Originally Posted by Alexandra Petri

Opinion by Alexandra Petri Columnist
July 14, 2020 at 8:55 a.m. PDT

Did you see him in his mask? Wow.

How fortunate we are to be alive right now. Game over!

I formerly thought that it would be a devastating show of weakness if the president hid his beautiful lower-face quadrant from America for even a flicker of a moment, but I was wrong! The concealment of one possible source of blessing and wonder only made the rest of him shine more brightly! I am NOT writing this under duress and quaking with terror that if the president does not get fawningly over-the-top compliments from far and wide, he will not wear a mask again. He was so effortlessly compelling that I am sure he will wear one again! The mask looked so great and powerful that I quaked and became formless briefly but then recovered stronger than I had ever been, with more arms than I could even use. My blood is oil and my ribs are made of stainless steel; my lungs are now a tariff.

I sent a picture of him in his mask to my sons, who are tall, healthy and strong, and they wrote back and said, “JOE BIDEN IS FINISHED!” and we all roared together from our throats. Just looking at this picture of the president in his mask made me so strong that I had to go buy a different, fiercer brand of deodorant. After such an image, I must tie my fist with a strong leathern strap or it would just be punching all the time. My family describes me as “greatly changed, but only for the better,” which is also how they describe America. We all became jets and flew over the president to thank him, because words failed us and only a jet flyover could possibly say all that was in our hearts.

What a powerful image! I bet if America’s enemies see how good the president looked in that mask, they will telephone right away to say that we can have Greenland for free, and offer to throw in Iceland too, as a lagniappe. I bet that women will all swoon and become 9s. Joe Biden need only take one look at that powerful, virile, remarkable image, and he will know that his campaign is at an end, and he will tear at his shirt with his hands in frustration but it will not rip, because the strength will have gone out of him, and he will have to undo the buttons slowly one by one, muttering to himself. That is how good the president looked.

TO BE CLEAR, I am not saying that it was good that any part of the president’s face was hidden, even for a brief time — I am merely saying that by the addition of that mask (so strong, so masculine, an image of such ineffable power), it was only strengthened and made more luminous. The president’s eyes are something like the sun, which does not alter when it alteration finds, if you see. His face looks good always, and the mask just brought out certain parts of that face by hiding other parts.

I am speechless. What a triumph!

(May I stop yet? You must let me know when to stop.)