http://www.daniellecorsetto.com/images/gws/GWS673.jpg

From: Girls with Slingshots

That's because the guy in the poem is gay.:p

He's not gay. He just got sucked into the lifestyle.

There's nothing worse than for a man to discover a ruptured condom after sex. Especially if you weren't wearing one.

Why do most women prefer to be on the bottom during sex?

Because all they know how to do is fuck up.

WAL MART INTERVIEW


Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants..'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick...got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what You say and I feel great. I be at work soon...you got nice house too."

:lol:

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.


I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing a gale, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And that's how the fight started ...

_______________________________________________________________________

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's how the fight started ...

_______________________________________________________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too'

And that's how the fight started ...

_______________________________________________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and Little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it ... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's how the fight started ...

_______________________________________________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah,' I said, 'she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight started ...

_______________________________________________________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And that's how the fight started .....

_______________________________________________________________________


A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started ........

Little Johnny

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me
Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny, a bright Navajo Indian boy, who had his hand up: "Patrick
Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said, "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the
Earth?'"

Again, no response except from Little Johnny. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Little Johnny knows more about history than you
do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Indians."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Little Johnny put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862.."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared around and asked, "All right!!! Now who said that!?"

Again, Little Johnny said, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying
against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're screwed!"

Little Johnny said quietly, "The American people, November 4, 2008"

Little Johnny, age six, says "Daddy, can I borrow twenty bucks for a new bicycle?" Johnny's Dad says "Can your dick touch your asshole?" Johnny says "No." Dad says "Well, there's your answer."
Little Johnny, age seventeen, asks his Dad "Dad, can I borrow the car tonight?" Dad responds "Can your dick touch your asshole?" Johnny says "As a matter of fact, it can." Dad says "Well, go fuck yourself, you ain't getting the car."

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
 

The first man was an Engineer,
the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist, and
the fourth man was a Government Employee.


To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.


But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.


But the Chemist said his cat could do better.


He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff.'

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.


Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'

The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.'

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......
ate the cookies.........
drank the milk.......
sh*t on the paper........
screwed the other three cats.......
claimed he injured his back while doing so.......
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......
put in for Workers Compensation................
And went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............


AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

"T-square?" How old is that joke?

Joke young, cat old?

;)

Older than my slide rule :p

I'll see your t-square and slide-rule and raise you a protractor.

you can find the protractor in the communal bin. It has a sticker with my daughter's name on it.

It's easy to pick out because it's such a lovely color.

is it a red swingline protractor?

Is that what ya call it?:eyebrow:

lol @MJ

I found this yesterday. It is a little long but entertaining.


1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid clich?s like the plague. (They're old hat.)

6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14. One should NEVER generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as clich?s.

16. Don't use no double negatives.

17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be ignored.

21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

23. DO NOT use exclamation points and all caps to emphasize!!!

24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.

26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.

27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

32. Who needs rhetorical questions?

33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

34. The passive voice should never be used.

35. Do not put statements in the negative form.

36. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

37. A writer must not shift your point of view.

38. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.

39. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

40. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

41. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

42. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

43. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

44. Always pick on the correct idiom.

45. The adverb always follows the verb.

46. Be careful to use the rite homonym.

47. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

remember to never split an infinitive.

That's still better writing than most of the essays I have to mark. :p

"I believe you should not use a passive voice."

"I think you should avoid the passive voice."

"Perhaps you should avoid the passive voice."

They're certainly easier rules to remember than any I've been taught...and forgotten.

I pasted and copied them. I will refer to them often! I think they're great!
Each kid gets a copy, too.

Attachment 24912

Attachment 24913

So funny it deserves a replay. (oops the picture is missing)


I'm glad. They are great!

Even so I must break everyone of those rules.

The list was written by William Safire, R.I.P.

He died on Sunday? I didn't know. I've seen him speak many times.:(

stumbled upon these this morning

Life summarized in 4 bottles...


Crap, I’m already on the third one…!

Y'know, it took me a few moments to recognize the soda bottle. I've never had a glass soda bottle, IIRC.

those 6 oz. cokes are the shit!

Gender specific Definitions
 

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n..
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4.. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male........ Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female...... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes...

* Only in Canada would you see a sign like this!

Read the whole sign

Thats a great one Nirvana!

Holy crap this is funny! I think it might be a fake, but either way it's hilarious.

The explosion was so powerful it turned the lights back on.

blew the decal right off his shirt

I think that was screenprinting, but yep.... still funny.

I got a good lesson in minding my own business the other day.
While walking down a side street next to a mental hospital, I heard several people chanting "13...13...13...13...". My curiosity overcame me so I decided to take a look through the 8 foot wooden privacy fence.
While I was listening to the 13...13 chant, I finally found a hole in the fence that I could see through. As I peered inside, some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.
As I was sulking away, holding my sore eye, I could still hear the chanting coming from the institution. "14...14...14...".

haha that's a goody cap'in

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.


Better to be safe than__ - punch a 5th grader

Strike while the__ - bug is close

It's always darkest before__ - Daylight Savings

Time Never underestimate the power of__ - termites

You can lead a horse to water but__ - how?

Don't bite the hand that__ - looks dirty

No news is__ - impossible

A miss is as good as a__ - Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new__ - math

If you lie down with dogs, you'll__ - stink in the morning

Love all, trust__ - me

The pen is mightier than the__ - pigs

An idle mind is__ - the best way to relax

Where there's smoke there's__ - pollution

Happy the bride who__ - gets all the presents

A penny saved is__ - not much

Two's company, three's__ - the Musketeers

Don't put off until tomorrow what__ - you put on to go to bed

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and__ - you have

to blow your nose

Children should be seen and not__ - spanked or grounded

If at first you don't succeed__ - get new batteries

You get out of something what you__ - see pictured on the box

When the blind leadeth the blind__ - get out of the way

Gotta love the Indians



President BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the
American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.

HE spoke for almost an hour on HIS future plans for increasing every
Native American's present standard of living, since he has now become
the President..

HE referred to his career as a Senator, how he had signed YES' for
every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval. Although
President Obama was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most
enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his 'red sisters and
brothers'.

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a
plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - "Walking Eagle". The proud
President then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came
to select the new name they had given to the President. They explained
that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of shit it
can no longer fly.

I guess that means Bush would have been called "Brown-Eyed Walking Eagle". :D

:D

This might be the funniest commercial I've ever seen. It's what NOT to do after a one night stand.

Here's another very funny one.

My wife liked the first one better.

Health Care Reform

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello?"

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The folks at Obamacare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

And if the republicans have their way, just shoot him since either way, he's been screwed badly.

I dunno..for me.....the politicalization of an old joke robs all of the humor out of it.

Without the politics..

Much funnier.

The Republican version:

Health Care Reform Will Limit Profits -

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello?"

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones' transcriptionist, Sanjai calling you from Bombay. When your husband's LPN sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband, because you don't have insurance. Frankly, since we aren't likely to get paid the $750 we charge for this simple analysis, we could care less, but there's still some stupid rules in your country about procedures, so I am authorized to give you this advice."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which, but either way, your husband is pretty much fucked. I mean, unless you have a lot of assets you can liquidate. Stocks, real estate, your home, those sorts of things?"

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but I'm going to need a credit card number on file, and there will be an additional charge plus a substantial service fee added on since we're doing the test more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"Frankly, we could care less unless there's money to be made. Now, will that be Mastercard or Visa?"