It's wonderful to hear you've been able to ask for help, SG. As far as 'not getting anything done until Thursday' goes, it was making a start, as you said. You should be proud of that. My own experiences with (mild) depression showed me how apathetic and listless I could be. I sometimes found myself being quite happy I'd managed to do something as simple as cooking dinner. I hope your situation continues to improve.

I suppose rubbish picking may be popular all over. I've most often heard it referred to as "dumpster diving." (I believe "gleaning" is a much nicer term.) My boss and one of my fellow employees often bring furniture, tools, and appliances into work -- items they found being tossed by people along their route to work. They repair/ spruce up these finds and either take them home or sell them on e-Bay.

SG, I, too, am glad you're able to ask for help and accept it when offered, and that things are looking up for you. I left a relatively new flymo lawnmower and strimmer that I just kept breaking by the rubbish and they've gone walkies, too. I'm only too glad if someone else has managed to make'em work - they just weren't the tools for my clumsy attempts at garden maintenance and I was fed up with having to pay for repairs.

Just to do a quick update. Since SG doesn't currently have access to internet now.

I went over to Leicester on the train yesterday, met up with Sundae. It was really nice to meet her face to face (first time I've ever met a dwellar irl!) and we started out with a visit to a pub, where we sat outside and drank beers. Got talking to a strange (if slightly compelling) chap and generally had a laugh.

Then went over to her house. Did a bunch of bagging and boxing and sorting. Was quite funny to see how many of her books I also have at home :P Then when we'd done that for a few hours, we went back into town, had another pint and a subway (meatball marinara for me. I am convinced I could live solely on that) and I caught the train back home.

I think Sundae is getting on top of it again. She said to say hi :)

Cool! I'm glad both that she's working at it and that you had some fun while lending a hand.

Here in Ann Arbor ,Michigan, that's what you do -put it on the kerb and hope someone takes it. Otherwise you have to pay to dump it. I love this system. I suspect it's pretty universal in the US.

p.s. just in case it's not obvious, skip = dumpster.

Thanks for the update Dana. Cool you two got to meet, and I'm glad SG is doing better. She's a fine human being, and you're not so bad yourself Dana. :)

I've only had it happen for me once, when I was moving out of a house in DC. Almost every item I put out in the alley for garbage pickup disappeared within an hour of being thrown out, from lamps to wrapping paper to dead plants, and even a 4' x 6' collage of magazine photos my (then teenage) sister had made. It was a little weird.

I want to say goodbye.

I want to say a lot of things. I hurt. I'm scared and confused. I'm angry. I am overwhelmed.

I have nowhere to turn. I have no one who will stand for me. There are some people who have politely listened to my crying and complaining, some of you. I'm tired. All my life, I've done it myself. And now, I can't. I don't see how

I'm no t really very clear right now nsorry.

I want someone else to carry this weight. I want help. I coan't do it myslef..

...


imagining what happens when they find me dead..

weak. incapable. hardheaded prideful do it yourselfish fucker. despised and derided in death as in life. alone, still, again, still forever. Wife will say I knew he was fucked up. good riddance. free at last. free from his stalking. free from his violence and his demeaning belittling meanness. no more of his lying and his dictating. His interference and his


OlderSon will say good, glad he's gone. now we can be happy. can I have his stuff?

MiddleDaughter will cry, may miss me some.

YoungerSon will be stunned, but the propaganda from W will rush in to fill the void. nothing good will be said about me and the whole episode will be spun as a silver lining. emancipation. I will be remembered as something survived. Something endured, like Auschwitz. Thank God that's over!

Mother will cry, won't understand.

Sisters will cry, rage impotently at W, decrease communication with W and YS from current zero to minus one.

BrotherOne may not notice.

BrotherTwo will cry, will understand. Will shake his head in sadness that I wasn't stronger. will recover.

A handful of others will notice, a couple will care. none will be deflected in the slightest from their course in life. A few dwellars will eventually notice, one or more will gloat. My dog will suffer a loss of status, become an outdoor dog. Work will pay bureaucratic notice only.

I'll have to be cleaned up or picked up or something. A part of somebody's job. But it won't be "care" really. But at least the pain and the noise will stop.

Deuce. Please, please get some counselling. Many of us here are only too willing to listen and to offer advice, but you need someone who knows what they are doing/talking about. You sound to me like you are carrying too heavy a weight to deal with alone. There is nothing shameful in seeking help. You don't have to deal with this by yourself. Talk to your doctor, seek some counselling, please.

All good thoughts you Deuce.

Duece - STOP. TAKE A MOMENT. CALL A SUICIDE HOTLINE RIGHT NOW - -800-784-2433. DO NOT LET ANYONE HAVE SO MUCH CONTROL OVER YOU AS TO MAKE YOU TAKE YOUR OWN LIFE.

I have mostly avoided this thread. But, I am honestly emotionally upset at the thought of you taking your life. Please, do not.

Deuce, I don't want to say goodbye. Everyone has worth, so please don't underestimate your own. I wish I could do something to help you, brother. As Dana said, please talk to a professional. I'm praying for you and hope you find the right help.

Oh god, Deuce. Please call a hotline or something. You are worthy. Please please please listen to theotherguy. We're hurting for you, with you. That must mean something.

god.


thank you all.

calling now.