jab at me. It probably sounds all paranoid but I'm pretty good at picking up on catty things women say or do, or pointed statements meant to convey a deeper meaning.

So, since she dropped that she and Int D have a meeting with the head of HR...and in light of all that she's said to me lately, I'm sure I will be on a H.A.T. (I'm making this non-googlable: it's Horrective Action Trocedure) which they do if they have even an inkling they want you out. It doesn't always end that way, but for my friend who went through two rounds with the crap (they hadn't tortured her quite enough, or hadn't yet convinced the lawyers they'd sufficiently beat her down and made her look sufficiently incompetent) until they finally showed her the door.

Decisions, decisions.

I think you need to take some more time off for work related stress.

That isn't going to happen. No way is she going to approve any time off for me. I had all that fun with my broken ass back and then my stint in the bin...that's just not fair for me to have all that fun.

And it's all still here, still the same, when I get back.

No, I didn't say ask for a holiday, I said take time off for work related stress.

She is compromising your recovery. You just had to spend time in the cuckoo's nest. Nobody there is going to thankyou, or appreciate you for continuing to struggle under the weight of it all and in the face of outright bullying. They'll just keep it going until you break, leave or are fired.

If you just go off sick now. Get in to see your doctor and get it recorded that you are suffering from stress induced ill health, what is the worst that can happen?

This is true. I can't find the date of my next appointment. It might be in my car in my Looney Trapper Keeper (not really a Trapper Keeper it just likes to feel important, as we all do...it's more of a folder.)

But yes, it is obvious that 1) My ill health is a joke to her, a non-thing, a weakness. 2) She wants to break me...she watches me when we meet one and one and watches my face and pushes in the knife when she's found the soft spot. 3) She is counting on my mental state to drive a 'walking out' on my part.

She isn't going to get her way. I won't walk out. She will have to fire me. Also, I'm counting on therapy to help keep me focused as to not breaking.

DIVERSITY! The calls rang out. WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT. WE MUST LEARN TO RESPECT AND TRY TO UNDERSTAND OTHERS. WE MUST MAKE ALLOWANCES FOR ILLNESSES AND DISABILITIES. WE ARE THE GODDAM WORLD AND WE ARE DETERMINED TO GIVE EVERYONE...EVERYONE...A CHANCE TO BE BETTER, TO GET BETTER, TO DO BETTER...unless'n we ain't gonna see no glory from it. Unless it ain't gonna make the papers like "Look what ONE person is doing to make lives better."

Unless your diversity is something someone finds loathsome. Unless your illness or disability doesn't yet fall into the realm of Society Goes Gung Ho For the Latest Illness. Unless someone labels your illness shameful.

Big. Giant. Hypocrisy.

I am going to start keeping notes again, better notes. Compromising my recovery is a very good point. I will talk to Lynne about it when I go back to see her.

Thanks Dana. :)

Never mind notes. complain. every time. make them keep the notes.

Or some happy medium. But get it documented by others as often as possible.