here's a random blog post I came across that I found pretty fugly funny. Be warned--it contains celebrities and fashion commentary. It's a dialogue between Katy Perry and M.I.A.--sans periods but with golden bananas and baby bumps. Really.

http://gofugyourself.celebuzz.com/go...s_fug_mia.html

Great stuff. Thanks Cloud.

Spelling is so important!

Quite the rational child.

What's with the pony sticker?

Aren't there Paris Hilton stickers available?

That's a Hore sticker. That's what he wants to be. ;)

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an
update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women
realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage. Men are
like....
1. Men are like Laxatives . They irritate the crap out of you. 2 Men are like.
Bananas The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather Nothing can be done to hange them. 4. Men are like Blenders
You need One, but you're not quite sure why. 5. Men are like Chocolate Bars ..
Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. 6. Men are like Commercials
. You can't believe a word they say. 7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their
clothes are always 1/2 off! 8. Men are like ... Government Bonds .... They take
soooooooo long to mature.9. Men are like ... Mascara . They usually run at the first
sign of emotion. 10. Men are like Popcorn They satisfy you, but only for a little
while. 11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many
inches you'll get or how long it will last. 12. Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to
look at, but not very bright. 13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are
taken, the rest are handicapped. Now send this to all the remarkable women you know,
as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky
enough to know !!!!!!!!!!
You have just been KISSED by the Dancing Baby! something good will happen to you at
1:00-4:00 pm tomorrow, it could be anywhere. Get ready for the biggest shock in your
life if you break this you will not be cursed but good luck will not come your way
for the next year . Everyone can use some fun and Good Luck so Send this to 5 people
in 15min

:rolleyes:

glatt, did you lose my email? I didn't get a forward of this. ;)

It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

Tony brought his cat to school today.
His teacher asked, " Tony, why did you bring your cat to school?" Tony replied, in tears " Because I heard my Dad tell Mom twice last night "When these kids get back to school I'm gonna tear that pussy up!".

WORST FIRST DATE STORY EVER
>
>
> Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
>
> She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah .. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
>
> Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
>
> They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.
>
>
>
> In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
>
> Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.
>
> Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
>
> Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.
>
> Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
>
> Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
>
> So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down. 'And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.' Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a
brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500
and says: "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The
Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of
my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies: "Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick."

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...




"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional

nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a

patient."



"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his

trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had

ever seen.. Length and width, it couldn't have been

bigger than a AAA battery.



Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then

fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later she was able

to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.



"I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I

don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and

a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me,

what seems to be the problem? "



"It's swollen," Fred replied

Fuck my life.
(No photos, but high likelihood of NSFW language.)

That's a great time waster SD! Just when you think your own life sucks someone else's life sucks more!

Agreed. I'm up to pg 50 and still laughing at some of them. Probably deserves a Cellar Thread, perhaps with an anonymous account so we can share personal experiences with no consequences. I wouldn't want someone reading my posts and always thinking about that one time that I...

Two women were playing golf.......

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away, laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?


He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!'

Texting, it will make you go to court.

Denny's is offering a new morning meal in honor of the octuplet mom. The Nadya Suleman Breakfast consists of 14 eggs, no sausage...and everyone else in the place has to pay for your meal.

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize .... you need to fart.


The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.


After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.


As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down,


and that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.

Apartment for rent

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed please find a check worth $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that;

#1 - It had never been occupied;
#2 - There was plenty of heat; and
#3 - It was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that:

#1 - It had been previously occupied,
#2 - There wasn't any heat, and
#3 - It was entirely too large.'

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir:

#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management. So, please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

My cousin sent me this via email just a short while ago. I thought it was funny.

Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women

PREGNANCY Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current..

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is
in labor?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q : Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

'ESTROGEN ISSUES'

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'ESTROGEN ISSUES'

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that
says: 'How's my driving-call 1- 800-'.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off- white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

:lol2:

Apparently I'm only 20% woman :(

But...you give it 110%

God, I miss the original "Hollywood Squares"!
 

Peter Marshall: What are "dual-purpose cattle" good for that other cattle aren't?
Paul Lynde: They give milk... and cookies, but I don't recommend the cookies.

Peter Marshall: According to Amy Vanderbilt, what is the maximum length of time you and your fiancé should be engaged?
Rose Marie: Engaged in what?


Peter Marshall: Eddie Fisher recently said, "I am sorry. I am sorry for them both." Who was he referring to?
Paul Lynde: His fans.

Peter Marshall: On what night is a woman most likely to be molested?
Rose Marie: With my luck, it's probably tonight - and I'm working.

