It was funnier when it was still Clinton and Hussein.

That looks very real, who ever did this is an artist.

Radar McCain is old and old people forget things all the time, like what they had for breakfast or their voting record.

He more than likely tries to answer the remote twice a day, and wonders where his neggro boy is with his paper.

If you plan to move to Texas...
 

Here are my observations and some advice from locals:

ADVICE FOR ANYONE MOVING TO TEXAS

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later
how to use it.

2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we
can. Just stay home the two days of the year it snows.

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in
the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain
will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their
way.
This is what they live for.

4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals & bait in the same store.

5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All
y'all's" is plural possessive.

6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

7. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph
zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks
learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is
the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

8. If you hear a redneck exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay
out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

9. Get used to the phrase "It's not the heat, it's the humidity".
And the collateral phrase "You call this hot? Wait'll August."

10. There are no delis. Don't ask.

11. In conversation, never put your hand on a man's shoulder when
making a point, especially in a bar.

12. Chili does NOT have beans in it.

13. Brisket is not 'cooked' in an oven

14. Don't tell us how you did it up there. Nobody cares.

15. If you think it's too hot, don't worry. It'll cool down-in December.

16. We do TOO have 4 Seasons: December, January, February, and Summer!

17. A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F-150 is.

18. If someone tells you "Don't worry, those peppers aren't hot"
you can be certain they are.

19. If you fail to heed my warning in #18 above, be sure to have a
bowl of guacamole handy. Water won't do it.

20. Rocky Mountain oysters are NOT oysters. Don't ask.

21. If someone says they're "fixin" to do something, that doesn't
mean anything's broken.

22. Don't even think of ordering a strawberry daiquiri. What you
really mean to say is 'Margarita.'

23. If you don't understand our passion for college and high school
football just keep your mouth shut.

24. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance
to the door, but the availability of shade.

25. If you see a slower moving vehicle on a two lane road pull onto
the shoulder that is called "courtesy".

26. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hot
dogs outdoors.

27. No matter what you've seen on TV, line dancing is not a popular
weekend pastime.

28. "Tea" = Iced Tea. There is no other kind.

29. Everything goes better with Ranch dressing.

[B]Guts or Balls?[/B]
 

Is there is a medical distinction? We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, and to alleviate further confusion, the following definitions are listed below:


GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'


BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'


I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

good one, classic!

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into th! e house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late!"His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass
and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep....
It Works Every Time ! !

Canadians in Hell

Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell.
The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"
The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat.
The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?"
Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."
This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer.
The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."
The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Toronto so we've just got to have a cook-out when the weather's THIS nice."
The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell.
The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth.
The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians.
He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!!
The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two???"
The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup."

*That* was a good 'un!

Love vs Marriage
 

One day, Plato asked his teacher, "What is love? How can I find it?"
His teacher answered, "There is a vast wheat field in front. Walk forward without turning back, and pick only one stalk. If you find the most magnificent stalk, then you have found love."
Plato walked forward, and before long, he returned with empty hands, having picked nothing. His teacher asked, "Why did you not pick any stalk?" Plato answered, "Because I could only pick once, and yet I could not turn back. I did find the most magnificent stalk, but did not know if there were any better ones ahead, so I did not pick it. As I walked further, the stalks that I saw were not as good as the earlier one, so I did not pick any in the end.
His teacher then said, "And that is love."
On another day, Plato asked his teacher, "What is marriage? How can find it?"His teacher answered, "There is a thriving forest in front. Walk forward without turning back, and chop down only one tree. If you find the tallest tree, then you have found marriage." Plato walked forward, and before long, he returned with a tree. The tree was not thriving, and it was not tall either. It was an ordinary tree. His teacher asked, "Why did you chop down such an ordinary tree?"
Plato answered, "Because of my previous experience. I walked halfway through the forest, but returned with empty hands. This time, I saw this tree, and I felt that it was not bad, so I chopped it down and brought it back. I did not want to miss the opportunity."
His teacher then said, "And that is marriage."

and then the fight started...
 

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive…
so, I took her to a gas station…
and then the fight started…

********

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too’.
And then the fight started…

********

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ’she’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
And then the fight started…

********

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it… he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!!!’
So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’
And then the fight started…

********

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s darn near perfect’.
And then the fight started…

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love,

Papa

A few days later he received a postcard from his son:

Dear Pop,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,

Vinnie

At 7 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love,

Vinnie

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.!

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, 'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown.'

A guy is walking down the street and meets an old friend he hasn't seen in years. "Jim! How are you?"
"Don't call me Jim, call me Mr. Lucky."
"Whadda ya mean?"
"Last month I was driving on the highway and a semi crossed the lane and headed right for me, I looked in the mirror and another semi was bearing down on me, I figured I was a goner. BOOM! The two trucks collided head on with me in the middle, somehow I was shot straight out of my car and landed on a soft embankment. Not only did I walk away form the wreck but I stuck my thumb out and the first car that came along picked me up and the driver was the world's best personal injury attorney. We sued both trucking companies and they settled out of court for 46 million bucks."

