Where is the elephant?

Doctors

A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.

B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000

C) Accidental deaths per physician per year is 0.171

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.


GUNS

A) The number of gun owners in the U.S is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million)

B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500

C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner per year is .000188

Statistics courtesy of FBI

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR. Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!! Out of concern for the public at large, I withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year-old son, returned home from school--- over 2 hours late!

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' they asked.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son, this robot is a lie detector; now tell us where you went after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

''The Ten Commandments,' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
'I'm ashamed of you, son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

The robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times.

Male Chauvinist Pig Divorce Letter
 

Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn’t contact each other during our “cooling off” period, but I couldn’t wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I’d never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride’s cost me a lot of things. I’m tired of pretending I don’t miss you. I don’t care about looking bad anymore. I don’t care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it’s time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: “There’s no one like you, Connie.” I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they’re not you. They’re not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don’t say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn’t believe and an ass that just wouldn’t quit. Every man’s dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we’ve made important in our lives. It’s all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed?

Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I’m getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I’d never really thought of that before.

I don’t know, maybe I’m just growing up a little. Later, after I’d tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, “Why do I feel so drained and empty?” It wasn’t just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn’t feel the same because you weren’t there to watch.

Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I’m just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn’t eating right without a woman around. I didn’t know what she meant till later, but that’s not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we’re banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart’s a total monster in the sack. She’s giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she’s not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother’s old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it’s totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can’t help thinking, “Why didn’t Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We’ve had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy.”

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky’s just a kid and all, but she’s got a pretty good head on her shoulders and he’s been a real friend to me during this painful time. She’s given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She’s pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we’re doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here’s this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18.And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky’s really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I’m thrusting inside your baby sister’s cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?

It’s true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don’t you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh?

I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is?

Love,

Dan

I guess it's the same in the States - nice to get it off the chest though...

Dear Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my license or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address.

What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...
who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...

Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.

While cleaning up my credit reports, I was astounded to find that one of the three main credit bureaus had my date-of-birth listed incorrectly. Now, I ask you, in the absence of the two, most basic identifiers (first, last name & DOB), how are they making the connection between their file, and me (the person)?

Wouldn't something in their database reject the attachment of this file, based on the fact that a person can only have one DOB, and it never changes; therefore if someone with the same name has a different DOB, you can determine that it isn't the same person?

And these are the people that control every aspect of your life: whether you can buy a house, buy a car, apply for a loan, etc. etc. -- and they had failed to ascertain the simplest, most indelible aspect of my identity. WTF?

I once had an inaccurate item on my credit report which indicated I had opened this particular credit card account before I was born.

Every single time I go for a loan I have to fight over a judgement on there. It isn't mine. I know what it is. It is a judgement from a phone company in illinois attached to a phone number that is 6 years older than I am. The name isn't mine. The social security number isn't mine. But everytime I talk to the company they suggest I pay the bill so I won't have to hassle with it again. I refuse. Then they comply by removing it... only to put it back on the following month. Illegal? yes. True? yes.

And Noah said to the animals: “Go forth and multiply!”

But the adders came to Noah and said: “But we cannot multiply, we are adders.”

Then Noah went out and chopped down some trees and built a table of logs. And he showed it to the adders and said:

“Look I have built you a table of logs! Now you adders can multiply!”

I'm cleaning out my email so ....



A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater, have some drinks, they talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ... and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies.........

"You just happened to catch my eye."

(Oh shut up, I just forward them, I don't write them.)

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about?


MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

A woman, in her fifties, is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her
bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care, what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.
The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.

Bumper Stickers You Would Like To See

Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.

Impotence..Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

The proctologist called ...they found your head..


Everyone has a photographic memory ...some just don't have any film.

Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Guys...just because you have one,
doesn't mean you have to be one..

Some people just don't know how to drive...
I call these people "Everybody But Me,"

Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

Hang up and drive!!

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there.
Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts
for a few minutes. I'll explain why later." The nun agreed.

Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??"
The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her
skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't
want to go to Iraq."
The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."

The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but
you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun smiled and replied,
"If you had only looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either."

Nominated as the best short joke this year!

A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom," he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," replied his mother

ITALIAN BOY CONFESSION

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.
The priest asked, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?
Yes, Father it is.

And who was the woman you were with?
I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.

Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?
I cannot say.

Was it Teresa Volpe?
I'll never tell.

Was it Nina Capeli?
I'm sorry but I cannot name her.

Was it Cathy Piriano?
My lips are sealed.

Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?
Please, Father, I cannot tell you.

The priest sighs in frustration. You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot attend church services for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, What'd you get?

Four months vacation and five good leads.

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers
that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks
the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?" The
salesperson answers, "Which one? We have:

Work out Barbie for $19.95

Shopping Barbie for $19.95

Beach Barbie for $19.95

Disco Barbie for $19.95

Divorced Barbie for $265.95

The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95
and the others are only $19.95?" The salesperson annoyingly answers:

"Sir...,Divorced Barbie comes witth: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat,
Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and...One of Ken's Friends.

------------------------------------------------------
Next one:


A rich man and a poor man were discussing what they gave their wives for
Christmas.

The rich man says, "I bought my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedes
Benz."

Poor man asks, "Why did you buy her two gifts?"

The rich man replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like the diamond necklace,
she can drive her Mercedes Benz to take it back."

The poor man acknowledges the rich mans answer then proceeds to tell him
what he got his wife. "I got my wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo."

With a confused and intrigued look, the rich man asks, "Why did you buy her
those gifts?!"

The poor man replies,

"Well, in case she doesn't like the flip flops, she can go [*****] herself.

The top 10 unintentionally worst company URL
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s
world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name
selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do
this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies
who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give
their domain names enough consideration:

1. A site called ‘Who Represents’ where you can find the name of the agent
that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is
www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company…
www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South
Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always
www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their
whacky website:
www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com

.

Ewwwwwwwwwwww!

Okay. Not humour in my opinion. I may be wrong.
Received on a customer's text tonight. Makes no sense as far as I am concerned and therefore is not funny:

A man walks into a shop and puts a bomb down on the counter.
He shouts, "You've got one minute to get out!"
From the back, the tortoise calls, "You bastard!"

lol - thats a good one!

Yes, I liked that one, SG.

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.

1) If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
2) If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
3) If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
4) If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
5) If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."

President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Episcopal Church outside Washington as part of his campaign to restore his pathetic poll standings. His image handler made a visit to the Bishop and said, ‘We’ve been getting a lot of bad publicity because of the president’s position on stem cell research, the Iraq war, hurricane Katrina, and the Veterans Administration.

We’ll make a $100,000 contribution to your church if during your sermon you will say that the President is a saint.’

The Bishop thought it over for a few moments and finally said, ‘The Church is desperate for funding - I’ll do it.’

Bush showed up for the sermon, and the Bishop began: ‘I’d like to speak to you all this morning about our President who is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence numb-nuts who can’t put a compound sentence together.

He bugged out of combat service during the Vietnam War and went AWOL to avoid a drug test, then had all reports on the sordid event destroyed.

He is the spawn of a Nazi loving great grandfather who smuggled anti-Americans into this country on his shipping line.

He took the tragedy of September 11 and used it to frighten and manipulate the American people.

He lied about weapons of mass destruction and invaded Iraq for oil and money, causing the deaths of tens of thousands and making the United States the most hated country on earth. It is
a three-trillion dollar folly.

He appointed fund-raiser cronies to positions of power and influence, leading to widespread death and destruction due to government paralysis after Hurricane Katrina.

He awarded no-bid cost-plus contracts and tax cuts to his rich friends so that we now have more poverty in this country and a greater gap between rich and poor than we’ve had since the Depression.

He has headed the most corrupt, bribe-inducing political party since Teapot Dome.

