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Here's one of those Motivational Posters that have been floating all over the net.
Got a good laugh out of this one. Kinda makes me wonder if I ain't wired right... you know? :headshake |
Punchlines
1. 1 scoop of ice cream and 2 scoops of dead baby. 2. They both disappear after a hot shower. 3. I don’t ejaculate on an apple before I eat it. 4. A pizza doesn’t scream when you put it in the oven! 5. “I was giving a blowjob to a Chinese guy, and he threw up on me.” 6. You just KNOW she’ll swallow. 7. Now wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich! 8. Their hands makes your d–k look bigger! 9. Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan. 10. Hide his food stamps under his work boots. 11. The one that’s alive at the bottom trying to eat its way out. 12. Nothing! 13. They fell for that trick once already! 14. Acne doesn’t come on a boys face until after he’s thirteen. 15. None, the beer should be open when SHE brings it! 16. Pretty big word for a 12-year-old. 17. A baby in a microwave! 18. Not being retarded 19. Because the look on its face is priceless! 20. F–k her in the a–, then wipe your d–k on her teddy bear. 21. One walked on the moon, and the other raped little boys! 22. Take a dump in her vagina. 23. Your bike. 24. Dress her up like an altar boy. 25. Cancer! 26. The fridge doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out 27. Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you. 28. A pilot, you racist f–k! 29. Santa goes down the chimney. 30. It allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. 31. A Doberman in a playground. 32. 1. A “Thank You” card from the welfare system of her state. 2. A $200 check from “Crimestoppers”. 33. Because I’m stronger than you. 34. Depends how hard you throw them. 35. Maggots! 36. All the ones who can run, jump or swim have already crossed the border. 37. The little boy in the basement of my house! 38. A frog in a blender. 39. An inter-racial abortion! 40. They only had 2 trucks. 41. An Ethiopian eating a cornflake. 42. Sarah Palin gets nailed EVERY DAY 43. Brake her fingers so she can’t tell anyone. 44. They go back – but then the Jew sees a penny on the floor, tries to pick it up, and they both die. 45. Two Jews dropped a quarter down a gopher hole. 46. Wonder what the car was doing in the kitchen. 47. One of the gay guys says, “Ok, who farted!?” 48. Can you put me up for the night? 49. “Out of what?” 50. You would too if your name was Frggndorffngg 51. Take your foot off his head! 52. None! What the f–k are they doing out of the kitchen!? 53. He breaks his nose. 54. They don’t f–king listen! 55. AIDS 56. I guess we don’t watch the same movies. 57. Nail one of its hands to the floor. 58. “Get off me, Daddy! You’re crushing my Marlboros.” 59. The lottery! 60. (Spread arms and look mopey) This much. 61. The 4-year-old in my trunk 62. Sh*t Floats. 63. The dishes, if she knows what’s good for her. 64. A retarded gorilla. 65. Mexicans breed faster and you don’t get so attached to them. 66. “Yeah, that’s what Dad says too.” 67. His dick tasted like sh-t. 68. Getting the blood off your clown suit. 69. He’s too proud to pick the cotton out of the bottle. 70. Ice cweem! 71. The grip! 72. It only takes one nail to hang up the picture. 73. Give them a basketball. 74. You can’t unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork. 75. Depends on how hard you throw them. 76. Dog sh-t turns white and stop stinking. 77. They both drip when they’re f**ked. 78. Hearing the ribs crack under the pressure. 79. She burned her lips on the tailpipe. 80. God gave him his gas bill. 81. Being raped. 82. He had to sit in the back of the gas chamber. 83. An erection! 84. Rape. 85. “I have Down’s Syndrome.” 86. Connect the Dots. 87. Crib death. 88. Your Dad’s d–k tastes funny. 89. So he stabs her and steals her purse. 90. “Hell mister, give me the whole bag and I’ll come in your mouth!” 91. I don’t know, but it sure could pick a lot of cotton. 92. Too much work for the donkey. 93. Once, two Jews grabbed the same penny… 94. Because they couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin. 95. A dead puppy. 96. Because I shot it in the face 97. Someone too lazy to steal. 98. A baby in a casserole. 99. How could anyone stoop so low? 100. A homesick abortion. |
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10 Ways to say I love you from around the world.