Peter Marshall: Your sheep has a temperature of 102. Is she normal?
Burt Reynolds: People think I'm not normal because I keep taking her temperature.

Peter Marshall: You're a 71-year-old man who has lost interest in sex. Does your doctor have anything to help you?
Charley Weaver: No, but his nurse does.

Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Peter Marshall: You're a shy, bashful girl. According to "Cosmo," will you probably be helped in overcoming your shyness by choosing an extroverted, outgoing husband?
Rose Marie: Gosh, Pete, I did that once and his wife caught us.

Peter Marshall: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Peter Marshall: True or false, George: experts say there are only seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant.
George Gobel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of 'em.

Peter Marshall: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver. That's why they asked the question.

Peter Marshall: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

Peter Marshall: Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?
Joan Rivers: Yes. It's daddy's turn.

Peter Marshall: Say Paul, what is the official currency of Puerto Rico?
Paul Lynde: Food Stamps.

Peter Marshall: According to the IRS, out of every 10 Americans audited, how many end up paying more taxes?
Paul Lynde: 11.

Peter Marshall: According to a recent medical study, sex can be harmful to a certain part of the body. Which part?
Jan Murray: I'm sorry, what? I couldn't hear the question. A little louder, please?
Peter Marshall: According to a recent medical study, sex can be harmful to a certain part of the body...
Jan Murray: Six? Six can hurt a body? Oh, SEX... I remember. I'll say the eyes because I read about it so much.

Peter Marshall: Charley, how many balls are on a pool table in a standard game of 8-ball?
Charley Weaver: How many men are on the table?

Peter Marshall: When Henry Kissinger recently visited Japan, he went to a geisha house. Now, how did he spend his time in the geisha house?
Paul Lynde: Oh, negotiating for peace (piece).

Peter Marshall: Will humming help your tennis game?
Florence Henderson: Will humming help my tennis game? Sure, why not? It takes your mind off your balls, or something.

Peter Marshall: According to Tony Randall, "Every woman I've been intimate with in my life has been...” what?
Paul Lynde: Bitterly disappointed.

Peter Marshall: Back in the 1870s, Emile Berliner invented something, and without it, I wouldn't be able to do my job. What was it?
Paul Lynde: Let's see... toupees? Facelifts? Contact lenses?
Peter Marshall: Now cut that out!
Paul Lynde: ...Makeup? Capped teeth? Loud sports jackets?

Peter Marshall: True or false, Paul - Gypsy folklore says that God created man by baking him in an oven.
Paul Lynde: [turns and looks at Leslie Uggams] Looks like you were overcooked.
[Leslie Uggams laughed so hard she was lying across the desk. She then she got up, walked over to Paul, smacked him on his shoulder, and walked back to her square laughing along with all the stars and the audience]

Peter Marshall: What's the one thing you should never do in bed?
Paul Lynde: Point and laugh!

Peter Marshall: In "The Wizard Of Oz", the Tin Man wanted a heart, and the Lion wanted courage. What did the Straw Man want?
Paul Lynde: He wanted the Tin Man to notice him.

Peter Marshall: True or false: According to columnist Bert Bacharach, people tend to start shrinking a little after age 30.
Paul Lynde: Did you know that Rose Marie is standing up right now in her cubicle?
Rose Marie: [to Paul] OH, SHUT UP!

Peter Marshall: True or false, having a good memory is a sign of a well-adjusted personality.
Karen Valentine: What was the question?

[the loud horn sounds to signify time running out on the nighttime show]
Peter Marshall: Let me explain what that means...
Big Bird: Don't look at me!

Peter Marshall: According to the World Book, what is the biggest bird on Earth?
Big Bird: Well, you mean other than me?
Peter Marshall: Uh-huh. What kind of bird are you by the way?
Big Bird: I'm a lark.
Peter Marshall: [cracking up] A lark?
[Audience laughter]
Peter Marshall: [still laughing] You certainly are!

[Big Bird is picked and turns out to be the Secret Square]
Peter Marshall: Did you ever dream that one day you'd be worth 94 hundred dollars?
Big Bird: Gosh! I was excited about 63 cents!

[reading of the bonus prize after player won the match]
David Brenner: Here's the news, do you ride a bike?
Peter Marshall: [to contestant] Do you ride a bike?
[contestant nods]
David Brenner: You do? Good, because in Yugoslavia your prize would be called, "Five thousand American dollars".
[contestant freaks out; Marshall counts off five one-thousand-dollar bills]

Peter Marshall: Paul, does Ann Landers think there is anything wrong with you if you do your housework in the nude?
Paul Lynde: No, but I have to be terribly careful when I do my ironing.

