The sun blows up and we all live in perpetual darkness. But then we freeze to death.

I wish I can finish my paper topic today.

You finish your paper topic today, but then you discover that you have forgotten to prepare for a test, you are going to class in nothing but your underwear, and you have forgotten your locker combination.

I wish that I *knew how* to do plumbing.

You are now able to flawlessly accomplish any plumbing task, due to the overnight "Edward Scissorhands"-type growth of plumber's tools on your arms and toilet plungers on your legs.



I wish I could get a scholarship to finish my Masters Degree.

You discover that by virtue of your name and birth date you qualify for a scholarship set up by an eccentric millionaire. It not only covers your tuition fees but also provides a housing, clothing & social budget. Wow!

Sadly, the year after you graduate there is a successful coup by a Khmer Rouge style regime. The educated and intellectual classes are forced to work menial and backbreaking tasks or risk torture and/ or summary execution.

I wish it was payday today instead of tomorrow.

Careful what you wish for. You may pick up your check at the front desk immediately. You're fired.

I wish I could remember the login credentials for this stinkin router.

You suddenly recall the login credentials, but are struck by a freak surge of electricity just as you finish typing them in on the keyboard. For the rest of your life, all you are able to say is, "username...password...username...password"

I wish that I could take a vacation trip.

you decide to take a little vacation trip. Unfortunately, you decide to take it in the copy room at work. The same day, your boss decides to do a random drug test, and they find the LSD in your pee.

I wish the little rubber pads on the bottom of my laptop didn't keep falling off.

The local hardware store has some ingenious doublesided tape that can be cut to fit those little feet and the sockets into which they fit. Voila'! The feet are firmly attached to your laptop. You discover that they are *permanently* attached when you try to follow the support tech's simple instructions to reset your machine and you cannot access the microswitch under the cover held in place by the screw forever hidden by the little rubber foot. But hey it will never mar your coffee table.

I wish I had sufficient discipline in my personal life to exercise more.

You begin to exercise with an almost religious-like fervor, but keep at it until you make this guy look normal. You are unable to bend your arms enough to feed yourself, become bedridden, and waste away to a former shadow of your less-active self.

I wish I had a nice, quiet, 9-5 office job.

You get a nice, quiet, 9-5 job working in Bill Clinton's office. Fellating him.

I wish they'd let me take home a copy of the software I installed at work today.

Your employer lets you take home a copy of the software you installed at work today, then a coworker turns both you and your boss in for piracy in order to receive financial gain, and remove the last two obstacles to their advancement.

I wish that the Chiefs were 6-0 right now.

the morning paper arrives with CHIEFS 6-0 in bold on the cover. In reading the story though, you find that Priest Holmes tore an ACL, and is done for the year.

I wish the next person to post would think of something really really funny to say.

The next person to post says something really, really funny, and you laugh so hard that you aspirate your ham and cheese sandwich, falling forward and impaling your head on the hood ornament of the Lexus SUV you were dealing for as a tradein on a new hybrid econobox. It takes three hours to surgically remove the smile from the face of the customer, who dies laughing.

I wish that the Chiefs had two Larry Johnsons to take up the rest of Priest Holmes' slack this season.

granted. the chiefs now have 2 Larry Johnsons. the only problem is: their both Ghey and so into each other no one can get them to come out of the showers for any practices, let alone games.

i wish i had an ice cold heineken right now.

You have an ice-cold heineken -- thrown in your face by the attractive chick you just insulted at a bar. And her steroid-using boyfriend is coming over to see what the fuss is all about...

I wish my boss would see why his idea won't work.