That is very similar to how I get when depression hits. The other problem is spending night after night in an anxious state: have I turned off the grill I was using earlier? leading to thoughts of fire, leading to an obsessive need to plan out my possible escape route, including how I'd get the dog out (there's only one access in and out apart from windows, I don't mean I just work it out. I kind of put myself into the situation and imagine myself doing it all, sometimes several times, almost as if, as long as I am imagining it and 'thinking it through' and not going to sleep, I'll be okay. Then there's the destructive thought patterns. Whirls and swirls of hopeless reverie, or self-character assassination, thinking through the conversations of the day, or encounters with other people and beating myself up over some small miscommunication or stupid remark. Death as a concept features quite strongly in my mind on those nights, my death, mum's future death, my Dad's more imminent one, my bro, my best friend...my dog. The absolute conviction that I have never been truly tested and one day something's going to tear my heart out and I won't be able to cope. Wondering if I am capable of the kind of honest emotions other people seem capable of, am I a fraud etc etc.

I won't go on....there's a lot more. It used to really knock me off my stride when I got like that. Weeks or months of 'trying to act normal' around people whilst secretly thinking I was completely lost. I used to engage in an unusual form of self harm.....so used to scratching the eczema rash, I would sit and just rake at the skin on face and hands, til I bled, but it made me feel better whilst i was doing it. Sometimes I'd do it for a long time.

Drugs didn't help. What helped was when i started to recognise the pattern and just let it happen. I don't 'pick myself up', I don't 'snap out of it'. But after a few days or maybe a week of slipping into those thought patterns, it usually clicks with me...I'm depressed. I then give myself permission to be depressed, I consciously refrain from any 'life-planning' or self analysis, I become completely hedonistic and just try to cope minute to minute in a semi unthinking state. It seems to work, usually.

What makes me think it's depression rather than just feeling down, is that it seems to be unrelated to my general happiness levels. I can be enjoying myself with it in the background, ready to come to the fore the second I am on my own.....it can completely wall me off from other people, or it can just make me feel unreal. But it happens regardless of whether I am doing well, doing poorly, succeeding, failing, surrounded by friends or alone. And it happens about usually about once every three months. Since giving myself permisison to be depressed, it is a hell of a lot less destructive than it once was.

I am grateful for the fact that I don't seem to get as floored by it now as I used to. I used to lose months at a time. Never entirely goes away though, there's always that little shiver in the background. I sometimes feel that it will have me by the throat one day

I did write a reply which included words of support to you and other people who have shared personal information. Rereading before posting I realised it degenerated into mememe details of my depression that frankly no-one needs to know. When I decided not to post it I forgot that any messages to other posters also went.

Part of what I was trying to say is that not all clinical depression is chronic depression. I was on meds for 9 months - I can choose to come off them now as I am no longer suffering severe depression. Tests show my current state to be low to moderate (making me one of the feeling blue people).

A teenager on my bus the other day was talking on her mobile about someone she knew who had to inject herself daily (possibly a diabetic?) She made some sort of noise-pollution comment like, "Ewwww! I'd rather die than go through that!" That's sort of how I feel about going through depression again - so anyone who can live a productive life under that sort of cloud (rather than the sunshine and showers I endured) has my total respect.

Much of this sounds disturbingly and gratifyingly familiar. Thanks, everyone, for your comments.

I'm sorry everyone. I really do feel at my wit's end and I feel like no one gets it. I know I will get over this lowest of lows but I'm hurting so badly right now and NOTHING seems to be going right for me...so much so that I do entertain thoughts of just getting out.

I swore that I was going to get everything back on track this year after a really horrible year last year with the ex b/f practically ruining my life; but every time I take a step I get knocked back down. And knocked down hard.

I've always lived my life as a "pay it forward" kind of person. I am kind to strangers. I go out of my way to say nice things to make people feel good. I give out this good Karma so why does god hate me so much that he feels the need to keep kicking me?

I just don't know how much more I can take, to the point of thinking of heading to the loony bin for a while.

That's how I am feeling right now. I know none of you can make it better, I guess I was just hoping for a "we care" rather than snide comments. I know it sounds stupid and lame but I feel like I have a group of friends here who might actually accept me the way I am. I feel closeness because I am so able to write out my feelings, funny or serious, and I think so much of you are on that "level" if you know what I mean.

I am going home for the day. Stopping at library and getting some books and relaxing, then I will come back in this weekend when no students are here to yell. Hopefully I will have a better perspective. It's not just work, it's the way I am reacting to this incredibly stressful job because of my personal problems.

Again, I'm sorry. My bad day shouldn't make me try to ruin yours.

Take care,

Shawnee, don't think that by throwing some of this at the boards, you are ruining anybody else's day. We all need to vent sometimes:P

Incidentally, just in case it's not too late to say it, I care. I think most of us do in our own ways. You aren't alone, and you don't deserve to be feeling the way that you do. Remember, this feeling will pass, as everything does. In a few days, or weeks the way you feel now will be a part of your memory and nothing more. That doesn't change the way you feel just now, I know, but it's worth reminding yourself.

Keep using us as a sounding board if it helps and don't be afraid you'll push us away by doing so.

'nee, you do have that group of friends here who accept you how you are.

I couldn't have guessed that this was what you were driving at with your earlier posts, which is why I didn't say anything before.

Are you in talk therapy now, or just on the meds? All this negativity, you know, you must understand, is just your brain playing tricks on you, just as it has your whole life, if you're chronic.

When you come back to the thread toorrow, it will be interesting to get your fresh point of view. Please feel free to start your own thread, too. Several of us have done so, myself included. Tell your whole story. We need to know where you've been so far.

Unlike me who has no such self-control:P

We're all here for you and I can personally relate to you and how you feel. For awhile after the split it seemed like everything kept getting worse and worse. But eventually things turned around and I'm happier now than ever! God doesn't hate you - don't ever think that! There may be some "miscommunication" going on.
You have always been very sweet to me even when others weren't. Keep your head up and find the little positives in life to keep you going. Soon enough they'll add up and you'll see more of them than the negatives. :comfort:

youre not the first to say that LJ and i doubt you'll be the last. i guess maybe some people take them as "happy pills", but after 7 years of experiencing it andmonitoring it with my doctor, SAD is very real to me.

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/medi...hp?newsid=5024

That works here, you see. Posting as much or as little as you wish, as you feel comfortable with, is OK. Don't feel you're cheating by withholding some stuff, nor that you're using up to many Kb. If you go on forever, people can read it or not, no problem. I know somebody wants to read it, even if they don't comment. ;)

Good point Spexx and it made me think of another point. Some people that are naturally reclusive, limit their normal contact with outsiders. People that are shy, sullen teens, or general loners, might never have that feedback of someone telling them they're acting differently because nobody sees them enough to know what their normal is.

If you see someone at the store, you know who they are, but don't know them, and they bite your head off over something trivial, you think they're a dick. They may be having a bad time or high stress, and you would never know it because you don't know them.

Of course....some people are dicks. I don't know how you'd evaluate them. :smack:

do people that ARE dicks know they are dicks? Does evil recognize itself as evil?

I guess the ones who are real dicks are the ones who know they're generally regarded as dicks... and don't care.

Spexxism: Dicks and assholes act the same way, the difference is that assholes don't do it on purpose. Discuss.:D

Shawnee - you are one of my favorite posters!! Through good times and bad.

Chin up luvie!!