WORLD WIDE NEWS ALERT....EMERGENCY
 

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers.

How to take a shower
 

How to Shower Like a Woman



1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.



2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.



3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups.



4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.



5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.



6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.



7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.



8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.



9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.



10. Rinse conditioner off hair.



11. Shave armpits and legs.



12. Turn off shower.



13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.



14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.



15. Check entire body for blemishes, tweeze hairs.



16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.



17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.





How to Shower Like a Man



1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.



2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.



3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.



4. Get in the shower.



5. Wash your face.



6. Wash your armpits.



7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.



8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.



9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.



10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.



11. Shampoo your hair.



12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.



13. Pee.



14. Rinse off and get out of shower.



15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.



16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.



17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.



18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.



19. Throw wet towel on bed.

lost cell phone
 

Several men are in the locker room of a golf course clubhouse. When a cell phone on a bench rings, a
man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,500. Can I buy it?"
MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2004 models. I saw one I really
liked - a little coupe.
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$68,000"
MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! One more little thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market.
They're only asking $750,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just offer $725,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up.
The other men are looking at him in astonishment with stark horror on their faces.
Then the man grins and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
====
Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
====
Republican's Answer:

BANG!
====
Southern Republican's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click ....(sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click
Daughter: "Nice group, mommy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?

No, honey, I switched to the Cor-Bons.

(and I'd need fewer bangs.)

The extra bangs are a litigation prevention measure.

Confessions of a closet carb fiend:

I probably shouldn't admit this to you younger readers, but when my
generation was your age, we did some pretty stupid things. I'm talking about
taking CRAZY risks. We drank water right from the tap. We used aspirin
bottles that you could actually open with your bare hands. We bought
appliances that were not festooned with helpful safety warnings such as ''DO
NOT BATHE WITH THIS TOASTER.''

But for sheer insanity, the wildest thing we did was -- prepare to be
shocked -- we deliberately ingested carbohydrates.

I know, I know. It was wrong. But we were young and foolish, and there was a
lot of peer pressure. You'd be at a party, and there would be a lava lamp
blooping away, and a Jimi Hendrix record playing (a ''record'' was a
primitive co! mpact disc that operated by static electricity). And then, when
the mood was right, somebody would say: ''You wanna do some 'drates?'' And
the next thing you know, there'd be a bowl of pretzels going around, or
crackers, or even potato chips, and we'd put these things into our mouths
and just ... EAT them.

I'm not proud of this. My only excuse was that we were ignorant. It's not
like now, when everybody knows how bad carbohydrates are, and virtually
every product is advertised as being ''low-carb,'' including beer, denture
adhesives, floor wax, tires, life insurance and Viagra. Back then, we had no
idea. Nobody did! Our own MOTHERS gave us bread!

Today, of course, nobody eats bread. People are terrified of all
carbohydrates, as evidenced by the recent mass robbery at a midtown
Manhattan restaurant, where 87 patrons turned their wallets over to a man
armed only with a strand of No. 8 spaghetti. (''Do what he says! He has
pasta!'') ! The city of Beverly Hills has been evacuated twice this month
because of reports -- false, thank heavens -- that terrorists had put a
bagel in the water supply.

But as I say, in the old days we didn't recognize the danger of
carbohydrates. We believed that the reason you got fat was from eating
''calories,'' which are tiny units of measurement that cause food to taste
good. When we wanted to lose weight, we went on low-calorie diets in which
we ate only inedible foods such as celery, which is actually a building
material, and grapefruit, which is nutritious, but offers the same level of
culinary satisfaction as chewing on an Odor Eater.

The problem with the low-calorie diet was that a normal human could stick to
it for, at most, four hours, at which point he or she would have no
biological choice but to sneak out to the garage and snork down an entire
bag of Snickers, sometimes without removing the wrappers. So nobody lost
weight, and everybody felt guilty all the time. Many people, in desperation,
turned to disco.