English I Love You Spanish Te Amo French Je T'aime German Ich Liebe Dich Japanese=20 Ai Shite Imasu Italian Ti Amo Chinese Wo Ai Ni Swedish Jag Alskar Dig Lithuanian As Tave Meliu Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi , Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia Nice Tits |
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I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod. |
great...
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Two Canadians are ice fishing and they get bored, so they decide to play twenty questions. The first Canadian tries to think of something difficult for his friend to guess and, after a little pondering, comes up with "moose cock." He tells his friend he’s ready to play.
"OK," says the second Canadian. "Is it something good to eat?" The first Canadian thinks for a moment, then laughs and replies, "Sure, I guess you could eat it." The second Canadian says, "Is it a moose cock?" |
1. I was walking through the cemetary this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said "morning". He said no just taking a shit.
2. My girlfriend was in labour with our first child. She was shouting out "get this out of me? Give me the drugs". She looked at me and said, "You did this to me you fucker," I casually replied, "If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said "it'll be too painful." 3. I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she told me" Because I am trying to examine you." 4. I was walking down the road today and saw my afghanistan neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it fuckin start?." 5. I parked in a disabled person's spot today and a cop yelled at me "Show me proof of your disability." I shouted back at him, "Tourettes syndrome. Now fuck off you asshole." |
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A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
“It will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!” The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. “Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.” “Why?” asked the pilot. “Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not the instructor?” |
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine." "Have you ever been in the military service? "Yes," he says "I was in Iraq for two years." The interviewer says ,"That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" 20 The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles. The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to be here until 10:00 A.M.?" "This is a government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.". |
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? ' 'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.' 'What that tell you?' asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?' 'You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent. |
It was funnier when it was Sherlock Holmes and Mr. Watson.
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Bubba walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Bubba said: ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, ‘Shingles.’ So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, ‘Shingles.’ The doctor asked, ‘Where?’ Bubba said, ‘Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ‘em??’ |
Kind of lengthy but worth it!
Random Thoughts of the Day: I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter? Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft. There is a great need for sarcasm font. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the fuck was going on when I first saw it. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it. Was learning cursive really necessary? Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say". I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying. My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart". How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said? I love the sense of camaraderie when a n entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers! While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. Bad decisions make good stories Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do! Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year? If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem.... You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?' While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away? I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste. When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles... As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cellphone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time... My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that? It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner. -- source unknown -- (but pretty sure I wrote it when I wasn't looking) |
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There are some great lines in those, which I plan to use! :) Quote:
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Catholic guy goes into the confessional box.
He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days." The priest replies "Get out. You're on my side." |
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A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners...
On the way out the door, the lady at the counter says " Come Again"... The blonde says "no its toothpaste this time you nosey bitch!" |
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lots of chuckles in that one. ...and Dar.....if you're turning on the spigot before you get in...you don't qualify for inclusion in that group of fictional people |
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No I really do get in the tub before turning any water on.
I've got one like below (not mine, but indicative). Pretty standard I think. I get in the tub and turn the water on to warm. Sure there's cold water coming out, but it's coming out the spigot at the bottom. After that's a reasonable temperature, then I pull the knob that makes the water come out the top. There's only a second or two of cold water, which I block with my hand. Then it's just fine. I've used a shower with no spigot, just the shower head. In that case, I just make sure the shower head is pointed away from me before turning the water on. |
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife’s name.