The national surplus has turned into a staggering national debt of 7.6 trillion Dollars.

Oil rose from $18 to over a hundred and thirty per barrel, leading to transportation costs which the people of America cannot afford, with low minimum wages, part time jobs, no health insurance, and outsourcing.

Vital research into global warming and stem cells is stifled because he’s afraid to lose votes from religious kooks.

He is the worst example of a true Christian I’ve ever known, but compared to Dick Cheney… George W. Bush is a saint.

I can't top that so I'll lower the bar again:

A bum walks up to a Jewish mother on the street and says "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."

She says "Force yourself."

Barak Obama is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks Obama if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says the great Barak Obama," that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Obama searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a jet carrying Barak Obama, Hillary Clinton and John McCain was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.
"Fantastic!" exclaims Barak, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"
Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

.

"Freak accident" indeed.

sounds like the "OK I'll try it, but I don't want you to hit me on the head with the beer bottle." joke

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

A young man was strolling down a street in south London. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting “Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen” over and over again.
Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn’t. Then he spotted a knot in the wood, and put his eye to the hole.
He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, “Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen …”

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked
pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I
found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and we had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if
I ever had a 'Sportsman's Double?'.
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
'Oh,' I said as my mind began to embrace the idea, No I haven't.'
And I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like.
We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was
'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place.
We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
'Mom, You still awake?'

Resent-From: ksr!warren@harvard.harvard.edu


(If you don't understand the T-shirt image, look at your copy of "The Design
and Implementation of the 4.3BSD UNIX Operating System" by Leffler, et. al.)

Resent-From: Charles Forsythe <convex!forsythe@uxc.cso.uiuc.edu>

This was sent to me by Linda Branagan--Convex doc. writer and Connie Dobbs look-alike. I think its an excellent illustration of why "Bob" began his mission in Dallas.

The following is a true story.

Last week I walked into a local "home style cookin' restaurant/watering hole" to pick up a take out order. I spoke briefly to the waitress behind the counter, who told me my order would be done in a few minutes.

So, while I was busy gazing at the farm implements hanging on the walls, I was approached by two, uh, um... well, let's call them "natives." These guys might just be the original Texas rednecks--complete with ten-gallon hats, snakeskin boots and the pervasive odor of cheap beer and whiskey.

"Pardon us, ma'am. Mind of we ask you a question?"

Well, people keep telling me that Texans are real friendly, so I nodded.

"Are you a Satanist?"

Well, at least they didn't ask me if I liked to party.

"Uh, no, I can't say that I am."

"Gee ma'am. Are you sure about that?" they asked.

I put on my biggest, brightest Dallas Cowboys cheerleader smile and said, "No, I'm positive. The closest I've ever come to Satanism is watching Geraldo."

"Hmm. Interesting. See, we was just wondering why it is you have the lord of darkness on your chest there."

I was this close to slapping one of them and causing a scene--then I stopped and noticed the T-shirt I happened to be wearing that day. Sure enough, it had a picture of a small, devilish looking creature that has for quite some time now been associated with a certain operating system. In this particular representation, the creature was wearing sneakers.

They continued: "See, ma'am, we don't exactly appreciate it when people show off pictures of the devil. Especially when he's lookin' so friendly."

These idiots sounded terrifyingly serious.

Me: "Oh, well, see, this isn't really the devil, it's just, well, it's sort of a mascot."

Native: "And what kind of football team has the devil as a mascot?"

Me: "Oh, it's not a team. It's an operating-- uh, a kind of computer."

I figured that an ATM machine was about as much technology as these guys could handle, and I knew that if I so much as uttered the word "unix" I would only make things worse.

Native: "Where does this satanical computer come from?"

Me: "California. And there's nothing satanical about it really."

Somewhere along the line here, the waitress has noticed my predicament--but these guys probably outweighed her by 600 pounds, so all she did was look at me sympathetically and run off into the kitchen.