Demond Wilson: What do you like for breakfast?
[Peter Marshall starts to speak]
Demond Wilson: [sternly] Don't tell me "grits"!


Peter Marshall: At a recent hearing, opponents of flourinated water argued that too much flourine in a person's system can cause an uncontrolable desire for sex.
Paul Lynde: [excitedly] HEY, CULLIGAN MAN!

Peter Marshall: Wally, what is the signature phrase of the cartoon character Underdog?
[Cox was voice of Underdog for the duration of the cartoon's airings]
Wally Cox: Where are my residuals?

Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, you husband, Edgar, is talking in his sleep. Should you be upset if he talks about his secretary?
Joan Rivers: And how... his secretary is a guy!

Peter Marshall: In baseball, there's a special name for the area between a player's knees and his armpits.
Paul Lynde: [referring to a certain jingle] Aren't you glad? Aren't you glad? *Aren't you glad... * he used Dial?

Peter Marshall: Paul, everyone knows the first verse.
[singing]
Peter Marshall: What shall we do with the drunken sailor? / What shall we do with the drunken sailor? / What shall we do with the drunken sailor? / Early in the morning? But what is the first line of the next verse?
Paul Lynde: [singing] Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor / Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor / Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor / Early in the morning
[audience laughs]
Paul Lynde: How disgusting... that poor sailor!

Peter Marshall: True or false, Paul Revere had 16 children?
Paul Lynde: From *one* midnight ride?

Peter Marshall: Your date's had a great shock, now she's fainted. According to experts you should loosen her clothing, and do one other thing. What?
Paul Lynde: Send a postcard requesting an ambulance.
Peter Marshall: You don't get along with this young lady obviously.

Peter Marshall: Paul, how do we know the first Union flag was sewn by Betsy Ross?
Paul Lynde: [in a deep overly-serious voice, singing popular TV jingle of the time] You look for, the Union Label, when you buy...

Peter Marshall: Okay, pick a star.
Contestant: Steve Landesberg?
Peter Marshall: I said, pick a star!
Steve Landesberg: Hey!
[audience laughter]
Steve Landesberg: That's okay, I've seen your act!

Peter Marshall: True or false, on a recent talk show, Joey Heatherton said, "I am not a sexpot."
Jan Murray: She's right, Pete, but you're a damn good emcee.

[Tony Randall has just been asked a question]
Tony Randall: [staring dramatically into the camera] I don't *know*.
[wild audience laughter]
Peter Marshall: This is a bluffing game! You're supposed to come up with a bluff if you don't know the answer, you silly twerp!
Tony Randall: Well, *I'm* sorry...

Peter Marshall: True or false, every day, about 10 million American women take the pill.
Paul Lynde: And I could name 'em all!

Peter Marshall: Can you get a closer shave in the morning or in the evening?
Rose Marie: I don't know, Peter! I don't shave!
[short pause]
Rose Marie: My face, I mean. What a stupid question.

Peter Marshall: According to the nursery rhyme, "There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children she didn't know what to do". What did she give her children to eat?
Charley Weaver: She lived in a shoe? Filet of sole!

Peter Marshall: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.

Peter Marshall: True or false, massaging the feet helps some people with hot flashes?
George Gobel: So that's why Rose Marie wears battery-operated shoes.
Rose Marie: OH! I KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO SAY THAT! I KNEW IT!

Peter Marshall: Paul, how many fingers in the girl scout salute?
Paul Lynde: Gee, I don't remember. The last time I saw it was when I didn't buy their cookies.

A guy dies and goes to heaven, and whille he's waiting for St Peter to do the paperwork, he sees a strange being in a white coat float by.
"What was that?" he asked.
"Oh that was just God, he likes to play doctor sometimes"

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer. When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

:lol2:
Good one, Pie. I'll have to use that at work.

One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said,
"Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

From my old blog, I present, the greatest joke in the history of mankind. It is long, I warn you.

I've been warned twice and I still read it twice. It's mesmerizing.
What does that mean?

Did you write that? Great job! Loved it.

You have way too much spare time?

Sadly, I did not write it. I intend to write something equally inane for Nanowrimo this year, but that's months away yet.

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circu mcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

Why are hurricanes named after women?

Because when they come they're wet and wild,
and when they leave they fuck off with your house and car.

Two Garbage Bags


A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'

'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me...'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?' 'You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.'