But then along came the bold food pioneer who invented the Atkins Diet: Dr.
Something Atkins. After decades of research on nutrition and weight gain --
including the now-famous Hostess Ding Dong Diet Experiment, which resulted
in a laboratory rat the size of a Plymouth Voyager -- Dr. Atkins discovered
an amazing thing: Calories don't matter! What matter are carbohydrates,
which result when a carbo molecule and a hydrate molecule collide at high
speeds and form tiny invisible doughnuts.

Dr. Atkins' discovery meant that -- incredible though it seemed -- as long
as you avoided carbohydrates, you could, without guilt, eat high-fat,
high-calorie foods such as cheese, bacon, lard, pork rinds and whale. You
could eat an entire pig, as long as the pig had not recently been exposed to
bread.

At first, like other groundbreaking pioneers such as Galil! eo and Eminem, Dr.
Atkins met with skepticism, even hostility. The low-calorie foods industry
went after him big time. The Celery Growers Association hired a detective to
-- yes -- stalk him. His car tires were repeatedly slashed by what police
determined to be shards of Melba toast.

But Dr. Atkins persisted, because he had a dream -- a dream that, some day,
he would help the human race by selling it 427 million diet books. And he
did, achieving vindication for his diet before his tragic demise in an
incident that the autopsy report listed as ''totally unrelated to the
undigested 28-pound bacon cheeseburger found in his stomach.''

But the Atkins Diet lives on, helping millions of Americans to lose weight.
The irony is, you can't tell this by looking at actual Americans, who have,
as a group, become so heavy that North America will soon be underwater as
far inland as Denver. Which can only mean one thing: You people are still
sneaki! ng Snickers. You should be ashamed of yourselves! Got any more?

Hey! Give my man Dave Barry some credit!

ah, so .....
it was sent to me in an email.....not credited.

good eye, HM

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. Yes, yes, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. Good" said the first bat, "because I fucken didn't"

A tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.

The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story".

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster. A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward the Bay. Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.

"Ahhh," said the owner, "You have come back for story?"

"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Liberal Democrat."

Tasteless humor:

(stop me if you've heard it before. . . ;))

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

....
...
....
...
....

full.

A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes
to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him
and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross
examine him about his recent diet.
"Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be
the problem?"
The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be.
Tell me a bit about this missionary."
"Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was
walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged
him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him."
"Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles
the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!"

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them.
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his
house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her... He's naked as well! That bitch!" He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."

links and such
 

not much in a joking mood right now.. but here are some fun links.

http://www.scarysquirrel.org/page1.html
(ware the fuzzy ones!)

http://www.millikin.edu/staley/fluff...nchor-Th-56460
(peep research.. yuppers the fluffy masrhmallow candy)

http://www.peepresearch.org/
(more peep research)

http://www.despair.com/indem.html
(de-motivators)

http://www.kaicurry.com/gwbush/more.html
(political cartoons)

http://www.crazybone.com/slang/index.php
(slang translator! take your favorite web site and have it translated to cockney rhyming slang!)

http://www.sr.se/cgi-bin/p1/src/sing/default.asp
(this is just cool)

http://home.bbspot.com/
(hee hee hee hee news for geeks..*clearing throat*)

http://www.moderndrunkardmagazine.com/bbs/
(because...well.... good stuff)

http://prairiehome.publicradio.org/
(need I say more.. I like variety shows)

those ought to hold you for a bit.

hmmm bad link. Nevermind

gurk..bleargh...jokes
 

Alright, years go there were two friends, the best friends in all the world.. Sam the Clam and Larry the Lobster, they spent all thier time together frollicking in the ocean, laughing, talking and generally causing the other marine life around them to give cause to stop.. point and speculate about 'just how close they really are..." at the weekly Bingo games..(but I assure they were just good friends.) but I digress... One day as they were merrily playing in a tidal pool some young buck strolls by and in that high squeaky voice that only young children have "look mommy!" as the proverbial 'hand of doom' reached into the tidal pool and pulled Sam the Clam from this world and into the next...Larry in a sudden pique of flight of fight reflex..fled..ran and ran and ran.. (and as you can imagine, that's kind of tricky for a Lobster on dry land..) back into the sea, narrowly escaping a simliar fate..
Once he was back in the ocean, he waited for a while to see if his old friend Sam the Clam would return.. he waited and waited and waited but eventually the reality of the situation settled on him like a ton of bricks (hee hee).... he became horribly morose and utterly depressed.. he began hanging out in the shadier sides of the reef and associating with lesss reputable species.. cuttlefish....gulf shrimp.. and moray eels... nasty bunch.. anyway! he stopped eating, sleeping and well.. eventually the life style he was leading caught up to him.. and Larry the Lobster shuffed off this mortal coil...
everything went black..
he saw a tunnel of light... and he began to ascend... the faces of friends and loved ones beckoned him onward..
eventually there he stood before the pearly gates...the sight was amazing! (and at the time he supressed a little victory dance.. he didn't feel it would be appropriate to do a little shimmy in the face of God..) SO! looking about and wondering what to do next.. he spies a tall handsome bearded fellow standing behind a podium.. this being really the only thing he sees... and being not the sharpest knife in the drawer.. figures (and rightly so) that perhaps this fellow could help.. so off Larry went..
Larry: "uh.. hello..I seem to uh.. be new here..and I was wondering what i should do now?"
St, Peter "AH.. welcome Mr. Lobster.. we've been expecting you"
Larry "really?... I mean towards the end there and all..I..uh.."
St peter "think nothing of it..."
Larry "on my way up I saw the faces of all my loved oned and all that.. but there was one I didn't see...."
St. Peter "oh.. Sam the Clam....."
Larry (excitedly) "RIGHT! he was just busy during my ascention (suprising himself that he remembered such a big word)....wasn't he?!"
St. Peter "ah..well you see....Sam didn't lead a life such as yours.. and *clearing throat* other accomodations had to be provided..."
Larry "What! you mean!!?!?!?!?!?!?"
St. Peter "yes.. that's right.." (pointing downward, shaking his head with a sad look in his eyes)
Larry "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I never even got to say goodbye..." (as he breaks down into a fit of hysterical sobbing)
St Peter "Look, Larry.. I tell you what.. we brokered a deal with the Infernal powers...It allows new arrivals an opportunity to travel to the Nether Regions to say good bye to thier not so 'propper' Loved ones.. before they get through the gates of heaven.. I take it you'd be up for that then?"
Larry (with a hopefull look in his eyes) "really...."
St. Peter "really here's the catch though...you have two weeks, no more and no less, and we're going to give you your wings, your Halo and your Harp now.. so they don't just throw you into a lake of fire or somesuch.."
Larry "lake of fire....."
St Peter "not to worry, as long as you have your wings, your Halo and you Harp.. when you get back... everything will be fine and you can bask in the glory of god for all eternity"
Larry "alright! lets go!"
so donning his wings and halo with his harp slung jauntily over one of his many shoulders off he goes.. the Elevator arrives and in he steps..
of course there is only one button...thankfully for Larry..
SO! down he goes.. and down and down and down.. eventually the lift stops.. and the doors slide ominously open... to reveal....An exact copy of Las Vegas crossed with Branson Missouri and New Jersey... ah teh smell of cheap perfume, swamp gas and buttered pop-corn assailed poor Larrys' Nostrils.... but after a moment his head had cleared up and he felt more or less alright.. so off he went in search of his long lost friend...Sam the Calm.. after stumbling around the Hellish conglomeration for a while.. he eventually spies an "information booth" and a large handsome, reddish fellow...casually thumbing through the new tax codes and chuckling a little under his breath...
Larry "uh... helllo sir?"
The Devil "Oh.. Hello....ah have you had a look at this?" (lifting the 40,000 page volume into view) "some of my best work yet.."
Larry "no sir..I'm just a lobster...I've never had to pay taxes..or have a job"
The Devil "hmmmm... well... that's no good..we'll see what we can do about that...But! anyway how may I help you young Lobster?" (breaking into his trademarked 'sly grin'
Larry "I'm uh.. looking for a friend of mine.. they said he was here..."
The Devil (producing an envelope from no-where) "Tell you what..if i can guess the name of your friend...I get to keep your imortal soul...deal?" (raising the envelope to his forhead...)
Larry "uh... no sir...I've already gotten my wings, Halo and Harp.. they're really expecting me back..."
The Devil "oh....alrighty then...*sigh* but i do love that tick..." (pening the envelope slightly dejectedly..) "Ah! Sam the Clam... yes.. he owns a disco down the street..."
Larry (looks down the nearest street only to discover to his horror that every builing is a disco!) "but..but..how ever will I find him?"
The Devil "Mwaa-haa-haa-haaa!... ah that's nt as much fun as it used to be....it's the 300,000th disco to the left... have fun... you want i should call you a cab?..."
Larry "uh no thanks...." and off he runs
eventually there he is standing before his old freind Sam the Clams disco.. In he goes and it is a joyous tearful re-union suffice to say the two old friends spend the entire week induldging in all of Hells finer pleasures
Larry blacks out... doesn't remember much of anything.. except at the end of the two week period sam and some other crustations pouring him into the elevator wishing him happy basking and promises that we'll keep in touch...
SO! hte elevator finally arrives back in heaven... Larry staggers out of the elevator and stumbles up to St. Peter..
Larry "oooooohhhhh ouch"
St. Peter "Bravo young Mr. lobster! you're back right on time... lets se if you have all your things so you can get into heaven..."
Larry "oooohh ouch"
St. Peter..." let's see it looks like you've got your wings...check"
Larry (rolling over to vomit one more time) "uuuhhhh"
St Peter "you've got your Halo...check"
Larry "aaasprin.. please god...have mercy"
St Peter "hmmm.. but where is your harp?..Larry! where's you'r Harp?!?"
Larry (in sudden shock!) "OH NO! I LEFT ME HARP IN SAM CLAMS DISCO....(sorry you have to say it out loud


secondly
Q.) how many animals can you find in a pair of womens pantyhose?

A.) 10 little piggies
2 calves
1 ass
1 beaver
and a fish no one can seem to find

That was the longest pun I've ever heard! <slaps you upside the head with a joke book>

YEAH, I'M PISSED. that's 4 or 5 minutes of my life that i'll never get back......that huge long tale just for a lousy pun? you should be ashamed, sir. ashamed, I say!

you want a good "out loud" joke?

it's much shorter.

ask some one " what's the opposite of above me?"

the answer is "below me" said out loud, you'll hear " blow me"

try it out on your mother in law.

I liked it, Cowhead, don't mind the whiners.:)

A really old Jewish man wins the largest jackpot in California lottery history. He's on television accepting his giant check when a reporter asks him if he'd like to say anything.

The old man says, "Yes, I would like to thank Hitler!"

The reporter is shocked and asks "Hitler!?!? You want to thank Hitler?!?"

The old man points to his arm and says, "Yep, he's the one who gave me the numbers."

you didn't have to read it you know :))
 

I've got more along the same line.. so be carefull or you'll get both barrells .

speaking of bad jokes that you have to say out loud.
Q.) what do you call a deer with no eyes?
A.) a bad eye deer

Q.) what do you call a with no eyes and no legs?
A.) Still no eye deer

Q.) what do you call a deer with no eyes no legs and copulating?
A.) still no f*cking eye deer

bah dump dump dah! thanks folks I'll be here all week at five and nine... don't forget to tip your bartenders and waitesses!

:D

Mr. and Mrs. Whale are swimming along in the ocean when they come across some stranded sailors in a lifeboat. Mr. says to Mrs. Whale, "Hey, go blow some bubbles under their boat and see what happens!"
"I don't know," Mrs. Whale says, "well, ok." So she gets right under the boat and start blowing bubbles. Suddenly the boat turns over and all the sailors are in the water.
"That was Great!" Mr. Whale says, " Hey, eat some and see how they taste!"
"Look," says Mrs. Whale, "I went along with your blow job but NO WAY am I going to swallow any Seamen"

This isn't exactly a joke, but I did find it humorous.

From the Netflix web site... renter reviews of the DVD "Strawberry Shortcake: Get Well Adventure":

"Don't get me wrong - I like Strawberry Shortcake and my two-year old twins adore "cake", but this DVD is horrible. The story is based around Honey Pie Pony sustaining an injured leg and her friends, including Huckleberry Pie and Orange Blossom, coming to her rescue. They bend over backward for her and all she does is complain. It would be fine if it were once or twice, but the dang pony just keeps droning on and on and on, which quickly becomes painful & frustrating to listen to."

"I have never seen a Strawberry Shortcake book, movie or cartoon. I was shocked to see how much sugary treats occupy the characters' attention. It encourages kids (directly and indirectly) to have bad nutrition. The narrative, characters and plot were not enough to make me overlook this (as I do for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, I confess). Insipid, shallow, annoying, and bad for the teeth."

"So it's no surpise that this is sickly sweet, is it? For parents of girls ages 3 to 7, turn on the DVD and run like heck into the other room. My girls loved it, but I couldn't take it, even as background noise. What little bit I saw was harmless .... maybe a bit heavy on the reference to sweets, so beware if you're trying to pursue healthy eating with your kids. The "tension", if any, in the show is from an injured pony's bad attitude about being bedridden. No violence; I don't even think the pony's fall is shown. Rent at your own risk for your kids, then run ...."


And yes, this DVD will be appearing at the Dallas household in the next couple of days. Anybody wanna come over & watch it? :vomit:

CNN Urban Style



http://home.dejazzd.com/helminger/ghetto%20cnn.jpg

Thanks to UT's blog link for this one.


Q. Why are Essex girls only allowed 30 minute lunch breaks?
A. It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.

Q: Why do Essex girls wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.

more.

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie. ...

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. . .

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not ...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is.... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

16. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

17. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

18. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

19. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

20. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

I do believe that was the funniest post thus far!!!!! :D

state motto contest
 

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well, Okay, We're Not,
But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Swedens
(For Most Tax Brackets)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber,
Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oregon: Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tennessee: The Educashun State
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Texas: Sí, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Vermont: Yep
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels don't Mix?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Washington, D.C: Wanna Be Mayor?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men...And The Sheep Are Scared!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, several
southern TV stations are joining together and are planning to do their own, entitled "Survivor: Southern Style."

The contestants will start in Alabama, travel over to Georgia
and on to South Carolina. From there they will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee. They will then proceed down to Mississippi and Louisiana, finally ending up back
over in Alabama.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and large bumper stickers that read: I'm Gay, I'm a Vegetarian, NASCAR Sucks, Go Yankees!, Smoking is for Idiots, Hillary in 2004, Deer Hunting is Murder, and I'm Here to Confiscate Your Guns!


The first one that makes it back to Montgomery alive, wins.

My name is Billy Evans. I am a very sick little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. The reason she is so sad is because I'm so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I try to breathe. The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us
having no money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money. Mommy doesn't work because she said nobody hires crying people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap and it
makes her sneeze and chafes her real bad. I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this email to everyone you know. Forward it to people you don't know, too. Dr. Johansen said that for every person you forward this email to, Bill Gates will team up with AOL and send a nickel to NASA. With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from school children all over America and have the astronauts take them up into space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will
come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send all the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better then. Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Right now I can only be third base. Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take more prayers to the angels and my dream will be closer to coming true. Please help me. Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10. If
you don't forward this email, that's okay. Mommy says you're a mean and heartless bastard who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that if you don't stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow, horrible death and then burn forever in hell. What kind of cruel person are you that you can't take five fuckin' minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame about ignoring a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy? Please help me. I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn't chew on me and try to bury its turds in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that very much.



