Tooth Ache


A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it!.
We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already!
I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Quick, open your mouth, honey, and show him."

Talking Clock

After a hard night's drinking in their local bar, a man brings his friends back to his new apartment.
He shows them the Kitchen, Bathroom and Living room and finally, the Bedroom.
Whilst in the Bedroom, he points to a massive gong in the corner and says to his friends:
"That's my talking clock in the corner there",
One of his friends replies "That's not a clock, it's a gong!"
Upon hearing this, he says "Oh yeah? Watch this!" and picks up a mallet by his bed and whacks the gong as hard as he can.
The noise is deafening, ear-shatteringly loud.
His friend says "I don't get it, how's that a talking clock?"
To which he replies "Just wait for it."
Seconds later, they hear furious banging on the wall, followed by "SHUT THE FUCK UP! IT'S 3 0'CLOCK IN THE FUCKING MORNING!!!"

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner and on July 17, 1946, Detroit was 97 degrees.
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.
They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner, ' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.
They haggled back and forth for about two hours, and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.
So, now you know...

Doing the dishes

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust.

The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.

A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word.

Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word.

Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex.

Still no one speaks. By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.

And the father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan .. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in and looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.' The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still waiting.'

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-****ed him, knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?'

The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting American soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent me.'

I thought this was supposed to be the area for humor. There's nothing funny about that, but I can see how a marine might like it.

I guess the professor's next response would be, "Nobody in Iraq or Afghanistan is defending American rights.....and you are expelled from this school"

He did not specify how God should be doing it...through a marine is as good a way as any! ;) Sometimes people just get what they ask for...

yabbut, the dishes joke was pretty funny

I'll give you that. I heard it before, but it's still funny.

Sky, I love that BRB Jesus!

Stoopid ignorant arrogant professor! trying to say there's no God, how dare he.

Nah, just stoopid, ignorant, and arrogant to believe noone would believe the opposite with any conviction.;)

Unless of course, unlike you, he had A SENSE OF HUMOR. I mean this isn't the "lecture...I need lecture" thread is it?

How do you get Pikachu on a bus?

You Pokemon

:lol: :p

What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur?

Doyouthinkisaurus

What do you call a Buck with no eyes?


No idear.

What do you call a buck with no balls and no eyes?

No fucking idear.

What do you call a buck with no legs, no balls and no eyes?

Still no fucking idear.

Funny as hell. Who gives a damm what you think. :D

MARINE HUMOR

There are two ways to get things done.
1) The Marine way: Go ahead and kick its ass, or
2) The Navy way: Call the Marines.

Tired.....

Marines will line up behind any two people. If you ask them what they're in line for, they'll say "I don't know, but I want some".

The name Marine was invented when a sailor took a shit down a pipe, it hit a fan at went MARINE!

They send marines to shore to clean up the bodies left by the S.E.A.L.S. and because they don't want to waste a sailor on something like that.

In the Navy when I wore my crackerjacks (Enlisted Dress Blues or Whites), the 13 button flap in the front of the pants was called the "Marine Dinner Plate".

Not all Navy people are queers.

Some are bisexual.

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You
know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's
about time we started cussing.

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues,
'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with
hell and you say something with ass.' The 4 year old agrees with
enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what
he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have
some Cheerios.'

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,
gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes
out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every
step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there
until I let you out!'

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with
a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast,
young man?' I don't know, he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass
it won't be Cheerios!'

Making Love: what a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

What do 57,000 battered women in America all have in common?
They don't fockin listen.

Math for the Fast Lane

This is why math is taught in school.
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why..........
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass everyday.
Statistically, half of these are driven by females.
That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Flip one off? ... I think not.

spoil/But your odds are 1 in 36,000 that you flip off that one/sport

Well the math is all wrong anyway. There may very well be 36,000 cars on the road, but the driver isn't passing that many. I bet the driver only passes at most a couple hundred. The traffic flows together, roughly. You've all been sitting in traffic and seen a car in another lane pass you only to have you pass them 30 seconds later once your lane starts to move. You play tag that way for most of the traffic jam, which means you have been averaging the same speed all along.

I was thinking this too. And the only people he'd be flipping off are the ones who cut him off, not people he was passing. Who just drives past people flipping them all off?

It sounds like Glatt, classicman, and I feel fairly safe in flipping off people who cut us off in traffic, although I live in Los Angeles, so the odds are greater I'll be killed. You can get shot out here for using your horn when people cut you off. They think if their car will physically fit between you and the car in front of you, it means you're letting them in. They have no clue what "safe following distance" means.

