The Cellar - Humor...I Need Humor...

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Ha!

Couple of minor points:

@ Jim - that's an Irish man, not an English man.

@ Bruce - we pay a tax to watch tv regardless of the number of channels (I think there are around 50 'free' channels. More can be got through subscription but they still require the licence fee to be paid.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Carruthers (Post 907290)

..... and, I suspect, written by one of us frightfully nice British chaps. ;)

Then again, perhaps not.

Damifino, but it came from an Aussie site.

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce (Post 907296)

Damifino, but it came from an Aussie site.

That's different then.

They can take the blame/credit as applicable.:)

We used to be able to make fun of our various nationalities this side of the pond, but now we're prevented from doing so - PC and all that. But I'm sure there's some clause somewhere about it being OK to re-circulate jokes that were in existence before the law came into effect, you know, a bit like you can still buy and sell old ivory pre 1947 or something, and a few other things of a similar nature. Anyway, I'm going to take a chance. Found these at the bottom of a box that has done nothing but pass from one attic to another untouched until now, as we moved houses over the years. If you've heard them before, well tough titty, but I reckon these were born before most of you were even twinkles in your parents eyes - oh, and the fact they are all about the Irish is just coincidence, pure coincidence, could be about anyone...:

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are
only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

--------- --------- --------- ---------

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.

--------- --------- --------- ---------

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What on earth you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

-------------- ------------ --------------

An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies:
"They have to go backwards. If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."

----------------------------------------------------------

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' says Paddy,
'You must have a vase somewhere!'

The first two made me lol.

Great sex

I had awesome early morning sex this morning!!!

Damn shame no one was here to share. :bolt:

It's always heartening to learn that everything 'down there' is in good working order. Personally I have no major problems in this respect, and most especially with regards to its other and more regular function. At 6.00 am regular as clockwork, I can be confident that I wiil urinate without any problem whatsoever. It's just a bit inconvenient that I don't usually wake up until 6.30 am.

Something for hiccups (I wouldn't be surprised if you had seen this cure before)

Did you have hiccups?

An oldie, but still makes me giggle: see whole list here: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.ph...ilOverlordList

My favourites:

Things I'll do if I ever become an Evil Overlord.

Quote:

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

Quote:

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

Quote:

21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

Quote:

33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

Quote:

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

Quote:

If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

I was just thinking of this list the other day. Thanks for posting it. It's got to be at least 20 years old.

Why did the chicken sit on a duck egg?

It was mistake hen.

Quote:

Originally Posted by footfootfoot (Post 909045)

I was just thinking of this list the other day. Thanks for posting it. It's got to be at least 20 years old.

The page I linked to is really good and gives a potted history of the list as well.