"Wow, you are Mr. Lucky."

Six month later the guy bumps into his old friend again, "So, how are things Mr. Lucky?"
"Don't call me Mr. Lucky."
"Uh oh, what happened?"
"Call me Mr. Lucky Lucky."
"What are you talking about?"
I decided to go on a flight to someplace warm and sunny, for a little relaxation. Wouldn't you know? My plane crashed into another plane in mid air, killing everyone on both planes. Not only did I walk away from that crash but I found my luggage. My attorney and i sued the airlines for 600 million dollars and we won."
"Wow, you are Mr. LuckyLucky."

A few months after that the guy sees his friend again, walking down the street. "Mr.LuckyLucky, how the heck are you?"
"Don't call me Mr. LuckyLucky. Call me Mr. LuckyLuckyLucky!"
"What now?"
"Well, I was in bed with this gal and we were banging away like mad, really going at it when her husband bursts into the room, pulls out a pistol and shoots me three times in the ass!"
"How is that lucky?"
"Are you kidding? If he'd have come in two minutes earlier, it would have been the back of my head."

As issued to the Olympic teams attending Beijing:

.

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS
Supposedly these are true stories...

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a Wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive." Submitted by Dr. Steven Swans on-Corvallis, OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." Submitted by RN no name AND FINALLY!!!...............

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener". Dr. wouldn't submit his name

Re: "Learn Chinese in five minutes"

So, why does it have Japanese Hiragana script all around the edges?? :lol:

what does it say, Z?

Crap ... thinking time ...

Its a repeating pattern, I don't know where it start, but from bottom left, reading left to right it says:
I doubt it means anything, just a bunch of foreign-looking squiggles there for decoration.

Due to the credit crunch the local mine shut down and the dwarf had to get a new job.
Times were hard and the dwarf tried everywhere - finally he gets to the zoo.
"We've had a bad case of avian flu and all the penguins have died," said the zoo keeper.
"As they are our biggest attraction, I need you to dress up as a penguin and pretend to be one all day.
It pays $50 and all the fish you can eat."
Well that's not too bad, thinks the dwarf, so the next day he is their flapping about and swimming and eating fish.
"Not a great job, but hey, we've all had worse," he says to himself..

A few weeks later some local kids are visiting and decide to have some fun - by throwing a penguin into the Lion's den.
So they pick up the dwarf despite him flapping his little wings and chuck him over the fence.
He looks around and sees a huge lion approaching... its crawling up on him until he sees the whites of his eyes.
In panic the dwarf shrieks, "LET ME OUT, LET ME OUT, I'M NOT REALLY A PENGUIN - I AM A DWARF IN A PENGUIN SUIT!"

"Shut up or you'll get us both sacked!" says the lion.

Dear American:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transactin is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Yours Faithfully Minister of Treasury Paulson

LITTLE RON
 

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little Ron.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little Ron says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little Ron replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'


LITTLE RON ON MATH (Part 2)

Little Ron returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies Ron.!

0A

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f......! difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'

LITTLE RON ON ENGLISH

Little Ron goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Ron says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Ron, that's a mouthful.'

Little Ron says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.

LITTLE RON ON GRAMMAR

Little Ron was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.

He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, Ron, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.

The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Little Ron, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'

LITTLE RON ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, ! Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Ron.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fu....ing beautiful!''

LITTLE RON ON GETTING OLDER

Little Ron was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little Ron replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little Ron answered, 'No, he minded his own fu...ing business.

Politically Incorrect
 

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Westerner?


Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a 40 caliber Glock, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?






Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day, and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
__________________________________________________

Republican's Answer:

BANG!
__________________________________________________

Westerner's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?'
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one!'
Wife: 'You are NOT takin' that to the Taxidermist!

This is cute and timely...


http://www.vimeo.com/1848089

A drunk is sitting in a bar. There is a very buxom
blonde a few seats down from him with breasts size
44DD'S.

A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The
bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It
hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them. The
bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the
beer off of her breasts. ;

This happens a couple more times.

The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick
her breasts. She decks him! He's laying on the floor
moaning and groaning.

'Why do you let the bartender do it?'



'Because he has.............(your gonna love this)......







A LICKER LICENSE!

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas . Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over 'Nope.'


Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'
'Nope', she replied.



'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!''

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

Newer New York, from a website I was at earlier:

uh...I don't get the joke.

Borough not burro. ;)

It's the Latino influence.

:lol2:

Thats exactly what it felt like.

A bum walks up to a Jewish grandmother and says "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."