He replied, “She called Four Horse”. The man said, “That’s an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?” The Old Indian answered, “It old Indian Name. It mean…. NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!” |
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits
down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, "I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh ," I accidentally said, "I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh". So she socked me a good one." The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, "Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey." But I accidentally said, "You've ruined my life you fat, evil bitch". |
@ dar: it's those split seconds of cold that are too jolting! That's too much planning for the shower head direction, and too defensive to hold your hand up to ward off jolts, when it's easier to just let it start without you.
haggis |
Very Short Story
Man driving down road. Woman driving up same road. They pass each other. The woman yells out the window, PIG! Man yells out window, BITCH! Man rounds next curve. Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies. Thought For the Day: If men would just listen. |
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Have a few minutes to kill. Got this in an email from my boss today. Thought I'd share it with you.
Enjoy... ....................................................................................................... A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, She pulls a Rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says: 'Well, that's great.... That's just great! Some asshole's got my pen! |
That reminds me of a blond joke.
How do you know a blond is having a bad day. There is a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pen |
GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: 1. He called everyone brother 2. He liked Gospel 3. He didn't get a fair trial But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish: 1. He went into His Father's business 2. He lived at home until he was 33 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian: 1. He talked with His hands 2. He had wine with His meals 3. He used olive oil But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian: 1. He never cut His hair 2. He walked around barefoot all the time 3. He started a new religion But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian: 1. He was at peace with nature 2. He ate a lot of fish 3. He talked about the Great Spirit But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish: 1. He never got married. 2. He was always telling stories. 3. He loved green pastures. But the most compelling evidence of all : 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman: 1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food 2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it 3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do Have a Blessed Day! |
Chuckled out loud.
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Just kidding, I don't smoke. I like to go outisde and have a chaw. Which brings up the next question: If it's okay to pee in the shower, and it's okay to poop in the shower, is it okay to spit my tobaccy juice in the shower? |
Just make sure you empty it before the next showerer.
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You know, it's just like the book says: Everybody Poops, In the Shower
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Why poop in the shower when you have a cat to do it for yoy?
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I was reminded of the Flame warriors and was having a great laugh rereading them and assigning types to dwellars (nope, not namin' nothin'), so I was going to resurrect the Flame warriors thread, but then I reread it and noticed it wasn't one of our best and I didn't want to be a Necromancer so I thought I'd post the link here instead. Flame Warriors
and I came up with a new one: MeMeMe. I think I may be one of these. MeMeMe cannot let a meme die -even on 9/11, you insensitive bastards- and is on a mission to use evryone at least once a day. Cock. :lol: haggis be |
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What do you call 50 bumblebees trapped in a Budweiser bottle?
A redneck vibrator. |
Correlation vs. causation
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The lord giveth and the lord taketh away.
Doesn't this make him an indian giver? |
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My native-american giver was waterboarded on 9/11 so I get a free pass. Carry on.
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(comment elicited a slight, under-the-breath chuckle at my desk) |
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Kids these days. In my day we had to pay for a pass. And we liked it. </grumbles> |
AND we had to walk barefoot through the snow uphill both ways to get it.
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Lawn. Off. Now.
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A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's rich and self-employed, And when I spend, won't be annoyed. Pull out my chair and hold my hand. Massage my feet and help me stand. Oh send a king to make me queen. A man who loves to cook and clean. I pray this man will love no other. And relish visits with my mother. A MAN'S POEM: I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit. |
That was great. :)
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Classic, you forgot independently wealthy, bi-sexual, gourmet chef, who loves threesomes and is turned on by jobless men with beer guts who play video games all day. :)
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What's really funny about it:
Even with those crazy crazy grandiose things you men are asking for, you STILL have a better chance of finding one of those women than any woman has of finding that guy in the woman's poem. :lol2: Oh, I'm sorry, now who is the joke on? :rolleyes: |
Personally, I already found the woman of my dreams and she is nothing short of amazing! No joke. <pbbbbllllltttttt>
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Yeah, so?
What's that got to do with the price of eggs in the Cellar? ;) |
Wait.... what? The price went up again? Fuck, I was gonna stock up on eggs too.
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