Beethoven?

A man walks into a bar512.

Hey, der's a bar der, dar.

As in, a bar of classical music ....

I had doubts about that one from the start.

I thought it was good actually. It's just hard to demonstrate a musical phrase without sound. ;) I was just checking.

A barman ... walked into an Ali.
It was just beside the pub.

lol....yeah, having a durry.

Zen walked into a bar and ordered some gum.

It got stuck to him.

(sorry, it's all I've got)

That must be a joke. I never wonder about my rights. I'm certain about them at all times. :)

Radar walks into a bar and demands that he has the right to consume everything in the place.

UG walks into a bar, wonders who's going to prevent him from ordering, decides on the most likely person, and stabs him.

:lol:

I still don't get this one. :o

Correction...

Radar walks into a bar and demands that he has the right to consume everything in the place as long as he can pay for it all.

A bar is also a wooden counter for serving drinks and termites eat wood.

Yes Radar it was a joke...hence the location of the statement. ;)

It's about putting the correct em PHAY sis on the proper sill obble.

And still it took me a minute! :lol: I'm sitting here all quizzical faced. I'm mouthing "bart-ender? barten-DER?"
Thanks for the help!

OK:

Shawnee walks into a bar. It's been a crappy day and she orders 12 shots of Cuervo with beer backers.

You guys comin'?

;)

I'll just have crackers.

Let's have an impromptu baby shower while we're here!

I want to bring back a word from my childhood for times like this....

DOY!!!

:dunce:

lol...yeah, you sound like me at most baby showers I go to. Sitting there getting drunk, making wisecracks while the sensible mothers discuss things like shitty nappies and colic.

Hee hee

What have you done with the real Shawnee? Take off that mask and show us who you really are!


TW walks into a bar.
Ten minutes later the bartender is still listening and nodding politely, trying to figure out what he is trying to order.

...whilst wondering what his big dic has to do with it.

Maybe that's a ...... cock-tail ....



sorry.

funny

Three pregnant women were knitting sweaters for their soon-to-arrive babies, and chatting.
The first one said to the others, "I'm taking folic acid, so my baby will be healthy and have a robust immune system."
The second said, "Oh, I'm taking lots of calcium so my baby will be strong and grow tall."
The third said, "I'm taking Thalidomide."
The others reacted, of course, with horror. "Thalidomide! Why would you take that?"
"Because I don't know how to knit sleeves."

That Flipper joke was funnier'n hell.


A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you Sir?" "Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies. The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out... "Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!

Not yet, but I'm breathing hard...:blush:

That was too easy even for you, ya hornhornhorn dawgdawgdawg. :D

Inevitable, I suppose:

.

what, no cars up on blocks?

I hate to be the one to do it, but ...


Rumor has it that they hired the new White House Chef...





Colonel Sanders

They aren't rednecks. But you could show a chicken in the front yard, or a 77 Cadillac Eldorado convertible with a leopard skin interior.

THE WEDDING NIGHT

Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...
I gave him my airplane glue.

Hmmm, the ghetto fab places I've been have plenty of cars on blocks.

I was thinking there wasn't nearly enough living room furniture on the front porch... /going to hell

Actual call center conversations!

Customer: "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?"
Customer: "It's on the door of your business."
Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we are open."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think it means the telephone plug on the wall."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia ?"
Operator: "Does the product name give you a clue?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
"If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please"
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland ..."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "OK."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared"
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "OK. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!"

Not technically a true story.

http://www.snopes.com/humor/business/wordperfect.asp

Way to piss on our chips, Stress.

:D

You're welcome.

I once went to a tupperware party, complete with Tequila and pot for any who wanted to partake!

That's why its in the humor thread.

Yes, but the lead-in says it's a true story. Just because something is humorous doesn't mean it has to be false, and if it says it's true then it should be.

Sorry - it was an email - I never expected it to be true anyway.

For full disclosure, I was just curious if it was ;)

So did the hostess make a lot of sales??

"So, look dudettes...you can totally keep your stash in this compartment, right next to the Tollhouse cookies, and it will be so fresh it will be like you just grew it yourself. Also, this one comes with "Dog-gard" (patent pending) that masks the smell so you can smuggle some home from Mexico."