'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. OK? Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well, you know', says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.
When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “My dear child, why are you crying?”
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.
“Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, “No.”
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.
“Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, “No.”
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
“Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, “Yes.”
The Lord was pleased with the woman’s honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, the! Lord again appeared and asked her, “Why are you crying?”
“Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!”
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. “Is this your husband?” he asked.
“Yes,” cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”
The seamstress replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said ‘no’ to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.
Then if I said ‘no’ to him, you would have come up with my husband.
Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three.
Lord, I’m not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT’S why I said ‘yes’ to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him!

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it’s for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.
That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it.
Signed!
All Us Women

:lol2:

But the truth was that they sent them to the local seafood restauraunt, and about once a year they sent back an order of calimari.

...which are non-kosher.

Ignorance is Bris.

Hahahaha. Oh my that was very funny shel.

Thank you, Cellar dwellers, for this thread. I battle with depression on a daily basis, and no matter how down I am, I can always come here, read a few pages, and have a smile on my face by the end of it. You guys rock!

You're welcome. :D

Making a baby.



The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted


I have a suspicion that F3 was the photographer! ;)

Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. "What do you think this is?"

One advisor, an engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he said. The king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?" The engineer replied, "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a 16-element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected from the table. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and I'll show you a working prototype."

The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognized the danger of such short-sighted thinking. He said, "Toasters don't just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities.

They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don't look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years."

"With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize this class into subclasses: grains, pork, and poultry. The specialization process should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links, and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard- boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelet classes."

"The ham and cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create the proper object and send a message to the object that says, 'Cook yourself.' The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs."

"Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users don't want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too."

"We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Users won't buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface. When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it, and the message 'Booting UNIX v.8.3' appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the market.) Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want to cook."

"Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the implementation phase. An quad-core Xenon 2.33GHz processor with 8GB of RAM, a 500GB drive, and a 21" LCD monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking, object oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap. (Imagine the difficulty we would have had if we had foolishly allowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a four-bit microcontroller!)."

The king wisely had the computer scientist beheaded, and they all lived happily ever after.

Hey man...that hurts....literally.

(forgot to up the rev on Unix, crap!)

Three women die together in an accident and
go to heaven.


When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We! only have
one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are
ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to
step on a duck, and although they try their best to
avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one..


Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.


St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your
punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend
eternity chained to this ugly man!'


The next day, the second woman accidentally steps
on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't
miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment
as for the first woman.


The third woman has observed all this and, not
wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man,
is very, VERY careful where she steps.


She manages to go months without stepping on
any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her
with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes
on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.



St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.


The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to
deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'


The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped
on a duck!'

The old Indian wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, “What are you going to do with the money?”

“Make jewelry and sell it,” was the response.
“What have you got for collateral?”
“Don’t know collateral.”
“Well that’s something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?”
“Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup.”
The banker shook his head, “How about livestock?”
“Yes, I have a horse.”
“How old is it?”
“Don’t know, has no teeth.”
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.
Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, “Here to pay.” he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.
“What are you going to do with the rest of that money?”
“Put in tepee.”
“Why don’t you deposit it in my bank,” he asked.
“Don’t know deposit.”
“You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it.”
The old Indian leaned across the desk, “What you got for collateral?”

Two fleas from Detroit had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation.
Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he’s all blue, shivering and shaking, damn near frozen to death!
The other flea asks him, “What the hell happened to you?”
The first flea says, “I rode down here from Mount Clemens in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.”
The other flea tells him, “That’s the worst way to travel. Try what I do: Go to the Metro airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it’s warm and cozy. It’s the best way to travel that I can think of.”
The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.
A year goes by, and when the first flea shows up in Miami he is all blue, and shivering and shaking again. Damn near frozen to death!
The second flea says, “Didn’t you try what I told you?”
Yes,” says the first flea, “I did exactly as you said: I went to the Metro airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to a warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep immediately.”
“Well then, what happened?” the first flea asked.
“When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of the guy on the Harley!”

Wow, what a flashback... I remember hearing that joke when I was in elementary school--except it was Dolly Parton's underwear, and Willie Nelson's beard. :)

Oh well, I guess I won't be getting any sleep tonight. Thanks for the visual. :eek:

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he
glanced up & saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate
would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or
pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"

Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from
my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about
sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained," one popular myth is that African-American men
are the most well-endowe d of all men, when in fact it is the Native
American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when
actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best
stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.

"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this
with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me
Bubba."

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.


The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my Gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'


'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence