She was standing in the kitchen
Preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,
Wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake,
She turned and said softly,
'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought,
'I am either still dreaming or
This is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then gave it my all;
Right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her
'T' shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota . He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk. When he grabs a teat and pulls...the cow farts. Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again.

He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow.

When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.'

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says, 'You bought dis here cow over in Nordakota, didn't yah?'

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Ole
replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?'

Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota too.'

The election is over. It is time to repair friendships with the other party. Governor Sarah Palin is doing her part to do just that.
The rest of the world cannot understand how, after bitter election campaigns, American politicians can kiss and make-up.
For instance, Gov. Palin has invited, to her great state of Alaska, the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden. She has set up a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and hired three prominent experts in their field to assist them.
Dick Cheney will lead them on the hunt, Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins each evening, and Bill Clinton will entertain their wives and daughters while the hunters are afield.
What a lady!

An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a Stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at Midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed And he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through The door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm Not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak In the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was Told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay Of execution after all. Wright would not behanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'

lol, jester!

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said,

"Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Murphy showed up at Mass at a one Sunday, and the
priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy
had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest
caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided
to come to Mass. What made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father.

A while back, I misplaced me hat, and I really,
really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat,

and I knew that McGlynn comes to church every Sunday. I also knew
that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass, and I figured he would
leave it in the back of church.

So, I was going to leave after Communion
and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that
you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest
gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt
Not Steal,' you decided you would rather do without your hat than Burn
in Hell,right?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you
talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I
left me hat."

The Human Body
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

:eyebrow: I have to admit.... I checked my thumb.:)

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

''But how will I let you know the baby is born?'' she asked.

He replied, ''Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses.''

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, ''Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means.''

The doctor said, ''Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.''

Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, ''Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'''

40 YEARS OF MARRIAGE
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.


The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful b****** should remember fairies are female...

haha

A fire fighter is
working on the engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl
next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden
hose tightly coiled in the middle.



The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being

pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer
look.



'That sure is a nice fire truck' he said with admiration.



'Thanks' the little girl said. The fire fighter looks a little

closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the
cat's testicles.



'Little Partner', the fire fighter says, 'I don't want to tell you

how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar
instead of it's testicles, I think it could run faster.'



The little girl replies thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but

then I wouldn't have a siren!!!'

I've been acquainted with more than one male fairy.

Are ya now? ;)

probably bad timing.....but current events remind me of this one:

newspaper head line in Poland today:

Plane Crashes in Graveyard:

All 20 passengers and crew dead at scene. Rescue team recovers 115 bodies/

And I've fucked 'em.

Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down.... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.

lol lj.

Question: What did the cowboy say to the car salesman?

Answer: "Audi."



(I never said it was good.)

I geegled.

I oughta kick you right in the volvo!!! lol!!!

After that, he'll need to pop his clutch.

How could you a-Ford to make a pun that bad?

It's my Civic duty.

Hemiphobe.

One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help.

"Yes!" he says looking and sounding relieved, "This is very important." Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper.

Then her boss says, "Thanks, I'll need two copies."

I put this here as an amusement, I can't substantiate the stuff but it was interesting.

http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/did_ya_know_big.gif

Do the women masturbate more? Or wash less?

I used to date a chick who frequently masturbated while driving. A guy could never get away with that.

You're reading the wrong sites. ;)

Or just talking to the wrong guys. ;)

But on the shinier side of that coin...

we can receive oral sex while driving a lot better than chicks can. I mean, we can keep our feet on the pedals. Worst case scenario is a speeding ticket.:cool:

What, you've never been to CA. ? The land of fruits & nuts.
O-boy. What you can see while driving a truck. Maybe not want to look.

I can vouch for that!

Ladies! Flash us more. Men! Flash us less.

Thank you!

I wondered about that. How often does it happen? And how often are they hot?

Depends. During spring break in Florida, yes! Usually the shot is at least easy on the eyes. Hairy butts don't do it for me, unfortunately. Nor do crotch-shots from guys. Sheldon may disagree. Sometimes I see a guy driving and getting head from his partner. This can be good OR bad. Somehow, I doubt he's fully concentrating on his driving. Seen more action in the back seat too.

Us truckers see it ALL from up here people. And we have radios, too.

I have to say I have never ever been tempted to flash a random person in another car/truck.
I have done things to my partner while he was driving, but only at night, on dark roads. Truck drivers are the only ones who can see into your car!

Whaddya do for 'em when they flash? Big ol horn hoot, or the simple thumbs-up?

Toot on the air horn, and by trucker law, report their description and location on channel 19.

Gave me a chuckle.

Reminds me of an old joke:


"Have you heard that Kraft foods is moving it's headquarters to Israel? They are changing the corporate name to "Cheeses of Nazareth".

That one's good too Shel.

...cheeses just left Chicago......

....working from one end to the other.....and all points in between.....

Q: How come Jesus doesn't like M&Ms?

A: They keep falling through the holes in his hands.

Sick! :D


Jesus is my personal hero. When I die, I want to get nailed first too.


(goin' to hell for that one.)

A traveling Shakespeare Troupe had fallen on hard times and had to paint all of its signs listing their summer performance schedule themselves. They had only enough paint to paint the following sign and hoped people would know what plays they were to perform.

Guess which plays. Answers in white.


WET DRY
3" 6" 9"
MISCARRIAGE












Midsummer Night's Dream
The Twelfth Night
Much Ado About Nothing
As You Like It
Taming of The Shrew
Love's Labor's Lost

There used to be a picture online of a Martha Stewartesqe canape' design...bunch of chunks of cheese stuck to a styrofoam cross with toothpicks. "Cheeses on the Cross".

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me.

They have computers here now and
You are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just
Arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been
Prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!!!!

I lulzed.

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,
and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my
husband."

The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed,
"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill
your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my
license!

They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad
things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any
cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of
her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me
you had a prescription."

Sick, twisted and soooo me.
 

THE NUN AND THE HIPPIE

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down
next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off
at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:

"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?", says the hippie.

"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every
Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in
a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your
beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the
cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about
his face. "Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself
to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her
Virginity.

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he
finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a
Flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!

Happy Keester!
 

My sis-in-law sent me this, with the comment that it might stop some of the puns on Sunday. Yeah, right, not in my family. :)

ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE
I LEARNED FROM THE EASTER BUNNY

Don't put all of your eggs in one basket
Walk softly and carry a big carrot
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears
There's no such thing as too much candy
All work and no play can make you a basket case
A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits
Some body parts should be floppy
Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans
Good things come in small sugar-coated packages
The grass is always greener in someone else's basket
An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare
To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell

On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D. C., House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's aide visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral. He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views."
Pelosi's aide then said, "Look. I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."
As Pelosi's aide promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated herself prominently at the edge of the main aisle.

And during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that House Speaker Pelosi was present.

Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation -- "While Speaker Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, she is not my favorite person. Some of her views are contrary to those of the church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other views. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumbsucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed.

"She married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington, and in California. She simply is not to be trusted."

The Cardinal completed his view of Pelosi with, "But, when compared to Senators Ted Kennedy, Harry Reid, and John Kerry, House Speaker Pelosi is a saint."

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.
But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said,
"You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic".

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:
"You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish".

Mary had a little pig,

She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little bastard.

Mary had a little lamb.

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her,

Between two chunks of bread.