Thank
You,

Billy "Smiles" Evans



P.S. You can send money to the person who sent you this
because that person is very trustworthy.

Got this in an e-mail yesterday, don't know who the author was but I wish it would have been me...



The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate
of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I
sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having an affair with her, then number 2 above cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze over.

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

jdbutler's test answer posting reminded me of this one, though I don't know it's actually a true story:

That reminds me of another urban legend...

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as 'Bonkistry'. He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this. Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final, they had a solid A.

These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said:

(95 points) Which tire?

I've heard the same story; I suspect it's as old as the automobile, and perhaps there's a version involving horses throwing a shoe.

Of course, nowadays students who use the flat tire excuse agree on a tire beforehand (but don't spontaneously mention it to the professor)

Osama dies and...
 

>After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was greeted by
>George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at
>him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"
>
>
>Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted, "You
>wanted to end our liberties but you failed."
>
>James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the groin and said, "This is why I
>allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
>
>Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long
>cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration
>to pen the Declaration of Independence! ".
>
>These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe and
>66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim
>terrorist leader.
>
>As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain an Angel appeared.
>Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel, "This is not what you
>promised me."
>
>The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you
>in heaven. What did you think I said?"
>

Greg made a living as a "session musician." He wasn't in a band; he played his clarinet for background music in commercials and such. He was very good.

One day he took a job playing for the soundtrack of a movie. When he was finished, and they were writing his check, he asked the girl what movie his music would be in.

She gave him a funny look. "They didn't tell you?"

"No," said Greg.

"Well ... it's a porno movie. It'll be released next month."

Greg had never played for a movie soundtrack before, and was very disappointed. But he wanted to hear his music anyway, so one day he found himself buying a ticket at a dirty little theater in the gay section of town.

Greg had never been inside a porno theater before. It smelled of urine. Soon after he sat down, a nice-looking elderly couple came in and sat down next to him. Greg was very surprised, and absolutely mortified. He had never seen them before, but they were the kind of people who went to his church every Sunday: gray-haired, clean-cut, conservative, polite, nicely dressed.

The movie finally started. It turned out to be the very worst kind of pornography: threesomes, foursomes, oral sex, anal sex, lesbians, masochism, sadism. Just when Greg thought it couldn't get any worse, a dog got into the act, mingling freely with the humans, performing sex acts with them.

Greg couldn't stand it anymore. He decided to leave. He leaned over to the little old lady and said, "Ma'am, I'm going to leave now. I've never been to this kind of theater before, and I only came here for the music."

She smiled sweetly and said, "Oh, I understand. We just came here to see our dog."

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor began the lecture by telling them. "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.

Wolf that one is a slightly modified form of an oldie but goodie

My Mum is (was?) a doctor, she told me that the same story about 20 years ago, but instead of a corpse it was the slighly more believable story involving the taste of sugar in the urine of a diabities patient, the fingers switch the same..she told the story as happened to her when she was a Medical Student in the early 60's.

Unfortuantly she has alzheimer's now, doesn't know my or her name, hasn't uttered a word in four years, can't get out of her chair.

Hope I don't jinx the humor thread with that reality, but thanks for making me remember her telling me the story :D

The man and the little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes." When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, lad, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

An old man is sitting in a park when a young punk wanders nearby. The punk's hair is extreme to say the least--red, orange, green, purple, all spiked straight up. The old man stares. Finally, the punk turns and says, "What, you never did anything crazy in your life?"

The old man smiles and says, "Actually, when I was in the war, some buddies of mine and I got so drunk one night, that I had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if maybe you were my son."

I don't remember if I posted this already
 

http://www.candyboots.com/wwcards.html

do yourself a favour and take a look at these, the first time I ran across them I almost pissed myself I was laughing so hard, showed them to a friend the other night and.. yuppers they are still funny as hell.

Re: I don't remember if I posted this already
 

You're right. They're funny...... and disturbing..... don't forget disturbing. I'll be having bad food nightmares for weeks.

A local law enforcement officer stops a car for
traveling faster than the
posted speed limit.

Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to
give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.

So, he asks the man his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the
man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands
but plays along with it.

"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with
me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time.
So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good
grades.

When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a
doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree. So I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

After awhile, I got bored being a doctor so I
decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through
school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, started fooling around
with my assistant. She gave me VD.
So I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took
away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away
my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just
FRED."

The officer walked away in tears from laughing so
hard and tore up the warning.

Damn, this is just funny....in a wierd kind of cellar-way. I figured you guys would appreciate the humor.


Ebay Trickster

The Local Cow Dealer
 

A local car dealer, who was known to have taken advantage of some people in the community, wanted to purchase a cow from a farmer. So the farmer priced the cow in a way the car dealer could understand:
BASIC COW: $499.95
Shipping and Handling: $35.75
Extra Stomach: $79.25
Two-tone Exterior: $142.50
Deluxe Dual Horns: $59.25
Automatic Fly Swatter: $74.55
Four-spigot/high output drain system: $149.20
Automatic fertilizer attachment: $339.40
Farmer's suggested list price: $1,379.85
Additional Dealer Adjustments: $300.00
TOTAL LIST PRICE (including options): $1,679.85

so....., what's the punch line?

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:

8:00 a.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 a.m.Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 a.m.Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!
11:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
Noon- Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 p.m.Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 p.m.Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite!
5:00 p.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 p.m.Oh, boy! Pretty Mums! My favorite!
6:00 p.m.Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!
8:30 p.m Oh, boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!


EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

Day 183 of My Captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an
informant, he speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the high metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time ....

Forward this e-mail I got, replying to the questions in your own words
 

Return directions: Now, here's what you are supposed to do..... and do not spoil the fun. Copy (not forward) this entire email and paste it onto a new email that you will send. Change all of the answers so that they apply to you. Then send this to all of your friends and including
the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little known facts about those who know you. Remember to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Have a great day my friends and God Bless each and every one of you.

These are my answers:

1. What time is it? Please be more specific

2. Name as it appears on birth certificate? It appears to be 12-point Courier

3. Number of candles on your last birthday cake? None. We did put an M-80 on it, though. That turned out cool

4. Dog? I thought these questions were about me, not the old lady

5. Hair color? I'm starting to get a creepy feeling this e-mail is some intelligence gathering scheme of the Dept. of Homeland Security

6. Piercing? No, because it is a gateway to Brosnaning, which is worse than an eternity in Hell

7. Tattoos? When I was young I got one that said 'Born to Raise Hell'. Now I'm just wishing I could raise my dick

8. Eye color? I don't know. I can't see myself in a mirror

9. Birthplace? It was a real god-awful mess when it was all over, I've been told

10. Favorite foods? Anything somebody else pays for

11. Ever been to Africa? Officially, no

12. Been toilet papering? At least once a day, more often as needed

13. Love someone so much it made you cry? Yes, I cried 'Bitch!'

14. Been in a car accident? Yes. Actually, it wasn't really an accident. I did it on purpose

15. Favorite salad topping? Naked women

16. Favorite day of the week? When you're unemployed, who the fuck cares?

17. Favorite restaurant? The Four Seasons in New York. Never been there, but I've heard it's good. Does anyone know if they have Buffalo Wings?

18. Favorite flower? Artificial

19. Favorite sport to watch? Gladiators

20. Favorite drink? Whatta ya got?

21. Favorite Ice Cream Flavor? The Baskin-Robbins 31-Flavors-All-in-One-Cone. It gets looks on the street, and nobody minds if you drip any on them

22. Movie company Disney or Warner Bros? Neither. Who is Ron Jeremy working for these days?

23. Favorite fast food restaurant? Surprisingly, robbing McDonalds is a relatively easy score. They sure as fuck ain't hiring any heroes