Native: "Ma'am, I think you're lying. And we'd appreciate it if you'd leave the premises now."

Fortunately, the waitress returned that very instant with my order, and they agreed that it would be okay for me to actually pay for my food before I left. While I was at the cash register, they amused themselves by talking to each other.

Native #1: "Do you think the police know about these devil computers?"

Native #2: "If they come from California, then the FBI oughta know about 'em."

They escorted me to the door. I tried one last time: "You're really blowing this all out of proportion. A lot of people use this `kind of computers.' Universities, researchers, businesses. They're actually very useful."

Big, big, BIG mistake. I should have guessed at what came next.

Native: "Does the government use these devil computers?"

Me: "Yes."

Another BIG boo-boo.

Native: "And does the government pay for 'em? With our tax dollars?"

I decided that it was time to jump ship.

Me: "No. Nope. Not at all. You're tax dollars never entered the picture at all. I promise. No sir, not a penny. Our good Christian congressmen would never let something like that happen. Nope. Never. Bye."

Texas. What a country.

Is mommy there?
 

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg

'Hello?'

'Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No, Daddy.

She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause, Daddy says,
'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'

Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,
right now.'

Brief pause.

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone
down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door
and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the
driveway.'

'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
'I did it, Daddy.'

'And what happened, honey?'

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no
clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over
the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving
at all!'

'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all
scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the
swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out
the water last week so you could paint the pool. He hit the
bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool?........

Is this 486-5731?'

No, I think you have the wrong number.......

Cat Got Your Tongue?
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating.

I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."

You know where the button is," I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"

"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was, but not without consequence.

I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances.

Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.

At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed.

Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.

Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk.

"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"

If they had only known!!

ok i just cant be fucked

Try viagara, or smoother pickup lines.

ok...great...i just went out and tried those things. you forgot to mention not to try them in that order.

Why not? If you're smooth, it shouldn't matter if you're also a flagpole.

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say,
'Esther, I'd sure like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,
'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you!
But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out,
but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

.

..

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.

I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950’s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950’s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?
2. Teaching Math In 1960’s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100 His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1970’s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Math In 1980’s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math In 1990’s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it’s ok. )
6. Teaching Math In 2008
Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

Brilliant. sad, true, but brilliant.

That made my week.

Hey! As someone who learned maths in the 80s I resemble that remark!
I actually have a learning disability in maths and my teachers had to work extra hard to get me through my exams. I can assure you it was still taught 50s style in my school.

Anyway, as you were.

it's a JOKE, not commentary. Sheesh.

That's why I didn't quote the joke in my remark, but Lookout's comment that it was true.

the difference between oral and anal:

oral can make your whole day

anal can make your hole weak

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and an anal thermometer?


The taste.

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the

first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,



"What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird."

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."



When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked

"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. "You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.





As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said.



"Let me guess..............

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Smallcox?"

i lol'd.

nice

--- Black Hurricanes
 

--- Black Hurricanes

Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman (this would be Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston ), reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names.

She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal. I am NOT making this up!

She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in "language"
that street people can understand because one of the problems that
happened in New Orleans was, that black people couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation, due to the racially biased language of the weather report.

I guess if the weather person says that the winds are going to blow at
140+ MPH, that's too hard to understand

I can hear it now: A weatherman in New Orleans says...

Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-ca ne Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket!
Bitch be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren,
leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE shit!

.

Last month the UN conducted a worldwide survey with one question:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant
In the US they didn't know what "rest of the world" meant.

Now that's garsh darn funny!!

Three Priests are sitting around the coffee shop, discussing the value of confession. They decided they would each confess their secret sin to the other two.

Priest #1 says, "My secret sin is, I like to drink when I'm away from prying eyes".

Priest #2 says, "My secret sin is, I like to bet on the ponies, when I sneak off to the track".

Priest #3 says, "My secret sin is, I love to gossip. Gotta run now".