Are you saying he had sex in the bridges so many times he could paint them from memory?

A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life.

He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."

So the grandson did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.

When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren

...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Physics jokes
 

A cop pulls a car over and asks to see a driver's license. He looks at it and asks "Dr. Heisenberg, do you know how fast you were going?"

Dr. Heisenberg answers, "I have no idea. But I know precisely where I was."

...

Later the cop pulls a second car over, and after looking at the driver's license says "Dr. Schroedinger, I noticed you were driving erratically. Do you mind if I search your car?"

Dr. Schroedinger gives him permission.

After searching, he comes back to the driver's window. "Dr. Schroedinger, are you aware that there's a dead cat in your trunk?"

Dr. Schroedinger says, "Well, there is now."

Two atoms are talking. The first atom says, "I'm really worried. I think I have l lost one of my electrons!" The second atom asks, "Are you sure?" "Yes", the first atom answers, "I'm positive!"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Wasn't that an IoTD?

I dunno - I thought I'd seen it somewhere before - couldn't find it so there it is. If was - A mod can delete it.

.

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.
The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and
readied themselves for the fight.

The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food.
The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle.
At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.

When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in).

The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

Recently I've linked to a few videos by Roy Zimmerman which mock conservatives. I hereby redress the balance, and bring you Roy mocking Liberals.

Zen, I have spent all day watching his videos thanks to you. That guy is a frigging genius.

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count
as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man
reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was
as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc,
it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I
tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then
with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the
teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first
with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your
neighbor?'

The old man replied, Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!

A peanut butter and jelly sandwich walked into a bar, the bartender looked at it and said "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."

A skeleton walked into a bar, and said, "Gimme a beer! And a mop."

I just liked it and wanted to share it. It doesn't really belong in the wtf thread not was there any other category to put it.



http://www.platinumfmd.com.br/portfo...hapeuzinho.jpg

I like it!

BEAR SEX

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try some bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska , spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have sex.'

After considering his situation briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.

So the black bear had his way with Frank. And even though he felt very sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the same black bear and shot it dead.

Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said, 'That was a big mistake, Frank. You killed a cousin of mine and now you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex.'

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.

This time Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the very same grizzly bear and shot it- dead.

He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was yet another tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, 'Admit it, Frank. You don't come here for the hunting, do you?'

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.



He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'



The boy replied, 'What turkey?'



The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'



The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'



The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.



If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'



The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!'

Irony: Mark Webber crashes his push bike so that he can't crash his car again till next March.

(MW is Australias best F1 driver...unfortunately he usually crashes during qualifying...or on the first turn of the race)

perry bible fellowship for the win

I wonder if that was inspired by the lost toolbag in space.

What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 state workers?



.... 100 people that don't do dick!

I heard that as a million lesbians and the million man march, but that is so un pc

B/c the state workers would be offended?;)

Football fans!

http://www.twincities.com/ci_1107524...ce=most_viewed

http://www.desmoinesregister.com/art.../NEWS/81126006

Bob took his nymphomaniac wife to the doctor for treatment. "This is one hot potato of a lady, Doctor," he said. "Maybe you can do something for her? She goes for any man, and I get very jealous."

"We'll see," the doctor said. He directed the missus into his examining room, closed the door behind him and told her to undress. Then he told her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach.

The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to moan and squirm. It was too much for him to resist, and he climbed up on top of her and began to screw her.

Bob heard moans and groans coming from the room. Unable to control himself, he pushed open the door, only to be confronted by the sight of the doctor astride his wife banging away.

"Doctor, what are you doing?" he asked.

The flustered doctor said, "Oh, it's you, Bob? I'm only taking your wife's temperature!"

Bob opened his switchblade knife and began to wipe it on his sleeve very deliberately. "Ok Doc,....." he said, "but when you take that thing out, it better have numbers on it!"

SPANISH WORDS OF THE DAY

CHEESE - Maria likes me, but cheese fat.
MUSHROOM - When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
SHOULDER - My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
TEXAS - My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
HERPES - Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
JULY - Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
RECTUM - I had two cars but my wife rectum!
CHICKEN - I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
WHEELCHAIR - We only have one enchalada left, but don't worry, wheelchair.
CHICKEN WING - My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
HARASSMENT - My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.
BISHOP - My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
BODY WASH - I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
BRIEF - Maria fart in my car and it stinkie so bad I could not brief.

LMAO @ Mud

bwahahahahahahahaha :D

The Pink Envelope...

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of
the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing
$1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he
watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the
distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the
pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the
collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give
some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; What does he do for
a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he
practice?"

The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada . He has two cat houses in Las
Vegas and one in Reno ."

What did the inflatable schoolmaster say to the inflatable boy you came into the inflatable school with a pin?

You've let me down, you've let the school down, but most of all you've let yourself down.

1. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir
Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it
was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind
in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be
stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for
littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are
looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said
to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.


15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the
Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No
change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't
have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

These are great. You should have added...

LIVER - Some guy wan to kiss my wife, but I tell him "Liver alone cheese mine!"

Which reminds me....

Q: What's the difference between a Tea Cup and a Pee Cup?


A: A Tea Cup is something you drink out of. A Pee Cup is what the gardener drives.

Why is a Christmas tree better than a man?




It's always erect,
Stays up for 12 days and nights,
Has cute balls,
And even looks good with the lights on!

My Urologist


My internist referred me to a female urologist. I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous. She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy. She told me that I have to stop masturbating. I asked her why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."

Just to point out how awesome the cellar is... this recently appeared on the other board I frequent and the poster was ridiculed and it was removed. The first reply was "Great. That's really great. Why don't you disrespect the blacks and jews next?!"

I just found the situation amusing.

My response would be, a black and a jew go into a bar..... :haha:

eh, they're british. no sense of humor.;)

The bartender takes one look at them and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bartender here?"

Pie walks into a bar and the bartender says,
"I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."

A blonde walks into a bar. She's kind of clumsy.

A man walks into a bar. His wife sighs and says, "I've been telling him to move that thing for years."

Descartes walked into a bar. The bartender knows that Descartes caused a lot of trouble last time, so he decided to get rid of him. The bartender asked, "Descartes, do you want a beer?" Descartes replied, "I think not!" - and then he disappeared.

lol...I think I like that one. I must be!

A baby seal ... walked into a club.

Shakespeare walked into a bar.

The barman said "Oi! get out! You're barred!"

ZenGum walked up to a hotdog vendor and said, "Make me one with everything."

Footfootfoot walked into a barbarbar.

"Can I get a haircut here?"

A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Wow, that's cool. Where did you get it?" The parrot replies, "In Africa, they've got millions of 'em."

Radar walks into a bar and then wonders if he has a right to.

no, he doesn't not after that last post.
But that was really funny Ali!

Why does Descartes follow his horse? It would be illogical to put Descartes before de horse.

Classic walked into a bar:

dah dah dah duuuuhhhh.