24. What color is your bedroom carpet? What would you call a 20-year accumulation of beer spills, bong water, cigarette burns, dog shit, urine from most known life forms? I know: 'College Collage'

25. How many times you failed your driver's test? You mean there is actually a person in this town who passed one?

26. Before this one, whom did you get your last email from? RRedd hot !!! Teeen^^^slutzzzs##are the~~~shnizzle%%for**your<><>wizzzle.. Come one & all@@@

27. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? The crack house at MLK and 5th, only they don't take credit cards

28. What do you do most often when you are bored? You mean like in the movie 'Body Double'? That looked really painful, getting drilled right through the floor

29. Most annoying thing people say to me? "You look just like your mother." "Hey, asshole, do you see any tits on me?"

30. Bedtime? I never fall asleep. I pass out.

31. Who will respond to this email the quickest? The Republican National Party, requesting a donation

32. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond? Osama Bin Laden

33. Favorite TV show? I've never really liked anything on TV since they stopped showing test patterns late at night

34. Last person you went out to dinner with? I'm happy to say it was NOT Jeffrey Dahmer

35. What are you listening to right now? Voices. They're telling me to kill you

This young man in the Old West wanted to be the
best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in
a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation
of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. The
young man walked up to the old man and told him his
dream.

The old man looked him up and down and said "I
have a suggestion that is sure to help." "Tell me,
tell me," said the young man. "Tie the bottom of your
holster lower onto your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"Definitely," said the old man. The young guy did
what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie
off he piano player.

"Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more
suggestions?" "Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of
your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come
out smoother."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "It sure
will," said the old man.

The young guy did what he was told and drew his
gun and shot a cufflink off the piano player. "This is
really helping me. Is there anything else you can
share with me?"

"One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can
of axle grease
over there in the corner and rub it all over your
gun." The young fellow didn't hesitate but started
putting the grease on the gun.

"No, the whole gun, handle and everything." said
the old man. "Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"No," said the old man, "But when Doc Holliday gets
done playing that piano he's going to shove that gun
up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."

Ted Kennedy has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here, " says the devil. "You are on my list but have no room for you." "You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do."

"I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Ted thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" Ted said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Ted.

The devil opened a third door.. In it, Ted saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose.

Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Ted looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said............

OK, Monica, you're free to go!"

Ok, this is a forward, but it's good....

Cool chocolate math...
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute.......
Work this out as you read.
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked
it out! This is not one of those waste of time things,
it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that
you would like to have chocolate. (try for more than
once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)

3. Add 5. (for Sunday)

4. Multiply it by 50

5. If you have already had your birthday this year
add 1754.... If you haven't, add 1753 .....

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number

The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each
week).

The next two numbers are your age.

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR IT WILL EVER WORK

Escape from Neverland


Oh, DAMN!

:haha:

Sidhe

Toilet Paper Fashions

I mean, how bored do you have to be?

I can't decide where to put this, so here it is:

Subject: Time to re-evaluate our involvement?



Every day there are news reports about more deaths.
Every night on TV there are photos of death and
destruction. Why are we still there?

We occupied this land, which we had to take by force,
but it causes us nothing but trouble. Why are we still
there?

Many of our children go there and never come back. Why
are we still there?

Their government is unstable, and they have loopy
leadership. Why are we still there?

Many of their people are uncivilized. Why are we still
there?

The place is subject to natural disasters, which we
are supposed to bail them out of. Why are we still
there?

There are more than 1000 religious sects, which we do
not understand. Why are we still there?

Their folkways, foods and fads are unfathomable to
ordinary Americans. Why are we still there?

We can't even secure the borders. Why are we still
there?

They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost
billions more to rebuild, which we can't afford. Why
are we still there?

It is becoming clear...







WE MUST PULL OUT OF CALIFORNIA!!!



:D :D :D

Re: The Local Cow Dealer
 

I posted that one to him already, as I recall....;)

Sidhe

Edit:
here

Re: Re: The Local Cow Dealer
 

TO WHO?

To YOU.