The week between Christmas & New Year's is like the taint of holidays...

...Taint Christmas, and taint quite New Year's.


Thought that up my ownself.

Agreed! A very nice place to be with your loved one, with pleasure a head and pleasure behind.

This is by Douglas Adams:

This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person is me. I had gone to catch a train. This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was a bit early for the train. I’d gotten the time of the train wrong. I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies. I went and sat at a table. I want you to picture the scene. It’s very important that you get this very clear in your mind. Here’s the table, newspaper, cup of coffee, packet of cookies. There’s a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase. It didn’t look like he was going to do anything weird. What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of cookies, tore it open, took one out, and ate it.

Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with. There’s nothing in our background, upbringing, or education that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has just stolen your cookies. You know what would happen if this had been South Central Los Angeles. There would have very quickly been gunfire, helicopters coming in, CNN, you know… But in the end, I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do: I ignored it. And I stared at the newspaper, took a sip of coffee, tried to do a clue in the newspaper, couldn’t do anything, and thought, What am I going to do?

In the end I thought Nothing for it, I’ll just have to go for it, and I tried very hard not to notice the fact that the packet was already mysteriously opened. I took out a cookie for myself. I thought, That settled him. But it hadn’t because a moment or two later he did it again. He took another cookie. Having not mentioned it the first time, it was somehow even harder to raise the subject the second time around. “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice…” I mean, it doesn’t really work.

We went through the whole packet like this. When I say the whole packet, I mean there were only about eight cookies, but it felt like a lifetime. He took one, I took one, he took one, I took one. Finally, when we got to the end, he stood up and walked away. Well, we exchanged meaningful looks, then he walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief and sat back.

A moment or two later the train was coming in, so I tossed back the rest of my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper were my cookies. The thing I like particularly about this story is the sensation that somewhere in England there has been wandering around for the last quarter-century a perfectly ordinary guy who has the same exact story, only he doesn’t have the punch line.

Awesome! I LOLed.

And the funny thing is, I had read this before but had forgotten how it went. So I still got to enjoy the punch line.

Me, too, x 3.

:jig:

there's a site called Daily Mash (http://www.thedailymash.co.uk) that publishes 4 or 5 stories per weekday ripping the piss out of just about anything and anybody.
usually there are a couple of shit-your-pants funnies, and at least a couple each day are topical based on current news stories.

the formal name for it is "satire" , and you can forget political correctness, these guys haven't heard of it.

Louis CK, Seinfeld, Chris Rock and Ricky Gervais talking about comedy. Long but interesting if you have more than a passing interest in jokes.

A blonde gets a job as a teacher.
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.
*
'Why?' says the blonde.
The boy says: "Because I'm the fucking goal keeper".

I was at St Bernadette's Catholic Club the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Irish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three girls from Ireland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you stupid jerk!

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Ireland?

And that's the last thing I remember.

Bob and Earl are out fishing at their favourite lake, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
*
Almost silently so as not to scare the fish, Bob says “ I think I’m gonna divorce my wife – she hasn’t spoken to me in over two months”.
*
Earl continues sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says
“You better think it over Bob, women like that are hard to find.!

The floods had subsided, and Noah had safely landed his ark on Mount Sinai.
"Go forth and multiply!" he told the animals, and so off they went two by two, and within a few weeks Noah heard the chatter of tiny monkeys, the snarl of tiny tigers and the stomp of baby elephants.
Then he heard something he didn't recognise… a loud, revving buzz coming from the woods. He went in to find out what strange animal's offspring was making this noise, and discovered a pair of snakes wielding a chainsaw.
"What on earth are you doing?" he cried. "You're destroying the trees!"
"Well Noah," the snakes replied, "we tried to multiply as you bade us, but we're adders… so we have to use logs."

groan


:D

How many Jews does it take to screw in a lightbulb


















































One you racist.

Brilliant.

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You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.