That's a little harsh Bri. I think she just wanted a receptive group of people to offload to. Is that really such a crime?

bbro. Don't be put off by this. Some of us are very eager to advise and some of us are very eager to crticise. That means we've read through your posts and formed an opinion. Take it as a mark of our good intentions.

Guys, give the girl a break eh? Many of us have come onto these boards when in distress and poured out our hurts to these pages. Sometimes, when life is a little too painful or confusing, it can help to write about them on here. It helps to hear if others have similar experiences, it helps to hear feedback. That doesn't mean one is contractually bound to taking that advice. Indeed, would it really be sensible to base life decisions on the opinions of people you've never met nor ever are likely to? People who only have the fragments of situation that you've been able to write about.

I've done it. Many of you have done it. Written about something that's really getting you down. We're a bunch of sometime friends and sometime combatants and that's what makes us a valuable resource, even if it's just a bit of banter when things look bleak.

So, in a year's time she might be here again, upset and the victim of a relationship gone wrong? The fact that she didn't heed the advice of the people here would not make her any less deserving of our sympathy in that situation. None of us know the future. None of us know the man she's talking about. We do not know that the advice we give is sound, we just know it's what we think we'd say if we had all the information.

I have a couple of rl friends who've been through some horrible times with men and flown in the face of advice they've been given. When it all went belly up for one of them, do you think rest of our little group turned our backs on them? Of course we didn't, we're mates. We did the only thing a mate can do in that situation : we got out the giant tub of icecream, several large bottles of wine and did our best to get her laughing again. That wasn't the time or the place to say we told her so.

Thanks DanaC, that's what I wanted to say, but you did it much better.

And since it is such a big deal, I am 26

If I'm not mistaken, we were (including myself) very sympathetic; Re-read the first few pages of the thread. It is the continual deflection and hedging and unwillingness to come clean and be honest that rankles me.

And, Dana, telling people what they want to hear is not advice. So, she didn't come here for advice? Then she wanted complete sympathy and agreement and yes-people. We are not supposed to point out things that may be a difficult TRUTH but may save her in the long run, we are only to murmur reassurrances and nod our heads in a consoling manner no matter what. Oh, ok. Now I get it.

Where? No, I didn't divulge my entire situation because all the reactions I have ever seen elsewhere is to tell the poster to run as fast as they can because he is in jail. I didn't want to tell my age because I expect threads saying that I am young, I don't know, etc, etc, again because I have seen it before. I have mixed up the word probation and parole.


And yes, you are right, most people were supportive and had advice that was delivered in a constructive way. That I am grateful for. No, not all of the advice posted was of the "Stand by your man" variety. It was more "look out for you and keep your eyes open" variety. And yes, there are posts that I completely ignored because to me they seemed to be an attack rather than advice. I don't see the point of answering them.

I never meant to seem deceptive or anything like that. That wasn't my intention. Maybe in this case, as you suggested, me writing it down somewhere because I don't know what kind of response I was looking for. I just needed to get it out.

bbro--I don't know you in the slightest, I only know what you have posted (and, omitted) here. My feelings come from having seen/heard this many times. These are my questions (ones you've never answered, and no, you certainly do NOT have to answer them to me or anyone but perhaps YOURSELF)

1) What number is this DUI for him? It cannot be his first. I got a DUI in '04 My first. I was not sent to jail, I was not put on probation (that was for something else) and I even got off on a 'failure to maintain distance' complaint because I didn't take the breathalizer. SO. How many DUI's are we talking? Because I have a feeling it's far, far from his first consequence of alcohol or drug abuse.

2) What did he do to land on probation? Perhaps if this was his 3rd, 4th, 5th DUI or was it something else? Maybe he did an B&E. Who knows? Doesn't really matter to anyone but you and him. Anyway--he is on probation and probation officers HIGHLY recommend that you be a very good citizen while on probation. I wonder why he messed up when he knew how seriously he was being scrutinized.

3) What did he do to fuck up probation?
And, be honest with yourself here.

4) how many times has he been married?

Probation officers are usually so overworked and overbooked that they only take real interest in those who pique the radar. WHY is the system against him? Have they dealt with him before? Do they KNOW him?

It's really no matter to me if you stay or go or sink your heart, soul and savings into this guy. It's YOU. YOU matter and I've a feeling you've given yourself away. That is what bothers me.

and, actually, I am rather reassured that you are 26. i thought you were younger.

I agree with Bri here... you seem smart and nice, but a "fixer". Not a very productive hobby/way to pick em'.
Think this through. Doing this because you won't be the last to leave is not the best way to make a decision... stay if you think it is a safe and good bet.
Do what is right for you. One day you may be doing it for your child.