A few months ago I was driving with my super crazy MIL in the passenger side and we were behind a guy who was not making a right turn even though his light was green. I gave him a polite "you're up" toot and he still didn't move. MY MIL leans over and lays on the horn giving it several seconds and a few accenting blasts. The guy looks up into his rearview mirror and gestures to what's in front of his car, which we cannot see.

Finally he turns and we can see that there were two cars blocking the intersection. Not his fault.

We drive about a half mile and get to a traffic light and I pull up next to him, and turn to my MIL and ask her
"You wanna say hi to your friend?"

Glad she is banned, 12 years too late, if you ask me.

back to humor.

If someone reaches over to touch the steering wheel when I'm driving, there damn well better have been an imminent collision avoided. Or they'll be missing a hand.

:headshake You displayed considerable poise, F3.

True, if the traffic is jammed up and inching along, but if the traffic is heavy but flowing, with the lanes at different speeds, in 96 miles he could be passing that many cars.

...but will it take off if it's on a treadmill?

Only if his lane is free flowing and the other lane is filled bumper to bumper with stopped cars. For 96 miles.

36,000 cars times 14 feet for the average car length is 504,000 feet or 95.45 miles.

I've never seen driving conditions like that.

On a somewhat related note, if everyone maintains a following distance of 2 seconds (and we'll assume that's from the front of one vehicle to the front of the next to eliminate variances in vehicle length), then 30 vehicles per minute per lane will pass a given point, regardless of vehicle speed.

Isn't that interesting?

Why you gotta go break out the math on us, hlj? I was having such a good unproductive Friday, then you had to make me do math. :p

glatt started it.

and if glatt jumped off the Empire State Building, would you too?

I have to remind my wife that my car has only 1 steering wheel quite often.

It's a sure indicator that you are a geek when you start doing math on the numbers in a joke.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Have you seen this?

O M G

HOLY INSANITY BATMAN!!!

w...wa...want.

fucking flying squirrels

....pours another scotch and adds that to bucket list.....

Top gear had an episode where a British Red Devil in a wing suit raced a Porche Cayenne turbo.

Yeah, well he says, You can't fit 7 cars in 40 feet therefore he must be talking about the 7 lanes other than the one he's in, so he's counting the cars going the other way, I guess. I wouldn't call a car every 40 feet bumper to bumper. Also 40 into 5280 = 132 x 7 = 924, not 982. And 924 x 32 = 29,568 not 31,424, add the 4,000 on the other 64 miles of road and you get not 36,000 but a measly 33,568.

Say, you don't suppose he was exaggerating because it was a joke? :lol2:

I was waiting for someone to state the obvious.

Humor rule #1

Never tell a math joke to math nerds! :p

A funny I had stumbled upon the other day.

If you ever get the urge to take off your clothes and run around naked, the surgeon general has announced a remedy.
V



Sniff Windex, it stops streaking.

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered acup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking c olts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower , I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'

SMOKING
Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.

He gives the young boy
3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts
choking, going blue in the face.
The Father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping
him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.


Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.


A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business
suit, is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of
coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup
down, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from
her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.


Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the
boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first, then ever
so firmly.

After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up
the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.


Releasing the boys testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and
walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as
he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over
to the woman and starts thanking her, saying,"I've never seen anybody do
anything like that before.

It was fantastic! Are you a doctor?"
"No," replied the woman. "Divorce attorney".

:lol2:

A man is walking through the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to devour her right in front of the little girl’s screaming parents.

The man runs to the cage, hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the man returns her to her terrified parents.

A New York Times reporter has seen the whole scene and says to the rescuer. “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life,”.
“Why, it was nothing,” the man says. “Really, the lion was behind bars and I knew God would protect me just as He did Daniel in the lion’s den long, long ago. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt was right.”

“I noticed a bible in your pocket — are you a republican?” asked the journalist.
“Yes, and I’m a Christian on my way to a bible study,” the man replies.
“Well, I’ll make sure this act won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist and tomorrow’s paper will have this on the front page,” he says before leaving.

The following morning the man buys a copy of the New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on first page:
“Right Wing Republican Christian Fundamentalist Assaults African Immigrant and Steals His Lunch.”

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "You won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had sex over and over again. All the positions; everything!"

His friend replies, "That's great! Did you get a blowjob?"

"No, I couldn't find her head."

Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

But, when the bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.

"Well," said the other brother, "You said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie. So I rented him a tuxedo."

A mother and her 5yr old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes, she did...."

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."