She turns to him and says "Force yourself."

ahhh...thank you :p

Ok I am posting this on the cellar twice because I know there are Louis CK fans here....http://www.louisck.net/
Tomorrow night Louis CK all new act on Showtime...I do not have showtime...;(

Jinx, LJ, everyone..be advised...:)

In a London hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.
"Sir," she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW.
Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button.
Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button.
A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it was tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he asked.
"The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

Sigh, men don't listen.

SON OF A BITCH FISH
> >
> > The parish priest went on a fishing trip.
> >
> > On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to
> reel it in.
> >
> > The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a
> Bitch!'
> >
> > 'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!'
> >
> > 'No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!'
> >
> > 'Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!'
> >
> > Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.
>
> > 'Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen'
> >
> > 'Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?'
> >
> > 'Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son
> of a Bitch!'
> >
> > Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.
> >
> > While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired
> about his trip.
> >
> > 'Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!'
> >
> > Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, 'Father!'
> >
> > 'It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!'
> >
> > 'Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?'
> >
> > Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to
> visit in a few days and that
> they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner. 'I'll even clean the
> Son of a Bitch', she said.
> >
> > As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
> >
> > 'What are you doing Sister?'
> >
> > 'Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new
> Bishop's Dinner'
> >
> > 'Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!'
> >
> > 'No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish.'
> >
> > 'Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it,
> and that Son of a Bitch
> can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that
> Son of a Bitch.'
> >
> > On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The
> Friar had prepared an
> > excellent meal.
> >
> > The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.
> >
> > The new Bishop said, 'This is great fish, where did you get it?'
> >
> > 'I caught that Son of a Bitch!' proclaimed the proud priest.
> >
> > 'And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!' exclaimed the Sister.
> >
> > The Friar added, 'And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special
> recipe!'
> >
> > The new Bishop looked around at each of them.
> >
> > A big smile crept across his face as he said,
> >
> > 'You fuckers are my kind of people!'

The last line in that could be a new cellar tag line ;)

A Woman's Week at the Gym
 

Dear Diary ,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
___________ _________ _________ __

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit- ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

____________ _________ _________ __

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

____________ _________ _________ _

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

____________ _________ _________

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the rest-room. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

____________ _________ _________ _

FRIDAY:

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.


The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

____________ _________ _________ __

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

____________ _________ _________ __

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy . I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

True story:
In Beaconsfield, Tasmania, Australia, a while back there was a ceiling collapse in an underground gold mine, killing one miner and trapping two. The rescue took about 14 days (and should have taken longer but for the rescuers sidestepping their own safety regulations).
Anyway, there is now a stage play about it.

"A Musical in A-Flat Minor".


The union is not amused. I am. I guess I'm a prick, then.

Happy birthday :)

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They went to see 'Closed for the Winter.'
---------------------------------
A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.
The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.
The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.
As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.
'Look,' said the doctor, 'there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses.'
'I know,' agreed the blonde, 'But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames.'
-------------------------------

:angel:

hahah...I like that quote....so true...so true....lol

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street - responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

That was one of those jokes that just describes how something actually happens in real life.

I heard it years ago, but went and looked it up today because real life was so uncannily similar...

Question:

What's the difference between a pidgeon and a Wall Street broker?




Answer:

A pidgeon can still make a deposit on a Ferrari.

Maybe this is not a joke...


If you had invested $1,000 in shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today. If you had invested $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today. If you had invested $1,000 in shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received a $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon! Makes you proud to be an American! :)-

401 keg...lol!

Not bad... I've suggested that when we're done with the annual Easter Egg Hunt for the kids, we should have an Easter Keg Hunt for the grownups.

Yeah, we could decorate those little tiny Heineken kegs like eggs...I'll play!

Girl falls off bike.

This is funny. Listen to what she says in the end (it's a little hard to hear).

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
>
> They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when
> one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings
> the two to life.
>
> The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred
> blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty
> minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
>
> He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
>
> The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After
> fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
>
> The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to
> do it again?'
>
> He asks her 'Shall we?'
>
> She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time,
> I'll hold the Pigeon down and you shit on its head.'

> POTENTIALLY AND REALISTICALLY
>
>A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the
>difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
>
>The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if
>she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your
>sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and
>then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
>dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
>
>So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
>Pitt for a million dollars?'
>
>The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money
>to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
>
>The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
>Pitt for a million dollars?'
>
>The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him
>in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
>
>The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
>Pitt for a million dollars?'
>
>'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks
would
>buy?'
>
>The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his
dad.
>His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between
>'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
>
>The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three
>million dollars..
>
>But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo."

:lol2: Good one :lol2:

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?"
"No," the farmer said.
The second beau came to the door and said, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"
"No."
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. "Hello, my name is Chuck."
The farmer shot Chuck.

Never ever piss off a redneck who owns a backhoe!!!

Attachment 19786

Three women; one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men.... That night, all three wore a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend said, 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated, 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said, 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'

lol!!!:sweat:

And...you don't wanna know why I find that so funny. LOL!!!