1) What number is this DUI for him?
It is his second

2) What did he do to land on probation?
That was the original sentance when he was charged. He has just been fighting it a while

3) What did he do to fuck up probation?
The ankle bracelet was tampered with (broke)and he had a dirty sample

4) how many times has he been married?
None

Probation officers are usually so overworked and overbooked that they only take real interest in those who pique the radar. WHY is the system against him?
He does know a lot of people in the actual system because of where he grew up.

Have they dealt with him before?
He has never dealt with this probation officer before - he is a bit of a dick, I met him a couple of times.

Do they KNOW him?
He was in trouble for something else, but his probation officer was in a different section and thinks very highly of him and even calls to check on him even though he is all done with it.


I think what makes me seem younger is my lack of life experience. I mean, yea, I have some things, but not nearly as much as some people here.

rkzenrage - I am definately thinking it through every day.

Alcohol is a tough monkey to shake and can't be without wanting to and help.
You can be the reason for wanting to and the help, but you have to be aware the battle is never over with booze.

If you feel you're up to it, go for it, but don't get complacent, because it'll bite you on your lovely butt. ;)

There are a lot of interesting answers up there, bbro. I can read between the lines.

As someone with 7 months of probation for DWAI left, and hours and hours and hours spent in therapy, classes, community service, etc., I can say with some authority that your boyfriend has a looooong row to hoe.

If he's effing up while he's on paper and in the system, what's he going to do when he's finished his time and no one's supervising him? Right now I'm in therapy with a 60-year-old guy who shot someone over a dope deal, a couple DUI cases, several drug users who got caught doing whatever to support the habit, and 2 guys who beat their girlfriends/wives. Out of those 10-15 people, maybe 4 of them can really be said to be "trying". You can see the difference in their eyes and their body language. What's the look in your boyfriend's eyes?

bbro, this is a line to read and think about.

I agree and will.

One that says he wants to get out of this and start over. I think that is one of the reasons he wants to come down here with me so bad.

The only way he can start over and not repeat the same mistakes is to have an alternative way of thinking. The good thing about being under constant supervision is that it breaks you free of your drug at least temporarily. During the time when your access to the drug is limited, you've got to be making good habits. Can't just say "I'm not going to drink anymore" or "I will control it better". When the triggers happen that make you want to use -- boredom, stress, pain, whatever -- you have to force a new response. Eventually, assuming you stay clean, the new response can become as natural as the drug use was. It's not automatic -- it's a royal pain in the ass for many many months or even years. But it's alot better than jail.

Here's the example the counselor guy gave the other night: Remember your favorite song from high school? Even after 20 years, if it comes on the radio, you immediately go into this mental space that's associated with the song. I even get a complete scene in my mind, complete with smells, sounds, and whatever state my head was in at the time. Same thing with booze and drugs, or any habit that causes you grief. No matter how long you've stayed out of trouble or how easily you think you can handle the temptation to overindulge and fall into a pattern, as soon as you get a buzz from the substance or the activity, you rewind to the old place automatically. It's just how we're wired. It's not a conscious decision to fail, or a moral weakness, or anything else. It happens in the blink of an eye.

That's why it's so important to start making new habits now, while you're being forced by big brother to abstain. Wanting to change isn't enough -- gotta put your feet to the pavement.

mrnoodle--are you quite sure it's not a moral weakness? So very many think it is. To be fair, though, I am an addict who has had the unique experience of knowing how bone-crushingly annoying addicts can be. I've wanted to chuck a few off the roof myself. And I AM one.

I like to compare addiction to homosexuality. Both have genetic components but are still rather mysterious. Headway is being made, slowly, but attitudes, esp. American attitudes, change even more slowly. The question for both addiction and homosexuality is this: Why would anyone CHOOSE this socially unacceptable and socially painful way of life were it NOT genetically pre-determined? (please don't tell me addicts choose to lose, either.)

The argument will be that homosexuals are what and who they are but addicts can CONTROL their use, etc. I'd like every person who holds that premise to be reincarnated as an addict. It can be done, but, aversion therapy is sometimes successful with gay people, too.

But, I digress: changing your way of thinking or coping is much more difficult than snapping your fingers or clicking your ruby slippers together or having 12 weeks of intensive inpatient. It's a lot like trying to grow another brain. V. tough.

Oh, gawd...

PPS--bbro, the problem...

bbro, you are involved with a selfish, selfish substance abuser. I won't admonish you anymore because: #1) you are 26 and in control of yourself and, #2) my brand of Tough Love is decidedly NOT appreciated, esp. by Those Who Really Care, i.e., Those Who Have Not Balked At Any
Behavior, EVER (and, good luck depending on that lot when the chips are down and the rent needs to be paid, but, whatever)