> A Family Christmas
>
> This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville
> Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest
> Christmas dinners. It won first prize.
>
> As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of
> panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He
> said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
>
> What they say about Santa checking the list twice
> must be true because every Christmas morning,
> although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his
> poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
>
> One year I decided to make his dream come true. I
> put on sunglasses and went in search of an
> inflatable love doll. They don't sell those
> things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult
> bookstore downtown.
>
> If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't
> go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an
> hour saying things like, 'What does this do?'
> 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy
> that?'
> Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
>
> I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll
> that could also substitute as a passenger in my
> truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush
> hour.
>
> Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls'
> come in many different models. The top of the
> line, according to the side of the box, could do
> things I'd only seen in a book on animal
> husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She
> was at the bottom of the price scale.
>
> To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of
> imagination.
>
> On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old
> bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
>
> My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in
> during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had
> come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose
> with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate
> some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of
> milk on a nearby tray. I went home and giggled
> for a couple of hours.
>
> The next morning my brother called to say that
> Santa had been to his house and left a present
> that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog
> confused. She would bark, start to walk away,
> then come back and bark some more.
>
> We all agreed that Louise should remain in her
> pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire
> her when they came over for the traditional
> Christmas dinner.
>
> My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she
> walked in the door.
> 'What the hell is that?' she asked.
> My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'
> 'Who would play with something like that?' Granny
> snapped.
> I kept my mouth shut.
> 'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.
>
> 'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay
> said, to steer her into the dining room.
>
> But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have
> any teeth?'
>
> Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It
> was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the
> back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny,
> hang on!'
>
> My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor
> eyesight, sidled up t o me and said, ' Hey, who's
> the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she
> was Jay's friend.
>
> A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the
> mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but
> actually flirting. It was then that we realized
> this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
>
> The dinner went well. We made the usual small
> talk about who had died, who was dying, and who
> should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a
> noise like my father in the bathroom in the
> morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew
> around the room twice, and fell in a heap in
> front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed
> cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran
> across the room, fell to his knees, and began
> administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
>
> My brother fell back over his chair and wet his
> pants.
>
> Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the
> room, and sat in the car.
>
> It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
>
> Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a
> thorough examination to decide the cause of
> Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had
> suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right
> thigh.
>
> Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct
> tape, we restored her to perfect health.
>
> I can't wait until next Christmas.

Well hell, that beats the time (I think I was 6 or 7) when my brother got up early and hid all my stash from Santa, and just put some rocks & stuff in my stocking.

Joe wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his Company's
Christmas Party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the
party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Joe had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw is
a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And,
next to them, a single red rose! Joe sits up and sees his clothing in
front of him,
all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in
perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes
the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him
in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of
the mirror written i n red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from
his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early
to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you,
Darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the
table, eating.

Joe asks: Son... what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M drunk and out of your mind. You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'

'Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect
order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table
waiting for me?'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT!.. Mom dragged
you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off , you
screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!'

Broken Coffee Table
$239.99

Hot Breakfast
$4.20

Two Aspirin
$.38

Saying the right thing, at the
right time......priceless!!

LOL!!! Jester's always rock!! lol!!

A man applies for a job at the Post Office. The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He says 'Yes - just caffeine'

'Have you ever been in the service?' 'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

The interviewer says, 'That will give you five extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, 'Yes 100%..an! IED ex ploded near me and blew my testicles off.'

The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM.

You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?

'This is a government job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.'

:thumb: Yay Jester!

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy and everything crazy going on in my life. So I called the Suicide lifeline.

Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck. :headshake

Hospital Humor


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k'?

Little Johnny


Teacher: “Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?”
Little Johnny: “None.”
Teacher: “Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?”
Little Johnny: “None.”
Teacher: “Can you explain that answer?”
Little Johnny: “One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left.”
Teacher: “Well, that isn’t the correct answer, but I like the way you think”
Little Johnny: “Teacher, can I ask a question?”
Teacher: “Sure.”
Little Johnny: “There are three women at the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?”
Teacher: “The one sucking the cone.” Little Johnny; “No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think

Ralph The Hen


Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into
Bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your
Sleep, Ralph..'
Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for.
Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and
That is as a chicken.'
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his
Home.. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking,
And pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day
Here?'
'Not bad, replied Ralph the hen, but I have this strange feeling inside. Like
I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '

'Never,' said Ralph.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He
Soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head,
And heard his wife yell..... Ralph! Wake up. You shit the bed!'

Dead Privates


An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
Yes, Nurse Tracy , said Mr. Wallace.
My private part died today and I am very sad.
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, Oh, I am so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences,
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. Mr. Wallace, she said, You shouldn t be walking down the hall like that! Please put your private part back inside your pajamas.
But Nurse Tracy I can t, replied Mr. Wallace. I told you yesterday that my private part died.
Yes, said Nurse Tracy, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas? Well, he replied, Today is the viewing!